Terrified and embarrassed!

[JosieSmith1]

Hi everyone, before I start I will apologise for the whining!

I am not pregnant but recently married and we're talking about trying for a baby.

My problem is, I am terrified of internal exams, which someone on here said I could refuse, so that's a load off my mind, but I'm worried that when the labour starts I'll be embarrassed about my husband seeing my 'parts' in that way. How could he possibly want to go near me again after witnessing something so disgusting! And I'm embarrassed that I'll make a fool of myself and don't want him to witness all the groaning and screaming that goes on! However, I know that when I'm in that much pain I'll want him there, so one way or another I'll have to deal with it!

I just can't get it all straight in my head and I keep bursting into tears as I'm so worried about it! I don't want my husband to see me any differently, and I don't want to feel degraded by the labour process! Help please!

Sorry again!

No it isn't AIBU. But if you read my first post you will see that I was being constructive. Sorry if my reply was interpreted as offensive.

Sorry Funnysinthegarden, you weren't in any way being constructive.

There has been nothing in the ops posts to imply that her dh has made her feeling disgusted at the idea of giving birth.

It is possible to feel worried and upset about losing dignity and feeling concerned about the way that your partner will see you after birth, without it being the fault of your partner.

Before having dd1, I had had 2 mc, had been ill for a long time, and had been examined and prodded about by just about every consultant and medical student I had come across. I still wanted to maintain my dignity when I gave birth, probably even more so because of what I had been through - I wanted to feel empowered and in control, rather than vulnerable. Now that might seem silly and unimportant to a lot of people, but to me it wasn't and dh understood that, and he was fantastic and supportive during the births of both our children.

Op, I think that just coming on here and talking about this stuff, before you get pregnant is a good idea, the more comfortable you feel with talking about it, and not dismissing your fears and worries as in any way silly or unimportant, the more you will be able to come up with strategies to deal with stuff.

First thing is not to apologise for your feelings!

Absolutely agree with all that, hazey. And given the odd response of some people on this thread I wanted to say again to the OP that your anxieties are not in the least 'weird' or 'stupid' and that (particularly if you do feel they approach the level of being phobic) it is REALLY constructive of you to be talking them through, both here and with health professionals, and with your DH who sounds very supportive. Very best of luck!

In regards to beign worried about it now, when I'm not pregnant, that is because I want to deal with it while I still have a choice, and not find myself pregnant and really struggling to deal with these feelings and not enjoying pregnancy. If I am ok with it before I get pregnant, I will enjoy the whole pregnancy as a woman should.

Thanks to everyone who has put valid comments, I have some really good ideas of how I am going to go forward from here.

Giving birth is pretty gross. I remember thinking just as my DD was coming out: 'I can't believe I am going to push a baby out of my vagina - gross !'. Internals aren't pleasant, that's true, but after deficating during labour and farting whilst the surgeon was trying to stitch me up, you start getting a bit more relaxed about every man and his dog having a look at your fanny.

My DH didn't want to look at that end or cut the cord, and in actual fact he didn't even notice that I needed stitches. He was pretty distressed about the pain I was going through as I was quite hysterical, but it sounds as if your DH is fine about the whole thing anyway. Maybe if you prefer him not to see, you could just ask him not to have a look.

Sorry to hear that you have had a miscarriage. I had an ectopic and a couple of miscarriages before mine and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If only life was like the movies when you get that positive test, you have a successful pregnancy, your waters break and you give birth after a few pushes !

Maybe a bit of couselling would help about your fear of internals ? I know what you mean though. You feel completely vulnerable and hideously out of control.

Just read your post - I wish I could have enjoyed and glowed through my pregnancy but I didn't ! I pukd for 20 weeks and then swelled up with pre-eclampsia with the first child. Second one was the same, minus the swelling up, and the third has been the same - only here I am at 34 weks and the sickness has come back !

You never what what you are going to get. My friend looked absolutely stunning throughout all her pregnancies. Never got morning sickness and was still wearing a mini skirt and boots up until the birth.

Makes you sick.

Talk to your GP and maybe they can sort out someone to talk to so that you can be at peace before you embark on this journey (completely worth it by the way !)

Well, I have ordered some home birth hypnotherapy cds and relaxing music for labour, and apparently I can get 6 free counselling sessions through work so I'm going to go for them too. If it doesn't help, I will have to look into the pros and cons of elective caesarean as I think that'll be the only way I'll be able to get pregnant and not have panic attacks!

