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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Would you consider a male nanny?

114 replies

Earlybird · 16/09/2005 15:47

I am currently registered with a nanny agency looking for a one day a week nanny. A friend has just called to recommend a nanny who is available - and a 30 year male. Supposedly he was in his last job for quite awhile, and his previous family loved him.

I have several initial reactions - does it matter that he's male as long as his references and police check/first aid are OK? Second, it could potentially be good for dd to have a man around as I am a single mum (no father in the picture, and no partner), and dd does, at times, seem starved for male attention.

Would it seem strange for a man (no relation) to collect dd from school, take her to birthday parties periodically, and supervise playdates? Part of me wonders if I could feel comfortable with a man looking after dd (she's 4.5), giving her baths, etc. And would other mums hesitate to let their daughters come for playdates? Am I too paranoid? Too conventional?

Think I need to decide if I'm comfortable with the idea of a male nanny before I decide to pursue it further. What would you do?

OP posts:
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Blu · 17/09/2005 20:21

Would never leave DS with a female nanny if she was going to take him in the car - women are such crap drivers.

WideWebWitch · 17/09/2005 20:29

I'm with Blu, I would IF he was right in every way and good refs etc. I think it's a shame this is the world view now, NOTW have a lot to answer for imo.

zippy539 · 17/09/2005 21:49

Nice one Blu.

paolosgirl · 17/09/2005 21:53

As long as he had good references from a trusted source, he passed his police etc checks and my child liked him, then yep - no problem. You can't tar every man with the same paedophile brush, just as you can't assume that every female childcarer is 100% safe, IYKWIM?

ChicPea · 18/09/2005 01:57

I have a friend who has just employed a French male nanny for her DS's 8 and 6. He is an ex footballer and very sporty and so far so good. The boys are saying some french words and counting up to 20 etc and my friend and her DH are happy and the boys are ecstatic. BUT when I told my DH he was puzzled why a man would want to care for somebody else's children as he feels that men aren't intereted in that sort of role. I definitely wouldn't employ a man to look after my DS if that's all I had. I would wonder why he wants to look after a little girl.

fairyfly · 18/09/2005 02:21

Yeh, absolutely, without a doubt, my brother loves jobs like this and he is fabulous, my daddy is also fab with kids, why not, stop being para

nannynick · 18/09/2005 20:53

I've been watching this thread for a little while, wondering when the best time to comment was. Perhaps now is a good time.

As always on Mumsnet, it is interesting to see the variety of comments, from parents, carers and anyone else browsing the boards.

The Equal Opportunities Commission published a research paper in Spring 2005, looking at men working in the childcare sector. Men In Childcare - report by Heather Rolfe, National Institute of Economic and Social Research

The report highlighted the lack of men working in childcare, that our Government failed to reach it's own 6% target for men in childcare settings, discussed how men could be encouraged into childcare work, and looked at the barriers that prevented men joining the profession - low pay and suspected of having preverse sexual intentions were the main reasons.

The most interesting thing in the report I felt was how the Media was to blame for portraying men as child abusers. While general studies into child abuse do show that men are more likely to be the abuser, research into abuse in childcare settings shows that sexual abuse in childcare settings is rare (Cameron, 2001 / Owen 2003).

The scarcity of men in childcare makes them appear more unusual and thus likely to be the target of interest and suspicion. In Denmark, where there is a higher proportion of male childcare workers, the issue of abuse does not arise in debates about the childcare workforce. (Jensen, 1996)

We probably all remember the tv programes about bad nurseries - the carers shown in those programes were mostly female, and while they were not sexually abusing children they were emotionally abusing them and neglecting them. Neglect is now the largest category for children in England who are put on the at risk register - NSPCC Inform - 12,600 children were added in 2004.

Prior to employing any Nanny, Babysitter or Au-Pair, be they male or female, parents need to do as much background checks as possible. These days, this means having an Enhanced CRB check, great written references, great verbal references, and if you want someone qualified then as many certificates for courses as possible, including Early Years First Aid. If you want to be even more sure, you may want someone who has been cleared by Ofsted - as their checks on nursery staff and childminders, goes a bit deeper than just having a CRB check.

It is nice to see that some of you will consider a male nanny, but also sad to see that some of you will dismiss the idea without a second thought - perhaps you are the same people who feel that women should stay at home and look after the children, while the men work. Somehow I doubt you would want to return to the ways things were pre-war... would you?

