Is it normal to feel so ashamed?

[sharon137]

My DS is foru and a half months, he is a beautiful, gorgeous baby and DP and I are planning on having another in the next couple of years.
The only thing I am scaredof is labour again. I had a 22 hour labour, with an epidural that DIDN'T WORK (no-one ever told me that was a possibility!!) and I was so traumatised afterwards. Mostly I was ashamed because I felt I was a wimp- I didnt get angry and warrior-woman like, I was whimpering, "I cant do it, I cant do it" while pushing. My DP was a rock, the midwives were great, my baby was beautiful, but I feel sick to my stomach with shame when I think of the performace I put on.
Is this normal? Is there any way I can try and banish these thoughts before starting to try for our second baby?

My epidural failed and I screamed bloody murder throughout the labour (AND I was only 2cms when the real pain kicked in - as my waters broke !) I had 4 midwives trying to calm me down and my DH cowering in the corner. i was hysterical with pain. I just kept on saying 'but this really hurts...you don't understand, this really hurts !' And screamed like a banshee through each contraction. I think both DH and myself were pretty traumatised by the whole thing.

I don't feel any shame at all (apart from deficating myself and farting whilst they were trying to sew me up !) Labour effing hurts. I do honestly think that every woman is different and those who made it through with a little puff and an ooh and an ahh, obviously didn't have the same labour that I had ! Whatever gets you through. ESPECIALLY when there is no pain relief.

As for planning the next...do push it to the back of your mind as every birth is different and your epidural may work next time.

With DC1 I had am EMCS under GA as the epidural failed. They said the epidural failure was a one off as I am normal weight and have had no back surgery. Then it failed when I had a VBAC with DC2. I kid you not - my VBAC was far more traumatic than my EMCS due to the pain. With DC3 I have insisted on an ELCS as I was quite traumatised and I am terrified of being sewed up (which happened last time) or having to have an instrumental without pain relief. They have agreed due to the trauma.

Maybe a bit of counselling might help ?

In the meantime enjoy your little man, and give yourself a big pat on the back as you have managed to get through labour naturally (albeit not really your choice !) Well done ! After going through birth I do realise that women are so amazing. Def the stronger sex.

Dyslexics - your mum could do with a 'slap'* actually - how dare she make you feel bad! Just because she squeezed hers out with minimum of fuss (and you've only got her word for that, remember) has NO BEARING on what happened to you and SHE should be ashamed of herself for adding to your distress over the situation! I am that she could be such a cow, tbh.

*not a physical one, a verbal type.

Not really the time or place to shriek abuse at a poster who has just posted about something very upsetting and

And her name isn't vile. It's a lighthearted joke which has apparently struck a cord with you. Her name isn't saying anything offensive or derogatory about anyone with a learning disability. For all you know, she may be dyslexic herself and is just using it as a playful self-reference.

"performace I put on."

For heavens sake woman...you gave birth1 Well done! you created a whole human life! What an achievement!

But if you feel afraid of going through it again, it may be worth trying hypnobirthing. It was brilliant for me, and removed all fear of labour before I gave birth to DS2.

We've all said "I can't do it". But now you now you can!

Dyslexics I had a very, very medicalised birth, dd was stuck, huuuuge (8lb 6oz and I am tiny) back to back and hands up and head back. Wasn't going to happen. But I know that it is not a reflection on me as a woman, or how shit I am, or not shit.

I would have loved to have trumped her easily out of my fanjo in soft candlelight, to the sound of whalesong and tibetan chanting, but real life had other ideas and it wasn't to be.

There is so much pressure, isn't there, even if it's only from ourselves, to have a beautiful experience, or not have pain relief, when really, we do our best with what happens but it is pretty much out of our hands. What will be will be and all that.

You sound very upset by it still, do you think it would help you to have some counselling? Are there other self esteem problems and this is just a symptom?

Btw call yourself whatever you like. As long as you're not breaking any laws eg. incitement to kick someone's head in etc, I don't care.

and heres a [hug]

I don't understand why X-of-the-world-Unite is either a joke or offensive . It sounds empowering instead; pls. clear up my ignorance? A pun on the word Unite, maybe?

It says "untie", not unite - the joke is that because it's dyslexics, they have spelt it wrong. If you are dyslexic yourself, it can be a self-deprecating comment - if you're not, then dyslexic people could take offence at it, thinking that someone is taking the piss out of them.

Dyslexics I just can't get over what your Mum said, why would she say something so hurtful and upsetting? Even if she is nice otherwise, saying something like this makes her sound like a real cow.

With my Mum I just let it go in one ear and out the other.

Your Mum wasn't there and it has nothing to do with her. You've produced a beautiful Grandchild for her and you both should be really proud and happy of that fact.

Did you look at the Birth Trauma Association website?

Sharon - you are amazing - you have given birth AND you have given birth naturally.

Wow. You have my respect. because you've done it. So what if you said it was difficult and you didn't think you could do it? Of course it was difficult and so painful that only the strongest drugs mankind has invented can help.

TTC #1 and am terrified of the idea of giving birth.

Again. Well done.

Hope this helps you to feel a tiny bit better.

I bet dyslexics heartily wishes she hadn't posted now. Arf.

I don't think it's a giant leap to assume that she is herself dyslexic.

Back on topic - there is a special circle of hell reserved for women who assume everybody's birth experience must have been the same as theirs, eg level of pain, amount of energy expended etc.

So anyone who didn't find it as easy/had more pain relief/made more noise/needed a cs/was traumatised by it (delete as applicable) must just be making an unecessary fuss.