Wanted to add after re-reading some posts. I am very embarrassed about bodily functions and won't even fart in front of DH in case he thinks I'm disgusting, even though he repeatedly tells me he doesn't care.

Also, sometimes, depending on what mood I am (and probably which point I'm at in my cycle) I have times when I can think about labour and imagine how wonderful it'd be having a home birth and how supportive DH would be, and I can imagine myself almost enjoying it and it being a wonderful experience, so I'm going to tell the counsillor about this and hopefully she can give me some strategies for clinging onto these images so to speak.

JosieSmith - I had a similar feeling of dread about internal exams (following rape at 17 - I stopped going swimming, stopped coming out of the shower at home in jut a towel, and refused all smear tests offered by my GP). But, tbh, once I was pregnant, I didn't care. My first examination was at 9 weeks, I was alone, overseas, and they made me strip off, then lie naked on a table whilst I had a smear test and internal probe, then the Dr insisted my boobs needed examining (the less said about that, the better - but don't be pregnant in the USA...). And ALL I was interested in was seeing the heartbeat on the machine.

Also, in labour, DP stayed at the head end, saw nothing of my nether regions, and we've had at least one pregnancy scare since DS was born And labour was not degrading - just knackering, but I got my baby boy to cuddle whilst being stitched up, and was totally unaware of what was happening to me! Was just in a bubble or something of hormones!

Good luck with everything, and I hope you have a cuddly baby eventually!

Hi Josie.
It sounds like you are feeling a bit better about it now anyway.

I was never as terrified as you sound but I didn't want my husband to be staring at the 'business end' particularly, so said that to him beforehand and he was fine about that.
Actually in the end the mw kept telling him she could see the head and to come and look so he asked me if he could - of course I said yes as he was v excited and he had a quick peek. Sounds like your husband will be the same - excited and in awe, not disgusted.

Birth doesn't have to be horrific, I know some people do have horrible times, but mine was actually quite nice and I was on a big high afterwards. You don't necessarily tear or have some scene from a horror scene going on.
The hypno birth cds sound like a good idea. I read this book when pregnant which set me in a very positive frame of mind.

It's still a bit scary, I'm having another baby in november, and even with a good experience behind me there is still the fear of the unknown. I only had one internal through entire pregnancy and birth and can't for the life of me remember it other than she said I was ready to start pushing. I certainly don't remember the feeling of it - gas and air is awesome stuff

Thanks kveta. A lot of people have said that because of the hormones they cared more about the baby than internals or labour and although I'll never fully believe it until it happens to me, I forget that hormones do control a lot of your emotions so once I'm pregnant I'll probably feel really loved up and just want the best for my baby. As I said in my last post, sometimes I feel really happy about the idea and can imagine how wonderful it'll be to be carrying our baby and how happy and proud DH will be, even to the point where I'll not find the labour too bad, and I put this down to hormones, so if these hormones are there when I'm pregnant I'll be fine, but as I can't rely on them I'm going to other lengths to ensure I don't panic!

Thanks PrivetDancer. I go through stages where I'm excited about it, but then when we really start talking about it I get really panicked again so I'm really torn at the moment. We've got a lot of money to save up before we can start so I'm sort of clinging to this as an excuse not to do it yet, but I'm still going to have the hypnotherapy and counselling because the earlier I start to come to terms with the fear the more equipped I'll be to deal with it when the time comes.

Another thing I think I struggle with is that I'm not good at sharing my emotions, even telling him I love him is really embarrassing for me unless he says it first! How pathetic is that! Maybe I can work on that with the counsellor.

I'm the sort of person who deals with fear better by knowing all the facts so reading as many books as poss beforehand will be a great help as I'll feel more in control and aware of what's happening so thanks for the recommendation, I'll certainly give it a try.

"josie, you know what? when you are in labour you really, truly, honestly will NOT care who sees your fanny."

This isn't true for everyone - I cared! And thus insisted that my husband stayed up the head end with me. He did see my daughter being born, but not a full-on ringside view, and I was happy enough with that.

Josie, appreciate your POV, but please, get pregnant first and then worry about the specifics.

It may never happen for you. Stranger things have happened.

I do sympathise on some level, but not everyone has the good fortune to worry about the actual act of giving birth.

seeing your bits is really nothing to worry about ones you are in the throws of labour. Overdue with my third now and my husband keeps asking me each night - are you ready for labour, have you done a poo.......had water birth last time and apparently pooed quite badly. So if you think your husband seeing your fanny in that way is bad enough.............hmmmmm

Different strokes for different folks!

