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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Would you let your children watch you give birth?

57 replies

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 16:24

Am in two minds! Have a five and a half year old daughter and am due in september. Would love to have a home birth this time - wanted one with my first but just didn't happen. Am keen for dd to be as involved as she is comfortable with but obviously don't want to distress her.

My plan is to have my mum come down when I go into labour to be there to look after her so she can be as involved or not as she likes and obviously care for her if I do need to go into hospital.

I think I got so caught up in planning a lovely, calm, peaceful home birth with no screaming etc but just thought what if I do end up making lots of noise and it really upsets her?

What do you all think?

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Tidey · 18/05/2010 16:30

I wouldn't do it, because both of my labours and births were filled with me crying and wailing and screaming and poor DP trying to get through to me and midwives getting angry with me.

If, however, your first birth was calm and you think it will go that way again, then go for it. Also if things don't go the way you're picturing, your mum will be there to take your DD to the park or something.

BallpointPen · 18/05/2010 16:30

We are planning on TTC starting November of this year and I, like you, would like a homebirth this time. My DD will be approx 9 when that baby comes along so a little older than your DD but I was thinking of doing pretty as you are thinking of doing things.

You want her involved, as much she wants to be, so she will be there but you've given her the option of a break from the proceedings by having your Mum there to take her out if necessary.

All sounds like sensible stuff to me.

Have you asked DD if this sounds good to her? Does she know something of what to expect when a baby is born?

lukewarmcupoftea · 18/05/2010 16:32

Hmmm, I wouldn't actually let her watch tbh unless she's massively keen to, but she should be OK with being in the same house. I think its a bit horrific even for the DH/DPs.

My 2 year old was home when I was labouring, but grandma took her into the garden to have a picnic tea, then straight off to bed without saying goodnight to me (only DH). How on earth she slept through the noise I was making I have no idea. The last thing I would have wanted to think about was trying to reassure her and keep quiet! It was a relief to know that my mum was there looking after her, so I knew I didn't have to think about her, iyswim.

Think your DD is old enough for you to talk to about it though - to explain that it looks loud/painful, but is actually all normal, nothing to worry about etc, but that mummy might not be able to talk to her as will need to concentrate on bringing baby bro/sis into the world.

Original poster

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 16:34

I have shown her some very gentle birth videos on you tube and we've talked about what might happen,that it will hurt mummy but that it's good pain. She's not sure at the moment and oviously would never pressure her if she didn't want to but would hate her to miss out too!

Thanks for positive responses - had some friends who made me feel like I was insane and damaging my child by even considering it!

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MumNWLondon · 18/05/2010 16:35

Yes. I regret not doing this... but then I had a totally calm peaceful birth in hospital with DC2 (now 4) so knew DC3's birth would be ok with no screaming.

In the end I decided not to have a homebirth as DD - now 6 (DC1) needed resuc at birth by hospital crash team so chickened out.

In the end DC3's birth was in hospital and was totally calm. I didn't scream, although did suck on G&A. But he was born at 6.43am - so had I been at home not sure I would have woken them up (in the event only 3 mins between me not really being in labour and birth being imminent so they might have missed it anyway) - midwifes didn't realise I was in established labour, so would have been fine for DC to be watching.

And I had my mum lined up to stay but DC3 was early and my mum got stuck abroad due to ash cloud!

DD and DS1 both v upset about me changing my mind they are both saying I need to have another DC so they can watch.

Original poster

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 16:41

Good point MumNWLondon - I don't want to promise her anything and then end up having to go to hospital and have her upset and feeling like she's missed out! And I don't think there will be any more so she'll have to make the most of this one!

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nubbins · 18/05/2010 16:47

my 8 yr old and 2 yr old were asleep for most of my labour, the 2yr old woke 2 hours before I gave birth and I saw her breifly and then she went downstairs to be entertained and was not interested in comming back in to see what the noise was about. My 8yr old woke half an hour before the birth, didn't come in, went straight downstairs and had brekkie.

There were a few almighty screams during my labour, but they didn't wake the kids, my eldest seems to be a bit embarrased by the noise, but not disturbed.

If your mum is going to be distressed by hearing/seeing you in pain then it's probably best she keeps your dd away, but if everyone there is happy, relaxed and fine with it all, then I can't see a problem.

sarah293 · 18/05/2010 16:51

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lovechoc · 18/05/2010 16:59

Nope. Simple reason being that I was distressed with the last labour and was in a right state - wouldn't want DS to witness that at the age of 3 if such events were to occur again in a few months time.

Original poster

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 17:15

Thankyou for all your responses. Certainly given me a lot to think about.

I love the idea of a smooth, easy birth and dd being there as and when she wanted to. Not sure how it would be if things did get difficult though - not good for my positive thinking birth preparation either!

Hmmm - may need some more discussion with dp!

