Has anyone regretted having a doula at their birth?

[Aubergenie]

Not sure why anyone would, but I'm just trying to look at both sides of the coin...

Not specifically a doula, but a birthpartner. If think it helps if you've definitley ensured that you have clear expectations of what you are hoping from from them (also allowing them to burst any bubbles).

I hadn't expected my birth partner to be having a migrane when I phoned to say "I think this is it!"

Thanks Ladymuck. So what happened? Did you birth partner make a recovery before the baby arrived?

I think you're right though. Expectations need to be made very clear beforehand. I'm considering a doula (for reasons explained on another thread) but am quite a private person and am worried about having someone I don't know at such an intimate time (although obviously there will be midwives/doctors there so maybe I'm being a bit precious...)

Yes. In hindsight I think having her there gave me a form of performance anxiety. I was having a very slow, stop-start latent phase but called her over (unsure as first-time labour). Once she was there I felt a lot more focus on what I was doing and a sense of expectation, instead of pootling about trying to ignore the cxs as much as possible. This led to me getting to hospital far, far too early and ending up (after a long story) with an EMCS.

Having a doula who was very pro-natural birth also increased my sense of failure after I succumbed to an epidural and ultimately a CS. It took me a long time to recognise that fact, and I know it is a problem in my head rather than anything she did or said, but that's how it is.

Given the chance to do it again, I would think very carefully about whether to have anyone but DH in attendance. The difficult bit for me would not be the prospect of groaning or flashing my bits to someone else. Rather I have come to the conclusion that having a (near) stranger in my house, thinking about making conversation, being aware that I was keeping her out all weekend with my unreasonably long labour, hindered my progress.

I didn't regret havng a birth doula at all - but can see if it was the wrong person for you it could be weird

I wish I hadn't bothered with a post-natal doula though - her presence annoyed me (different person to birth doula)

Interesting Pendulum. I think I can understand where you're coming from. Do you think it would have been different if you had chosen a different person, or was it just the stranger thing for you? I'm sorry that you had a difficult time.

The timescale would be a bit of a worry for me too for financial reason. I spoke to a doula who charges a set fee for a certain number of hours and then a (very high, I thought) hourly fee after that. I'm not sure if that's the normal system but I'd be worried about whether we could afford for me to have a slow labour and that would really stress me out!

Aubergenie, I'm not sure anyone else would have been different. I think what would have made a difference is if I had had a fairly swift labour, or at least one that progressed steadily. As it was I felt like a watched pot. I often wonder whether I would have had a different outcome if I had tried to ignore the labour and watch TV instead of sitting in a room with DH and the doula timing my ctx. Problem was, I was trying for VBAC which made me more anxious than I might otherwise have been.

BTW as your thread perhaps shows I haven't found many people to agree with me, most people rave about their doulas (including those who used the same one as me). So I think it's more to do with my own personality really.

On the subject of cost, mine was a flat fee and I think all the ones I costed were. Agree entirely that knowing you were on a taxi meter system would be likely to provoke more anxiety. Have you looked at a few?

If I could, I'd have this one on my own. I wouldn't even allow DH there but it would be unfair to him. I found that my instinct is to go quiet and 'into myself'.

DH flapped, panicked and constantly wanted me to reassure him so I found it very stressful. In the end the MW tactfully suggested that I needed to rest and concentrate and maybe he should go for a walk.

interesting point pendulum. i didn't have a doula with my first but have considered it with my second [i'm 32 wks] but in the end decided against it. i just suddenly realised i didn't want to have to think about another person in the room. i too am private and also tbh have trouble relaxing with new people so i just thought not for me. also i think my motivations for wanting a doula were a bit skewed. i was feeling [and continue to do so] insecure about the type of treatment i'd get from the nhs and frankly wanted a bit of a bulldog in my corner. i don't think that's reason enough to bring someone else into the equation. a very personal choice i know, just don't think it's for me.

"I often wonder whether I would have had a different outcome if I had tried to ignore the labour and watch TV instead of sitting in a room with DH and the doula timing my ctx."

I think you are right about this pendulum. Not that I have had this experience but the book Birthing From Within explores this phenomenon quite well.

Like ajm, I am half fancying doing it alone but i think I will opt for letting dh sleep as long as possible if my ctx start at night and calling the doula when he starts to worry/flap as he can't get his head round this labour thing and then the doula and I will decide when to call the MW. We are planning a HWB.

with some of the points mimsy have raised. I am hoping to use my doula as someone to limit interventions and encourage me to go as far as possible by listening to my body. My dd's birth was medicalised for reasons beyond our control but the actual treatment I received was appalling on many levels. I am dreading ever going into hospital to give birth and the MWs in my area had to be pushed into supporting my HWB.

