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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Terrified and embarrassed!

75 replies

JosieSmith1 · 22/06/2010 22:16

Hi everyone, before I start I will apologise for the whining!

I am not pregnant but recently married and we're talking about trying for a baby.

My problem is, I am terrified of internal exams, which someone on here said I could refuse, so that's a load off my mind, but I'm worried that when the labour starts I'll be embarrassed about my husband seeing my 'parts' in that way. How could he possibly want to go near me again after witnessing something so disgusting! And I'm embarrassed that I'll make a fool of myself and don't want him to witness all the groaning and screaming that goes on! However, I know that when I'm in that much pain I'll want him there, so one way or another I'll have to deal with it!

I just can't get it all straight in my head and I keep bursting into tears as I'm so worried about it! I don't want my husband to see me any differently, and I don't want to feel degraded by the labour process! Help please!

Sorry again!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 22/06/2010 22:49

if you don't like hospitals then why not think about a homebirth? or a birth centre?

obviously there is a chance you'll have to transfer to hospital but you might find it a bit more relaxing and calmer?

hellymelly · 22/06/2010 22:51

It is easy to be frightened at the thought of labour and birth as all we ever see until we have our own babies are women screaming in agony on tv shows as they lie flat on their backs and push push puuuuuuush the baby out.Would frighten anyone,frightened the hell out of me.Labour is personal to you though,it might be tricky and traumatic,it might also be easy peasy three hours and all done,you don't know.You might end up as I did having to have a c-section,it is all unknown and that is also why it is so frightening .All I can say is think of the other side of it,pregnancy is an amazing experience,and having another person,a new life,come out of your body is the most astonishing and beautiful thing you will ever experience.You will be different as a mother,but in a good way,as it brings another dimension to your life.Babies are lovely!

Original poster

JosieSmith1 · 22/06/2010 22:52

thisisyesterday I am certainly thinking about a home birth. I would ideally want a water birth and am pretty set on it. It has been proven that my blood pressure goes up when I go to hospital so I'm 99% sure I'd be calmer at home. However, as you say, I would consider going to hospital if there were complications, and I'm sure if that happened I'd be happy to go

OP posts:

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 22:53

Josie, please do not worry. Just concentrate on getting pregnant again and carrying a healthy baby to full term.

Giving birth is no big deal, and if you have miscarried then you will know that the end result of having a live child is far more important than any worries your partner may have about seeing the birth or not fancying you afterwards.

BTW I won't apologise for mentioning miscarriage. It is a fact that most of us have to deal with.

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 22:56

yousaidit, what sort of husband, esp after his wife has had a MC, implies that to see her giving birth would be horrific? He must have implied it in some way for the OP to feel like this.

thisisyesterday · 22/06/2010 22:56

I had 2 home water births and they were both fantastic. i'd very much recommend it.
have a look on the homebirth.org site if you haven't already, loads of great info on there (and lots of very positive birth stories)

CarmenSanDiego · 22/06/2010 23:00

I had a home water birth and it was very calm and lovely.

I know people knock birth plans but they can help you feel more prepared and calm. Perhaps watch some videos of hypnobirths and you can see how gentle and lovely it can be. Stay well away from pregnant women in sitcoms

Everyone is a little nervous about birth and those fears are very valid. But you can arm yourself with a lot of tools (emotional and practical) which can help you feel powerful enough to cope with it. Birthing from Within has this idea about being a tiger - powerful, strong and able. It's miles away from being degrading or victimised. Hypnobirthing gives you a lot of control and calmness.

Nothing is guaranteed in birth, but the more prepared you are, the better your chances of having a good or at least manageable experience.

maktaitai · 22/06/2010 23:06

funnys, what on earth?? I had lots of weird things in my head about pregnancy and childbirth that weren't put there by my dh! I feel like I must be misunderstanding your post tbh.

piprabbit · 22/06/2010 23:07

Carmen is right about birthplans being very useful.

