I don't think I want my mum to be my birth partner

[megadreamer8]

Hi. I'm planning to try for my first baby.

I (32F) fell pregnant last year which resulted in an early miscarriage. Anyhow before the loss my mum automatically volunteered to be at the birth. She was quite enthusiastic about being there.

This is nice and all, cause she's experienced. So it would be helpful. But I don't think I want her there.

My reasons:

1. I feel uncomfortable about her seeing my parts in such a way. I know it's natural but I feel I am quite prudish and prefer to keep it between me and my partner. It will be hard enough showing midwives but somehow that feels less worse than my own mum seeing. As I'd worry she would remember. And talk about it to others after (the birth). I remember asking her not to tell anyone when I started my period and she told others.

2. My mum in general is a nice person who speaks about people in mostly a positive way. She clearly admires some people. We have a decent relationship but sometimes she gives off a bit of a superior vibe. Like she is quite vain about herself and makes out that nobody could deal with the stresses she has had to endure. She sort of downplays a lot of the times I have helped her too and makes out she has done most things solo.
   I feel like if she came to my birth or witnessed me in those first few days she would point out what she did better or what she put up with and how hard it was for her etc and basically make the whole thing about her.

3. She has adhd and a short attention span and often ignores me for her phone, social media and constantly has relationship dramas etc. Obviously noone is perfect but sometimes I feel only interesting to her if I have something dramatic happening. We don't often discuss my feelings in detail and our conversations are usually more about her or other people. I don't want my birth to be a source of entertainment for her. I can imagine her videoing me in embarrassing states and showing her partner/friends/laughing about it and me not feeling comfortable. She often pushes me to take pictures with her when I don't look my best.

4. when I mentioned wanting a water birth, she said "OH NO you don't want one of those!"
   I said, "why not? I like the idea." And then she mentioned wanting one for herself but never being able to have one. So strange that she was against me having one.

She is a fine mum and there are definitely worse mum's out there, but as much as we get on I sometimes feel like my mum doesn't have my best interest at heart, all of the time anyway. I don't know.

In a way I'd like the privacy of just me and my partner. But sometimes I think it would be useful to have my mum's expertise and support. It's a shame I don't feel a very maternal bond from her and she feels more like a big sister that is too wrapped up in her own life.

Don't have anymore there that you might be uncomfortable being naked in front of. I only had DH with me for my births and never regretted it. Your midwife will have far more expertise than your mum and will be very supportive. Keep those moments between you and your DH. It's your baby. You don't need the strain of worrying about someone else during labour. What does your DH think

Thank you for the advice! :)

He thinks it should be between us. He isn't a huge fan of my mum because of the way she has treated me at times. I have mixed feelings because a part of me would like to have her there to vouch for me if I need, as I believe she cares enough about me to not want me in pain. And she may have a better handle on things just cause she's been there herself. I know the midwives are trained and I should trust them. I have a bit of a trust issue with health care staff I think as I've seen family members not receive the best care. It's a bit of a catch 22. I think deep down I don't want my mum belittling me in any way or seeing me naked and finding a way to joke about me or pull me down in a subtle way.

Op, don't give this anymore headspace. When the time comes, tell your mother that this will be a private experience between you and your husband. Don't turn it into a debate or apologise for your choices. It's clear that having your mother their will not benefit you.

The role of the birth partner is to support you and advocate for you, it doesn't sound like she would do this for you so 100% no!

I personally feel like I wouldn't have wanted my mum there (and she wasn't), my partner was so loving snd supportive and that's absolutely what I needed.

I’d say she shouldn’t be there. It’s a really sensitive time.

Thank you aquamarine, I'll try and leave the concern behind for now. Thank you. It's something that goes through my mind and I think I just needed to vent. I also wonder why she told me not to have a water birth (when apparently she wanted one), sometimes I just don't get why I'm not more of a priority to her. I feel like she cares more about herself in most situations and I guess this ties in with why I don't want my birth to just be entertainment for her.

I hear of people having their mum's there and wondered if that was the norm. So it's reassuring to know others feel the same as me.

As soon as my mum said she would be there for the birth, pretty much as soon as she found out I was pregnant (I told her I was scared of birth), I remember feeling against the idea. Sadly.

