How do I come to terms with my traumatic birth?

[toffeeapplee]

I had a really traumatic birth with my DC three years ago, I was resolute that I wanted an intervention free vaginal birth, but then went 2 weeks past my due date and felt like I was under immense pressure to be induced. In the end I reluctantly agreed, but the whole thing turned into an unpleasant cascade of interventions where I basically felt completely out of control, unheard and unimportant. Ended in emergency forceps due to baby being in distress. Immediately after the birth I was relieved and slightly euphoric (I think it was the hormones and that we were both 'ok'), but looking back the whole thing was hugely traumatic and has left me with ongoing and very upsetting pelvic floor issues. I regret the whole thing so much and just wish I had been more informed beforehand, with hindsight I would have chosen an elective section. I don't know how to come to terms with this and I'm very unlikely to have another child now.

I had a horrendous labour and birth with my first. 55 hour labour, btb baby, 2 failed epidurals, forceps, tears, blood transfusion, kidney failure, the works.

Opted for a planned section with my second. It was a complete walk in the park in comparison. Would do again and advise everyone to do same!!

Ps not to sound cheesy but mumsnet really helped me too. I don't know that many mums IRL because most of my female friends don't have kids (yet/at all). Three of the friends who do, all had lovely births: two had the birth pool home births I dreamed of, and one was in a lively private hospital but only laboured for four hours. They just couldn't understand how traumatised I was.

But I came on here and everyone just got it (that was several name changes ago so wouldn't come up on a search). And I slowly came to realise that it's totally luck. Not breathing or perineal massage or birth balls or anything (I did all that to the max), just luck.

Btw. This pregnancy I haven't touched the birth ball. Nor done kegels. No raspberry leaf tea or clary sage for me. I'm going to rock up to my ELCS and any breathing I do will be the unconscious kind.

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult labour.

I have 3 children aged 4, 2 and 11 months. My first labour was by far the worst.

I opted for an epidural as my Mum had 4 of us and she had that for each. I found the pain of childbirth unbearable. Anyway, come to the pushing stage, I pushed for 2 hours, was throwing up whilst pushing! Lovely sight! Couldn't do anything to get my son out and then had an episiotomy and he was delivered by forceps.

I then had a postpartum haemorrhage. Lost over half my blood. Emergency button was pressed to help me and my son was struggling to breath. We were both okay. I didn't hold him for 3 hours after he was born as I was so out of it.

Went into the High Dependency Unit. By some miracle I didn't need a blood transfusion and I was able to breastfeed when they handed him to me asking me to feed him. I was petrified.

Anyway, we were in hospital for a week then went home.

I was DREADING the labour of my second son. There's 22 months between them. I actually worked up until 3 days before he was born as I think I was so scared of giving birth and hadn't registered I would actually need to do it!

I went into labour and had him naturally just 6 hours later vs the 26 hours of my first labour. I never thought I would have a baby naturally ever. I was scared shitless! DH drove like a madman to get me to hospital for it and 3 hours later I pushed out our son. I didn't even have gas and air! I literally don't think I had time to process I was giving birth and I just had to do it. It was painful but the most liberating birth experience I could have imagined. Such a difference to my first. I could never have imagined having a labour that I would "enjoy" after my first horrific experience. I never ever thought I would ever do it naturally either.

My third labour was natural too although I was scared. All my boys are big. First two were 9 pounds and the third was expected to be 10 pounds!!! I was meant to be induced but he came naturally whilst I was waiting in hospital to be induced. I'm only 5"2 and 9 stone!

Just wanted to say there can be positive experiences after an horrific first. I would never have believed it to be possible but I can vouch for it. Oh and I had my second son at the same hospital if that helps you further.

Please don't feel you can't have a second child for an awful first experience. It can be a lot better I promise. I also wish someone had told me the pain doesn't increase as the contractions get quicker. The level of pain is exactly the same. I always thought it would get worse! Hope this help you a bit and any others who are worried. X

PS my sisters both had elected c-sections and had positive birth experiences. You do what is best for you. Your first labour doesn't have to define any others going forward x

Would it help to watch some programmes/documentaries about births? That way you are likely to see that the reality is many many births involve complications, interventions and a lot of blood! I feel it’s quite rare to have a birth that follows the birth plan.
it might help you normalise your forceps delivery.

