feeling guilty / failure after traumatic birth

[hayton]

I am pregnant with my second child, and have started to have a great deal of anxiety, that stems from the birth of my first child 3 years ago. I was induced, and then the induction was stopped due to a lack of beds, it was then started again without my partner present, and ended 27 hours later with a face presentation birth, my son was totally stuck, and it was only realised when I was prepped for a C-section. We are both fine now, but I had a lot of internal stitches and a prolapsed bladder, and needed corrective surgery 5 months later.
Going to the hospital and discussing the birth or our next child (I am 28wks) has given me flashbacks, and anxiety around the birth, as well as a range of feelings about my 'performance' during the my son's birth. I feel like I let him down my not managing to push him out, I feel guilty that I did not realise something was wrong, and that my son was struggling. After the awful birth I shut it all out and concentrated on just getting better and being a mum, but with every visits to the hospital regarding my current pregnancy, I am getting more emotional about the last birth.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings of somehow failing to do what nature intended? I am normally a totally confident independent person, so I am finding it difficult to understand why I feel like a failure in this respect.

Jesus there are some horrific stories on here that make the issues I had with my DS's birth look like a walk in the park.

I was however pretty traumatised and I just want to say to the OP (and indeed anyone else who needs help that chances on this thread) that it was only having a miscarriage at the beginning of the year that made me seek help for the negativity still lurking from DS's birth. I had hypnotherapy and EFT and I finally got rid of all the crap I'd been carrying around for the previous 18 months.

I would always urge people to get help sooner rather than later from any of the resources people have already linked to. You waste so much time beating yourself up about things that were completely outside of your control. When you hear the "well you're both ok so it doesn't matter" it compounds the guilt you feel - you end up feeling guilty about feeling guily which is something, frankly, that only women can do to themselves.

Hayton,
Like everyone else here I had a horrific birth too, pre eclampsia, HDU, c section, haemorraging, you get the drift. I ended up with severe PND which I am only at last starting to come to terms with - DD is 2 in Feb.....My point is that I think you are the bravest of the brave even having a 2nd DC. You went through so much and still want to bring a new life into the world. I on the other hand am resigning my DD to a life of an only child as I am too scared to ever have another. So be proud, not ashamed..follow the advice of everyone here and remember that you are making a family with your second child. Good Luck

Giving birth is a deeply spiritual experience, and if that experience has been violated on some level then the wound can take a lot of time and effort to heal. It's worth trying to find out where exactly the wounding happened was it the case that an experience didn't match an ideal or was there some force at work that cast a malign hand on the labour and delivery did you feel there was deep respect for the process you were undergoing or were you just a hospital case number? Did you feel some form of misogyny at work? Or was there a feeling of not being supported, listened to, talked to -- communicated with as if you mattered, or were you treated like a vessel, a slab of meat?

Hi Mathan, if that is for me, I don't know to be honest. Work treated me like a princess,which I was very lucky with. The hospital were great, but I was on a pre eclampsia protocol which said that I had to have a midwife with me 24 hours til I gave birth and because I was so ill everyone I came into contact with was introduced to me as the Head of this, this is the best consultant and I started to really worry that there was something going wrong. They were tryong to reassure me but it had the opposite effect. I also had a really bad pregnancy. Sick everyday til I was induced, and my hormones were raging so badly my whole personality changed. I've accepted my decision now with counselling, but I think I'll always have a few regrets.

I just want to add something here (excuse me it's DH's birthday and I've had half a glass of beer and I'm a little cross-eyed!)