This might be helpful to you

My DP’s mum was very similar.

Thank you! I'll have a watch, it sounds interesting.

My mum is very young for her age. She had me young and was good to me in plenty of ways, very easy going and not strict. Which was great as a kid but hasn't done me any favors, lacking discipline. She sort of didn't have much of a life before having kids so basically always had to have her weekends free to party/do whatever and basically feels like I grew up alongside her growing up.

Just don't tell her you're in labour until the baby is out. Honestly. Otherwise she'll be either sulking at the other side of the door or trying to worm her way in. Just avoid the topic until then.

You admit your DH doesn’t want your mother at the birth.

It is a special time for you and DH. Your mother can wait until you’re ready to let her meet your new arrival.

I feel sorry for him that you are even considering her being there. Your poor DH must feel awful.

I'm guessing as part of her adhd she often announces what's happening without considering others may not want what she wants.

Birth is a very animalistic thing to go through, it will hurt, you may swear/cry/shout. You may poo/wee yourself. You may have to make quick decisions about birthing/pain relief. You only want people there who will support you and you feel 100%!comfortable with.

When you announce your pregnancy she will likely mention it again, you are forewarned now and can have a prepared response.

"It's kind of you to offer mum but it will be me and dh only at the birth."

Saying that I'm really hoping my dd will aak me. I've mentioned hypothetically I'd love to but I absolutely wouldn't mention it in reality as it's totally her choice and I wouldn't want her to feel obligated to agree.

You’re way overthinking it. She doesn’t need to be there. Just tell her straight that you only want your DH there.

I’d also stop overthinking about things until you actually conceive.

I can’t imagine anything worse than having my mum with me when I gave birth. Just tell her that you’re grateful for the offer, but you and your partner have discussed it and it’s something you want to do together.

My mum had me at 18 and were very close but she'd never announce she would be there at the birth. She would only if I asked her. I think you need to say gently that this is just a time for you and DH.

It’s not normal for mums to be in there. I only know of one mum who went and the partner felt pushed out. They divorced not long after. Mum took I’ve the childcare and interfered.

Most woman have their partners or friends.

It’s your choice. You don’t have to tell her you’re in labour.

If her first words finding out you’re pregnant is the birth - I think you need to ensure there are more boundries in place.

It’s mostly the younger ladies who have their mums there. Common in those not in a long term relationship. Rare for married couples over 30.
there’s no way I would have wanted my mum there.
your body, your choice

I can’t think of anything worse than having my mother there while giving birth (to be fair, this may be to do with my mother rather than anyone else’s, but the point stands!). If you don’t want it and your DH doesn’t want it, then it doesn’t happen. Just don’t tell her you’re in labour!

Having my mum at the birth wouldn't be something I wanted either, I feel its a private moment between myself and my husband, I would feel awkward and not comfortable if anyone else was there including my own mum, lucky for me she has never assumed that she will be and she has the same beliefs as me so it's never come up

She sounds very similar to my mum. Quite narcissistic and immature. Don't have her there, for the love of god.

I hear you. I can't imagine much worse than having my mother at the births of my children. She'd have made it all about her. It doesn't bear thinking about.

You don't need to tell her anything until nearer the time. You can either be brave and tell her you only want your DH with you, or you can tell her that it's hospital policy to only have one birth partner (unless she's the type to phone up and check!) Or don't tell her until the baby has actually arrived.

Your choice, totally.

No way would I have had my mum at either of my births. Not a chance. I think it's absolutely fine for you to do whatever you want and whatever makes you feel comfortable.

It’s you and your husband having the baby not you and your mum. Just say, thanks but no thanks. We’d like it just to be the two of us.

Quite a lot of people do have a second birth partner and of those that do, this is usually the woman's mother. However most people only have their partner there. I don't think any of my friends thinking about it had anyone but their partner with them actually. I love my DM but no way would I have wanted her at a birth and tbf she wouldn't have wanted to be there anyway haha (very squeamish!).

I had my first baby almost 6 weeks ago now. My mum is my absolute best friend but I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of her being at the birth. She really wanted to be there but never out any pressure on it, just kind of assumed she would be, and said to call her if and when we needed her. I knelt wanted it to be me and my partner there and that's exactly what we did. I don't have a single regret