feeling guilty / failure after traumatic birth

[hayton]

I am pregnant with my second child, and have started to have a great deal of anxiety, that stems from the birth of my first child 3 years ago. I was induced, and then the induction was stopped due to a lack of beds, it was then started again without my partner present, and ended 27 hours later with a face presentation birth, my son was totally stuck, and it was only realised when I was prepped for a C-section. We are both fine now, but I had a lot of internal stitches and a prolapsed bladder, and needed corrective surgery 5 months later.
Going to the hospital and discussing the birth or our next child (I am 28wks) has given me flashbacks, and anxiety around the birth, as well as a range of feelings about my 'performance' during the my son's birth. I feel like I let him down my not managing to push him out, I feel guilty that I did not realise something was wrong, and that my son was struggling. After the awful birth I shut it all out and concentrated on just getting better and being a mum, but with every visits to the hospital regarding my current pregnancy, I am getting more emotional about the last birth.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings of somehow failing to do what nature intended? I am normally a totally confident independent person, so I am finding it difficult to understand why I feel like a failure in this respect.

Wish I'd known about this site 8 years ago! It's staggering how many women have had traumatic births (i did too and it took me years to get over it both mentally and physically with little help from the hospital/doctors etc...). You are not the failure. In the past women had more support during all stages of their pregnancy, child birth and rearing years. Women supported each other in close knitted families and communities. Midwives were able to give more time to support you. We don't have that as much now and I think this is why even if we are independent and strong before hand, we feel like failures if we go through such a hard time and find it difficult to cope on our own afterwards because we have an image in our minds of what we 'should' be like. That image is outdated for many of us.

Take heart from the feedback here as I have, even 8 years later!

hayton, don't know if anyone has suggested this, but all hospitals should have someone on board to help talk through what happened with you looking at your notes. I did this and it really helped me to realise that I wasn't at fault for not managing to push him out (had a section like you). It was strangely cathartic to go through it all again in medical terms rather than your memories which will not be objective or even perhaps truthful?
If you come to terms about what happened last time, you'll probably feel much less anxious about the birth to come and have more faith in yourself whatever happens.
BTW, I had a perfectly normal 2nd birth with no help/drugs whatsoever and it was wonderful, but I did prepare myself for another section which v.nearly happened. I think part of the first birth is that you're not expecting things to go wrong are you? The more prepared you are for anything, the better you can deal with it (imho of course!). Hope you find some answers

I had a very traumatic first birth with ended in a loss and even though I'm now pregnant with my third child the first experience still haunts me. I had CBT during my last pregnancy and ended up needing support again this time around as I had so much anxiety about being in hospital and losing control over the situation.

I spoke to my GP who got in touch with the midwives at my hospital, and also called them up myself. They were very sympathetic and referred me to for therapy. Turns out the hospital has its very own psychoanalytic psychotherapist who specialises in traumatic births. I've had a few sessions with her now and while it's hard work to talk about what happened it is helping enormously. I hadn't realised how angry I was with the first hospital and the doctors who handled my situation so insensitively the first time, and it felt like such a relief to recognise that instead of just feeling sad about it.

I'm having a c-section this time as I feel more in control that way - it's not for everybody but for me it feels very right not to have to go down the other route again as I'd get so stressed about it.

You are obviously traumatised by your last experience, which is completely natural. I'm sure you'd benefit from having some counselling, preferably with an experienced therapist. Talk to your GP and/or midwife about your feelings and ask for a referral. If they are not sympathetic, try another GP/midwife until someone listens to you - that's the best way you can get what you need from the health service IME.

Oh Coco

good luck and hope your cs birth is lovely.

Hiya Lotster - hope all good with you and your little ones

CocoK - hope all goes smoothly with your planned csec.

