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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Has anyone regretted having a doula at their birth?

83 replies

Aubergenie · 06/09/2008 10:02

Not sure why anyone would, but I'm just trying to look at both sides of the coin...

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liahgen · 10/09/2008 22:54

omg Disney, that is terrible, and very unprofessional.

I hope you managed to get some support. x

Aubergenie · 11/09/2008 09:47

Thanks everybody who has replied. It sounds very much like it's so important to get the right person. Really sorry to hear about your awful experience Disney.

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AnguaVonUberwald · 11/09/2008 19:22

This is a very interesting thread for me as i had a dreadful first birth (no doula) and have already told DH that if we decide to have another child then I want a doula at the birth. Clearly having the right person is very important, but I want to have someone there to fight my corner, help me understand what is going on and shout at the midwives so that they realise I am about to give birth!

iwantasecondone · 11/09/2008 19:24

Ditto Angua. So much so that I am training as a doula because I don't want what happened to me to happen to others!

Aselle · 12/09/2008 09:16

For me, I think it would be important to hire a doula through an organisation, such as Doula UK. As far as I understand, there are no rules or any legislation as to who can call themselves a doula. Doula UK has a process of checking and vetting their members.

tenren · 12/09/2008 10:30

i wanted a doula for dd's birth as i had a mortal fear of hospital interventions, and wanted someone on my side (who was not dh and emotionally involved) to give me advice/options in the hospital (ie: ask for more time, if i needed it, prevent undue examinations / interruptions, give me suggestions for new positions etc, and be there as a second opinion if you like, if things were going wrong) and create a space for me to labour as i wanted to. just knowing i had someone who was going to be there for ME, and who was clear about what i wanted (and was cool with it!) really put my mind at ease. She gave me a good code to think about if something unexpected happened and an intervention came up - BRAN - what are the BENEFITS / RISKS / ALTERNATIVES and is it NECESSARY or needed NOW. Feeling armed with all this, and aware of the consequences of various interventions if unavoidable, i felt totally confident going into labour. I couldn't recommend a doula more highly! but yep - make sure you both communicate well.

Aubergenie · 12/09/2008 11:15

I agree Aselle, I need to go through an organisation. Unfortunately, it's late in the day - I'm 37w 3d today. I emailed a ton of people from Doula uk and only a very few got back to me. Of the ones who did no-one is available except one who I have had to discount as she is very expensive and only attends for a certain number of hours before swtiching to an hourly fee and we won't be able to afford it.

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Aselle · 12/09/2008 16:59

Have you tried nurturing birth to find a doula? On their site you put your postcode in and then all the hospitals come up. You then pick the hospital you're going to and all the doulas that cover it are listed. Just an idea.

Aselle · 12/09/2008 17:00

Meant to say, they are a recognised company that run training courses and also have a very strict check on their doulas.

lulumama · 12/09/2008 17:03

disney, if you booked that doula through one of the organisations, especially through doula uk, you should contact them to say that you were let down in that way. if you book someone so early on, you take precedence over later bookings. if i have had clients who i though might clash or there might be an issue, i organise a back up doula who the client meets.

aubergenie, if you are merseyside based, i will doula you !

Litchick · 12/09/2008 17:48

I didn't have one but met one afterwards and wished she'd been there for me.
Never met a woman who exuded so much confidence.
I told her that giving birth was one of the most frightening things that had ever happened in my life and she was furious for me. I showed her the registar's notes of my birth which described me as 'uncoperative' and 'hysterical' between birth of twin one and twin two and she made a formal complaint on my behalf.
I know that I may still have had a difficult birth but if she'd been there I'm sure she would have made the passgae easier.

liahgen · 12/09/2008 18:31

that's what having a doula is all about lit. having the confidence to make informed decisions, and should things happen that are out of your control, at least as you say, the passage will be easier.

Tittybangbang · 12/09/2008 18:44

"For me, I think it would be important to hire a doula through an organisation, such as Doula UK. As far as I understand, there are no rules or any legislation as to who can call themselves a doula. Doula UK has a process of checking and vetting their members."

With respect - most doula training courses validated by Doula UK are only two or three days long, and it's left to the doula to get her CRB check and her references sorted.

