Please help me convince dh that having a doula is a good idea?

[saltyseadog]

I'm expecting dc2 in March. Whilst my first labour was fine - 13 hours, minor tear, gas and air (& pethidine) - there were definitely aspects of it that could have been better. I remember begging my mw not to leave me to go and check on another woman for example. I also lost quite a bit of blood and was rather scared taking a shower straight afterwards on my own as I felt distinctly light headed. Pathetic I know.
Finally, dd was born profoundly disabled (although we didn't know this at her birth), and whilst there is nothing that will change the outcome for dc2 I am going into this labour with more anxiety than I did last time around.

So - this time around I'd really like to have the support of a doula. The stumbling block is dh, he is concerned that he will become a spare part during the labour.

Please can you tell me about your good doula experiences, or if you are a doula how much better it would be if you were at my next birth ? Then I can show dh the thread and hopefully convince him that it is a good idea.

Salty - thanks so much for inspiring me with this thread. I've just started researching doulas and have discovered (joy oh joy!) that of course we all qualify for the £190 govt grant after 25 weeks. I shall put that towards the cost of my doula.

MN is so fab for things like this.

Good luck in January, yangy!

Oh, another thing - if you read The Red Tent - a novel, but based on extensive research - you'll see that having supportive, experienced mothers around during birth is the way it was always done. The way we do things nowadays is not the norm. I'm all for having dps around during labour and birth, but not if that means the birthing woman doesn't get the esential support from experienced women as well.

I've booked one - am delighted about it actually - my stress levels went right down after making the decision to have one and meet some. It's a first baby and I just wanted someone there who is experienced and could support both me and DH - the idea of midwifes coming and going and my DH not having a clue just terrified me.

I had one for my second, and think it was worth every cent, and was a key contributory factor in avoiding a second c-section. She helped us stay at home longer than we would have had the nerve to otherwise, worked with the hospital staff on getting me external not internal monitoring, which allowed me more freedom of movement, knew where the hospital kept the extra birthing balls (even the nurse was surprised - " i didn't know we had these there!" ) kept me standing up when it emerged the baby was back-to back and the midwife was muttering about needing another c-section, (was crucisal, the midwife wanted me to lie down at this point, and the baby only turned about 20 min before birth) kept the heat pack on my back for the last three hours of labout in exactly the right spot (no way would dh have done this - it would have been sliding everywhere, as his hands got cramp or he got bored...) and gave me tremendous encouragment and support.

Incidentally my dh was anti the idea to start with, and when I mentioned this to the doala I was thinking of hiring, her take was it doesn't work if the dyanamic isn't right with all parties, and arranged to meet with him one-on-one for coffee, so they could talk through his expectations, what he thought it would mean etc in temrs of his involvement etc. He was a lot more positve after this.

Ours was worth her money.

We had her partly for childcare reasons (so that DH was freed up to support the boys if needed, 2 have asd so can't simply drop with a neighbour) but also so that if I was transferred (HB) I wouldn't have to goalone whilst DH found childcare,oreven tried to get home- worked a good hour away on a good traffic day.

As it was I had Dh there first (was a day off) but the Doula beat the fiorst MW, and helped generally as second MW didn't even make it (little things llike telling MW to turn around when she was gassing with her back to me and baby was crowning).

So yes, I think it was good, as wasthe feeling beforehand of having it covered IYSWIM. I had a horrid hospital birth fiorst timearound (albeit without final outcome you had-eclampsia) and didn't want to risk doing it alone, but expected (and got) a labour of under ann hour with family more than that away. the sense of control i got through having her booked was useful.

We had a doula and she was utterly brilliant. I don't know if it was her presence that made my birth experience so easy, but certainly knowing she was there helped a great deal. She was with me for the first couple of hours before DH could get home from work (things moved a lot quicker than we expected!), stayed next to me while he and the midwife put up the pool in the living room, and then was just an observer during the times when I wanted DH to be the one next to me.

We met up with her 5 times before the birth and she was so helpful in going through various possibilities and supporting whatever we wanted to do. And then afterwards she stayed with us for a couple of hours getting the teas made, sorting out the midwives and basically just letting me and DH and DD be a little family.

I would have her again in a heartbeat if we have a second child, and DH who was initially sceptical saw just how much more confident and relaxed it made me, so is now a total evangelist for doulas (and HB as well!). Like lucy101 said, just knowing you've got that extra support may well help you feel more relaxed about the whole experience, even if on the day your DH is the one who does most of the supporting - it's not a doula's job to replace your partner, unless that's what you specifically want.

