How do I come to terms with my traumatic birth?

[toffeeapplee]

I had a really traumatic birth with my DC three years ago, I was resolute that I wanted an intervention free vaginal birth, but then went 2 weeks past my due date and felt like I was under immense pressure to be induced. In the end I reluctantly agreed, but the whole thing turned into an unpleasant cascade of interventions where I basically felt completely out of control, unheard and unimportant. Ended in emergency forceps due to baby being in distress. Immediately after the birth I was relieved and slightly euphoric (I think it was the hormones and that we were both 'ok'), but looking back the whole thing was hugely traumatic and has left me with ongoing and very upsetting pelvic floor issues. I regret the whole thing so much and just wish I had been more informed beforehand, with hindsight I would have chosen an elective section. I don't know how to come to terms with this and I'm very unlikely to have another child now.

So sorry you had that experience OP. You can get psychological therapy to help you process and move past that traumatic experience, if you feel able to revisit it and work through it.

I'm really sorry this happened OP.

I sense that you have some guilt about:

-wanting an unassisted birth; and
-accepting an induction

As for the second of these, there is a risk of placenta failing. I went overdue by 2 weeks and had a lot of pressure to induce.

In my case, I had a failed induction and an EMCS (she was back to back and nearly 10lb - I think I didn't go into labour because she was in a bad position and just couldn't move down from where she was wedged in). The midwives ignored me, treated me like a piece of meat and abused me for not pushing hard enough, then I went down to the operating theatre to determine whether it was forceps or Caesarian and the consultant said there was no way baby would come out even with forceps so EMCS for me. I think it was right to decide not to wait at 42 weeks, as I really had tried everything and it was likely best for my baby.

Initially, I did feel I had failed and I hated that the lengthy birth and c section left me with a dodgy core, but I don't so much any more. It did take me a while though.

I don't think you should feel guilt about not wanting intervention but accepting it in your situation - it's how our system manipulates you. There's a lot of pressure to try without assistance, but our healthcare system doesn't really triage women to help create reasonable expectations about what is achievable for a given birth and a lot of the compassion has been stripped out of it. I think the description of the induction process is dishonest about how medicalised and bleak it can be.

On the pelvic floor front, have you tried Restore Your Core? I have found it mentally and physically healing

I think we fool pregnant women into thinking giving birth is in their control. It does my nut. It's a medical procedure and the people delivering your baby want the best for you and your baby. This is their job. They do it all day everyday.

I went along with the crap, did nct, wrote a birth plan which included all sorts of dolphin music. Then both children were born with emergency assistance (ventouse and forceps). And both did some serious damage to me.

My words of wisdom would be to accept your birth experience was shit. Talk to more people about their shit experience (I know 2 people who had a dolphins music experience.. and 300 who didn't. Then focus on your child.

Can I say shit again? Giving birth is shit and there is this weird conspiracy to not tell people.

Hi OP, sorry to hear your experience. I had a very traumatic birth with dd2, massive blood loss and ended up in high dependency unit. Was too poorly to even feed my baby.
I really struggled afterwards, and was invited by the hospital to have a post birth debrief. It was with one of the senior midwives, and I found it really helpful. Maybe worth contacting where you gave birth to see if they can do the same.
It has got easier for me over time, but even now several years later I still get upset on her birthday as it is the day I almost died.

@KatyN
I fully agree with your post. I think you have to go into childbirth with your eyes wide open fully realising it's going to be horrendous and be grateful if it isn't.

Sorry to hear of your experience. It’s really awful when you feel unheard especially during such a vulnerable moment such as childbirth.

To help deal with my first birth which was extremely traumatic due to so many reasons. I had:

A debrief with the Consultant who’s care I was under which was arranged by my midwife.
A meeting with the Matron of the Postnatal ward.
A meeting with the Head of Anaesthetics who was based in the hospital.
An extremely detailed complaint (written by my myself and my aunt) which I sent to PALS.
CBT Therapy which was free through IAPT. My therapist was amazing and I still keep in touch with her now.
I’m also two years into a negligence claim against the NHS because of what happened to me.