But I want to say this - on the feeling of failure you speak about (and I know about having felt them too) us women that have had traumatic births are so so far from failures it's untrue. Oh course everyone praises a women who had a 'easy' birth telling them how wonderful they are etc etc. But in all truth it's not them (or us) that had any control over our births is it? It's all down to luck/Mother Nature call it what you want. The size of our babies and the size of our pelvis among other things

But as I was saying - women who have had traumatic births are far from failure. we go through hell and suffer pain and still we get up and love and care for our newborns (not immediately (obviously) - but pretty damn soon after), It has to be pretty flipping easy to get up and be all loving and fluffy if you've had a straight forward birth (personally I haven't a clue if it actually is or not) but it takes one hell of an amazing woman to get herself back up and love and adore this new being that they brought into the world after going through a trauma

Biggest problem is, I think, is that when it comes to birth, not one seems to give a shit about how awful it was for the mother. "Oh but you've had a healthy baby" (hopefully - I know some people don't sadly) is what you get told. You'd never hear anyone telling some one who'd got fairly smashed up in a car crash 'oh well at least you'll get a lovely shiny new car from the insurance out of it'

as i said sorry for my rambling I shall go back to sipping my beer now

Beautifully put, buddleja.
It makes you feel ten times worse when someone says "at least you have a healthy baby"- you have to add feeling ungrateful and unworthy to being failure at giving birth.

hi, haven't read all posts so don't know if others have covered what I'm going to say, but DS was back-to-back and delivered facing upwards. I found a lot of the labour traumatic (medical staff panicking when things weren't going to their plan, misplaced epidural, after a misplaced drip, then a drip they tore out, then BP plummetted) and really struggled after feeling that I'd failed. At a fairly late ante-natal apt. when pg with DD, a midwife asked how I'd got on last time and when I said I still didn't understand what happened, she got my notes and went through it all, explained what happened at what point - and actually praised me for how well I'd done! - like a debriefing. It really helped me and made me realise I hadn't failed at all, far from it. It certainly helped me prepare for delivering DD - who was in exactly the same position, but totally different (positive) labour experience. good luck.

Buddleja you make sense! Have spent the last 3.5 years feeling guilty, but now feel rather proud Have another drink and come spout more wise words (seriously, heartfelt thanks!)

hi,had my first 9 years ago- terrible experience, infected stiches and corrective surgery...then my second 4 years later-v 'normal' birth.
time is a great healer, just keep talking about it; you will be ok. my friend just did a hynobirth tape and said it really helped. maybe look into that?
the trauma is awful, i do feel for you- i wish you a happier experience soon (!)- but feel so privileged to have my lovely boy-even tho' it was so hard.
good luck!

Hi Hayton

I just wanted to say that I had a similarly horrific experience with my first baby and was terrified about giving birth again but when my 2nd baby was born this summer we had the most amazingly postive labour. It really couldn't have been easier and I understand that is often the case.
Good luck and try not to worry too much.
X

Hi, I had a horrible birth in November, it went on for 48hours and I spent most of it at home because the midwife wouldnt let me go in. It turned out the baby was back to back and by the time I got into hospital I was 7cm and out of control and very scared-they didn't check the position until I was 10cm and the midwife was adamant that I should give birth with no pain releif. I was 10cm at 11pm but the baby was not delivered until 8am the next morning after trying everything but eventually ended up with an emergency c-section. It got worse when the epidural was too weak and I felt the pain of the caesarean so they gave me valium and I missed her birth and the day passed in a haze-I don't remember seeing her for the first time-which upsets me a lot. My community midwife should have turned the baby around when she knew she was the wrong way and it should have been communicated by my notes because no-one guessed that she was still back to back. I think some midwifes are lazy and we should say more in our antenals and not just assume they know best-which I did. I also think it is important to write a birth plan-I didn't as I thought I should just go with the flow but I was so out of control that everything I said got ignored. I needed calming down-just the midwife to speak to me and bring me to reality but she just sat there writing notes. I think a doula would be a good idea if you are like me and got/get very scared and panicked. Some births do go wrong so its best to be prepared and communicate it with your partner and dont leave it so late to go into hospital that you can't even talk to the midwife about what you want! Just remember that no matter how bad the pain that it is a positive pain and you will have a very good outcome!!