Colditz wrote:

At the end of the day, most of the people who sexually abuse children are men. Most of them are known to the children.

Fully agree... current statistics for sexual abuse against minors does show this. There are no statistics to my knowledge (please do provide a link if you feel I'm wrong) that show that a male nanny is more likely to abuse a child than a female nanny is... the research has simply not been done.

I did find an article about Female Sexual Abusers which states that 14% of perpetrators against boys and 6% of perpetrators against girls were females acting alone. Again it isn't research into home based childcarers, but it does show that women do sexualy abuse children, more boys than girls. Thus why when anyone (male or female) are employed within a registered childcare setting in the UK, background checks are carried out.

given the statistics on male and female child sexual abusers, a male nanny would not get a look in.

What statistics are you looking at precisely? A lot of sexual abuse happens within the family, parents, uncles, aunts, etc. Please do point me in the direction of the research and stats.

It is a tiny risk, but still a risk that doesn't have to be taken.

As a parent you are entitled to your view. Current law permiits you to discriminate on grounds of gender when employing someone in your own home (personally I feel this loophole should be closed). There is always risk in anything we do... everyone decides what level of risk they are happy with. Some people never leave their homes, far too risky with those cars out there!

Angeliz wrote:

Not pc or neccessarily fair but it wouldn't honestly enter my head to employ a male carer for my girls.

Having worked with children for over 15 years, I have to say that the number of families I've worked with who only had girls, is very low - but it has happened, I recall caring for twin girls back in the mid 90's. If I was a parent with only girls, I too would prefer a female carer... men are just not very good at doing girls hair!

Starshaker wrote:

if he had good referances and everything else was ok then i would take him on the same as with a woman. not only men can abuse children women are just as capable. as you say ur dd needs a male role model. i really dont see what the differance is.

Glad to see that some of you are in favour.
Starshaker raises a good point... women do abuse children... neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexually. Checking references and background is essential before employing anyone to care for your children.

leesax wrote:

I know a few male childcarers and they are great, i think you should employ someone on their suitability for you family and nothing more.

Totally agree... when employing someone to work in your home, you need them to fit in with your family. You want someone the children like, someone you like, someone you feel you can talk to about things that might be troubling you concerning your children's development. Gender should not really be an issue, alas it still is. A MORI survery (Daycare Trust 2002) indicated that 56% of parents felt that 'people could be suspicious of a man working in childcare'. At least that means that 44% didn't see that being an issue, with more positive media attention perhaps the scales can be tipped the other way, in favour of men working with children.

Blu wrote:

Would never leave DS with a female nanny if she was going to take him in the car - women are such crap drivers.

  • are you really saying women are bad drivers? Best to ask any childcarer for their accident history!

I think this is getting very long now, so will leave the last word with paolosgirl...

You can't tar every man with the same paedophile brush, just as you can't assume that every female childcarer is 100% safe.

There is never a 100% safe option... male or female. So check, check, and check again before employing someone to care for your children - and that includes nurseries... how much do you actually know about the staff?

nooka · 18/09/2005 22:15

Hi nannynick - just wanted to add that although my dh isn't much good with plaits, he's much better at bunches than me! It all depends on how much you get to practice (not all women have long hair or play with dolls, I guess).

You raise an interesting point about nursery staff there. Our nusery seemed to have a very high turnover in the last few months that dd was there, and it did worry us that we didn't like the new staff nearly as much as the previous ones. No men there, and very few in the younger years at their school. I think that this is a real pity, as ds I think responds well to men (always seems to get the women twisted around his little finger within days!) and it's good to have a mix.

Blu · 18/09/2005 22:21

Nammynib, sorry, canknot pronouince thigs propry as have tonge jammed in cheeg...og courshe I dongt thingk womem are bag drigers....(thingk some leave loggik behind sometimesh tho')...goog luck ing your caweer.

edam · 18/09/2005 22:34

Yes, if I met him and he met all my criteria. And I thought, as an individual, he was the 'right' person. I had a male babysitter when I was tiny and he was great.

PennyLane79 · 18/09/2005 23:00

As said before women are capable of abuse, if not sexual, other types. It is a risk with anyone you higher so as Nick says check, check and check.
I would employ a male nanny especially for my son as I feel boys need as many good male role models as possible. I would still consider one for a daughter but more likely to choose a female nanny as I feel she could relate to a girl better. And this is coming from a woman who was abused as a child.. by my father.