Funnily enough, I got pregnant 3 months after my traumatic birth. With the help of my GP and therapist, I was able to give birth at a different hospital via a planned C Section. I also had physiological birth plan which stated what I went through previously and how I wanted my second time round to be different. It really emphasised how much I needed to be listened too and not rushed when it came to certain decisions. It was a perfect birth but DS was in NICU for a long time so that’s the only reason why it was awful.

I said a lot of irrelevant things there sorry! But see if you can have a debrief with the hospital as that’s a good opportunity to speak up for yourself and speak through what happened and why. A complaint to PALS would also be a really good thing to do but only if you’re able to relive everything and type it out. Is therapy an option? If your baby is under 1 then you’ll be on the waiting list for a very short time as pregnant women and women who have had a baby in the last 12 months are considered to be a priority.

Don’t let this experience make you not want to have another child if that’s something that you do want. You really can have a great experience next time round💐 feel free to PM me if you want x

I get the same.MyDS1 is nearly 54 and every birthday he has had is also the anniversary of the day he and I nearly died.I try and keep it to myself.
He went into transverse lie in labour and the EMCS needed to deliver him nearly killed us both.

Oops just saw your DC is 3 years old. I think you have to have a debrief and complain to PALS within a certain time frame so my advice is slightly irrelevant.

You won’t be a priority for therapy but you can still look into it and join the waiting list? CBT for trauma is absolutely amazing and life changing. I couldn’t recommend it enough

we fool pregnant women into thinking giving birth is in their control

100% agree with this by @KatyN and I went on about it after my first birth.

You've got no control whatsoever how your birth goes. That's it. None. It is pure luck.

You get women who have easy births (and I'm really glad for them) who think it's because they sat on the birth ball or took their multivitamin. It isn't. They were lucky and thank god at least some women have ok experiences.

And yes, I really, really blame my NCT course. That stupid course honestly convinced me, a science graduate over 30yo, that if I just breathed well enough then I'd be so relaxed I wouldn't need interventions.

@nildesparandum I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience too, but thanks for sharing. It's comforting to know someone else feels the same on birthdays.

Like others have said, birth trauma is so rarely talked about, yet it happens to so many women. Ante-natal classes were all about breathing, nothing prepared me for what could go wrong, naively I hadn't even considered that I would need EMCS.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know what that immense pressure feels like and it makes me so angry that they do that.

Memories fade with time ime. Especially as you are then busy with a growing and changing baby. But perhaps some counselling would help.
imv giving birth is a pretty big life changing event -especially nowadays when we are given painkillers or anaesthetised for other painful, frightening body events. It’s a shock but you can’t go round telling pregnant women of all the possible less than straightforward outcomes -they’d be terrified! So we are left in the dark ….

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear you went through this.

Have you had a birth debrief/birth reflections appointment? This is where you have a meeting with a midwife to discuss your medical notes. I found out a few new things from my appointment that i’d been unaware of at the time of the birth.

Some therapy may also be useful if you want to refer yourself to talking therapies.

As PPs have rightly said, how your birth goes isn’t really in your control, and the process wrongly makes you think you will be. I remember being told at my booking appointment that I would be ideal to give birth in the MLU. What actually happened was that I also went 2 weeks overdue, had a failed induction and an EMCS.

So the first thing is to maybe come to terms with the fact that your expectation to have an intervention-free birth may have not been realistic.

My advice would be to not feel guilty about needing/having an induction. As PP has said, the longer you go overdue, the higher the risk of your placenta failing. I gave birth at 42 weeks and my placenta was indeed failing, but this can be difficult to detect unless you have specific scans. I believe the NICE guidelines recently changed to say that ideally, women should not be induced beyond 41 weeks due to the increased risk of going to 42 weeks. So although the process was traumatic, it was a positive thing to ensure a safe delivery for your child.

The issue of forceps vs section is one to discuss during a birth reflections appointment. You should have been given the option to decline forceps and it might be good to talk through how these options/risks would have been presented to you at the time. A big part of my complaint was that I wasn’t given enough medical advice to make informed decisions.

I'm sorry OP that sounds like a really hard birth. Not sure if it helps but I had a very similar birth 3 years ago. Covid played a huge part in it too. I've just had another and ended up with an emergency c section after being induced again due to having a huge baby. It was so much 'worse' of a birth but it was the most healing experience because covid wasn't around and I kind of knew what to expect.

I also did birth reflections/ stories after my first which just helped me understand a lot.

