feeling guilty / failure after traumatic birth

[hayton]

I am pregnant with my second child, and have started to have a great deal of anxiety, that stems from the birth of my first child 3 years ago. I was induced, and then the induction was stopped due to a lack of beds, it was then started again without my partner present, and ended 27 hours later with a face presentation birth, my son was totally stuck, and it was only realised when I was prepped for a C-section. We are both fine now, but I had a lot of internal stitches and a prolapsed bladder, and needed corrective surgery 5 months later.
Going to the hospital and discussing the birth or our next child (I am 28wks) has given me flashbacks, and anxiety around the birth, as well as a range of feelings about my 'performance' during the my son's birth. I feel like I let him down my not managing to push him out, I feel guilty that I did not realise something was wrong, and that my son was struggling. After the awful birth I shut it all out and concentrated on just getting better and being a mum, but with every visits to the hospital regarding my current pregnancy, I am getting more emotional about the last birth.
Has anyone else experienced these feelings of somehow failing to do what nature intended? I am normally a totally confident independent person, so I am finding it difficult to understand why I feel like a failure in this respect.

You poor thing, sounds like you really went through it. I have no experience of the kind of birth you had but just wanted to mention hypnobirthing. I'm not a lentil weavery type person at all but was quite nervous before my first birth (I'm fairly small but was measuring large and both myself and DH were big babies, I was 10lbs 13oz ). I found it really helped with my anxiety both pre and during birth.
I did the Marie Mongon method through Lazy Daisy Birthing (based in Suffolk)but I'm sure there are loads of others.
As it happened DS was a month early and only 6lb 8oz so my fears were unfounded!

Hope someone else is along to give you some more advice.

Hi, my son was also a face forward presentation and after 36 hours of labour, 2 hours of pushing they realised & I was taken to theatre for a spinal. They tried to turn him with high forceps & that failed so I had an emergency section.

We did not fail hayton. We are fit and well and so are our babies. These things just happen but yes, I did wonder what I'd done 'wrong' but like you, I just concentrated on the fact we were both alive and well. It sounds dramatic but that's what it felt like at the time. We're now ttc number 2 and I swing between wanting to go for the waterbirth I'd wanted ( I was evacuated from the pool as there was a fire but that's a whole other story...) or straight for a planned section.

I just wanted to show you you're absolutely not the only one to worry. All I can add is that every birth is unique and there's no reason you will go through the same again.

Lots of love & luck xxx

You mustn't blame yourself for how the birth went. What was important was that all was well in the end and you had a healthy child. How the birth process goes turns out to be a matter of pot luck in the end.

Hi I to had a very traumatic first birth,and like you am suffering so much anxiety and upset and very tough decisions to make, my birth was different to yours my dd was breech and prem and I was convinced by the docs to have a vaginal delivery which was the wrong decision, she got very stuck and we both suffered problems for many years, she is now 9 and pretty healthy and I am 35 weeks pregnant with my 2nd, I am so scared, I've had conversations with my midwife, my specialist, my husband, my family and I still don't have a clue what to do so I can totally sympathise with you, if you just want someone to bounce ideas off I'm happy to listen I know how hard this can be.
Good luck xx

hayton: Is it possible to change to another hospital?

It sounds like you have a bit of post traumatic stress disorder or something. Maybe it would help to realise that your feelings came from a traumatic event, rather than your ability to give birth easily..?

I had an crash section after induction went a bit awry, and did not realise until much later how much the traumatic birth experience affected me. Thankfully both I and DS were fine and had no lasting trauma from the CS but I was grateful that he was my second child as I don't know if I would have wanted another.

After reading a bit here on MN, I have come to the conclusion that women who suffer a traumatic birth should automatically be referred for counselling to talk over the issues that they have.

Do you have a midwife/gp/gynae who you could have a chat with, tell them about your fears and ask about a referral?

Thank you all for your words of advice / wisdom. It's the first time I have used a site like this, and has been such a positive experience knowing there are people out there with similar experiences, or sound advice - THANK YOU!

I am sure I have seen a thread on MN, a chat thread for sufferers of traumatic births, have a look and see if you can find them.