I feel like i cannot fully trust them to fully support my choice when i am in labour and I don't have the money to go private. Besides, why should I? DH and I pay a helluva lot of taxes and have never depended on the system so the least I can ask the system for is to support a choice I have every right to make. (rant over)

My doula and I see eye to eye on a lot of things and I believe our friendship could continue past this experience. It already seems like more than a professional friendship so i hope I am not setting myself up for lots of disappointment.

foxytocin i hope it works for you. i certainly can understand wanting a doula to be your advocate. fingers crossed the second labour goes faster and smoother than the first - that's how it's supposed to be, right!?!

I had a doula as DH wasn't sure he wanted to be at the birth, and I wanted to not be thinking about him, but just about myself. My doula really made that happen - she had had time to get to know me, DH and what we wanted, and made everything else go away, even though it was a prem, continuously monitored, on the bed birth. So she turned out the lights, massaged me etc, and in fact meant that the midwives sat in the corner and left me alone till the actual birth - I have no memory of them at all from when doula arrived till after DS was born. Rather than being another person in the room, to me, she was the only person.

It was a really positive experience for me, and in fact for Dh as he felt he was able to go in and out of the room as he pleased.

Just to add my two cents I think its just really important to interview a few doulas and find one you click with. We're in the midst of interviewing and after our last interview are really considering whether having a doula is for us - having had no experience of them beforehand. The lady who visited us on the weekend was just so on edge (keeping her coat on, sitting on the corner of the couch like she was ready to jump up and leave at any point) and said ok so ask me your questions - whereas I was hoping more for a conversation - and then kept referring to my DH in third person even though he was in the room with me! Will interview a few others and see if it gets any better, if not think we might just go it alone.

hi all.

I am a Doula, and if any of my clients wanted me to leave the room, go home, it would be no problem.

I spend alot of time prebirth getting to know my families so that we are all comfortable with each other, so that if the situation did aRISE THAT THE COUPLE WANTED TO BE ALONE, THEY WOULD FEEL OK ABOUT TELLING ME. (whoops sorry)

If i have done a good job beforehand, then i really don't need to do that much at the actual birth as it's all about giving my couples the confidence to do it themselves.

Re the nervous interviewee, was she a trainee, ? The first few times are a bit nerve wracking, but i'm totally a coat off, sit back on the sofa, lets have a getting to know each other conversation type of girl.

hope you manage to find someone. See a few more.

also re payment. Definately go with someone who chaRGES A SET FEE. i DON'T EVEN CHARGE MILEAGE, MY FEE IS TOTAL, AND THAT'S IT, NO HIDDEN EXTRAS. mAKES LIFE LES STRESSFUL FOR ALL.

hth, (bloody caps button, )

Thanks ladies. I'm glad to hear that others thought the taxi-rank payment model was a bit wrong too. The problem I've got is that it's only just occured to me to get a doula and I'm 37 weeks tomorrow, so obviously at this stage, a lot of people are already committed!!

The reason I've come to this decision this late in the day is that I've gone from low risk to high risk and have been told that I'm going to have to be continously monitored and on the bed and I'm not going to be allowed to eat and drink during labour etc etc and like you foxytocin I feel like I need someone to be my advocate as, from the way the doctor was talking to me about it all, I can envisage a situation where things are not progressing and then having to have all sorts of interventions that might have been avoided.

I'm also thinking of changing hospitals but that's a whole other thread...

then it sounds like all the more reason to try to get a doula. You can still find one. have you tried the doulaUK website yet?

I can really recommend a good doula.I had one for DS2's birth and wish she had been there for DS1's birth which was pretty intense/scary.
I only saw her (in terms of choosing a doula)but she came highly recommended.
Do you really need to lie on a bed to be monitored? Sorry to sound bossy but that is not going to help your labour progress smoothly... I would be v tempted to fight v hard to have a more active labour and am sure a doula would support you in this.

Yes, I've been on there and Emailed a ton of people explaining in detail what my situation is and now I'm just waiting to hear back from people. Most of them are fully booked so far, so fingers crossed...

I agree Pannacotta. Am going back to speak to the consultant this week about this.

I'm in east London StarlightMcKenzie.

Newham General

Aubergenie, I hope you don't mind me asking but what exactly is the problem which has made you go from low to high risk? I think there may be more options there for you than this consultant is promising.