I don't think I want my mum to be my birth partner

[megadreamer8]

Hi. I'm planning to try for my first baby.

I (32F) fell pregnant last year which resulted in an early miscarriage. Anyhow before the loss my mum automatically volunteered to be at the birth. She was quite enthusiastic about being there.

This is nice and all, cause she's experienced. So it would be helpful. But I don't think I want her there.

My reasons:

1. I feel uncomfortable about her seeing my parts in such a way. I know it's natural but I feel I am quite prudish and prefer to keep it between me and my partner. It will be hard enough showing midwives but somehow that feels less worse than my own mum seeing. As I'd worry she would remember. And talk about it to others after (the birth). I remember asking her not to tell anyone when I started my period and she told others.

2. My mum in general is a nice person who speaks about people in mostly a positive way. She clearly admires some people. We have a decent relationship but sometimes she gives off a bit of a superior vibe. Like she is quite vain about herself and makes out that nobody could deal with the stresses she has had to endure. She sort of downplays a lot of the times I have helped her too and makes out she has done most things solo.
   I feel like if she came to my birth or witnessed me in those first few days she would point out what she did better or what she put up with and how hard it was for her etc and basically make the whole thing about her.

3. She has adhd and a short attention span and often ignores me for her phone, social media and constantly has relationship dramas etc. Obviously noone is perfect but sometimes I feel only interesting to her if I have something dramatic happening. We don't often discuss my feelings in detail and our conversations are usually more about her or other people. I don't want my birth to be a source of entertainment for her. I can imagine her videoing me in embarrassing states and showing her partner/friends/laughing about it and me not feeling comfortable. She often pushes me to take pictures with her when I don't look my best.

4. when I mentioned wanting a water birth, she said "OH NO you don't want one of those!"
   I said, "why not? I like the idea." And then she mentioned wanting one for herself but never being able to have one. So strange that she was against me having one.

She is a fine mum and there are definitely worse mum's out there, but as much as we get on I sometimes feel like my mum doesn't have my best interest at heart, all of the time anyway. I don't know.

In a way I'd like the privacy of just me and my partner. But sometimes I think it would be useful to have my mum's expertise and support. It's a shame I don't feel a very maternal bond from her and she feels more like a big sister that is too wrapped up in her own life.

No thanks! Me and DH only

Is all you need to say.

I would rather have birthed alone than involve my mum, who is not a bad person but absolutely would not have been of any benefit to me in that situation whatsoever, she would have fussed and annoyed me.

The only people you want are qualified or there to support you and whose presence will actually improve your sense of comfort and security. Nothing that would be distracting

Isn't it normally just your partner?

I personally can’t think of anything worse than having my mum (or MIL for that matter) there for any birth. Even if DH couldn’t be there, I’d rather just be with the midwives.

@megadreamer8 Yes, your mum has experience childbirth - but I’m sure most of those here who have given birth would agree with me that every single birth is different anyway. What works for one woman won’t work for another so unless you feel that she’s the best person to advocate for you if you needed it then I’d completely forget about the idea of having her there.

My advice would be - when the time comes that you are in the position to be making decisions about a birth, do lots of research with your DH. I found the Positive Birth Company digital pack to be so useful. It’s a hypnobirthing course and while I wasn’t on board with all aspects of hypnobirthing, it had lots of information about what’s happening to your body during each stage and about pain relief options etc which DH and I both found really useful. Provided you and DH have a normal loving relationship and you have no reason to believe that he wouldn’t cope in the situation then really, there should be nobody better to advocate than yourself and your DH!

You don't trust her so don't have her there. My mother has some similar traits. She was at my sister's birth so it was raised as a possibility for me too... I shut the idea down immediately. She often stresses me out and she struggles with emotional regulation when she gets stressed so wouldn't be a calming presence.
FWIW I'm struggling to think of any friends who had their mothers present. I don't think it's the norm if you are in a relationship.

My god I couldn't think of anything worse than having my Mum there, and we get along OK. I just had baby's Dad there, even though we weren't getting along at the time. I just had him there for baby No2 also. It helped that BabyNo1 was born immediately post lockdown so u were still only allowed one birth partner.

For me it's a special, private moment for mum and dad, didn't occur to me for a second to need another birthing partner, I'd worry DH would feel pushed out, and he was all the support I needed.

You've had loads of great advice on here. Perhaps think also about your boundaries with your Mum when the baby is born? Good luck!

God no. Just have the baby and tell her afterwards.

I had no idea it was a thing for mums to be there till I started watching One Born Every Minute. I don't know anyone who wanted their mum there. I find it weird.

To add to my previous post, my Mum didn't want to be there either and her Mum wasn't present either. Each to their own but as pp said, think about your boundaries with your Mum as she's likely to tread on your toes once the baby is born.

