Is it normal to feel so ashamed?

[sharon137]

My DS is foru and a half months, he is a beautiful, gorgeous baby and DP and I are planning on having another in the next couple of years.
The only thing I am scaredof is labour again. I had a 22 hour labour, with an epidural that DIDN'T WORK (no-one ever told me that was a possibility!!) and I was so traumatised afterwards. Mostly I was ashamed because I felt I was a wimp- I didnt get angry and warrior-woman like, I was whimpering, "I cant do it, I cant do it" while pushing. My DP was a rock, the midwives were great, my baby was beautiful, but I feel sick to my stomach with shame when I think of the performace I put on.
Is this normal? Is there any way I can try and banish these thoughts before starting to try for our second baby?

Titsalina - I was asking DP to do it for me too!
My midwives were a good cop, bad cop team, one very supportive and sympathetic and the other a stern matron type, who i HATED at the time but she was certainly effective!
Thanks all so much for your stories, it does make me feel better knowing I wasnt the only whimperer out there... I guess you are always your own worst critic.
And yes, the prize most certainly more than worth it (grin)

It's really normal, I think. My birth experience feels completely surreal now. I had good cop / bad cop midwives, too. One said, "you're going to have to push like hell, and you know you've got a full bowel, don't you?". That didn't help a lot. The horror. Then forceps, etc. Cried about it for weeks. I think these things do fade, but it's such a unique experience, and people talk about it so little (except on MN, which is a godsend) that you can't help feeling freaky sometimes.

GiraffeYoga the fact that it is perfectly normal should make you feel better about IMO.

And no, you weren't "causing a fuss". People who say they have the flu when they just have a bit of a cold or refuse to go to work because they are on a period and don't want to use the works toilets are causing a fuss. My sister works with someone who does the latter.

You gave birth, you did one of the most wonderful things a woman can do. Please feel proud of yourself.

Performance? It's not a performance, it's an ordeal.

My dd is 3. Am still ashamed, horrified, embarrassed. And I didn't even manage to push her out after a 2 day labour and 8hr second stage. I had a lot of intervention and an em cs. How shit is my body?

I apologise to dh all the time, apologised to medical staff. I was pathetic throughout.

Every time I hear 'you are designed to give birth', 'it's natural', it hammers home just how crap I am.

I don't know if it's normal, but you're not alone.

I shouted "I'm gonna shit myself!" when I started pushing! The midwife threw my knickers away so I think I probably did

Im pretty sure with my DS I begged for my mum and did the whimpering of "I cant do it"
First labours are usually quite long I'd had enough you want to give up but obviously cant. PuzzleAddict is right, it is an ordeal.

IME 2nd labour was much easier (but I know it's not always the case)
Mine was very quick no pain relief, but I still did the "I cant do it" I thought that was a normal thing, Transition? It tells you not long now.

The need for another baby will soon outweigh the bad point of labour

Well done and congratulations. A lovely little boy! (oh god help me, DD is only 6months and im getting broody for another boy!! )

Ineed- you are right. I kind of have that way of looking at things sometimes.

Knowing its normal should make you feel happier about feeling it. THat way its easier to over come.

Thank you

With DD1 3.5 days into a 4 day induction with syntocinon drip in I was saying I wanted to go home and vomiting fanta all over the labour room (could only drink fanta or ribena in cartons for most of pg). I cried and screamed as my epi didn't work and I just couldn't cope. DD1 was born by ventouse after 2.5 hours pushing. I still feel I never gave birth to her, she was delivered.

DD2 was a home birth and was born in 4 mins after a 25 hour labour. I was in transition and ranting and I still didn't believe the baby was coming - I have had more painful periods.

I can honestly say DD1 was going to be an only child due to hideous pg and induction. DH was going to have a vasectomy as soon as DD1 came home from hospital. We now have 3 DDs! Time and talking about it can help. Congrats on your baby boy.

You gave birth & this is fabulous - well done. How you were helped you to manage and get through the experience. You did what was right for you and your baby.

You are all just lovely I have been cringing in recognition at so many of your stories!!
Isn't it amazing that despite the trauma, we just do it all over again... I know I will.
I am grateful to you all for your words, it has made me feel so much better - thank god for mumsnet!!

Bless you. Don't feel bad. Nobody gets a prize for being stoic in labour.

I had a quick and relatively easy labour - I can't remember the pain much (well it was 15 years ago). But I screamed my head off the entire time and swore like a trooper. The midwife was a stern Hattie Jacques type, who I loathed at the time, but once dd was born I sww her for teh absolutre star she was, she was great.

But GOD at the time - she told me to 'stop making that infernal noise' (at which point I said 'I will make as much fucking noise as I like').

I don't think any of us cover ourselves with glory in labour. But the prize at the end is so worth it.

I am sure that you were also a lot braver than you think - it must have been horrible when the epidutral didn't work, you must have been so disappinted and scared.

Getof, love your comment to the MW . I'm sure with DC1 that when she asked me to give back the G&A I told her to FUCK OFF.

And erm, how do I put this, with DC2 I know I did the pooing thing. Have never been able to eat a Sainsburys Curry since

Oh good lord - losing confidence and saying you can't do it is part of the normal geography of birth.