Hi Hayton, it is so good to hear you talk about these things, so many women can identify with what you are experiencing right now. I am a hypnotherapist and hypnobirthing practitioner and we get many women on our courses who have had a similar experience to you for their first baby.
I just wanted to let you know that there is help out there and you can let go of the guilt and anxiety for this birth.
The important thing is that you have identified what needs to be let go of before the birth of this baby.
If you would like to talk more than please feel free to contact me on [email protected]
I would love to help you in some small way.
Sending you love and ligth

Hi hayton, dont know if youve seen any of my recent posts but I feel your pain, honestly I do.

Having just gone through the most horrendous time of my life, I cant imagine how I would feel if I was pg again like you are.
Do they have advanced midwifery practitioners at your hospital? The ones at mine have been a godsend and without them I think I would have just descended into hell at times . I am still seeing one of them for dressings, but am going back for a de-briefing at some point with the other one. Maybe you could do something like that, going through your notes, discussingf your worries, these practitioners have the time (which docs often do not) and the knowledge to help you through this.

Please try and enjoy your pregnancy and remember that no two births are ever the same and Im testament to that

i had a difficult first birth. like you, put it behind me and got on with stuff, until my antenatal appointments second time around. then became progressively weepy just on entry to hospital or with any contact with doctors or midwives. it got worse adn worse. i mentioned it to the midwife who referred me for hynotherapy. i only got a couple of sessions as the hypnotherepaist often didnt' turn up and then i was induced early again.
i did go for a different hospital, which helped quite a bit. as i just felt like screaming on entry to the hospital where it had all happened last time.
i can't say it really resolved but i did put it on my birth plan (this was easy because it was a different hospital) and i think the midwives were a bit nicer to me. so you could try that.
on the whole it was better second time around, it won't be the same for you either. perhaps visualise things going right? this seemed to help me calm down in those appointments.

the sessions of hynotherapy did help a bit though. i'd try that or counselling if you can.
DH was so stressed i didn't think he'd be in the same room as a midwife ever again after what happened the first time. i had to tell him to put that behind him too or he wouldn't have been at DD's birth. it's easier said than done though.

Hello Hayton, well done for braving a second pregnancy, it must have been scary for you!

I think I can understand a little where you're coming from as I had a traumatic first birth (also OP/face and it took failed ventouse, turning by hand and finally forceps to bring my battered little boy in to the world), a lot of trauma requiring surgery twice to repair me etc and it took over my life and my sanity for a year or so. I feel for you.

I was terrified when I knew I was pregnant again, but after a necessary planned CS I can honestly say it was a totally healing and cathartic experience. I literally found myself on day 2 feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me and sat beaming like a loon, despite very little sleep in the hospital, sore nips, CS surgery etc., I hope and feel you will find this too.

BTW, your first birth was utterly successful because you worked hard at it, lived through it and took home a live and healthy baby. One can feel that women are born to birth and it's so normal and natural that we should know how to do it etc., but when babies get stuck as ours did, it used to be totally normal and natural for mother or baby to lose their life.
You did brilliantly to be a good mum after that experience and you'll do it again. Should you want links to support threads or archived ones so you know you're not alone in feeling this way let me know.

Hi

I had a horrible first birth too - severe pre eclampsia, induced at 36 weeks, very medical, forceps , lots of stitches and a massive pph needing a blood transfusion. I put it out my mind and got on with getting pregnant again, I miscarried and then got pregnant again to then have the same feelings of anxiousness that you are having thoughout the second pregnancy. I have an underlying medical condition so they kept a really close eye on me which helped and I also spoke to everyone about it. The consultant was a bit dismissive but I found her comments useful as she said the only thing I can guarantee is that this time will be different. I had a few hospital stays towards the end of 2nd pregnancy and I ended up with an emergency section at 37 weeks - not what I really wanted but I felt if I got through the first birth anything would be better. It was actually my best 'birth'. I have since had baby number 3 and that ended with emergency section at 34 weeks and was perhaps the most medically complex however I don't have the same anxiety this time - perhaps because it is the third time and a first birth is such a new and scary experience anyway that any scary complications and difficulties are going to seem much worse.

hayton I would agree with all the feedback you have received so far. Your labour experience was traumatic and I really believe you will need to deal with that before you go into your second labour in order to give you and your baby the best chance of having a more positive experience. I would recommend hiring a doula (if funds permit)who has some training/experience in dealing with this issue. A doula should be able to help you properly "debrief" from your previous labour experience(which will involve no amount of "shutting out"!),teach relaxation and coping strategies, and be present for you during the birth of your baby. Your guilt is inappropriate - you are not to blame. I wish you all the best.