This might work for you, op, but just wanted to say this would have set me over the edge in terms of ptsd flashbacks so please be careful. Maybe it would work better in a later stage of recovery

I too blame my NCT course.

the reality is if on NHS, you cannot guarantee to get the 1 water pool available where I Gp gave birth. You cannot have things on birth plan if baby is in distress. Bed space is at a premium so yes a 4 bay induction area is what you get if baby needs inducing ( yes can refuse induction but when told there is already an issue with placenta and a geriatric mother …)

and there is not enough funding or staff around to give the time or things one foolishly thought might happen.

I must say when I delivered my still-birth baby, the staff were amazing in my Labour. However, in my other births when the baby got in distress and I had no time for an epidural for a c-section, being asleep and baby out in 7mins and rushed to NICU was not what I had written down or dreamed of!

had my expectations been realistic …. My trauma would have been less as had wanted no interventions, to see the baby when she was born etc.

But having 2 de-brief sessions with a senior midwife really helped.
She gave me the stats and realities of hospital births - which they see all the time. How few people get what they want - as nhs maternity services are about balancing the needs of the baby and nhs resources more than allowing people to have what they hope for, sadly.

and yes, inductions get delayed due to nhs limitations.

My experience was very similar to @BarelyCoping123, including blue lights, HDU, transfusions etc. It was supposed to be a drug-free home birth.

I basically haven't got over it, and it was 22 years ago. There wasn't really any discussion about it then - I was in hospital, very ill, for a week after the birth, which affected everything about new motherhood for me.

Weirdly, having more children helped a bit, as they were ELCS and went entirely to plan. All huge babies, but that just meant a bigger incision. knew I didn't want an only child, so I just ploughed on.

I don't think about the experience now on a daily basis, but when I do think about it, I can't talk about it (I'm tearing up writing this, and I never, ever cry).

The unresolved trauma undoubtedly played a part in my marriage breaking up.

I wish, now, that I had spoken to the midwives, or HVs or GP, or my parents or one of my sisters - anyone, really. But it was very much a case of 'just get on with it'. That may have some merits (maybe I wouldn't have had a second child if I'd dwelt on the near-death experience more?), but I'm not sure I'd recommend it.

I actually think hypno birthing is dangerous to all naive first time
parents. We believed we were in control so much so that I didn’t realise I was in final stages of labour, tried to breathe through it because it all happened too quickly for pain relief (I wanted the drugs!), and ended up with forceps and a broken coccyx that’s still broken 6 years later! Elective CS for subsequent birth, uneventful birth followed by life changing diagnosis of rare genetic condition for my DS2. Birth is shit, I try to protect new parents to be but also cannot hear their naivety and try to open their mind to the idea birth May not be perfect but really a healthy baby lasts a lifetime.

I felt very much like this in the years after dd was born. I was due c-section due to polyhydramnios and unstable lie, but sent home as she was head down. Ended up being induced and then finally a crash section. I only had one child and felt so bloody cheated. I still cry when I see babies being born on TV, but the general feeling went away after a couple of years. Birth is one day in the scheme of things. Plenty of chance to build better memories. Big hugs though. I remember how raw it was.

This happened to me with my second baby.He was also born by EMCS like his older brother.It was only when I asked about the large scratch on one side of his face when I first saw him at two days old.None o the staff could give me an answer, then a very kind older midwife on night duty took the trouble to go to special care nursery to find out the cause.His head had been been firmly stuck inside me as he attempted to make his way out of my womb, so forceps had to be used to ease him out.It had not been recorded on my notes.He was only a seven pounder, no way a big one.
This was 51 years ago.He is a grandfather now.

I'm so sorry your birth went that way OP and you felt out of control.
I will slightly disagree with others though, birth isn't and shouldn't be considered a "medical procedure".
There is vast over medicalisation of birth in the UK and other large developed countries and the risks/benefits of things are not shared at all.
Induction, c-sections and other interventions do save lives but they also come with their own risks that need to be balanced to what the mother wants.
My first was induction after 12 hours of waters broken and emergency c section at 9cm dilated. 2nd home birth and an extremely different experience, also 12 hours after waters broke before labour started.