Hi Hayton, pleased you are feeling positive about the section.
one thing i didnt' mention that also helped was, and i didn't know i could do it after my first birth experience, i met the consultant, came along with a list of my questions / comments etc about the birth, we went through them. it didn't help entirely but it did ease the pain a little. may not be the best time to do it now, but perhaps one day.
i think that and the hypnotherapy did help and visualisation - imagining things going well.
and the change of hospital.
lots of people have said that things were much improved second time around. for me some things were better but others were much worse. however, looking back on it now - DC 2 is 15 months i know that i have made peace with it all - all the crap of both births. it has taken time but it has happened. it seemed to take a concerted effort on my part to grieve the whole lot and put it to bed once and for all. it was not an easy process and took a long time and who knows if i would have flashbacks if i did get pregnant with DC3 but for the moment can i say to all those who are plauged by this that things can and do get better

Hayton- I had a difficult first delivery (DD was back-to-back and was delivered in theatre using ventouse and rotating it as they pulled her out ). I had terrible feelings of guilt (she wasn't breathing when she came out and had a really sore head) and failure (why couldn't i push?) and didn't think i could go through birth again. When we planned our second DC, I decided i wanted a c-section, and due to the stitches (internal, external and episiotomy) and the bladder weakness I'd had, the consultant agreed straightaway thankfully. I found the whole experience wonderful- I was a bit nervous in the build up to the section, as i am sure i would with any surgery, but am glad i chose it, and I had my third DC by planned c-section 8 months ago . I am glad you are feeling positive about your c-section and I hope like me you find it a very happy experience

I am so relieved to know that it is not just me. My first birth, just over two years ago, ended up in an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic. Physically I recovered pretty well but it took ages for me to come to terms with it emotionally. Actually I'm not sure I really have even now. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant and have a planned c-section scheduled for 25th Jan. For me, the important thing is to avoid the drama of last time and the general anaesthetic, both of which I blame for my emotional response. I'm hoping that being able to have this baby in a calm way, and being conscious will help make it an enjoyable experience. And I can't put my DH through another crash section.

I do have moments of feeling like I'm chickening out of doing this "properly" but it doesn't seem to me that there are any good options available to me. It will be a "high risk" delivery anyway so the hospital will want me on the ward, being monitored, with the midwife watching the monitors somewhere outside the room. That is pretty much what happened last time so it feels quite likely that I'd end up in the same place.

Now I just need this baby not to decide to come early while we're snowed in...

Foxy, I am replying to you because I feel we have been having a dialogue.

This thread really has me screaming internally. When I read Hayton's post I could see that at least part of the trauma was caused by the medical staff. Stopping and starting an induction without your partner being around must have been awful and quite scary. Most of the other posts I have read on here have similar elements to them.

Midwives and other staff are hugely responsible for making labour out to be such a wonderful, easy thing when really such a small number of people have a positive experience of it. Also, I believe that the attitude of professionals in this country, towards labour, is quite cavalier. It seems hugely underfunded and understaffed because medics believe that all women just push baby out easily, which is obviously not the case.

I am also not convinced that some midwives believe that expectant mothers are not entitled to be treated with a degree of dignity and are quite dictatorial about procedures, which makes the whole thing much more stressful for the mother.

Maybe my own feelings are coloured by my own experience, but I really do think that in some cases the attitude of health professionals and their ability to act quickly could turn a potentially traumatic experience into something a bit more positive.

Well, having had one abdominal surgery, and five deliveries, I would choose abdominal surgery (not necessarily a cs) any day. The nursing care in post op was so much better, ime, than the nursing care in the maternity ward. I have a neighbour who is a maternity nurse -- she has been feeling for a while now that she is at the point of being burned out, and resents many patients for their 'neediness'. I don't think she's the only one feeling that way, judging by my very mixed experiences of recovery post partum. I think nursing care can make or break your experience of childbirth. The worst experience I had was with a combative, lazy and callous nurse who either didn't speak English or pretended not to when it suited her, who tried to put a big drip needle in the back of my hand without numbing me first, complained and whined when I insisted she put it in my wrist AND with novocaine thank you very much. Then she left me alone for about an hour after first knocking the drip somehow, so my contractions speeded up dangerously. Hospital had no anesthesiologist to spare for an epidural so I bare knuckled it with no pain relief (not necessarily a terrible thing, but baby was over 9 lbs). Small potatoes compared to most experiences here.