I'm with EmmaBemma, I am due to have dc3 in a weeks time, and dh has been with me during countless gynae investigations, I still don't want him standing hands on knees watching the baby come out! He has stayed at the head-end the whole time.

I don't think life is quite so ABC as you make out, Funnysinthegarden - the op has a fear, it doesn't necessarily follow logic!

Well, something funny is happening to me! I have become all encompassed with the idea of having a baby, even if it means exams and having to go through labour, even if it I have to go to hospital and have all sorts of exams done, it'll be worth it for the end result. I have decided I am stronger than this. I have faced other illnesses that got me down but I have battled them (and the doctors were amazed at how long I held on before getting seen to) and defeated them, I will not let a little thing like labour stop me from getting what I want. Now if this is coming from me, or because of the hypnotherapy cd I don't know, and I don't really care as long as it works! I am still going to go for the hypnotherapy because the more the better as far as I am concerned.

But as of now, much earlier than planned, the organising and sorting of the finances has gone out the window, and we are now TTC!

I am very pleased that you have had a surge of positive thought, Josie.

Good luck with ttc, I wish you all the very best, and think you definitely did the right thing posting your fears on here.

Hi Josie,

I know how you feel, I was phobic about internal examinations, people seeing my parts, and also utterly phobic about childbirth, I used to pass out if anyone talked about it

but - once you're 8/9months pregnant you'll be so looking forward to seeing your little one that everything else will pale into significance. Believe me! You and your husband will be so excited, you'll just go with it.

Good luck getting pregnant again, and try to focus on the massive positive of giving birth, the amazing tiny bundle at the end. I know that's how I got over all my anxiety.

Fwiw, pregnancy isn't always enjoyable. My pregnancy was very very much wanted after 2 miscarriages and I'm not too scared of the thought of labour (just of things going wrong, which I think is pretty normal!), but that doesn't mean being pregnant is enjoyable! I've had a tough time with sickness and now have SPD and PGP already at 16 weeks. I've also struggled with depression and anxiety and my fatigue is still pretty bad.

I think that pregnancy & labour is something you get through to have a baby. Yes, some people do really like it in of itself, but they seem to be the lucky ones not the norm.

japhrimel agree entirely! I hated and am currently hating being pregnant. SPD / PGP both times! They are worth it though.

There is nothing degrading about giving birth. Plenty of aspects of pregnancy and childbirth are not particularly dignified, but to view it as degrading is not the right attitude to have.
So far during pregnancy my DH has dealt with my vomit, in numerous disgusting ways following 20 weeks of being sick every day, viewed pink stained discharge on my knickers with me whenever I wanted a second opinion on whether to be worried, gone out to buy me new massive bras as I grew out of a new one every couple of weeks, marvelled with me at my stretchmarks, and massaged my swollen pigs trotter feet every night for the last month, plus too many other things to mention, If I had thought he would shy away from doing any of those things I wouldn't have had a baby with him. If you think your DH will be anything other than totally supportive during the numerous emotional and physical ups and downs of pregnancy and birth, not to mention parenthood for the rest of your life, you shouldn't have any children with him!

EmmaKate - no birth isn't degrading but that doesn't necessarily mean a man has to be there for every last second.

Being supportive is fine, but I personally preferred to maintain a little mystery even when pregnant. I think there's a modern obsession with men being in the delivery room. Fine if that's what you both want but it's not for everyone. And if they are there, they don't necessarily have to be at the business end!If a woman would feel embarassed about it, then it's probably counter-productive to have the husband there.

josie- dont let some of the posters on this thread dismiss your fears about internals. They are perfectly reasonable and legitimate.

You dont have to have any during pregnancy/birth but in practice it may be difficult to communicate this to all your health care professionals.

Funny- FWIW I found having internals done against my will much much more traumatic than miscarrying a longed-for child. Different things hurt different people in different ways.

To the people who have said you 'forget' childbirth - I haven't. I still have gut-wrenching flashbacks of unwanted internals from 8 years ago. I was so terrified of it recurring at my 2nd birth that it contributed to me ending up risking my and my baby's life by freebirthing.

don't know how much this will help, but my DH doesn't seem to link what he saw during childbirth with my bits that he sees during sex.

they are two entirely separate functions/events for him and i think he found the birth incredible and awe inspiring, but i don't think he was connecting it all to it my bits that are involved in sex.

From what you said, i think your DH will be great and he'll be able to see you through those doubts too.

I am glad that you are TTC, and sorry that you have had some less than helpful comments. Seems like a legitimate concern to me and, for you, something you needed to sort through before you moved on to the next stage.