Terrified and embarrassed!

[JosieSmith1]

Hi everyone, before I start I will apologise for the whining!

I am not pregnant but recently married and we're talking about trying for a baby.

My problem is, I am terrified of internal exams, which someone on here said I could refuse, so that's a load off my mind, but I'm worried that when the labour starts I'll be embarrassed about my husband seeing my 'parts' in that way. How could he possibly want to go near me again after witnessing something so disgusting! And I'm embarrassed that I'll make a fool of myself and don't want him to witness all the groaning and screaming that goes on! However, I know that when I'm in that much pain I'll want him there, so one way or another I'll have to deal with it!

I just can't get it all straight in my head and I keep bursting into tears as I'm so worried about it! I don't want my husband to see me any differently, and I don't want to feel degraded by the labour process! Help please!

Sorry again!

Really? That part of it is so minor, it is the least of your worries.

More terrifying is the prospect of miscarriage, problems with the baby and how your relationship will fare once you have had a child.

I think you need to get your relationship in perspective before you think of having a child. If you really think that he would think childbirth disgusting, then perhaps you are with the wrong man.

You poor thing to be so worried. But, honestly honestly, you won't care when you're in labour. You just won't.

And if witnessing childbirth put fathers off sex, then we'd all have only children.

Please don't worry.

Good point, funnysinthegarden. The birth seems all encompassing - and of course it's scary - but it's so minor in the great rollercoaster ride that is parenthood.

You don't have to have him there. Would you be better with your mum or a friend? If you are worrying about how he'll feel then it might make you feel tense and that won't help. Do you know what his feelings are on it? FWIW I don't think him being scared/put off by childbirth means he is 'the wrong man', some men just feel that way. Doesn't mean he won't be a good dad.

why thanks cat, tis the voice of experience............

Do take as many chances as you can to discuss your anxieties with your health professionals. It may well be that a few conversations with a symapthetic GP or midwife would help a lot.

That you are upset to the point of tears by this worry even before becoming pregant does make me wonder if you are mildly phobic about childbirth. It is a recognised phobia tokophobia it is called and you deserve to have your concerns taken seriously. Don't feel foolish or 'whining' about making your concerns known to the people who will want to help you with them.

But it isn't disgusting. If you're really worried about him seeing the baby emerge, then have him at head end and ask him not to watch.

I did initially think that I wanted dh not to look, but actually didn't care in the end, and by the time ds2 (third child) arrived, he was giving a commentary! (just to reassure you that the sight of a baby being born does not necessarily irrevocably alter a man's view). Or rather, I suspect it added weight to his admiration of me for doing it!

josie, you know what? when you are in labour you really, truly, honestly will NOT care who sees your fanny.

I speak as someone who had similar fears. My fanny has now been seen by many, many, many local hospital and midwifery staff, some of whom I still meet now and then!

However, specifically regarding your DH, it is more than ok to ask him to stay at your head-end! my dp didn't really want to see what was going on down there, although he did have a quick look with the second baby (cos the midwife told him to lol). but he was happy to be doing stuff for me, not watching the baby be born

you'll be doing a fabulous thing- getting that baby out! that's not degrading or embarassing at all, it's a wonderful thing. I bet he won't see it that way at all, all he will be thiniking about is makinh sure you are ok and meeting his new baby

Or of course, as others have rightly pointed out, you could have someone else with you as a birth partner. Personal [reference. But I was glad of dh's company and that he got to see the birth in order to be part of amazing event as well as to appreciate the effort involved.

You really don't need any internal examinations during pregnancy. You can refuse them during labour but by then you probably won't care too much. Reality shifts a little during labour.

You could get a doula to be with you during labour. With my first baby, I desperately wanted dh with me. The thought of doing it alone was terrifying. With my third, I had a doula and honestly wouldn't have noticed if he'd wandered off somewhere.

The labour process isn't degrading. Honestly. You have a lot of choices how you do it - you can wear what you like and give birth where you want (home, hospital, birth centre). And not everyone moans and screams. Many people who opt for hypnobirthing give birth very quietly. But the noises are usually purposeful, strong and controlled rather than vague thrashing and screaming.

Television is guilty for showing some appalling views of women screaming and howling in bed and it can be a very different, gentle process with a rhythm and a pattern to it. Maybe try reading Birthing from Within. It's very soothing.

Just to clarify, he says childbirth won't bother him at all and he'd love to watch the whole thing, I think I'm putting my own feelings on him - I think it's disgusting, he thinks it's wonderfully natural and all that and is very good at making me feel beter about myself. I suppose I'm worried I won't feel like a wife anymore, just a mother, and as I'm writing this I realise that I sound ridiculous and that if I work at it I will feel like a wife again, I forget that 'down there' will heal and I'll go almost back to normal.

Thanks everyone, I feel stupid when I think of how many people go through it and think nothing f it, then here I am making such a big deal and I'm not even pregnant yet!

Mh DH definitely loved me more after seeing me give birth. I could feel the admiration he had for me.

You really need to deal with the issues you've got before you start TTC if you are crying over this while it is still an abstract idea.

Why do you think it's disgusting? That sounds like your emotions are really strong and you might actually have a phobia? Or has you DH put this idea in your head? Does he think there is something disgusting about it?

After that pearl of wisdom, I can't actually follow through with how to do that, but I'm sure someone will know about these things.

funnysinthegarden how harsh and unnecessary. 'Minor' things can be a huge deal, there's nothing wrong with being worried.