There is an attitude that women are cry babies who need toughening up, no new mother is really all that special even though they think they are -- there is no respect for the profound nature of the event that takes place in the hospital, no acknowledgement that it's not just something medical that happens in the maternity ward.

I agree with AliGrylls "some midwives believe that expectant mothers are not entitled to be treated with a degree of dignity and are quite dictatorial about procedures," I think it comes down to a basic disrespect for women.

I don't feel like my body failed me... i feel like the system failed me, i was totally let down over and over again my several health 'professionals'... not saying it was their fault.. my midwife had 5 other people in established labour - she couldn't be with us all at the same time!
Also know what you mean about 'fictional birth notes' - my midwife wrote most of my notes at the end and just made up the times - some of them are even crossed out and changed where she realised it didn't quite add up!
On the run up to your labour you read so much in mags that say 'have the labour you want' and you write a birth plan.. but my midwife wouldn't even let me off the bed/ off my back (when she was there!)
We are farmers and treat our cows with more respect and dignity and definitely wouldn't let them labour that long!

had an absolutely horrific first labour with dd, who took about 60 hours to come out. She was born with an undiaganosed diaphragmatic hernia and had to be transferred to Addenbrook's the same day for surgery. At first the consultant blamed me because I'd had a water birth and they thought she'd somehow inhaled some water - then they did an x-ray. She was in SCUBU for about 2weeks then 2 more weeks in hospital. Guilt is an understatement for how I felt. Throughout my next pregnancy I was terrified. The labour was actually fine (12 hours straightforward, no pain relief), but I was Hysterical, I really was beside myself. 2 years later pregnant with dc3 my approach was DENIAL - it simply wasn't happening. I missed midwife appointments, didn't want to talk about the baby and actually LOST weight. At about 36 weeks I broke down in front of my midwife, who referred me for counselling. Thank god.

Ds2 was born in 4 hours and was a fantastic experience. I trusted myself to do it. I didn't fight the contractions. I didn't panic. I went with it. But I don't think I could have done if I hadn't talked to somebody who completely validated what had happened to me and dd and how I felt about it.

Talk to someone - really let it all out.

When you feel that first contraction try to welcome it, trust that your body and your baby knows what to do.

Really wishing you lots of luck.

I think AliGrylls is on to something. I had a very difficult first birth, but I'm not sure it was exactly traumatic. And I think that's only down to a brilliant midwife I had the good luck to have, who took the time to explain what was happening to me, so when the time came to do the emergency section etc I was mentally ready and felt like I had really taken a part of the decision. I think that's why in my head its never felt as horrific as the story sounds if I tell it blow by blow. Physically its possible to cope with an amazing amount, but being treated with respect and having an active part in the birth is essential IMO, but all too often lacking. I never used a doula in the end, but I think that's the huge value one might give you - to make the space for you to be treated as a responsible person deserving of respect and personal autonomy. Equally that's why an elective c-section can be the answer - out of the heat of the delivery room, you get to make an informed decision (or actively accept one). I could have gone either way - in the end it was a straighforward regular birth for me, but I could really see the appeal of choosing the elective that was offered to me.

Sorry for the ramble, but I'm glad this thread has helped Hayton - I really hope all goes well for you and you get the birth you deserve.

i think there are some good points on this thread. in particular a common theme.
my community midwife (dealt with early / mid pregnancy) second time around was lovely (and remarkably consistent) and i remember telling her that i was treated worse than the sht on someone's shoe the first time around in hospital. because that's certainly how it felt. there were some good midwives in both my birth experiences - which went on for well weeks if you count the weeksn in hospital before and after as part of it all.
but at being treated as if i really didn't matter at all was very hurtful.