I believe that medicine and interventions do play a role in birth 100% when used necessarily and not because of erroneous reasons. We overuse them in the UK.

I think everyone should be offered true risk/benefit full education of what could happen in labour/birth and have the opportunity to understand the different parts equally, rather than just the "natural is magical" part.

Look into 3 step rewind. It really helped me.

for you OP

@AHobbyaweek Woah... I may be misunderstanding, but you're talking about the over-medicalisation of births on a thread where women and their babies would have died without medical intervention?

I'm a complete hippy about pretty much everything. I didn't want hospitals or drugs or any kind of intervention, and was getting along just fine at home until it became clear that there was nfw DC1 (who had kindly turned and was back to back on the day) was coming out without a lot of intervention.

Without medical intervention, DC1 and I would both be dead.

I agree with you that birth isn't a 'medical procedure', but it just sounded to me as if you were minimising the massive trauma other women - who didn't want intervention, and whose midwives tried to help them to have the natural birth they wanted - have undergone.

I clicked on to this, and had to click straight off it.

@toffeeapplee, don't end up in brushing it all off and then falling apart when someone harmlessly suggests something useful in 22 years' time. Do whatever you can to work through this now.

Agree and the NCT have a lot to answer for

Also agree with this. That course definitely affected how I felt about birth and the early days. Plus my sodding nct group all had sleeping babies. Wish I’d found mumsnet instead!

my course actually suggested we take a toaster to hospital !!

@PhilippaPage that was not my intention to be read that way.
I was trying to say I totally see the need to medical help and support and it does save lives.
I disagree with some other posters saying birth is a medical procedure full stop.
I believe there is a massive imbalance between the medicalisation side and the "hippee" "natural birth only" side and women are being let down by not being given the full picture, details and benefits of risks of both sides in order to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices are induction or elective c section, wait a few more days or induce now etc.

And that imbalance sometimes leads to increase trauma believing they were out of control, didn't do it right etc which is such a horrible feeling having been through it.

1 in 5 births result in emergency c section.
1 in 8 forceps
9 in 10 births result in a cut or tear. Up to 50% of these need stitches.
1in 3 first time mums are in labour for 24 hours or more.
Why does NCT conspire to cover this up? Is it for the money or for quasi religious reasons?

That makes more sense @AHobbyaweek

I realise I'm over-sensitive about this topic because I should have had therapy 22 years ago!

Wow thanks I didn't know most of these, only the emcs one.

1 in 8 need forceps... I remember my nct teacher insisting that epidurals make instrumental interventions more likely, so we were better off "breathing through the pain" so we didn't request an epidural and then didn't need instruments.

Effectively implying it's your own silly fault if you needed forceps because you didn't breathe right. 1 in 8 mums!

OP I know very few people who had a lovely natural vaginal birth. DD was very premature and I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy as the hospital were running out of O neg blood for me as a result of heavy bleeding caused by placenta percreta.

I didn't have DD in the UK so didn't do any of the NCT courses or have midwives involved but I had still bought the baby books and was so disappointed for a very long time that I hadn't had that ideal pregnancy and birth.

In the end I am just glad that DD survived and realise now that we are sold this myth of the perfect birth. As other pps have said I think that women need to realise that if their experience isn't perfect it isn't because they are somehow a failure but that childbirth, although amazing, can also be dangerous. We are lucky to have modern medicine. If I had had DD a hundred years ago neither of us would have survived.

Back again... after 3 years I was ready to think about maybe one day possibly having another child.

I was more in control. We went to a different hospital and I had a planned induction. My 'birth plan' said to have as early an epidural as possible and they were very forward with topping me up with all the drugs. They knew the trauma from the first time and were really good at keeping me as calm as possible (so so many good drugs.. mmmmm). I suppose I was in control in the way I consciously gave myself over to the hospital.

Second time round my pregnancy was harder because I was so anxious.. but I do have a buddy to go to Claire's with... today we spent £40 on tat jewellery!

Keep processing it. Xx