Husband left me at 29 weeks pregnant, should I let him be there at the birth?

[Mamawollf]

I have been with my husband for 17 years and married two with four kids and a fifth on the way. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and last week my husband announced he wanted to go on a break as we had been arguing this past seven months on a regular basis. I was floored, I became suicidal and was admitted into hospital for four days. He has anger issues and frequently threw things in temper when we had arguments. His mother interfered a lot in our relationship. He attended 2 of 10 of my antenatal appointments and has recently asked if he could be there in the theatre room when I have my C-section. One of the reasons he gave for not attending my appointments was that he didn't want to play happy families, but I feel that's exactly what he's doing in the theatre room. I have suffered from pnd after the births of my other children and I'm terrified when he's being so cold and distant that I'm going to crash and burn after this baby and be further crushed that I'm going to be doing this on my own.i know that I'm going to need support, someone to hold my hand and give me a hug then and right now he's not capable of giving me that, should I let him into the theatre room?

No. He opted out, he has no right to be there when you are at your most vulnerable.

I would laugh in his face.

It's medical staff who make decisions if the mother is not able to, not next of kin.

No chance, his job is to look after his other 4 DCs while you can’t

You will be vulnerable and in need of support. I’d take your mum: friend or a close relative. Text him when it’s all over.

Well statistics say if a man is at the birth of his child then he is more likely to remain involved with them even if separated from the mother.

I don’t think any child or mother needs an abusive man involved in their lives.

Big fat nope from me.

The answer to your question is a flat no but can I ask why you've had 5 children with this man?

Absolutely not. Birthing partners are there to support the woman in labour, not to spectate for their own sake.

As others have said, he should be looking after his other 4 DC, and you should have someone in with you who will support YOU. Your mum, sister, friend, whoever would make you feel safest.

I would be very surprised if the statistics show a causal link between being at the birth and remaining involved. The only way they could measure that would be to take a group of men who wanted to attend and randomly allow them or prevent them from attending. A study like that would never get ethical approval.

It's more likely to be a correlation. I expect the men who want to attend the birth are the type of men who are more likely to stay involved anyway. Additionally, if the couple are split up, having the type of relationship where the woman allows him to attend is potentially the type of relationship where they co-parent more effectively due to the father being generally more respectful and supportive of the mother.

OP - it would be a definite no from me but only you know whether he will be supportive and whether he is the right person for you to have at the birth.

As others have said, looking after your other children would be a more appropriate role for him. I'd you're feeling generous, he can bring the children to visit you and meet their sibling afterwards.

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with, birth is very personal. I don't think I would want him there, but like I said, it's what you feel comfortable with.

You giving birth is about you and what makes your comfortable. He doesn’t get a say in that.

I wondered that too.

Hardly a helpful question.

This.

He's treating this like entitlement to a first row seat at a spectacle you're providing for him.

Once you've recovered, divorce him. Your children need a peaceful home.

As a father present at the birth of our 3 children, I would say don't even let him in the hospital

Hell no would I let him be there. He can't fuck you around and play happy families when it suits him.

Next of kin have the right to be consulted. The patient also has the right to make her wishes known where certain circumstances are concerned.

Ahead of the CS (or any operation), the hospital should offer a form where you can make your wishes known in case of medical emergency (an 'advance directive') and where you name your next of kin.

@Mamawollf no way!! I would not even let him know if you were in labour! just tell him the day after you have the baby! he has no rights now and to let him see you at your most vulnerable just should not happen!! he never gets to see you with no clothes on ever again!

I answered the OP's question. I don't think he should be at the birth, obviously. I just don't understand why someone would have 5 kids with a man who has anger issues and a marriage that clearly isn't solid.

So what was the point of your question, other than to make the op feel bad?

Fuck NO. He’s a total cunt.

It's a "fuck NO" from me

This is a procedure YOU are undergoing, he just doesn't want to look like the bastard here

He is though

Take your mum or someone else you can trust to be there for you

You do whatever you want to do.

It doesn’t matter what he, his family, your family or anyone else thinks.

Don’t worry about what you should do.

If you want him there for support, let him come.

If you’d rather he wasn’t there, then tell him no.

No one would ever judge you for not having him there.

Absolutely no chance, it wouldn't even be a consideration! Take someone who will support you.

I wouldn’t even consider this, it’s not some event to go and view and ‘experience’
it’s a major surgery for you.

If you can have another supportive birth partner that would be best and if you can’t the midwives will step up and offer you that support, I’d prefer that than some angry cold man that abandoned you whilst you’re pregnant instead of trying to learn to control his anger and work on your relationship. If he cannot be there for you through the pregnancy he can’t just decide to be there when you’re at your most vulnerable, just for his own benefit.

100% no, I would keep him at arms length only see him when I had to and never never have him back he's an arsehole