I don't think I want my mum to be my birth partner

[megadreamer8]

Hi. I'm planning to try for my first baby.

I (32F) fell pregnant last year which resulted in an early miscarriage. Anyhow before the loss my mum automatically volunteered to be at the birth. She was quite enthusiastic about being there.

This is nice and all, cause she's experienced. So it would be helpful. But I don't think I want her there.

My reasons:

1. I feel uncomfortable about her seeing my parts in such a way. I know it's natural but I feel I am quite prudish and prefer to keep it between me and my partner. It will be hard enough showing midwives but somehow that feels less worse than my own mum seeing. As I'd worry she would remember. And talk about it to others after (the birth). I remember asking her not to tell anyone when I started my period and she told others.

2. My mum in general is a nice person who speaks about people in mostly a positive way. She clearly admires some people. We have a decent relationship but sometimes she gives off a bit of a superior vibe. Like she is quite vain about herself and makes out that nobody could deal with the stresses she has had to endure. She sort of downplays a lot of the times I have helped her too and makes out she has done most things solo.
   I feel like if she came to my birth or witnessed me in those first few days she would point out what she did better or what she put up with and how hard it was for her etc and basically make the whole thing about her.

3. She has adhd and a short attention span and often ignores me for her phone, social media and constantly has relationship dramas etc. Obviously noone is perfect but sometimes I feel only interesting to her if I have something dramatic happening. We don't often discuss my feelings in detail and our conversations are usually more about her or other people. I don't want my birth to be a source of entertainment for her. I can imagine her videoing me in embarrassing states and showing her partner/friends/laughing about it and me not feeling comfortable. She often pushes me to take pictures with her when I don't look my best.

4. when I mentioned wanting a water birth, she said "OH NO you don't want one of those!"
   I said, "why not? I like the idea." And then she mentioned wanting one for herself but never being able to have one. So strange that she was against me having one.

She is a fine mum and there are definitely worse mum's out there, but as much as we get on I sometimes feel like my mum doesn't have my best interest at heart, all of the time anyway. I don't know.

In a way I'd like the privacy of just me and my partner. But sometimes I think it would be useful to have my mum's expertise and support. It's a shame I don't feel a very maternal bond from her and she feels more like a big sister that is too wrapped up in her own life.

Why use the word weird just because you wouldn't do something?

My partner is very lovely and I know he would take care of me well. A part of me worries that he wouldn't really have a clue what to do in certain situations though and I guess that's where I would want someone more knowledgeable. But I guess that's where the medical staff come in. I'm a little apprehensive about them because I know about family members being neglected by doctors and that worries me.

@K0OLA1D that's just that poster's feelings though, they're allowed them.

OP I love my mum and she has had a LOT of kids and is very experienced but there's no way I'd have had her at my births, it's too intimate, definitely not for me, I would have hated it. It's a perfectly normal way to feel.

That's exactly the description. Too intimate. I remember being at work and a lady saying they couldn't wait to see a baby come out of their daughter's vagina and that sentence freaked me out 😅 I know it's totally natural, but yeah, I feel like some things should be private.

I was dd's birth partner, I didn't offer or ask, she asked me. It was a massive privilege to see dgs take his first breath. I don't think it's your mum's place to invite herself it has to be your choice. FWIW I haven't told anyone anything about dgs's birth other than dd was incredible and much better at it than me.

Aww. You've obviously always filled your daughter with reassurance and love. That is very special & sweet. :)

I can use whatever word I like. It is weird as far as I am concerned.

It's not remotely weird. It was pretty common place not that many years ago.

Yanbu

I wouldn't want my mum to see me giving birth either or see my dds giving birth myself

I had complications at DS’s birth, had to trust the professionals to deal with what was happening. DH was my birthing partner but even if I had had my DM there, she wouldn’t have known what to do/advise. In fact I wouldn’t have wanted DM there at the time as she would have been worrying about me.

I Could tell her about the complications once birth was over and everything was sorted (and down played it slightly!)

@megadreamer8 your DM does not sound like a suitable person to have around at the birth. Stick with just your partner.

We didn’t tell anyone I was in labour, although it was quite quick and kicked off at 3am and DS was born at 6am, so didn’t really have time to tell anyone even if we had wanted to (and not sure people would have appreciated the 3am wake up call!)

In that poster's opinion it's weird, she isn't saying it's factually weird and everyone must feel the same way. Why do you have such an issue with someone finding it a weird scenario?

They called it weird. Sorry, is it just me that isn't allowed an opinion. Are we not allowed to disagree? I asked why they used the word weird, when for a lot of people it's common or normal.

Me too. Everyone finds things that other people find normal to be weird. It's weird to me, it isn't weird to others.

Is it more unusual perhaps

I'm quite prudish and would only want DH there

Their sentence literally starts with "I think." It was clearly an opinion.

OK? And I asked why they chose the word 'weird', is that OK with you?

You also followed up with "it's not remotely weird" as if it's fact which strikes me as you're policing someone else's opinion. You can have as many opinions as you like but don't seem to understand everyone else has that same right. I think it's weird too, is that ok with you?

It was commonplace only because men were not allowed. It was commonplace when most women gave birth (and then died) at home.

The world has moved on. Men are now considered relevant to the birth of their children, men are actually hands on with childcare.

I would never have wanted anyone there except my DH. Unless you're exceptionally close to your mum, I think that's the norm.

I loved having just me and husband. We made the baby on our own we can birth it alone too 🤣🤣. On a more serious note it allowed my husband the chance to step up and be part of the birth. He was amazing and was such a good support. I wouldn't want anyone else there and it's not wrong to want that

This is one of those times where you get to have what you want and not please other people. My own dm had a row with me before I was even planning kids about being at my first birth. I said no and I stuck to it. She has ptsd from a difficult birth of her own and goes to pieces in stressful situations, not what I would need. She was livid because this was of course all about her.

Do not do it. My mother wasn't at births for the reasons you described. She told me i shouldn't tell anyone I'd had an epidural in case they thought I wasn't brave. She tried to talk me into a CS with my first just to avoid labour and made fun of me for only going for a natural labour 'to be like all of your friends'. She fell out with me in grand style coming up to my due date, then again when I was 3 weeks PP. She's the last person I would want near me in labour.

Op you have to be with someone who has your back 100 percent.

I don't think the husband's views trump the OPs as the one giving birth so if Op had wanted her mother there that would trump her husbands opinion but as OP doesn't that should be the final word on it

In terms of birth, it doesn't what your mum or your DH wants. What matters is what you want. Make that happen.

I completely disagree with that.

Any woman who wants their mother present against the wishes of their DH should be expecting a divorce.