Hello,
Had a traumatic birth first time round, 3 days in labour, failure to progress in a midwife-run unit, i was transferred by ambulance to a different hospital, where i then had pethidine (which i didn't think i would but was just so tired 3 nights with no sleep), he got stuck and cs was threatened, managed vaginal delivery with 3rd degree tears, then had retained placenta (with several different peeople putting their hands up there to try and get it.. ouch) so had surgery for that (but had to wait 2 hours to get into theatre, and felt i missed bonding time with baby), and back in 6 months later for corrective surgery as i was stitched up incorrectly. The worse part by far was the lengthy labour, not knowing how long it was going to go on..(sorry rambling on)
I'm usually confident and quick to get over any knock back, but this really shook me up... i spoke to the doctor and was referred to a councillor, but when i went along, she was a 'sex' councillor.. she tried to help, but i really needed to speak to someone who understood what i had been through and why. (there was so many things that happened that i just did not understand - for eg, 45 mins pressing the emergency buzzuer, with no midwife coming and when she did, saying, oh yes, you're 8 cms now and can push if you want?). Anyway, i didn't see any point in going back to her.. so to 'self help', i got a copy of my birth notes and read through them .. the first couple of times, i cried and sobbed.. but every time i read through them, it got easier somehow - so i guess i'm saying, this might help you?
(hang on, there is a happy ending)
I finally decided that the only way to get over what happened and this horrendous experience, was to get on and have another, I knew i wanted more than 1 and i didn't want to be worrying about giving birth for another few years. So when my DS was 9 months, i fell pregnant again, and when i went to midwife (who had previously said she didn't provide a councilling service or wouldn't go through notes with me).. i expressed my concerns, and she said i should have a cs because of tears that still hadn't repaired...
I had an elective cs - and it was THE BEST decision i have ever made. I enjoyed the pregnancy, knowing i didn't have to go through the trauma again, and it was such a better experience, totally controlled and relaxing. I had DD, she is now 1 year old.
So maybe consider annother CS? If not try reading through your notes and understanding them..?
Sorry to ramble on... think this is the first time i've actually written about it.. its still raw and don't think i will ever get over those 3 days of my life.
Good Luck xx

Hi, you might find this site useful: safebirth.org/ it also has some links to other birth trauma support sites.

I too had a difficult 1st birth six years ago which was highly medicalised (induction without pain relief initially then epidural, IV drip, fetal scalp monitor, ventouse then forceps with episiotomy, and catheter so I could wee). I felt pinned to the bed by all these things and felt quite scared at times. I was sad that birth was 'done to me' and didn't feel like I had given birth myself at all.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant and considering a home birth so I have control over my environment and can labour in safe, comfortable surroundings even if I end up having to go into hospital.

My friend, who has had some amazing home births, has recommended the book 'Birthing From Within' which she said was the most useful thing she read for having a good birth experience.

I'm planning to do a hypnobirthing course, the Mongan method, to help me feel relaxed no matter what the outcome of my next birth experience.

You may also find some hypnotherapy and/or counselling to help you overcome the trauma from your previous experience could help you.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Hi Hayton,

Like you I had a VERY AWFUL birth experience with my first child 4 years ago. I won't go into details here I just had a my second baby a few months ago and it was a completely difference experience... I was overdue about to have a c section when everything developed naturally and in 2 hours he was born.

I tried to really understand what went wrong, went over it a million times and frankly time is a great healer. I would urge to REALLY REALLY REALLY TRY TO STAY POSITIVE that you are going to have a very good experience.

My second birth has left me elated, overjoyed, able to breastfeed and I feel empowered by the fact that I did not panic myself over it.

Please put your fears aside as it might not happen and you are wasting fabby energy!

All the best!!!!xxxx

Hi hayton
I had quite a traumatic birth with my ds1. He was shoulder dystocia, cut and manouvered free but not breathing so spent a while in scbu. Looking back I never really dealt with the emotion as like you said, as a new mum you pretty much have to get on with it. Also I think it was never about me and all about baby and if baby was fine then I was deemed to be fine iyswim.
When I became pregnant with ds2 I went to the hospital for my booking in and walking into the building had a complete panic attack. I started shaking and crying and for about a week was a wreck as all the emotion that didn't come out after ds1's birth surfaced (I am sure pregnancy hormones played a role too ).
I was told I had to have a c section with ds2 which then resulted in months of nightmares as I was terrified of having my stomach cut open.
Good news is ds2 arrived of his own accord, 3 weeks early, quickly and safely.
However I am now ttc no3 and ds1s birth still plays on my mind and I know I will have to go through a lot of the birth decicion making process again.
Sorry waffle and no idea if it helps. A friend also saw a councillor after her c section and she said that really helped her.