I've booked one (for my first due in March) and, like lucy101 said, just felt the stress pour away.

Also she said that if its a (very) long labour then herself and DH will take some rest in shifts, as he will need his strength to be able to look after me and the baby once it's born. Maybe the chance of a rest would convince your OH..? Plus you get someone lovely supporting you at all times without depending on the MWs.

Similar experience to dinkystinky. My doula missed the birth as I had a v fast delivery but I was still delighted that I had booked her. She made me feel relaxed about letting go of the hospital/health care things that were worrying me as I knew she would do all that for me, so I could just go into my hypnosis zone (couldn't recommend highly enough) and leave my adrenaline at the door. I think it took a lot of pressure off DH as well. The doula was very good at making him feel reassured and that she wasn't taking over.

If you're in the NW I can recommend a lovely doula

My doula was worth her weight in gold. I'd never give birth without one now!

I recently looked into a Doula for dc due in 19 days! Found a lovely network of ladies but my DH just was not keen on the idea. He did meet her and listened to everything she had to say etc but still wasn't for him and he did not feel comfortable with it. So just us. I am more than happy with that as DH is the most supportive DH i could wish for and he has been great with me with out 2DC births.

Whatever you choose in the end I am sure its the best for you both
Good Luck!

Hi Salty, I am a doula and can honestly say that the only reason I became one is because of the doula I hired post natally when my twins were born. She was amazing. I have now supported 12 mums and dads through their labours, some good some a little more difficult. You can count on one thing, a doula will not leave your side throughout your labour (I have even stayed with a mum for 72 hours without a break until she gave birth). If it is the money side of things that is worrying DH then call the doula and say this. Most doulas will be happy to discuss things with you and may give a discount.
Hope this helps.

Our doula was great - things weren't going to plan (of course!) and they didn't have space for me in the delivery wards, so I did most of my labour while being moved around post-natal wards with hospital staff fighting each other over where we could go and a midwife who moaned because she had to go down to the delivery ward to get me gas and air...

But our doula formed a protective shield around me and DH so he could get on with being my birth partner and we could ignore the nonsense going on round us. She helped massage my back when DH's hand was going numb from the amount of pressure I needed on my back and got me to focus back down into myself when I started getting distracted by the ridiculous hospital staff. But mainly she freed up DH and gave him the confidence to be a fantastic birth partner.

DH had been initially sceptical about the need for a doula but for our next one (I'm due early next year) has said he won't come to the birth unless we have one again...

only read the OP properly but yes, yes, yes to having a doula. I had the same one at the birth of both my children - definitely with my first it made all the difference, my DH would say that apart from anything else he knew that there was someone around (when the midwives weren't - which was most of the time in a loooong labour!) who knew what was going on so he could relax and support me without panicking. Also, he could copy how she was encouraging me and that really really helped. But she was always very respectful of our need to do the labour as a couple and kept right out of the way when she could see we were doing ok together - i know if my dh was writing this he would say that he was sooo glad we had a doula both times, for my sake apart from anything else because i felt happier and more relaxed.. even though the second time things were quicker and she didn't have to "do" as much.
As well as being wonderful during labour and birth, our doula really helped us talk through all the things we were concerned about in both pregnancies and especially the second time helped me work out the things i had felt were very hard/i hadn't liked the first time around - this will of course be a huge thing for you as you say.
It cost £500 each time (she is a v experienced doula) which is a huge amount of money for us, but we figured it was the kind of money we would have spent on a nice holiday (pre-kids!) and actually, having a positive births with our children was going to be more important than a holiday in the long term iyswim!
All the very best to you

I had never even heard of this before - had to Google it!

I suddenly feel very lucky to have received the support I did from the excellent midwives (well, apart from the very first) and my DP. I suppose I also benefitted from having had a textbook delivery and had things become more complex, holes may have appeared in the support I was offered and a 'professional' support-provider could have been a godsend. As it happened, DP handed me the gas and air, tipped water to my mouth, arranged my pillows, held my hand, let me bite his hand when it became too much, gave me confidence and encouraged me. The midwife who delivered DS could not have been more 'on my team' and really made me believe I could do it. I don't feel a doula could have enhanced a thing - in fact, I would probably have found her trying to give me a massage and a pep talk so superfluous, it would've been a distraction.

My doula was utterly wonderful. Had a traumatic normal delivery with DD1...lots of midwives ignoring me and performing procedures I had yelled 'no' to etc.

