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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Would you let your children watch you give birth?

57 replies

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 16:24

Am in two minds! Have a five and a half year old daughter and am due in september. Would love to have a home birth this time - wanted one with my first but just didn't happen. Am keen for dd to be as involved as she is comfortable with but obviously don't want to distress her.

My plan is to have my mum come down when I go into labour to be there to look after her so she can be as involved or not as she likes and obviously care for her if I do need to go into hospital.

I think I got so caught up in planning a lovely, calm, peaceful home birth with no screaming etc but just thought what if I do end up making lots of noise and it really upsets her?

What do you all think?

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Hulababy · 18/05/2010 18:36

Yes, if DD wanted to I would, esp for a home birth.

One of my friend's had a homebirth and sent her DD off to school (was aout 6y at time) to school when in established labour. My own DD (same age) commented back then that she would have liked to have stayed and watched had it been me.

I would make sure there was an adult there specifically to care for DD though incase she changed her mind or wanted someone to talk to.

maxpower · 18/05/2010 18:39

No. I'd be worried that it would frighten DC seeing mummy in such pain and it might cause you stress to see her if she got upset and you were limited as to what you could do to comfort her.

EdgarAllenPoll · 18/05/2010 18:42

wouldn't you have probs with little kids? I mean, DD thinks my boobs are very funny, (she sees them often enough, but still, apparently, items of hilarity) and my lady garden is an item of some curiousity to her.

I' m not sure how i'd cope with contx and a rampaging 3yo following me as i pace back and forth going 'Da-dit!?'* and trying to grab my pubic hair.

What is it?

glastocat · 18/05/2010 18:45

I can't imagine anything worse, but differet strokes for different folks.

maltesers · 18/05/2010 18:47

No dont think so , it was just too too painful for my kids to witness.. .. .

MarsLady · 18/05/2010 18:55

I think the way that you've planned it is lovely. If she comes in and wants to watch, why not. As someone else said... it always happened. Giving birth is a part of life. I hope you have a lovely birth.

Trafficcone · 18/05/2010 18:58

My kids are older, 9, 11 and 15. The 15 year old has said he's definitely NOT going to be here, we've arranged for a mate to come and take him in the middle of the night, or in the day, he'll just leave!
The 9 yr old is not sure, thinks he'll stay in the house, but not in the room, he's definitely keen to be one of the first people to hold her though.
And dd, 11 wants to be there for the whole thing and school have said we can pull her out if it happens in the school day. She's wanted to be a midwife since she was very young though no I'm not surprised.
They've all seen countless birth programmes on TV and are well aware of the pain I'll be in and how it'll all be over as soon as she's born and that pain doesn't mean I'm dying or being harmed!

ticktockclock · 18/05/2010 19:06

No way, No how, Uh Uh, Nope, No chance, Never. My DP was lucky to be in the same room!

WhatsAllThisThen · 18/05/2010 19:23

I cannot begin to fathom why anyone would want to. To me it is utter insanity.

piscesmoon · 18/05/2010 19:33

Absolutely not! I don't think it is fair-they are DCs.
I have had very easy births, with only gas and air, but it is painful and I wouldn't want them to see me in pain.
I also think it is a time when the new baby is centre of attention and you can concentrate solely on them-you shouldn't be worrying about things from the DCs point of view and having to include them. No one can guarantee that they will be problem free-it could turn out to be very scarey for them.
It is one time that DCs should be treated like DCs and not mini adults, put their needs first.
I'm sure that you could go on a lambing weekend if you wanted to show them a live birth.

BertieBotts · 18/05/2010 19:37

I haven't read the whole thread, but there is a section on www.homebirth.org.uk about having older children present.

I think it's worth remembering that adults are probably more likely to be frightened by watching a birth than children - we have these expectations of what childbirth is like from TV soaps etc - a few screams and then baby is born, very clean, pink plump and screaming, mum is fine straight away, never needs stitches or to deliver the placenta (!) or forceps etc.

Naturally birth is very rarely like that! There is always more blood involved for starters, and most babies aren't pink until they take their first breaths. When we are expecting it all to go like it does on TV and then are confronted with the reality, even if it is a straightforward birth, if the watching adult is unprepared it can be scary because they immediately think something must be wrong. A child doesn't have that expectation, because usually they haven't seen a birth in a soap or drama or film or anything. You don't get "Something Special: Mr Tumble in the Maternity Ward" on CBeebies

And remember adults know that there is a chance - a small chance yes, but we know that it's possible for things to go badly wrong. You probably wouldn't tell a child this, in order not to scare them, so they wouldn't have that underlying fear, and if you explain that you might scream and cry but really it's ok, they will take that at face value and not worry about it. They don't tend to overthink things like adults do.

piscesmoon · 18/05/2010 19:40

I don't see why children have to grow up so soon! Include them afterwards with a celebration.

warthog · 18/05/2010 19:42

no, but i think it depends largely on how you labour.

my kids hate seeing me in pain. and there was lots of blood for me. i think they would just be traumatized.

but you know your kids, and you know what it was like the first time. do what feels right for you.