Hi Hayton,
you sound just like me talking a few months ago, almost 4 yrs ago add1 got stuck and had increasing distress til heart stopped then had emergency c section and she whipped out 8 mins later.we are very lucky thatshe healthy and no probs. it took me 3 yrs to be able to cope with another pregnancy as i too had serious feelings of having failed.on the whole i am ahappy go lucky person, not much fazes me but if even a stranger casually asked about dds birth they wd get the full story ad i wd be tearful. i was very tearful on all my hosp visits. i decided on vbac and was really worried how i wd cope if it all went wrong again. a couple of things stand out, some one on mumsnet once wrote, did you go into hosp to have a baby or a good birth and also reading my delivery notes fully and slowly 4 wks before dd2 born.also a friend with similar experience said that 2nd birth was totally separate experience to first and she didnt carry the baggage over.dd2 arrived 2 wks early and by the time i was examined by a dr i was already 6cm dilated so didnt have an epidural and delivered her with gas and air only.iwasnt as wildly elated as i imagined with dd2 appearing from the right hole!but felt and do feel quietly satisfied and the demonshave been laid to rest, its a gd feeling and i feel less of a basket case.think the main reason for all of this was my amazing midwife who was actually just qualified but quietly confident. i now think i wd also be fine if had had planned section as it wasnt the birth process but a moving on mentally.
good good luck hayton, i think i know how you feel and it feels so deeply sad and hard to get over but i promise being on this side of 2nd birth is such a relief and i can contemplate a 3rd now.my dd2 14 wks old now and it is so amazing to see the sibling bond with dd1.thinking of you x

Muffinmum a lovely post.
Good luck hayton and let us know how things go.

Hi - I have just spent ages writing a very waffly post and lost it somehow - probably a good thing in hindsight. Just wanted to say that I too had a difficult first birth with DS, (failed induction leading to emergency section, he was also back to back) and couldn't help feeling as if I could have avoided it and that I should have done something differently. I spent the first months of my second pregnancy obsessing over the birth. What helped was a very patient and supportive midwife who went through my notes from DS's birth with me and talked me through all my options, and then taking some control (even if it was only in my mind!) by
writing down what was important to me second time round (I wrote myself a vbac birthplan and a c-section birth plan), pregnancy yoga (helped me focus on the baby rather than the birth and learn some good relaxation techniques) and doing what I could to try and make sure the baby was in a good position, practising breathing techniques etc.

anyway like prettybetty I had a great second birth. I was all pysched up to have an elective section at 42 weeks but DD had other ideas and came of her own accord at only 2 days overdue. Spent first few hours at home in the bath, went into hospital when waters broke and she was born less than 2 hours later. I was home with her 12 hours after my waters went, on a total high.

All this has also turned into a bit of a rambly post! Just wanted to say you are not alone and to try and stay positive. My midwife said to me that no two births are the same and that just because things went one way once it didn't meant they would again and she was right. Good luck x

This post really stuck a cord with me.

I was induced after pre-eclampsia with no pain relief. Stuck baby at the second stage and forceps delivery. It was a horrifying experience.

I suffered nightmares and flashbacks for months, which got better, but a recent pregnancy and visit to the hospital brought back all the trauma.

I don't think I can ever have another, the pregnancy and birth were traumatic, then he screamed non stop for 6 weeks! And was a grisly non sleeping baby for a lot longer. Now he is lovely!

I am trying counselling, it helps to address some of the issues.

I felt let down by my body,as I had always took care of myself. Sometimes life doesn't go to plan.

I think that it is partly a question of what you feel you could cope with. my first 2 births were ok, the third went pear-shaped with shoulder dysocia and stuff ( wont go into the detail!-i dont think it would help). I wont have anymore but my consultant- who i trust told me that if i had another i should have a caesarian. If i fell again i know that this is exactly what i would do- for a start dh couldn't cope with the thougt of going through all that again.

a friend who had 2 traumatic births had an elective and thought it was the best decision she had ever made!

By all means find some help in dealing with these issues but if having a csection would mean that you can enjoy the rest of the pregnancy, go with it

best of luck

Allinoz, I could have written your post. I went on to have a second child but in a home birth. Wild horses would not drag me back to a hospital for labour. the water birth was extremely good and it helped to heal some of the mental wounds which i didn't realise I still had over 3 yrs later.

I have just been reading this thread since it started and I find it amazing how many women feel like they failed their children because of their traumatic births.

It is so clearly not your fault. If blame is to be placed anywhere it is with the people providing the care for not recognising what help you actually needed during and after the event.

I hope that you manage to get the support that you need OP.

evilednastwinsister - my god, what a terrible story, I am in tears after reading your post.

