Is it normal to feel so ashamed?

[sharon137]

My DS is foru and a half months, he is a beautiful, gorgeous baby and DP and I are planning on having another in the next couple of years.
The only thing I am scaredof is labour again. I had a 22 hour labour, with an epidural that DIDN'T WORK (no-one ever told me that was a possibility!!) and I was so traumatised afterwards. Mostly I was ashamed because I felt I was a wimp- I didnt get angry and warrior-woman like, I was whimpering, "I cant do it, I cant do it" while pushing. My DP was a rock, the midwives were great, my baby was beautiful, but I feel sick to my stomach with shame when I think of the performace I put on.
Is this normal? Is there any way I can try and banish these thoughts before starting to try for our second baby?

I'd imagine about 90% of Mums said "I can't do it" at some point during childbirth.

Second births are easier anyway.

I felt exactly the same! If it makes you feel better I sobbed my ds out and kept shouting "I'm scared"! I had a fast labour and arrived at the hospital pushing so there was no time for anything stronger than gas and air. He was born by ventouse and for a long time I felt guilty for not pushing properly but I was in so much pain and absolutely terrified. One thing that really helped me was going to a birth debrief, do they do this in your area? Ds is 8 months now and the debrief was only a few weeks ago but I came out of there feeling like a weight had been lifted! I still feel angry about the way I was treated but I'm not scared of labour anymore which is a massive step forward for me

You think you were a wimp? Are you serious? It bloody hurts! I didn't get an epidural (anaesthetist was in theatre apparantly). Your feelings were perfectly normal, we managed to push a watermelon out of something the size of a grape! How great are we though but god, it hurt.

Bless you.It isn't a competition.
You go throguh probably the most physically demanding thing of your life and how it unfolds is just the way it is-no prizes, no competitions, no medals.

I can't recall being warrior womanish either.Did a lot of screaming and shouting.I recall the line 'Get the fucking thing out of me now' may have been used once or twice.

Leave it lie.

Totally normal!

Also, it is still fresh in your mind. You will forget quite how bad it is and your desire for another child will outweigh it.

I had what sounds like a much easier ride than you and I remember sobbing to the midwife that I couldn't take any more as I was just so tired!

I spent 4 hours trying to get the medical student to go across the road to the pub to get me a double brandy. He didn't (maybe he wasn't old enough).

Thank you all, very reassuring!
I have not heard of a birthng debrief (am in Australia), I will have a look into it though.
It is a shame I cant even think about it without feeling terrible, but as you say, it will hopefully fade with time. And already my desire for a brother or sister for DS is stronger than my fear of labour - I just wish I didnt feel so awful when I look back on it! I think I watched too many episodes of "A Baby Story" where the women seemed to take it all in stride. My sister and the friends I have with babies had caesareans, so I had no idea what to expect at all!

Belle - Damn that med student.

Sharon - I can send you my Natal Hypnotherapy disc when I'm finished with it (in 8 weeks) if you like.

I'm in Australia too.

There are plenty of threads about NH on here I think.

It's normal to be scared.

I am.

Sharon, don't know where in Australia you are, but here are a couple of links to birthing trauma counsellors/debriefing services.

www.bellybelly.com.au/forums/de-briefing-disappointing-traumatic-births/111554-l ist-counsellors-australia-specialising-birth-trauma-debriefing.html

ist-counsellors-australia-specialising-birth-trauma-debriefing.html Now with 100% more nice linkiness

Oh FFS. I feel like that woman who liked that dress that time.

Try this

at tortoise and the dress link

It's soooo normal to feel like this, really

as moondog says its not a competition

My mate when pg with her PFB said to her antenatal teacher "oh I'm going to have a natural birth"

Teacher and said "you won't get a medal y'know"

lol

I screeched when giving birth to DS1 as was v quick and no pain relief due to speed of birth

DH said the whole hospital would have heard me "noooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

I was a whimperer, not a roarer. With every contraction I squeezed my eyes closed and squeaked like a sick mouse with a stubbed toe, an expression of hurt bewilderment on my face.

No Amazonian 'I Am Woman, See Me Bring Forth LIFE' for me either.