Hayton- I have just started a thread in a similar vein without realising yours was here! I am also pretty scared after DS's birth, and am worrying about how I'll cope with my next birth, (hospital flashbacks etc sound very familiar!!) but the one thing I can say is that with the benefit of hindsight I don't feel like a failiure. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control (my DS was in a funny position and was totally stuck), and in the end our babies were born healthy and gorgeous. I'm sure we both did everything that was possible before intervention.
I'm sure we'll both have healthy, gorgeous babies again this time
x

hayton, in case you haven't found it, there is something called the birth trauma association.

I had a difficult first birth (long labour, DD in distress tangled in her cord and emergency section) and much better second birth. No credit or blame for either. It really helped me when a doctor reminded me that birth is (more or less) an involuntary bodily process - you don't decide to have contractions or how you have them - so not something you really "perform".

Wish you all the very best.

Hi Hayton, just to let you know I too have felt like a failure and have felt terrific guilt just as you described. My son died during my labour with him (he was strangled by the umbilical cord) and I have to say I was terrified that the same thing would happen again, the following year I got pregnant with twins and had them by caesarean at the same hospital - somehow it helped that they were aware of the history - anyways they are both now fit and healthy.

I wish you lots of luck xx

Hayton - I had a traumatic first birth (induction) and suffered a lot of guilt as a result and a really smooth and trouble free second birth last February. I think you learn so much from your first birth experience you're better prepared for your second. I did hypnobirthing to put the ghosts of first birth to rest and I cant recommend it highly enough. I also had a doula to help with the second birth if need be - however in the end she didnt have to do anything as it was quick and smooth. Good luck.

hayton, I had a traumatic birth last year, apart from the cs (forceps), I could have written your op.

I am having counselling now which is helping a great deal, a gynae I saw recently recommended I meet with the obstetrician who delivered. I know others find this useful but the thought of it is too much for me.

I would also recommend calling someone from Birth Crisis. I haven't called yet, I know I'll get upset and I'm not ready for that. My guilt & upset stems from not feeling like I did the best for dd. She was back-to-back - could I have prevented that? Then maybe dd would have avoided the trauma of being pulled out by her head and the big bruises on her face? I had an "ideal" birth in mind and it didn't happen. For example, I swore I'd avoid pethidine because it makes the baby sleepy but when I practically begged for it in the end. I see that as me putting myself before my unborn-dd and it upsets me so much. It was the start of the intervention which led to her traumatic delivery and me being ill for months (corrective surgery etc). Yet I don't judge any of my friend or family for choosing pain relief - just me.

I am reading this too. It's by Sheila Kitzinger and has really helped so far. I feel as though it's been written just for me! I cry reading it but it's helped me to understand why I feel the way I do and also to be able to explain it to dh. I just read bits out to him. My copy is borrowed from a friend but I will be buying my own copy.

I hope thats helped, sorry for so much waffle. I'll check back to this thread later but I hope you find something that helps.

Hiya Dinky

Hi Hayton, So sorry to hear about everything you went through. I understand completely how you feel. I had a traumatic birth with my DS 2 years ago and when I found out I was pregnant earlier this year I was similar to you- very panicky and tearful, with flashbacks etc. I went to my GP and got referred to a counsellor which did help. But I also did a hypnobirthing course which I found immensely useful. I am due to give birth any day now and am actually looking forward to it, and that is something I never thought I'd say. Basically, my advice is try anything and everything to work through these feelings asap. It is a long tough journey, but worth it. Good luck xx

Hi hayton, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant and also suffered from a difficult first birth. I too felt immense guilt following DS's birth and that I had failed as a woman when I was unable to push him out with help. He was venteuse in the end after 2.5 hours pushing. I received a lot of support on here when I posted about my feelings and realised that I wasn't alone and also that I wasn't the failure that I thought I was and certainly neither are you. I am also struggling with hospital visits as I have suffered 2 miscarriages since having ds 1 and the hospital carries so many negative memories for me. I am now seriously considering a home birth this time round as I tense up every time I enter the car park and dread having to return each time. Not much help sorry, but just wanted you to know that you are definately not alone in your feelings and to wish you all the best x