Please help me convince dh that having a doula is a good idea?

[saltyseadog]

I'm expecting dc2 in March. Whilst my first labour was fine - 13 hours, minor tear, gas and air (& pethidine) - there were definitely aspects of it that could have been better. I remember begging my mw not to leave me to go and check on another woman for example. I also lost quite a bit of blood and was rather scared taking a shower straight afterwards on my own as I felt distinctly light headed. Pathetic I know.
Finally, dd was born profoundly disabled (although we didn't know this at her birth), and whilst there is nothing that will change the outcome for dc2 I am going into this labour with more anxiety than I did last time around.

So - this time around I'd really like to have the support of a doula. The stumbling block is dh, he is concerned that he will become a spare part during the labour.

Please can you tell me about your good doula experiences, or if you are a doula how much better it would be if you were at my next birth ? Then I can show dh the thread and hopefully convince him that it is a good idea.

I had a surprise doula come along with the midwife to my home birth. My dh said it felt like a relief to have her there and that the pressure was off him.

I really think a doula complements the husband - they serve different roles - really, with a doula you're also buying a whole bag of services - she may offer massage, aromatherapy or just be good with breathing and quiet support. But the difference is, she's familiar and confident with birth while your dh may be nervous or anxious about you.

Having a doula really frees your dh up to do what you and he want to do without him worrying about what he /should/ be doing.

Is it important that a doula has experienced giving birth herself?

I was wondering whether anyone has used a doula who is childless and whether that would put you off or not be a relevant factor.

My midwife was childless and absolutely incredible. I can't say enough good things about her.

I can't see why the same wouldn't be true of a doula. It's probably helpful to have some experience of giving birth, but not absolutely necessary. All that's needed is that you are able to support women giving birth.

That said, the NCT used to insist their antenatal teachers had given birth (C-Section counted) - not sure if they still do but I suspect they do. I don't really understand why. I think you can empathise, even if you haven't been through it. Teachers don't necessarily need to have 'done' to teach.

My doula is/was an angel :)

I had a terrible first birth and still have nightmares about what happened, my doula prevented my second birth (which also went pear shaped) from affecting me in the same way. I had a much better labour at home and a worse hospital 'birth' in the end but a happier mental outcome which was great.

Plus I was deperate for bananas when I went into labour and whilst demanding asking DH to go and find some, she turned up with an unexpected gift of bananas...I could of kissed her

She helped by making cups of tea, helping me relax into the contractions instead of fighting them. Bought energy drinks and a cup with straw attachment which allowed me to drink even in the water pool. She gave DH the chance to get a bit to eat and go to the toilet, as my contractions were every 5 minutes and I needed him then. She supported us both so well.

After 12 hours in labour at home, I just knew that the baby was stuck and wouldn't come out. We transfered to hospital and our Doula came with us. They scanned me and it turned out that my second baby (DS) had turned sideways during labour, despite being dilated I would never of been able to birth him naturally.

I ended up having a CS awake which is my all time worse nightmare, I was very frightened. Our doula came to theatre with us and insisted that they bring the baby checking table up the room so I could see it and that they brought him straight to me (one of the things I struggled with my daughter's birth was they took her from the room and I didn't remember seeing her for a day )

My husband asked that they show us the baby and let us find out the gender and they did so, that gave me a little silver lining, we found out what gender we had before the room full of people.

So the birth failed again, but I am so truely thankful for my husband and doula there. I still feel sad about how DS arrived but I knew that we had done all we could and the doula made sure we kept control of the situation which made her services invaluable.

Doulas Rock !!!

should of been 24 hours in labour at home....

Hanaflower - no all doulas have not given birth (neither have all midwives). I have met some amazing childless doulas and I am not always impressed by a "mother" doula... it is VERY much who you "gel" with.... if it is important to you that she has given birth, then by all means choose one who has but I would be happy to have as my doula some of the non mothers I have trained as doulas in the past.

I know I'm probably being a bit crap and spineless over here but I'm going to start phoning a few doulas before long to have an initial chat but before I do DP I need to know how much it's going to work out at. I don't really want to be in the position of saying during my first phone call oh hi yes we'd really like to see you, how much do you charge? HOW MUCH??? ok thanks bye

Please someone tell me how much they paid for a 'standard' package?

Oh I was expecting it to be in the thousands!

Thanks yangy

take a look at the Doula site - lots of the Doula's there actually list how much they charge... but some might still be flexible.

I also had a Doula for my first and only birth and was very happy I did. I had a home birth and my mid-wife was late, so I was told to 'hold' when it came to push! If it wasn't for her I would have had to have gone to hospital according to my husband. I didn't need her to give me a 'pep talk' in the birth, I didn't want any noise at all. She lit candles, darkened the room and I had a pool as well. Whenever I needed it she massaged my back in the pool, which was the best pain relief ever. She was like a silent angel, all the way till the end and helped when I had breastfeeding problems too. My husband was happy that he could go and sleep for a while and was there when I really wanted him to be when it came to actually pushing when the midwife finally arrived (who was also great!) I was worried the mid-wives would mind and think she was trying to do their job, but it wasn't the case at all, I think she was relieved to have an extra person there too.

There is a doula hardship fund which is mostly for people on benefits but they are very helpful in helping work something out for people not on benefits if you really can't afford it. Lots of Doulas will do freebies or knock down their prices.

My Doula was invaluable. She had contacts within the hospital we transferred to and helped me co-ordinate my twin birth in an Midwife Led Unit. It went really well in the end! Without her I would not have had things how I wanted. I had had incompetent care during my last two pregnancies and births (babies and I were fine) which is why we hired her because I was worried about things being more risky with twins and knew we needed good care and wanted it outside the hospital policies.

She charged £500 + travel (because she lived an hour away) which buys at least 2 antenatal visits, 1 postnatal visit and the birth. She was brilliant. She came much more often than the stipulated amounts (maybe 10 or 15 antenatal visits), she massaged me and helped with suggestions and research and was absolutely invaluable when I was in labour. She also worked with the care providers so I had lots of different perspectives to help me make decisions.

She knew what I needed without me having to speak so I was free not to talk. Sometimes she helped DH to understand what I wanted without me speaking and helped him to be more involved. Having her meant I really didn't have to worry about anything other than getting the babies out. The midwives didn't mind her being there because she already knew them all!

Whereabouts are you seadog? My doula is in Liverpool, I'd be happy to recommend her to you if you are too.

just wanted to mention also that if you have a looong labour like I did your dh might be too tired to be of any use (like mine was).

a friend is a good option but the one i chose was not prepared enough (never given birth) and just didn't know what to do so kinda tagged along with dp so i was on my own for (what seemed like) long stretches of time which in hindsight was really rubbish.

Also I was telling them that the epidural was not working but the nurses were saying that it was so it was kind of left like that (!!) I'm sure a doula would have been more assertive and would have known what to say.

dh and friends might just accept what the mw/nurse/doctor say when a doula might be able to challenge it for you.

I think i will definitely consider a doula for my next birth.

Sorry if repeating but how about getting your husband to meet with one or two, or speak on the phone so he can get feel confident