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superv1xen · 18/05/2010 17:19

i wouldn't to be honest, sorry, from my point of view i watched a birth video at school aged about 12 and it gave me a fear of childbirth so severe i have had to have 2 elective caesareans with my 2 dcs.

not saying this would happen to your DD btw, just wanted to add my 2p worth x

instructionstothedouble · 18/05/2010 17:21

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anonymousbird · 18/05/2010 17:25

I just could not have done this, traumatic experience or what. I screamed and wailed - no pain relief - and it was all pretty bloody and furious stuff. I could not put a child through that. A grown man, the medical student, nearly fainted and was utterly ashen and silent afterwards so I cannot imagine the effect on a DC.

Sorry to be blunt, I cannot imagine the circumstances....

Am with supervixen on this one!! Smooth easy birth?????

TheNextMrsDepp · 18/05/2010 17:35

I would say that five and a half is possibly not a great age to be witnessing such things - old enough to get upset at mummy apparently in distress but not old enough to put into perspective what's going on. Personally I can't think of anything worse than having dcs around when all you want to do is focus on the job in hand, but hey, we're all different...

ronx · 18/05/2010 17:35

Not for me, thank you.

I think that knowing my DS could hear and see me would put me off concentrating on giving birth. I'd be too worried that he'd be freaked out by seeing his mother in such a state.

WhatsAllThisThen · 18/05/2010 17:37

Never in a million years.

Why would I want them to see me screaming and writhing in agony?

FioFio · 18/05/2010 17:39

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MamaGlee · 18/05/2010 17:40

I wouldn't.

ande · 18/05/2010 17:41

One of my DT (17) really wants to be with me when i give birth to this one (I'm 37+1 atm) and initially I thought this would be a good thing (put her off getting pregnant in the not too distant iyswim). Now i'm begining to think I will be worried she will be too distressed and or irritating!

EmilyStrange · 18/05/2010 17:50

Sorry but never ever. It is the possibility that what if something goes wrong, I just would not want my children to experience that kind of trauma and anxiety. You just can't be sure how it will go and I would not be willing to risk my kids having to watch a traumatic birth experience.

PixieCake · 18/05/2010 17:53

There have been a few posters in previous threads discussing fear of childbirth who can trace it back to early experiences of watching births. They mainly refer to watching videos so it might be different in their home surroundings, but such psychological effects might be something to consider.

sarah293 · 18/05/2010 18:23

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peasandbeans · 18/05/2010 18:26

Our dc3 was born at home when dds1 and 2 were 3.10 and 2.3 years old. I started to labour relatively strongly whilst they were having dinner, so we got them into bed fairly swiftly and said good night. All was quiet upstairs.

An hour or two later ds1 was born. I suppose we had been making a certain amount of noise, but the birth went very smoothly. A few minutes after the birth dd1 appeared downstairs. She told me that she had heard a baby crying and could she come and see?

I can only suppose that she had heard significantly more than 'a baby crying' as the noise of a 5 minute old baby is not enormous compared with me in labour.

Anyway, we let her stay whilst we got ds1 dry and warm, and she insisted that she didn't want to go to bed until he had his pyjamas on. She stayed with us whilst the placenta was birthed, and saw a certain amount of blood etc, but there was noone else to look after her and it seemed that she was much happier being in the thick of it than being sent back to her bedroom by herself, just so that she wouldn't be shocked by what she saw.

She finally went to bed at about 11pm, but only once she had chosen the clothes for her baby brother, helped to put them on, and done up all the poppers on the pyjamas by herself.

She and I both have wonderful memories of this birth, and I have no regrets at all.

I am now pregnant with dc4 and I have no plans at all to encourage dc1,2 and 3 to watch me giving birth. Labour is enough for me to cope with without having to attend to the needs of 3 small children. But I hope that they will be close by and that they will be able to meet their new brother or sister very soon after the birth. The first hours with a new baby can be so magical, that I wouldn't want them to miss out.

CarmenSanDiego · 18/05/2010 18:31

I would let them be in the house and choose what they want to do.

My dds were in the next room with a DVD while I was having ds. They wandered through when they felt like it.

You don't want to feel inhibited by them, but to be honest I wasn't all that aware of them in the serious stages. They came running to see him born though and talked about little else afterwards. They both drew pictures of me in the birth tub at school for their 'what I did in the holidays'

As long as you have someone around to look after them, if things are looking too scary, they'll probably retreat of their own accord. Birth complications very, very rarely happen suddenly so they can almost always be ushered out in the unlikely event of something unpleasant happening.

My friend who is a very experienced home birth midwife says that she's found children almost always cope well with birth.

I think it's a shame children don't get to see birth. It's an incredible experience for them.

EdgarAllenPoll · 18/05/2010 18:36

i could barely watch myself..

no. I tried to explain to DD the other day, but now she runs around pointing at her own tummy saying 'Baby!'

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