I was lucky to have a straightforward and quick labour, but I still found it pretty terrifying at times. Particularly I remember during the pushing stage, feeling absolutely no urge to push, lying there whimpering "won't the baby come out on its own?". I didn't feel very Amazonian either.

Labour and birth is a uniquely intense experience, nothing can prepare you for it really. You shouldn't be ashamed because you didn't handle it the way you thought you would. You had a tough time - a long labour, and your epidural didn't work. You got through it and safely delivered a beautiful little boy. That is all that matters.

sharon I had two straightforward labours with only G&A. In the first one, while I was pushing I was begging for a CS. With the second, everyone told me I'd "know" when I was far enough along to go into hospital. Well I went in when I'd had enough and I was 2cm dilated (some kind soul told me once you've had a baby you're pretty much always 1cm dilated anyway ). We were sent home and I sent DH to bed. 40 mins later I was waking DH up to tell him I needed to go to hospital, he pointed out that I was likely no further along. I told him I didn't care as I couldn't cope with the pain, and if I was no further along I was having an epidural.

I also told the MW "I can't" every time she told me to push - were you getting plenty of encouragement? My first MW had the perfect line between supportive & bullying.

I also think that having an intervention that didn't work must have been hard - you'd been counting on it to help, and all of a sudden you were told tough (effectively, hope no one actually said that )

I'm sure for every woman who simply breathes her way through there are plenty like me who scream, vomit, beg, curse and shout their way through! The MWs will have seen it all and a lot worse.

Get TTC!

Oh, I'm really into natural birth, been protesting outside hospitals and everything.

And during my first VBAC, I was begging for a caesarean.

You don't have to be a warrior woman. You got a baby out and there's nothing to be ashamed of!

Although if you are fearful of feeling out of control next time, you might want to look at some books like Birthing from Within which has some great stuff about finding your inner birth tiger

You are the only person who remembers or who will ever remember that level of detail. It is a mere passage of time, I was screaming "get me drugs" "I can't do it, just take it away" for most of my birth, and I did it again 12 months later.

It is what it is, it is never easy, never dignified and best that you do your utmost to move on.... the prize is worth it!

Please don't feel ashamed. I think this sounds like a perfectly normal birth. During my first birth I was doing pretty much the same, and later screaming my head off.

There was also a point where I was saying I was going to die .

Have you seen this organisation? They may be able to help you feel better.

I've heard midwives say that it's when the woman starts saying "I can't do it" that they know it won't be long now. So it's certainly not an uncommon thing to say and may well be just how you are in labour, nothing at all to be ashamed of.

It's likely to be a lot quicker and easier second time around, as well.

yes very true Professor

I sobbed at Dp... 'pleaaaase can you do it for meeeee' during my first labour after 2x bottles of Gas and air and an epidural. It was long horrible labour.

i can reassure you with DS2 it was qucik and i pushed him out roaring with nothing.

Sweetie! don't be ashamed! you did it, you gave birth, no one else! and it doesn't matter how or what you said, seriously.

I think I read somewhere that a classic symptom of impending second stage (ie needing to push) is the mother saying she can't or won't do it. MWs know about it and use it as an indication that things are happening.

If it can be of any consolation, while pushing dd1 out, I screamed for my MUM () the whole time.

dd2 was born in water with barely any need to push at all.

Agree about the failed epidural thing. Mine only worked on one side which just made the pain all concentrate in one spot, but it seemed to double in intensity. Awful.

As an earlier poster said, the disappointment of that when you felt you'd reached the limit of what you can take is intense.

I thought the 'I can't do it' sentiment was pretty much universal at transition and when pushing! It genuinely feels like the baby coudn't possibly fit through.

The midwives will have seen SO much worse than you.

Its really normal but doesnt make you feel better.

I felt ashamed that my DH saw me so weak, making such a fuss, vomiting etc (had homebirth so no pain relief either). At one point I asked him to kill me with a kitchen knife (think it was transition!).

We have rules about loo doors shut, not sharing grim details etc which work well for us. Birth pissed all over that! and I still find it hard that he saw all that. Im just glad he stayed at the head end.

It fades over time. Next time you will be so joyed at knowing what you are doing and what to expect it will be different. At least thats what Im hoping!