Yes, this exactly. She has some very nice traits and we get on, but obviously I know the layers of her personality and that narcissism/immaturity is often highlighted. She regularly argues and falls out with her partner and often I think to myself 'you probably made that situation worse' when she tells me what happened. She loves drama and I think it's her adhd/she was very spoilt as a child so is a bit entitled about things. Expects things. She had me very young and didn't really live her own life so it is sometimes like she is still growing up. I find it frustrating because as much as I care about her, I don't feel like I can really go to her or feel like she would put me totally first in a situation. It always feels like things about her. An example, if I needed something from the shop she would take me but would always tell me to pick her something up too. If she didn't need anything she would either find an excuse to not take me or she would be really funny about it and make me feel bad/tell me to rush because of something (her back will start hurting if she is sitting in the car waiting for too long). It's all very one sided, like I can do her a favour but if she does me one there seems to be a catch.

OP, please don’t have her there. With my first my mum was present and she got to hold my first baby before me and it hurt. She still mentions it to this day and I really regret it. My next 2 were with my husband and I, and I actually enjoyed it so much more

I don't want my birth to be a source of entertainment for her. I can imagine her videoing me in embarrassing states and showing her partner/friends/laughing about it and me not feeling comfortable. She often pushes me to take pictures with her when I don't look my best.

Good grief. If you can’t trust your mum not to behave like this, then don’t even think about having her there. Your birthing partner(s) are there to be support you, not to watch the baby being born. You need someone who you feel safe and comfortable with.

Yeah tons do, I've noticed it seems to be sort of 50 50 of the experiences I've heard about, mothers being generally the obvious choice. It's nice and all because they are their mum and should be supportive. I'm sure my mum would be supportive in lots of ways. There's just a side of her that I don't fully trust to keep things private. I feel like she'd be reeling off the experience to everyone and embarrassing me.

Oh that's sad. Thank you for your input. That would bother me too. Try and let it go, and at least you had more positive experiences after. It's funny isn't it that we feel these things about our own mum's. It makes me feel determined to not be a bother for my own children, hopefully. I want to just put them totally first.

Your vagina, your guest list 🙂

Very true, yeah she has a caring lovely side to her, and she's generally a nice person. But as her daughter I've seen another part of her and as much as it would help having her there for the medical things, as I have a lot of anxiety, I just don't really trust her to not talk about it afterwards.

Just tell her you will only have your DH there and she can see you and baby later. If your DH is there I don't see point of having a birth partner. I think you have to be frank with her and stand up for yourself or you will end up having issues with her years to come.

Hahaha!!!

I had my mum there for both births. DP almost missed DS 2 being born!! But that was my choice and I wanted her there. You don't and it is 100% your choice.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it. And just say you would prefer it just to be you and OH.

Good luck!

I've never been too good at standing up for myself. Everyone calls me a pushover. I always put myself last too, with friends and family. Tbh, I am only starting to really assess why I am the way I am and I do believe it's partly down to the way my mum has treated me. I've never felt like a real priority to her due to some factors growing up and the way she's treated me. I helped her a lot with my younger siblings that have complex needs as she was a single mum (their dad disappeared, very useless) and she barely acknowledges my part in helping, I had to step up when their dad left our house and when I moved out I still was often used as a babysitter. But she makes out to people I was briefly around when I went out of my way to help for years, giving up many weekends in my teens and twenties, almost breaking me and my partner up as he found it tough that I'd always agree to help and we didn't just get to be alone. My mum likes to make out she did everything on her own.
I find it hard to stick up for myself. I pointed out something to her recently that she does "wrong" and she can't take any criticism, she instantly finds a way to turn it around and insult me or others. She won't be told anything.

Hell would freeze over before my Mum was in the room.

Your DH should be just as capable when it comes to advocating for you, when the time comes consider some antenatal classes and definitely BOTH read some books to prepare yourselves for all eventualities, and make sure you discuss your preferences both in an ideal world and if you need to go to plan b, c or d.

(For example you might start with hoping for a natural water birth, but also think about and discuss what you'd want in the event you end up with a c-section or other intervention, so you're both fully prepared for every scenario).

I love my mum but there is no way I wanted her there for any of my births or at the hospital afterwards. Dh had to go home and look after the other dc as soon as I got back from theatre with my youngest. The midwife kept saying are you sure you don't want your mum here and I kept saying no, I'd rather be on my own.

I think if you have a normal, loving, supportive partner that can be present then it is bloody weird to have anyone else to there.

I love my mum, we have a great relationship but absolutely no way was it even a consideration to have her there. It was me and DH and that’s it.

It’s not a spectator sport.

Great advice, I have bought a ton of books and will probably buy more 😅 I have started watching birthing videos that I avoided for many years 🤣 I really want to be as clued up as possible.