Also to add I was offered forceps this time and declined and had a c section, but ended up with forceps.... In my c section. Yup, its a thing. I had a very big baby though

A few years ago I started a foundation degree with the NCT to become a antenatal practitioner and although I completed the first year I didn’t go back and complete the course because I had no interest in becoming part of the cult.

I was horrified with the “perfect birth” dream they peddled and I felt so angry with them for all the emotional damage they must be responsible for when it comes to women who didn’t have the birth that the NCT says they must aim to have. I imagine the NCT makes many, many women feel like failures and it just wasn’t something I wanted to be part of.

I would never advise anyone to take one of their courses.

All women should know and accept that they have very limited control over birth and it’s luck of the draw as to whether their birth plan comes to fruition or not. I imagine most birth plans don’t get adhered to and this is nobodies fault but purely because birth is unpredictable and dangerous at times and nothing can be planned.

I’m so sorry you are feeling the way you are OP and I think you should seek professional support to talk through your feelings because you did absolutely nothing wrong and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for xx

Same here 😂

My baby got wedged in the incision line so they had to use forceps to get him out as well 😂

Similar experience to me and I am still not over it (dc is 11). I fully drank the hypnobirth kool aid and was booked in for a home birth, except DC was breech. Hospital advised an elective section, I demanded to go into Labour naturally and try for a vaginal breech birth. Went over due, wound up with a fairly hairy emergency section - I did indeed go into Labour naturally but DC got stuck, and as you can’t use forceps on a bum the only option was a surgically very challenging c section on a baby that was half way out. I was lucky to avoid a general.

The point is, the cascade of intervention is hippy bollocks. I would have done everyone a favour by getting over myself and having an elective section.

I got pregnant again easily and had second DC by forceps - again I was attempting a VBAC.

I still can’t shake the sense of failure that I didn’t have a lovely natural water birth with either of mine, and thought that the drug laden epidural (I had fentanyl for crying out loud) was the best thing ever. I have 2 perfectly healthy and amazing children, no lasting complications and yet I still feel guilt and a bit of shame, which I attribute entirely to the propaganda of the hypnobirthing/natural birth bollocks crowd

And let’s not even go there with breastfeeding! So all I can offer is some solidarity.

I agree that too much emphasis is put on the woman having a birthing plan/control when with me and the majority of my friends we’ve ended up with an induction, extremely long labour, emergency section or forceps and it’s been very different to what we had planned/hoped for. Of course we should be able to have an informed and very rough preference, but I think more emphasis should be put on the fact that there is a very very high chance it will go differently.

For me, I was initially disappointed not to have the water birth I had hoped for, but ultimately I’ve been able to move past it quickly. I think my realisation is that many years ago without the medical care we have now both baby and I would most definitely have died. I’m a pretty chilled person in general though and don’t tend to overthink things. Friends have had postnatal therapy (either nhs and/or private) and have found it hugely beneficial for them to move past.

Ultimately, don’t blame yourself for having the induction. Going overdue for longer can be very dangerous for the baby with the placenta deteriorating. There’s always a what if. But that what if could be far more devastating than the actual outcome. You did what was best for you and your baby.

Also, if you did want a second baby, you can absolutely request a planned section next time.

All of this.
I did NCT, birth plan etc - in the end it was blue light ambulance to hospital, no pain relief, ultimately ventouse delivery, then extreme blood loss and high dependency unit, then after being sent home another haemorrhage and ambulance trip and another near-death experience. I am traumatised by the blood loss and have chosen not to have any more periods (mini birth control pill), and my DH decided we wouldn't have any more children (so we have one). I try to put it all behind me and focus on the fact that we all survived, and almost every other mother I know had a traumatic experience in some way, aside from a couple. But you may benefit from counselling and other suggestions on here OP. You're not alone, good luck, it's difficult - childbirth is just the beginning!

