Please help me convince dh that having a doula is a good idea?

[saltyseadog]

I'm expecting dc2 in March. Whilst my first labour was fine - 13 hours, minor tear, gas and air (& pethidine) - there were definitely aspects of it that could have been better. I remember begging my mw not to leave me to go and check on another woman for example. I also lost quite a bit of blood and was rather scared taking a shower straight afterwards on my own as I felt distinctly light headed. Pathetic I know.
Finally, dd was born profoundly disabled (although we didn't know this at her birth), and whilst there is nothing that will change the outcome for dc2 I am going into this labour with more anxiety than I did last time around.

So - this time around I'd really like to have the support of a doula. The stumbling block is dh, he is concerned that he will become a spare part during the labour.

Please can you tell me about your good doula experiences, or if you are a doula how much better it would be if you were at my next birth ? Then I can show dh the thread and hopefully convince him that it is a good idea.

oh how i wish i'd have had a doula at my birth. it would have saved dh from having to try to work out what was happening and freed him up to support me. as it was we were both confused and scared (i had a rather unpleasant induction ending in cs).

thing is, you won't know the doula like you do your dh, so you can have someone useful and friendly on hand while he can use his very intimate (ahem) knowledge of you to support you.

argh, i don't get this with men. I am sure your DH has his concerns, and thosde are valid. but at the end of the day YOU are the one that matters. It's YOU doing this and YOU need to be comfortable, even if that means he does feel like a spare part quite frankly!

anyway, rant over, even if you have a doula there that doesn't mean that there won't be plenty for him to do. brow-mopping, hand-holding, making tea, calling people, doing whatever you want him to do.

it doesn't change the birth or his part in it, it just measn you have an extra person there on your side with that extra knowledge of the process and who can help you have the labour and birth you want and need.

i haven't had a doula myself, but a few friends of mine had similar experiences with husbands feeling like they'd be left out and I can assure you that all of them ended up glad the doula was there!

I had doula for DC2. First birth was fine, fairly uneventful, and my mum was there in a sort of doula role. Second time round my mum was looking after DS and I wanted to make sure that I had full complement of people to call on if I needed it.

I've jsut asked DH whether he felt like a 'spare part'. He says no, and says that the good thing about a doula is that they are not emotionally involved in the same way as a family member would be. They are on your side and will do what you want them to do (and that might include not being at the birth if you decide at the last minute that you don't want them there - something it's a bit more tricky to tell your own mother/sister etc).

I had a doula, and she was wonderful. She pitched out in the middle of the night during a storm when I was in premature labour, and then didn't leave my side until DS was born and I'd delivered the placenta. And then only to make me some tea.

Where DH had his own anxieties to deal with, she was totally focussed on me, and so rubbing my back for 4 hours (where DH would have got fed up after 4 minutes), sorting out hot compresses etc, and generally advocating for me to try and get me the best birth I could have in the circs. And it was really nice after the birth, when DS had been whisked off that she stayed with me, ran my bath, got me into it, got me out and then took me to SCBU.

Having a doula meant that DH could be the support he wanted to be. When he needed to take a break (it was all a bit intense as he only came back to the hospital when I was 6cm and in real labour after going home when my waters had gone but I wasn't in labour) he could. If I just wanted my hand held, he did that, but wasn't pressured into having to be the one to do everything. He thinks it was a totally positive choice

This is brilliant - please keep them coming. I have a feeling that it'll be the best ££ I have spent in past year. After all, I'm hardly living the high life at present so money I spend on me is minimal.

I think my doula saved my ds1's life. The short version - Labored for 36 hours, mw kept saying "Only a couple hours more". I was losing a LOT of blood. Finally got a bit hysterical and doula got with MW and demanded a second opinion. Turns out ds1 had been frank breech the whole time Had emergency section and the surgeon noted that there was meconium but ds1 had not gotten any in his lungs so it must have just happened. Not sure how things would have gone if we had waited 2 more hours as was originally planned.

She was also absolutely wonderful during the very long labor preceding!

I had female friends as well as dp at both of my births. They were invaluable imo. DPs can get very overwhelmed on one hand, and even bored on the other. Having that extra person there (and both times they were friends who had given birth themselves) helped no end, emotionally and practically. If DP had to step out for a rest or a drink, there was still someone there to hold my hand and rub my back. I think dp actually took the lead from my friends rather than feeling like a spare part. If youcan' find an actual doula, do consider askign one of your friends. Both of mine were honoured, and I love knowing that they were there to see my dc be born Not to mention, it was someone who could take the first pic of us all as a family, and help me in the shower while dp called everyone

Hi - I have just recently booked a Doula (1st birth) as I really wanted someone there to support both me and DH and it has already been so worth it as they have recommended a couple of things that have changed the care I am actually getting from the midwifes.

I think if your instinct is that you want one, then you need to ask your DP to support that.

That said, I made my DH shortlist Doulas with me (from the Doula site) and then we spoke to/met a couple together before we made the decision of which one to go with.

It was very important to me that DP liked the Doula we would go with as much as I did, and that the Doula could have a good relationship with us both (fingers crossed!).

This seemed to work wonders with my DH as he felt he had as much 'authorship' over the choice of Doula as me... I really liked seeing him asking questions and starting to build his own relationship with her.

I hope you find someone good who will work for you both.

Hi there - I have booked a doula for my first birth exactly so DH wont feel like a spare part and will have some guidance on what to do for the best.
He is unlikely to be the best person in a birth related crisis as he will panic as much as me so it will be important to have someone there who can provide continuity and support and quite frankly tell DH what to do!
FWIW I think a doula will be invaluable for you expecially given the extra anxiety surrounding the birth this time.
Just speak to lots of doulas (if you live in an area that has lots of them!)and involve your DH in the selection process as Lucy101 said so that he feels involved from the start.