Nurturing Birth is one of the better training organisations, but even their course is only 3 days long and you can join the course without attending an interview first.

Personally I think the only thing you can do is meet with several doulas and see which one you feel most comfortable with and have the most trust in. It's like buying a home - you know when it's the right one!

lulumama · 13/09/2008 08:30

that is true, titty, may i call you titty? but the point is, i feel, a doula registered with doula uk, under their umbrella, will have a mentor to reflect on their births with, and a resource for help.. so they are not out there on their own.. they have an organisation behind them...

anyone can be a doula, with or without the course, but joing DUK means that you are committing to a philosophy and code of conduct and way of being a doula.

nurturing birth is also a very supportive doula organisation ..

Maria2007 · 13/09/2008 10:15

I have a 6 week old boy (my first baby) & we had a doula at the birth, as I was really terrified of the pain involved. So I wanted to add my experience.

I think it's definitely important to choose the right person... We saw a couple of doulas (& emailed with some more) before we chose the doula we worked with. For me it was important that the doula we chose was not anti-epidural, or at least that she could support & accept my choice to use an epidural. I felt with one doula I talked to that she was very anti-epidural (& could barely hide this). So in the end, we chose someone with whom we 'clicked' & who openly discussed with us the pros & cons of epidurals, but clearly accepted & supported our choice & preference, to hopefully have a good birth despite the problems that an epidural might cause. So my advice when choosing a doula is to make sure she's on board with your birth choices, as I think lots of them are vehemently pro-natural/no pain relief-birth (or at least that's the impression I got, I may be wrong!)

In the end, my labour was very hard- or at least I found it very hard. 15 hours natural / no pain relief labour at home (with intense 3-mins-apart contractions) with very slow progression (we went to hospital & got sent back). Then an epidural, which was a blessed relief. And then unfortunately a forceps delivery, because of my panic at the last minute when the epidural wore off & I suddenly felt the pushing sensation. All in all, the doula was most helpful at home. She was calm, had ideas about spending the time, helped me & my partner to cope with a labour that I was finding very hard & that was far too long for my own endurance levels. At the hospital phase of my labour, our doula was again helpful, but when I was given the epidural, I really didn't need that much help, I mostly rested. Then at the end, when I 'lost it' & my labour turned into an ER-episode (rushed to theatre & had forceps) I felt, inexplicably, embarrassed & ashamed that my doula had witnessed that. So much so that this plagued me afterwards, & I kept thinking of my labour & crying. I didn't feel embarrassed & ashamed about my partner seeing me panic like that & ask for help from doctors... So I'm inclined to think that either it had to do with the fact that essentially she was a stranger (although we had gotten to know each other well by that time) or alternatively that it had to do with the fact that she had a very positive, and I would say even a bit idealized, view of what labour can be.

If I have one complaint, it was that I sometimes felt (and this feeling I still have) that she could not accept afterwards or during the labour, that to me the labour & delivery was not a good experience,but one of the most difficult days of my life, which I took a while to digest (& I'm still upset to remember). She insisted that we could see the good parts in it... but for me the good part was having my healthy, beautiful boy at the end.

All in all, I would definitely recommend having a doula, she provided much needed support for us when labouring at home. But think carefully about how comfortable you will feel if things don't go smoothly, and she ends up seeing you in extreme pain/fear/panic etc. Will you be ok with her seeing that? In my case, I found it hard remembering myself in those circumstances, let alone accepting that someone else, a relative outsider, had seen me like that too...

Hope this was not too confusing!

spur · 15/09/2008 13:19

HI There this is my first time on this so am not that familiar yet. I just wanted to add that I did regret having a doula at my daughters birth ( now 9 months )but she was great before and after!.....My boyfriend didnt want her there and the tension between them in the hospital was unbearable at times. My doula also clashed with the midwife a bit and I found myself a bit embarrassed that she was there. I wont go into the long an complicated details of the lead up to the birth...I was supposed to be induced and was in and out of hospital the week before. However my doula was a great support in that week and in the end I had a natural birth. At the birth she was a bit unwelcome and pissed my boyfriend off but she massaged and relaxed me, used homeopathy to bring on the labour naturally. After the birth she was there for me and when everyone was fussing over the baby she looked after me - got me to the loo and helped me get dressed! Which I needed. At the birth she was not the right person to be there I should have asked her to leave us but i was too polite - the midwife took over anyway and was the only one I wanted to speak with! My boyfriend has since apologised for being such a nightmare as he was stressed out - no excuse - but I wish I had thought about it more. Ultimately it is not a big deal as long as you and baby are safe. My advice is to consider all personalities involved and whether they will get on under stress! The same thing happened with postnatal doula but she was old enough and wise enough to deal with my boyfriend and now we are all best of friends! good luck!