Op I could have written your post. I wanted a few babies rather than one, and I was heart broken after the first birth as I couldn’t see how I could ever go through such trauma again. Recovery was horrendous too after my forceps experience. However, for me, I complained a few months after when I felt a bit stronger mentally, had a debrief and spent a few more months basically coming to terms with what happened and fixing the damage I could that was done to my body. But I am now on my third pregnancy and things are so much better. I still have fear that someone who has only had a nice birth could avoid, but I’m ok and that fear is more an I hope history won’t repeat itself thing. Because I complained initially, I have much better care now as I had on my second baby. The hospital have brought me in for meetings to reassure me what happened before will not happen again. I guess a bit of it is that I didn’t take legal action but in theory still could and they perhaps are aware of that, but all the same, on the second birth it was totally different and how things should be. I also didn’t need a forceps that time and had an early epidural so no real pain bar niggles at the start with contractions. It’s awful being at the start though of the recovery process, and it’s mental torture at first effectively reliving what happened every time birth is mentioned or in my case even seeing a pregnant lady panicked me as I didn’t see her, I just thought back to my awful experience. All that is gone now though despite me thinking I would never be the same again or be capable of another pregnancy as the thought was too terrifying.

I am sorry you are struggling…I would try to find a Therapist who specialises in this, looking at the BACP website and Counselling Directory 💐

Both me and my baby almost died with heart rates down to 21 bpm and had to have an emergency crash c.section. I think I had a panic attack a few days later, trying to process everything, and spoke to a midwife who was very supportive.

Fortunately, I soon moved past the whole experience and am grateful that I have a healthy daughter (albeit she does have a heart condition but is supported with lifelong medication).

Similar experience. Induced, quick labour, but 2 hours of pushing without pain relief. DS was back to back but no one told me that sand I just didn't realise in the thick of it. Had a 2nd degree tear. They injected some sort of pain relief which hurt like fuck, then I felt every stitch going in. I didn't realise how much it was effecting me until I got pregnant with number 2. I had a fairly poor experience at a scan, and after that I switched hospitals to a known midwife scheme. So when I went into labour it would be one of them delivering me. They were horrified by how I was treated, so when nr2 wasn't progressing and the drs came in they really pushed for pain relief and for me to make the decisions. The birth was much more physically traumatic (BtB, retained placenta) but my god I felt SO MUCH BETTER than I did with the first.

Thank you for all the replies.. I'm so sorry to read about others also having a traumatic experience, although it is oddly comforting to know I'm not alone. I don't really have anyone I can talk openly about my experience, it still makes me quite emotional to think about and feels like a very personal story. I deeply regret falling victim to the hypnobirthing trap, someone else mentioned this, I based my birth plan around the stupid "perfect" vaginal birth where I would breathe out my baby all on my own. I took a whole course on this, as well as doing NCT.. I still can't believe how unprepared for the reality of birth this actually left me. I followed the whole "avoid negative birth stories and engage only with positive prior to giving birth" which just ended up blindsiding me. I wish someone had just sat me down and given me some stats or cold hard facts about the reality of it all.. I did have birth debrief(s) and also saw a psychologist the first year after birth which did help at the time, but I still feel haunted by it and worry I won't ever be able to come to terms with it? I am surrounded by friends and colleagues who are having their second babies now and just feel I can't escape the trauma flashbacks.

stupid "perfect" vaginal birth where I would breathe out my baby all on my own

I'm really sorry, op. Me too. Dh and I had our birth pool ready inflated in our living room, ready for the home birth. I'd been in early labour just a few hours before my waters broke...Then I got "significant meconium" in my waters which meant I had to go straight to hospital and then be induced and it all went downhill from there, EMCS, haemorrhage, sepsis.

And none of it was because I didn't breathe well enough. I breathed like a champ, lemme tell you.

The resentment I still feel for the whole breathing-birth thing is acute. I gave away all those hypnobirthing books to charity, but I wish I'd binned them instead because some other pregnant mum might read them and be emotionally harmed by them too!

I got flashbacks constantly for over a year.

I got some counselling/therapy. It didn't help me that much. The NHS therapist wanted to ask me all sorts of questions about my marriage and my childhood that I felt were intrusive and irrelevant to the specific trauma.

What did help:

Peer support was a miracle cure. I found this birth trauma peer support charity, and after just a few group sessions I was a different woman. Search Birth Trauma Association to see if there's anything local around you.

I also found a private counsellor who was an ex midwife specialist in birth trauma. She helped me semi-plan a birth plan for if I ever got pregnant again.

I'm now PG again and due next month, eek! I'm planning an ELCS. My flashbacks have almost completely gone.