You could even include something in yours saying that you are very uncomfortable about having internal examinations and an audience looking at your bits, and asking the MW etc. to be particularly discreet and not to leave you exposed for more than is medically necessary. Might make you feel more in control.

yousaidit · 22/06/2010 23:07

funnysinthyegarden, my post doesn't refer to a dh saying seeing birth is horrific, so would you clarify what it is you want me to answer for? and would you check with the op if her dh has actually said this instead of 'he must have implied it in some way for the op to feel like this' when op has stated her dh 'says it won't bother him... he thinks childbirth is wonderfully natural'? or are you now firing down a dh you possibly have never met?

nagoo · 22/06/2010 23:11

Oh, and avoid Casualty/ ER type programmes

megapixels · 22/06/2010 23:12

Honestly when you look at it from far away it does seems worse than it is, once you get to it you just tend to go with the flow. I doubt that your dh will be put off after seeing the birth (not that it's impossible but it's unlikely).

About being embarrassed, I seem to be different from the other posters here in that I did feel embarrassed. Tbh I felt humiliated at lying back legs spread out and writhing in pain with people looking there. I spoke to my Gyn about it afterwards and she said that she was the same with her first baby too and that many of her patients have been the same. When I had my second I asked for only the midwife to be present, no students and no males staff at all. That really did help and I did not have any feelings of embarrasment or humiliation with my second child. Try and think of what might help you feel less embarrassed and don't be shy to ask for it.

megapixels · 22/06/2010 23:14

male staff, not males staff.

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 23:24

ahh well yousaidit and mak, you obv have weird relationships with your OH's.

The idea that a woman giving birth is disgusting is very odd and must be reflected back on ones relationship I guess.

nagoo · 22/06/2010 23:24

I only had the midwife and a trainee mw (which was good, i felt spoilt having two) with DP and me in the room.

I've heard this business about the man with the clipboard in the corner, but I didn't experience that.

at the risk of a thread hijack, how many people have been in... aah no I'll ask in anoher one.

yousaidit · 22/06/2010 23:27

FUNNYSINTHEGARDEN, explain yourself please.

where is the statement or implication that i have a wierd relationship with my dh? Where have i said that giving birth is disgusting?

yousaidit · 22/06/2010 23:27

Or don't you want to answer my posts because you're wrong?

yousaidit · 22/06/2010 23:29

and what about you incorrectly implying the op's dh has given the op these fears when she has stated he is being positive?

Hmmm..not very forthcoming with answers are you
? or are you just going to fire off general sarky comments all night?

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 23:35

my my yousaidit, very defensive tonight non? 3 posts in a row. Well Done.

I am never wrong.

I think it is weird to be so wound up about giving birth before you are even pregnant. Get pregnant first, then talk to DH about giving birth, then come and discuss your fears. That seems to be the right order.

BTW it is VERY RUDE to shout

secunda · 22/06/2010 23:39

This is the place for discussing irrational fears, surely? I don't think her concerns are particularly odd. It's good the OP has had some advice she feels is helpful and is now reassured.

yousaidit · 22/06/2010 23:42

Well, that's fine, if you think it is weird for op to be so wound up about giving birth before even pregnant.

But, you haven't answered any of my questions just 'I am never wrong'.

Oh, it might be rude to shout, but it's just as rude to ignore questions posters put directly to you, esp when it is bleedin' obvious you're avoiding saying 'Got that one wrong, soz'.

Thanks for the 'well done' though, my day is complet with a pat on the head from you.

have this love. it makes as much sense as you.

and goodnight! I'd rather be up with my dcs in the morning than up in the night with you YOU STINKY FACE LADY!!

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 23:47

'stinky face lady' what a hoot. How old are you? Thanks for the biscuit.

And the word you were looking for was complete as opposed to complet.

As far as I can see you asked no coherent questions at all.

funnysinthegarden · 22/06/2010 23:49

Josie sorry to hijack your thread like this. Hope you found, amidst all the nonsense, some of the answers you were hoping for.

I appreciate you might not have liked my reply, but I'm afraid you are on mumsnet ! Tis the way it goes.

MadameCheese · 22/06/2010 23:57

Dear oh dear. FWIW Josie I asked DH what it looked like down there as DS was appearing and he said that he didn't notice he was just concentrating on the baby's head. He also can't remember much about it!

CarmenSanDiego · 22/06/2010 23:58

Plenty of women suffer from tokophobia. It's not weird at all. It can affect plenty of women who aren't even in relationships, let alone ttc or pregnant. It can even stop women from entering relationships.

Very, very unpleasant to describe someone dealing with an upsetting phobia or fear as 'weird' and to belittle her fears. Especially when she's seeking help in quite a reasonable and pleasant way on an appropriate forum. This isn't AIBU.

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