Aubergenie · 15/09/2008 14:54

What an awkward situation Spur. Definitely not what you need.

I was initially worried that DP might feel pushed out if we were to get a doula, but he assures me he's fine with it. The message I'm getting here is definitely how important it is to get the right person. I think I've found someone now who seems lovely, and just from talking to her, I feel so much more positive about the whole birth thing. Which has to be good!

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spur · 15/09/2008 15:48

Hi Aubergenie,there is so much to think about but my boyfriend had such a romantic idea about the birth and was useless when it came to it. I knew he would be and the doula was supposed to be a support for him - I got that wrong! Some partners turn out to be wonderful - its impossible to know what will happen and how people react.

The main thing I felt was being able to tell my boyfriend to get off or shut up etc. the doula felt she had to keep calming me or telling me what to do when I didnt need it. I cant explain how irritating it is to have someone saying ridiculous things when you are going through the birth - that is what makes you aware that you are with a stranger.

I do think having a doula is a great support for your first baby. I was glad to have someone there but really wish I had chosen a different person. Looking back I realised when we all met up that it wasnt working but just ignored the signs.

Glad you have found someone and that you are feeling positive about the birth, for me giving birth was an amazing experience despite doula issues and I wish you all the best. My boyfriend and I did laugh about it afterwards!

MarchNowFebMum · 16/09/2008 18:43

echo maria, really depends on if you can find someone you feel comfortable with. we interviewed several as well and some i would'nt want to share an elevator with much less a birth. it's really a matter of personality match and if you feel like this is a person who you could be calm with. that said, i ended up having the back up doula and she was brilliant. imo, she made the difference in my having a natural birth -there was some question and she heavily lobbied teh meds - my husband and i were like deers in headlights at that point.

i felt with a first birth i really wanted someone in the room who had been through it before and was on 'our side'. and i think you need someone who is really open minded and will help you to see your birth as positive, no matter the outcome.

good luck!

Pendulum · 16/09/2008 20:47

Maria2007, that's very articulate and sums up exactly what I was trying to say early on in the thread. I had hired my doula to help me have a VBAC, to fight my corner etc. But I did so much preparation for the VBAC that I felt ill-equipped to deal with the fact that my labour ended in an EMCS and that the doula witnessed that "failure". We had spent so much time discussing the succesful VBACs she had attended that I felt I somehow didn't make the grade.

Aselle · 25/09/2008 10:03

Oh Spur, sounds like you had a bit of a difficult time with your doula... I think it is probably very important that the doula meet with both the woman and her partner. As far as I understand it, doulas are not medically trained and should therefore not interfer with what the midwife is saying but perhaps help the parents ask the right questions. A doula shuld have no agenda of her own!

I know there are some wonderful doulas out there so make sure you see more than one!

Henry73 · 22/09/2009 13:25

Aubergenie,

Where do you live? I am a Doula with Doula UK and may know Doulas who are still avail to be your Doula or maybe will do shared care or hardship fund?? Get back asap and I will try to find someone for you through the DOULA UK forum?

Ema xx

liahgen · 22/09/2009 22:23

henry this thread is from 2008

Evegenia · 23/01/2011 13:45

I realise this thread is years old, but in case some of you are still active on this site, I just wanted to say thanks for your really interesting and enlightening posts on the pros and cons of using a Doula.

I'm currently training as a Doula and the opinions and experiences you've shared on here have been invaluable to me, I intend to learn from your stories and tailor my support to help couples in the best possible way through their most precious of journeys.

Thanks very much.

Evegenia

DoulasofDubai · 23/02/2011 11:31

Hello there, becoming a doula was the best thing I have done in years!! What a great job.!