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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Husband left me at 29 weeks pregnant, should I let him be there at the birth?

52 replies

Mamawollf · 27/05/2024 11:23

I have been with my husband for 17 years and married two with four kids and a fifth on the way. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and last week my husband announced he wanted to go on a break as we had been arguing this past seven months on a regular basis. I was floored, I became suicidal and was admitted into hospital for four days. He has anger issues and frequently threw things in temper when we had arguments. His mother interfered a lot in our relationship. He attended 2 of 10 of my antenatal appointments and has recently asked if he could be there in the theatre room when I have my C-section. One of the reasons he gave for not attending my appointments was that he didn't want to play happy families, but I feel that's exactly what he's doing in the theatre room. I have suffered from pnd after the births of my other children and I'm terrified when he's being so cold and distant that I'm going to crash and burn after this baby and be further crushed that I'm going to be doing this on my own.i know that I'm going to need support, someone to hold my hand and give me a hug then and right now he's not capable of giving me that, should I let him into the theatre room?

OP posts:
LemonySnickets · 27/05/2024 11:27

That would be a 'hell no!' for me! No chance. No way. He doesn't get to pick and choose which parts he's involved with and dip out when he chooses.

mayaknew · 27/05/2024 11:28

What's his relationship/parenting been with your 4 kids since you split? Think this would influence my decision.

Pinkjarblujar · 27/05/2024 11:28

Definitely not. Bring your mum.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2024 11:29

I didn't.

you need someone supportive who you trust.

Singleandproud · 27/05/2024 11:29

Well statistics say if a man is at the birth of his child then he is more likely to remain involved with them even if separated from the mother.

It wouldn't particularly bother me that he didn't attend the antenatal appointments and I wouldn't have invited him to them if we had split up anyway. However, he also sounds like an abusive arse hat so I wouldn't want him there.
Who will be looking after your other children?
If he won't be supportive of you who else would you have with you - maybe your mum?

anyway.

Fuzziduck · 27/05/2024 11:31

No. You need someone there to support and advocate for you. This is a medical procedure.

EverydayIdo · 27/05/2024 11:31

No. It's a surgery that's happening to you. Go by yourself or take someone you can trust. He can look after your other children.

AgnesX · 27/05/2024 11:34

Why would you? He's being of zero help to you. If anything he should stay at home with the children you already have.

wizzywig · 27/05/2024 11:41

No. And no doubt he will throw it in your face as proof of your nastiness but focus on yourself. Good luck, op. hope you have support

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/05/2024 11:44

No. You need someone you trust and who will comfort and advocate for you. That person is not your husband.Sad

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/05/2024 11:46

No. A person is at the birth to support you. It isn't a spectator sport.

Venturini · 27/05/2024 11:46

Absolutely no way.

caringcarer · 27/05/2024 11:48

EverydayIdo · 27/05/2024 11:31

No. It's a surgery that's happening to you. Go by yourself or take someone you can trust. He can look after your other children.

This. Take your Mum or best friend with you. I'd have rather been alone than have my exh anywhere near me giving birth by C section.

BoobyDazzler · 27/05/2024 11:48

Not in a million years. Have someone with you who isn’t going to make you anxious.

BestZebbie · 27/05/2024 11:49

You should also make sure that your mum, supporting you, is recorded as your next of kin for medical decisions if you aren't able to make them during the birth.
Your husband has opted out of that role morally if not legally by opting out of your marriage.

AlwaysFreezing · 27/05/2024 11:53

He can have the other children while you're in hospital. And you can have someone there for you in the theatre.

That way, he's still getting to father his children.

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/05/2024 12:17

Should he not be looking after your other kids at that time? I would bring a friend or mum. He doesn't get to have whatever he chooses when he left.
That said, I do get that it's his child and others will come along and say he should get to be at the birth but I'm not that big of a person

usernother · 27/05/2024 12:19

No, of course not.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 27/05/2024 12:19

No. He should be looking after your other children while you are in hospital.

It's a medical procedure and you need someone 100% supportive to be with you in theatre.

He is not that person.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/05/2024 12:20

Wouldn’t let him in my house, never mind a hospital theatre.

bibop · 27/05/2024 12:56

Nope. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

Nicole1111 · 27/05/2024 14:16

No. He can meet the baby shortly after the birth. He doesn’t deserve access to one of the most vulnerable moments of your life. I’d also recommend you complete the freedom programme as soon as possible. If you go to your local children’s centre they should be running a course you can join. If that doesn’t work logistically then you can do it online.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2024 14:19

No, absolutely not, don't let him ruin those memories for you.

The birth is about you and the baby, he can wait with everyone else .

I wouldn't be giving baby his last name either.

CountingCrones · 27/05/2024 14:21

He can spend time with his four children while you are giving birth - he's hardly going to be a soothing and loving presence for you, is he?

AlwaysGrateful · 27/05/2024 14:22

Absolutely NOT!