Booking her, well she was round about every 6 weeks from week 12 of pg onwards...each time she massaged me and we chatted for an hour or so about my previous issues and what I wanted from this birth. In the end she kept the midwives away from me (I asked her to make them wait in the kitchen as I had a panic attack every time one came near me) and reminded us to feel DD2 crowning and supported me squatting as DH caught the baby. She then made us tea and toast and helped get us tucked up in bed...and stopped the midwives nagging me about putting DD2 in bed with us!

I had a doula (a wonderful, kind newly trained friend) and now I am a doula! It's so heart warming to hear of people's positive experiences here - there's a piece on BBC website that's not so positive today... I have only had positive experiences.

In your position it might be worth looking at ways of relaxing once you've found the right support - IMO hypnotherapy can be really useful. There are CDs available too that can make it less expensive. Essentially it's teaching deep relaxation techniques - I think we can all use them at times

There are lots of trainee doulas and Doula UK run a scheme for those who can't afford a doula - so there are always options.

If DH needs more convincing maybe have a look at Michel Odent's ideas - he's been portrayed as anti-men in the press, but I think he's more pro women having one-to-one care with a woman they know (ideally that would be a midwife, mother or friend perhaps, but we don't all have them around).

I hope you get on well with your meeting!

I totally agree with Fibilou:
"I think that birth is not the time for any man to be prioritising his own feelings over those of the woman in labour. You are the important one here and if you can afford the doula and it would help you, it's really not his decision to make."

And doulas don't have to cost the earth at all... there is a hardship fund, plenty of doulas are undergoing their recognition/certification with either Doula UK or Nurturing Birth and MUST charge n more than £200! And even experienced doulas would charge less if there is a need.... I certainly do.

FOr a good list try:

www.doula.org.uk
www.douladirectory.org.uk

NEITHER website are charging parents anything to find a doula.

hope your meet went well salty- i wish i had had a doula first time as its such pot luck with who your midwife is- we thought we would be ok but our lack of medical knowledge nearly did for me and the baby- making decisons about birth when things go wrong is v v scary as you don;t have much time. (we were vv lucky with mw in the end and she saved our lives, frankly, mainly by getting another doc for a 2nd opinion and having the first doctor booted out, never to reappear)

my dh was unsure like yours at prgncy, but said after he wished he had forked out.

good luck this time

There seems an undertone sometimes that doulas replace the men. not so with ours. DH is not only a great birth aprtner but the only person I would really wish to be with me; the doula was to provide someone else in case Dh couln't be thee but as it happened they worked really well together,DH was worried he would be not needed but I clearly remember despearately needing what they were both doing- DH's presenceand closeness, and the Doula just slipping next tome when struggling talking me down.

Wow - lots of positive stories here.

Interestingly the article that joyfull has linked to was being discussed on the PM programme today on R4 (it was dh who heard it ) - so I'm just off to have a listen.

I do think one of the (many) reasons that doulas are becoming more popular is that we are less likely to live close to our female relatives than we would have done say 50 years ago. Likewise with female friends - the ones who I would want there either live miles away or have small children/ work commitments which would make it impossible (understandably) for them to commit to dropping everything for my birth.

Interesting MrsMerry Henry. Would like to read that book. Have always thought that the support of another women might be the best thing in labour. Not to disrespect any man who has been wonderful to his wife/partner, but just an instinctive feeling that a woman who has birthed herself can read your noises/movements better than a man.
My dh missed the birth of our first child by accident (long story) and came in to the delivery room looking very sheepish, but actually I was relieved. I said that it doesn't really matter being there for the moment, it's the next 18+ years that's the important bit.
Of course, do whatever is right for you (and your partner) but you may find that your dh prefers looking after the older child while a supportive female (friend/relative or doula) helps you during the nitty gritty bits...
Good luck.

The Red Tent is a very inspiring read.

I am a Doula, in my 3rd year and have supported many many couples, also mil's, mums and other family members too.

For a Doula, the whole ethos is about being and not necessarily doing. We are there for quite a long time before labour, getting to know you and your family unit over a period of time. We have talked extensively about your(and your partners) fears and wishes. We know you. We aim to give you the confidence to birth positively yourselves, whether that's massaging your back, or simply being in the same room as you. Or even not in the same room if that's what you decide.

There is also the option of gift vouchers, that you can buy, (or other people can buy for you) from DUK

here

available in mutiples of £25 or £50. Can be a great gift and really take the pressure off.

Good luck on all your journeys ladies.

I have a fabulous friend who is a doula - I SO wish she lived nearer to me!
She says one of her roles with first time parents is often to help the DH to not feel like a spare part, but to enable both parents to have the birth they want.

She was on tv today, I'll post a link if I can find one.

Best of luck!!