PS hope your DD is doing well

Thanks all - this is perfect ammo reasoning for why we need a doula. I will phone the lady I have at the top of my list today.

Jabberwocky - so pleased to hear what a star your doula was.

Angfirsttimer - dd is doing really well thanks, she's now grown into a very healthy, robust, sparky 5 year old. She's a little madam though so I will certainly have my hands full come March .

it would be helpful for you and your DH to meet the doula/s and then you cna ask her all the questions and he can address the issue of being left out.

a doula will support both of you, but you are the focus, but will also encourage the dad to take part as much or as little, for a lot of dads IME< knowing htere is someoen else there, who is experienced and calm, makes them feel better, especially as they know their partner won't be alone while they pop out to the loo or for a coffee.

a doula can also look after you post birth, getting you to the bath, whilst your partner can hold the baby etc

i think the best way for him to get over his fears is to meet and speak to a doula

Didnt have a doula for DS1 - birth was a nightmare and took me a while to get over it - and DH was equally upset by it all.

Second time round, we realised we needed someone we knew and who supported our decisions in the birthing room with us to make sure our wishes were heard and respected. So - in addition to doing a hypnobirthing course to help me let go of my issues with DS1's birth (which I really cant recommend highly enough) - we employed a doula we knew (she was my postnatal doula with DS1) and it really helped so much having her on the end of the phone as and when I needed her. DS2's birth was a dream - week early, 4 hours from waters breaking to him arriving (contractions only kicked in an hour after waters breaking, doula arrived an hour later) and a water birth. Just knowing our doula was there gave me the reassurance I needed to be able to focus on DS2's birth and DH was totally involved in the birth - our doula just did all the dealing with the midwives behind the scenes to ensure we got the birth we wanted.

I think that birth is not the time for any man to be prioritising his own feelings over those of the woman in labour. You are the important one here and if you can afford the doula and it would help you, it's really not his decision to make.

I had my dd 3 yrs ago at home in a pool with doula, midwife and dh present. I did alot on my own through labour and that was how I wanted it to be, dh appreciated that before the event. I booked midwife and doula at 36 weks as dh didnt want a home birth until I managed to convince him it was right for me. I booked midwife for me, and doula fo him! I didn't want him fainting on me and distracting me at the crucial moment! It worked very very well. He was informed all the way through and sat chatting happily with our fabulous doula (now a great friend) while I got on with the important stuff. I would do everything exactly the same again and hope to be blessed enough to have a similar outcome. Please yourself and your soon-to-be-born child first, you are the only two people 'involved' in the actual process of the birth and therefore the nost imporatnat people in the room!

I wonder whether your DH (fragile egos that our men have, bless em!) is partly feeling rejected? If so it might help to reassure him that your reasons for needing a doula are because you now have experience of childbirth and know so much more than you knew before. He sounds like he was probably a brilliant support (as much as a man can be) with your first birth, but there's so much stuff that men (and women) simply cannot know without the experience of having given birth.

My dh was an exceptional birth partner, but now I know stuff like the reasons why I ended up with a bad tear, etc etc, I feel it's vital for me to have female support as well as him with baby no 2.

Reassure him that his role is still essential, perhaps try to detail what it is that you want a doula to do and what it is that you want him to do, so that he knows he is still an important part of your birth.

Also (don't tell him this yet - it's for you to think about) if you think your relationship might have changed since having your first baby, it's possible that you might feel ever so slightly distant from him now compared with your first birth. One of my friends is in this position at the moment. If this is the case, perhaps he's subconsciously picking up on this and translating your choice for a doula into rejection of him. I would suggest that you both try to work through whatever small/ large issues have arisen between you since having your first child, but make this an entirely separate thing from the doula/ birth issue. Once you both have more confidence in each other you'll hopefully be able to work together to create the best birth setting for you.

Good luck!

Thanks everyone. Just going to phone doula now - will report back.

Only read OP.

Don't try to convince your DH. Just interview a couple of doulas with him and tip them off that your DH isn't sure.

At the end of the day, YOU will prolly want a doula that your DH is comfortable with.

If he is like mine, after having met a couple he'll be insisting.

I have arranged to meet doula with dh on Thurs lunchtime, so fingers crossed.

Good luck, salty. I really hope it goes well. I was going to ask a friend to be my female birthing partner, but then I realised that 2nd births are much faster and my closest female friends all live about 70 miles away...so maybe we'll have to cough up for a doula as well.

means dh can see head being born but you still have someone at your head end to hold your hand, mop brow, cheer you on etc

i didn't have one (the one i wanted was booked up) and dp wishes he'd seen dd being born, but no way was i doing the pushing on my own

plus think would've found reassuring as dp was lovely but was new to him so when he said everything was alright at various points i didn't really believe him

and stuff like i really wanted water but my water bottle was still frozen but really needed him to be there so couldn't have let him go and get any

The more I think about it the more keen I am on the idea to be honest (I just wish I wasn't such a tight arse that also keeps thinking about the ££!).

I think I may have won dh over

I wish wish wish I'd had a doula, especially at the birth of ds2. DS1 was born by em CS (foetal distress) when I was only about 3cm dilated, so I hadn't experienced the later stages of labour. I wanted a VBAC for DS2, and laboured till I was fully dilated, it transpired, once I was in theatre with the spinal block in and too late to push . I wish I'd had someone who knew that I was in transition and who could have slowed things down a bit as I think I could have avoided a 2nd em cs.

Salty - that's brilliant! Tell me, what did you do??? DH is also a bit 'unwilling to spend money' (that's my positive spin!) and tbh I think that will be the basis of most of his objections (though he's never admit it, of course ).

midnight - so for you