DomesticG0ddess · 18/05/2010 19:48

I personally would not want to, and I think 5 1/2 is too young to witness a birth, but you know your child. However, I think you should probably ask yourself "what if" things don't go as planned and you/baby are in distress, ambulance trip to hospital, that sort of thing, and your daughter is aware of what is going on. Hopefully you will have the birth you want though.

EmilyStrange · 18/05/2010 19:52

I know it is a small chance of something going wrong and going wrong suddenly but I just couldn't take the risk with even such a small chance. I just don't think it is worth it. And to have to keep a brave face for the dc in the event of some problem would just be one pressure too many for me.

Loopymumsy · 18/05/2010 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bluecardi · 18/05/2010 19:55

You'll need to go into your birth frame of mind & not have to deal with your child. Have your mum bring her to see you just for a quick moment - have lots of things organized for her to do elsewhere.

Greythorne · 18/05/2010 19:55

Totally depends on your existing DC.

I have a very good friend who a kind of militant hippy...not very tolerant, quite dogmatic. Weird combination of liberalism and narrow-mindedness but that's another thread.

Anyway, she had a home birth and she was determined her three year old would be there, watch it all, be really into the whole experience, love it, be inspired, understand the power of motherhood etc etc She was adamant her DC would not be distressed or upset.

In reality, in some way, she was right, her DD was NOT upset at all, took it all in her stride. but she just wasn't particularly interested either. She was bored, yawned alot, wanted to go out. As soon as the baby was born, the DD said, 'can I go now, mummy? I want to do some stickers'

My friend interpreted this as a massive confirmation that she had been right to have her DC there, that she was not upset. But I just thought it showed the whole thing was above her DC's head and not very relevant and her DC couldn't wait to go back to doing what 3 year olds like doing, like stickers.

Gigantaur · 18/05/2010 19:56

no.
I was at the hospital when my mum went into labour with my sister. For a while the only option was for me to go in and witness the birth. I was horrified. I would have gladly walked home on my hands than have been made to go into that room.

Plus my Ds is 9 and has ASd & ADHD. he would be totally freaked out by it all. DD is 5 and is already obsessed with babies. I think it would scare her too.

Tanga · 18/05/2010 20:13

Another no. But I did try this as my DD (then 12) was really, really keen. I was in hospital, too, so not a home birth (I'd been in hospital for ages 'cos my water broke at 29 weeks) but my Dad brought DD in to the hospital and they were shown in just as the staff were trying to get a canula in and moments later all hell broke loose as I suddenly started fitting and machines beeping and people running around.

DD is still a bit traumatised, very funny about needles and it took a long,long time for her to bond with her brother (although that might have been because he was in an incubator for weeks.)

Salbysea · 18/05/2010 20:16

no way, never, no no no
DH was so traumatized from the birth of my DS that there is no way I would put a DC through that

CantSupinate · 18/05/2010 20:18

A friend (expecting No. 7 baby) is planning to have her 12yo DD as her birth partner soon. We all joke that there will be no teenage pregnancies in that household

marjean · 18/05/2010 20:19

My dd1 (just 3 at the time) sat with her dad next to the birthing pool during my last homebirth (dd3). DD2 was asleep in bed as it was 7ish in the morning but dd1 had heard some noises and came in to see what was going on. The mws chatted to her and showed her all their equipment, dressed her in a plastic apron and I think that this showed her that, despite the noises I was making, it was a completely normal event. I think that this does, in a way, keep children children more so than a mysterious disappearance to hospital and arrival back with a little baby to usurp their position. I had spoken to dd1 lots of times during my pregnancy about what was happening and what might happen when the baby 'came out'. Anyway, it was lovely. We all have great memories of the first moments she met her sister, helped get her dressed and gave her cuddles. As others have said, it depends on the child but in my experience, it was magical and I'd do it again.

Original poster

Simbaline · 18/05/2010 20:21

Thankyou for all your replies - it's great to have so many varied points of view. Love the idea of Mr Tumble in the maternity ward! Will keep me smiling for a while!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 18/05/2010 20:29

"You sign: Forceps!"

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