I whined and whimpered all the way through all three of my labours, and was vomiting from fear. I'm hugely proud of myself that I got through it - full stop.

I have supported women in labour and always think they are goddess-like. Birth is a miracle and mothers are amazing!

Dyslexics - it's so sad you've been made to feel that way. You've had a baby just like everyone else on here. No difference.

You had a 2 day labour? If there were medals handed out, you'd get one regardless of how it ended. Your DD was properly stuck and no-one's body would have squeezed her out. There is nothing wrong with your body.

Stuff happens and it happens to all of us - nobody is exempt. Lots if us are very hard on ourselves, which is sad.

i wanted to say something to dyslexics but couldn't think of how to phrase it, thank yoi
while positive attitude/breathing etc has a lot going for it IMO it can only 'kick in' if everything else is OK. I gave birth the same time as a friend, she had a baby that was op, with its hand up and needed forceps, seemed quite traumatic. I was lucky, she wasn't, simple as that. She went on to have the 'perfect' labour second tgime round so it obviously wasn't anything she was doing wrong!

I refused to push DD1 out and spent the two hours after the birth holding her tight and apologising to the MWs for being such a wimp. DD2, I pushed out myself with no pain relief and was too traumatised to even look at her for hours, poor thing was cold and everything . Feel very guilty about both and am desprately trying not to build up DD3's birth in November into a big 'payback' session!

You are very kind. I have seen somebody at the hospital to go over what happened and rationally I understand. DD was OT and asynclitic (so ear first, body facing the wrong way). I know she was unbirthable. I know that hanging on for 8 hrs and pushing so hard I had red bloodshot eyes and torn muscles means I bloody tried.

But, deep inside I feel like an utter failure. I cried, sobbed, whimpered and begged to die while it was happening. DH told my Mum about it afterwards (he was traumatised and trying to explain the birth to her) and she said she has never understood all the fuss women insist on making and how embarrassing it must be for me to know people saw me 'creating'. My Mum is genuinely lovely in other ways but had 2 straightforward, even easy labours and deliveries. She thinks I'm pathetic and deep down, so do I.

Although I don't recall saying "I can't do it", I was more in the "Shoot me now, I can't stand it any more, please make it stop" camp. DH remembers that. "kill me, hit me on the head with something, I don't care what you do, please make it go away" - things like that.

I felt sorry for the other people in the observation room where we were. But - I take it as being natural, part of the process and nothing to be ashamed of - I got a BABY out of a small place!

Hope you can find someone to debrief you, if the stuff on here doesn't do the job and good luck with the next one!

First one, said I can't do it alot and said I'm goint to cry etc.. all very undignified.

Second one, before anything got unbearable (6cm or something) I said to the midwife, 'last time I was really whiney kept saying I cant do it and begging them to help me, I expect it will be the same " It was but without the begging this time.

I wasn't ashamed though, I was pleased with myself! Obviously the benefits of having a big ego ! BTW as everyone here said second time is much quicker and not so bad.

You did great, don't worry. I was worried the midwife would judge me for being to lazy to do my legs!

bloody hell dyslexics you poor thing

As a midwife and new mummy, please understand that feeling that you can't do it (truly can't do it!)is absolutely normal. It was normal for me in both my labours, and for millions of other women. It's also normal for the 'I can't do it!' phase of labour with a second birth to be very near the end. You made it last time with your first baby when the pain relief that you were counting on failed.You should feel so proud.All sorts of behavior, noises, face pulling in labour is normal too- whatever gets you through. Please believe that you can do it again. Hypnobirth classes or even a cd are really useful for building up pre labour confidence. Good luck.

Dyslexics, I just had to write something - have you talked to a counsellor or someone about your feelings? You really shouldn't feel like a failure or pathetic, and you need to ignore the comments your mum made. With all respect, unless someone has experienced a traumatic labour they really have no idea what they're talking about. I know how you feel because after an emcs last time, I too felt like my body had failed somehow, even though DS was unbirthable too. I'm scared about what will happen this time and don't know how it will go, but what i DO know is that as long as the baby and I are healthy it absolutely does not matter and that it has nothing to do with how much of a woman I am, or how "clever" my body is. I will never forget the birth obviously, but the position my baby got in was nothing I had done or could have prevented. So please, please don't keep beating yourself up about it - as it's 3 years on (the same for me), I really think you need to talk to someone who can help you see it is not your fault (I know you know this rationally, as you say, but you need to feel this in your heart/deep down too).

God I did all sorts - begged the midwife to kill me (she said she couldn't do that as she'd lose her job ), asked DP if we could go home and get a puppy instead, screamed "give me DRUGS!" and "HELP ME!" to anyone who'd listen, when the mw told me to stop screaming as I'd have a sore throat in the morning, I informed her I didn't give a shit etc. But the icing on the cake? The real killer? Repeatedly screaming "I need to do a giant poo!" during second stage.
God the shame, but I really don't care. The midwives have seen it all before and its NORMAL. Childbirth is bloody painful at the best of times and whatever helps you get through it is fine. You are bringing a new life into the world - that's huge - and you should feel proud of yourself for your amazing achievement.

Giving birth without epidural HURTS - just accept that, it doesn't mean you're a wimp! I found my first birth (natural, non-hospital) agonising, and I remember getting to the point where I thought death was preferable. I think it's fairly normal