PennyLane79 · 18/09/2005 23:01

Darn it you can't edit here. It should be hire not higher lol Very tired..........

TwinSetAndPearls · 18/09/2005 23:45

Having watched my dp (who is not dd father) with dd I would hire a male nanny. Apart from me dd isn't closer to anyone in the world than my dp, infact she probably loves him as much as me. He is loving, imaginative, patient, fun, tireless and relates to children better than any man or woman I know. Whenever dd has friends to play it is dp they want to see, not me. I am sure there are other men as amazing with kids as dp so I would hire a male nanny.

Wordsmith · 20/09/2005 07:57

chicPea - just because yur DH wouldn't want to care for someone else's children, doesn't mean that men who do are somehow suspect. Lots of men also wonder why any man would want to cook, clean, care for elderly relatives, become a nurse, teach in a primary school... thank God everyone doesn't think like that. Apart from actually becoming pregnant, giving birth and breatfeeding, I think there are very few aspects of childcare that men cannot attempt as successfully as women. After all, we have spent decades aiming for workplace equality, then deny it to men with scaremongering, prejudiced views like this. 'Gut reactions' aren't always logical or preferable. I could recall as many, if not more, cases of child abuse involving female 'carers' as male - so like Nannynick said, show me the evidence!

harpsichordcarrier · 20/09/2005 08:34

absolutely, I would consider it. My bf (male) sometimes looks after dd and they get along like a house on fire. In fact when she gives her listof "people I love" he generally come third... way before grannies, grandad etc
I don't see childcare as a female role necessarily. It is more to do with personal characterictics. I think the only thing that would concern me is how a male nanny would fit into the local social circle, i.e. would he be comfortable at play groups etc as he is likely to be the only man, but if he has chosen the role then he is presumably OK in this environment.

Mum2girls · 20/09/2005 09:26

I would - it would matter to me only that the nanny (m or f) was the right person for our family. But I know I would have an almighty fight on my hands with DP.....

eefs · 20/09/2005 09:39

blu.
not enought male role models left for children - I would definately consider a male nanny.

sansouci · 20/09/2005 09:42

Definately. Men are just as good at caring for children when motivated.

sansouci · 20/09/2005 09:43

Definitely.

auntymandy · 20/09/2005 09:48

If his police checks and references are good and he is nice with dd then yes I would!
You never know you might get to like him too!!!

mamhaf · 20/09/2005 14:31

We have had a male childminder for many years, and he is fantastic - very caring and organised. However, he is a neighbour and we already knew him and his wife very well before our child went there. He has had to cope with prejudice against him from parents and other childminders but I think people have changed their attitudes over the years. So personally of course I wouldn't automatically say no to a male nanny, but would carry out the checks you would carry out with any potential carer of your children. Neither should you dismiss gut instinct once you have met him...you have to be 100% comfortable with whoever you employ. I'd say just try to look further than his gender and assess him on his suitability for the job.

merglemergle · 20/09/2005 15:47

Absolutely. Actually, I'd jump at the chance. I think its great for kids to see men in a childcare role.

I would anyway carry out a full check-references, dropping in at odd hours, seeing how kids felt (+respecting that), sending friends round, etc, with any nanny.

I do think that any male nanny would be aware that they were going to be under the spotlight all the time, with EVERYONE in the lookout for abuse, so they would have to be really really determined. Most men I know would not become nannies (or primary school/nursery teachers) for this reason-anything you do could be misconstrued.

madmarchhare · 20/09/2005 17:27

I would like to think that I would, but faced with the decision Im not so sure. I have a boy, and for some, probably unrational, reason I think that would make a difference too.

I feel sad that I seem to be jumping on the 'bound to be an abuser' bandwagon but I guess its just my gut reaction and I cant help that.

That said, I think if I met the chap I would hope I could base my decision on my feelings at that point (assuming all checks were ok), as I would with anyone.

twirlaround · 20/09/2005 17:28

less likely to have affair with dp hopefully?

dizietsma · 20/09/2005 17:44

My husband works with children and frankly I'm incredibly offended by some of the comments in this thread- what horrible bigotry! I'm proud of my husband for doing the job he does in the face of such discrimination and I'm saddened that my daughter has to grow up in a world where gender roles are so rigid.

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