OP, I sort of know what you mean. I used to have all sorts of worries about pregnancy and childbirth, and I was quite concerned about dignity, or the lack of it. But when it comes to the birth, it is the last thing you are worried about, you just focus on what you need to do to get through the labour. The medical staff won't bat an eyelid, they are used to it and they were incredibly professional and matter of fact with me. I did feel quite self-conscious at first and kept a long t-shirt on even while I was in the birthing pool- but as labour progressed it just didn't matter to me.

As for your DH, you should talk to him about your feelings (if you haven't already). If you feel uncomfortable about it, you could ask him to consider staying at the 'head end' during labour and leave the room during internals etc. BUT I honestly think that when you get there it just won't be a big deal at all.

FWIW my husband did find it quite strange seeing the birth, but 'disgusting' is not a word he would use to describe the arrival of his child! He did hear me doing a lot of grunting and moaning, but he has nothing but respect for what I went through, and his only thoughts at the time were all about helping me to cope with the pain.

And yes, he still fancies me, can't keep his hands off me.

Just saw some more posts after I'd written this and they have really really helped so thanks loads.

I think when the time comes I'd want him to be there, and although he says he'd love to see it, he'd be happy to stay at head end or even in another room if it would make me feel better so he's being really understanding. I think I'd want a water birth and have seen some and they seem a lot calmer than hospital births, plus I am terrified of hospitals so not good for the blood pressure! I think I'm going to write down verything I'm scared of, and make a plan of how I can make it better, maybe then I'll start to feel calmer and more in control

JosieSmith1 - as a bloke I really honestly can tell you your husband is not going to feel disgusted. Birth is not disgusting and you will not care and you will not be embarrased.

Have you talked to DH about how he feels? Does he activley want to be there?

If he is dead set against it (some men do dread it from fear of the unknown) then you should choose another birth partner (eg mother, sister) who will be supportive. However, if he does want to be there you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

It is true that a few of my male friends did feel upset at seeing their DP/DW in pain, but never ever disgusted or degraded.

Oh and he will definitely want to come near you again.

Have you talked to your dh about this? TBH I do think you need to, just to get his reassurance, even though it probably won't help hugely as you will just think 'what does he know'!

As far as not seeing goes - well, he doesn't really have to see a lot. If you wear a loose, long t-shirt/nightshirty thing, and he stays wherever your head and hands are (the chances are that that's where you'll want him), he really won't see a lot. It's all a lot less hugely visible than you might think, in fact. I certainly caught no sort of glimpse of my own parts at all - the first thing I saw was ds in the hands of the midwife who'd just caught him!

For an awful lot of births, what you see is not very dramatic at all actually. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it is disgusting, but actually it really doesn't look that bad. What you focus on is the baby coming out, rather than the surroundings IYSWIM.

Another option is being in a water bath (if available) - if he REALLY stared, I suppose he could see something through the water, but there won't be much detail involved.

Does any of this help? Hope so. And I agree with the poster above -having your dh there is not compulsory.

Josie - your feelings aren't unusual or wrong, but you might feel differently as and when the time comes.
Your relationship with your husband may change when you become parents - you'll be a wife and mother too.
Many women who have given birth will happily share stories of how empowering and wonderful it was - everyone has a slightly different experience.
Good luck and try not to worry too much

I x-posted with you.

This has reassured me too, was going to ban DP (will be DH) from delivery room for the actual birth. I thought it was fairly common for men to be put off sex afterwards and didn't want to risk it.

yeah yeah, hopalongdagger, all very touchyfeely. Once she has miscarried a few times the least of her worries will be whether anyone sees her bits.

Sorry and all that but the reality of being pregnant aint all about the giving birth bit.

BTW did I say there was anything wrong with being worried?

And how illuminating to share that you DH still wants to shag you.

Josie - if you really feel strongly that natural birth is not for you you can always have a Cesarean birth instead. Like you I find the thought of having a natura birth horrific and really never want to endurethat experience therefore I pushed for an elective C section for my first birth and it was fantastic. I have since had a second (consultants much easier to agree a csection when you've had one before) and again lovely experience.

I don't feel like I've missed out at all by never having a labour as I never wanted to have one.

Please don't let your feelings about this stop you from having a baby if thats what you want (whilst I never wanted to give birth naturally I am blessed to have had 2 gorgeous children) - if you feel that a csection would be acceptable you shoud be able to negotiate one if you do your research.

It's definitely my idea that it's disgusting, I don't cope well with bodily functions! He's totally fine with every part of it and is very dedicated to asking me what I want and has agreed to everythin I have asked.

I feel like I'm painting a bad picture of my hubby! He's very understanding and definitely the person I'd want there when I'm in pain. It has ben suggested to me that I'm dealing with self-esteem issues, that sounds about right when I think about it

No it is not fairly common for men to be put off. Though to be fair it does occassionally happen.

What is much more common is for men to be depressed afterwards about the massive change in their relationship to their DW/DP (including reduced or non existent sex life) and not feeling properly connected to the new baby or knowing what role they are supposed to play.

funnysinthegarden I realise it's not the biggest of my worries and having suffered a miscarriage previously, obviously that is a major worry so please stop bringing that up. I have explored those worries and will be discussing it with my doctor when necessary. For now I am concentrating on other things that worry me so I can also deal with those.

Thanks to everyone who has posted, and thanks for giving me a man's perspective! I have a clear plan of talking it through with my hubby and giving myself a good talking to! I feel much better, and will try not to worry!

funnysinthegarden

yea, i dothink it's illuminating that hopalongdagger has shared tah her dh still fancies herand wants to shag her, it is a positive message that your dh does still fancy you after childbirth which some women can find daunting. a lot of women will probably find that comment cheery and helpful, especially first time mums?

no, nothing wrong with being worried, but to imply a minor worry means the op could be with teh wrong man? ffs.