Thank you for all your advice, and support. Reading all your stories of loss, courage and trying again has had me in tears. But I have also taken so many posotive things from all your experiences.
I have my notes in a big sealed envelope (they have been hidden unopened in a draw for 3 years) I have them out, but haven't read yet, I'm building up to it, as so many of you have found it useful. Hope to be able to talk through them with a midwife, as many of you have suggested.
I am also seeking counciling through my GP, and will hear on friday what they can offer me. (If no joy, I will be trying all the websites / hypnotherapy and books suggested on various posts)
It's interesting reading how many of you have felt guilt or faliure, and when I read about your stories, I feel only sympathy, and that you should carry no blame, I just need to learn to transfer those feelings, and be less judgmental with myself.
I will be having a C-sec this time round, as have too much internal scar tissue, as although preped for a C-sec last time, DS was actually delivered by high forceps in the end as was stuck so far down. So no more vaginal births allowed due to scaring. I now see this as a positive, the being in control, the new and different experience many of you have mentioned is what I'm now hoping for.
I hope to get to a place before the big day (C-sec planned for 19th March) where I can go into the hospital without feeling paniced and tearful, and feel that with all the support and suggestions I might just do it! Thank you to you all, knowing you are all out there, and that I'm not alone in my feelings has been a real breakthrough for me, and allowed me to talk about my feelings openly with DH after 3 years of just ignoring them! - I have to stop waffeling on now as need to check what is happening with Stellamel!

The thing is Aligrylls, it compounds the trauma when women believe their bodies have failed them. It is very often down to medical intervention and many times compounded by lack of support from medical staff that women have experienced such trauma. It certainly was in my case and in my search for a peace of mind and reconciliation to put the ghosts at rest, I just became angrier and distraught about the sheer negligence that led to my dire situation in labour and the weeks after. DD1 & I had a very traumatic 8 day stay in hospital after a shit time in labour and a day in the HDU. I would not wish those circumstances on anyone alive.

Then there are the meaningless platitudes that followed. like: well at least both of you are alive and well. When inside you can hear yourself screaming: But I am not well! I am in fucking pain!...

Hi Hayton - no great words of advice I'm afraid except to say how sorry I am that your first brith was so difficult. Just wanted to invite you over to the Due in March thread (I assume you are since I'm also 28 weeks) if you want any day to day tea and sympathy. We're over here if you're interested. RKD

Foxytocin, I don't think I am disagreeing with what you are saying at all.

I can only really understand this thread from a sympathetic viewpoint because although I did have a difficult time in labour it was by no means traumatic. I definitely did not feel like my body had failed me although I did blame the medical establishment for the fact it was as painful as it was.

I just felt it was sad that Hayton and other people on this thread feel like their bodies have failed them when they should not feel that it is their fault.

I can also sympathise with how wearing that "oh but the main thing is that you have a healthy baby" is. I found it a bit wearing when I came home from hospital and felt like asking people if they would fancy an induced labour with no pain relief except G&A for 7 hours.

Maybe it would help to see birth as not only the birth of the baby but also the birth of someone new who was formerly you? Birth changes everyone. The way it happens to you, the mother, can affect you profoundly.

This is just a half baked thought...

I didn't think you were disagreeing with me Aligrylls. I was trying ot expand the discussion. Hoping that by doing so I can inspire others to look at what happened to them through different lenses.

I feel lucky that I have never felt like my body let me down and I confess that I can't understand why women feel this way. I accept that they do but the how and why I can't comprehend. It is not a part of my psyche. I just knew that things went really wrong and I felt that I had to get to the bottom of why it did to find some peace. I too ordered my labour notes and left it untouched for a year before I dared to open them. It was so coldly written and did not reflect any of the trauma I endured. However, it couldn't because the majority of what I endured has been mental scarring. When I did finally after 2 more years get hold of my post-natal notes, it was a remarkable piece of fiction which bore no resemblance to my experience. A fact that further angered me with the system.

I just hope that the women on this thread search for answers till they find some peace because that peace is there. It just takes, in my experience, banging on a lot of shut doors looking for the right one and a lot of reading and talking to people.

You feel ... the way you feel -- you can't stop feeling that way because it's not rational or because you ended up going home with what you went to the hospital for. Maybe seeing the trauma as part of an ongoing growth experience might help to recast it in a different light?

Not much to add here, had a pretty shit time too but came out reasonably unscathed, I think in great part due to the hypnobirthing course I did. Helped me just about keep it together during which I think made it feel less traumatic aferwards IYSWIM.
Hypnobirthing might be irrelevant due to planned CS but I would highly recommend hypnotherapy- I had a course when DS was about 7mo for PND related anxiety. Really helped me move on.
Best of luck.