Birth "horror stories"

[goodmorningsunny]

A pregnant friend of mine recently asked about my birth and I told her how it went and she then said how people love to tell pregnant people "horror stories". I don't see my birth as a horror story but it certainly wasn't what I was taught in NCT.

It got me thinking, why is it that we consider real childbirth stories to be "horror stories"? Is it because NCT classes and midwives don't give a realistic idea of what to expect? Is it just that we're all really scared of birth and anything that sounds remotely unpleasant we consider a "horror story"?

I had quite a nice birth story really, I was shocked that she thought it was a "horror story", so I'm kind of scared about what she's learning in NCT to make her think that my very okay-ish birth was a horror!

I had a colleague who seemed to believe all the stuff she was told at some childbirth classes. One day she told me that she felt much more confident because the class had been about pain relief. I thought that they'd discussed things like epidural but it turned out to be about things aromatherapy! I heard she had a 10 1/2 pound baby. I always wondered how long she stayed with her natural birth plan and a whiff of lavender oil.

My mother told me it was the most unbelievable pain, breathing exercises were useless, she thought she was going to die and the only high spot was meeting the anaesthetist who told her that when she woke up it would all be over. To be fair, the matron thought the babies had been mixed up becsuse she was surprised the smallest mother there had given birth to the biggest sumo-like baby.

I had c-sections but rather thought I'd let the side down with stunted 8 and a half pounders.

Some people do have horrific births. Some pre-birth care providers talk about 'gentle pressure' and that if you do it 'right' it doesn't need to hurt. I think it's about not scaring the mother until she discovers which end of the birth spectrum she's getting. She was probably just warning you not to mention any details that might frighten her? My first birth was horrific but we all survived. Some personalities would not want to hear the truth of it, others don't mind being honestly prepared just in case. There are also different perceptions, your normal birth could be someone's horror story.

I remember a catty comment directed at me by a colleague about how 'everyone seems to have some dramatic life-or-death birth these days' when I said dc1 had been a traumatic birth. I mean, sorry I had a massive pph, lost 4 litres of blood and ended up in hdu I guess. Didn't realise my bad experience would be so offensive to others. Also, I'm sorry, but clearly the whole 'breathe throught it'/aromatherapy/visualise a calm ocean thing must be directed at women who have really solid pain thresholds. Either that or I'm a total wuss because it was the worst pain of my life and went on for hours!! No amount of good thoughts would have got me through that.

One of mine is a genuine horror story. Too bad if anyone is offended by it. It happened, it's my experience, I can't change it, I'd rather not have the horror story. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen because some people would rather have their head in the sand about what can happen during birth. I call it being informed.

Yet the flip side of it is that if you tell about the good labour that you had, you're judged for 'boasting' about your 'luck'.

DD1 was a "horror" birth. (Unattended- but actually quite easy. Just scary!)
DD2 went smoothly

I actually talk about DD2 more as it was a homebirth and people ask. Though DD1 story was a major cause of wanting that homebirth, along with the postnatal ward.

People don't bother telling you the boring birth stories!

Was she actually calling yours a horror story or just passing comment? Did you tell her you felt yours went well and actually? I think she’s right in a way, but I think people like to talk about difficult births because it helps them process them and get support from people who have been through similar, I don’t think they do it to scare pregnant women.

Birth can be horrific but I think if you go in to it expecting horror you are setting yourself up poorly.

Nobody tells new mums the truth about childbirth. Otherwise they’d never get pregnant and our species would die out. For like 90% of women it’s a horror story, some worse than others. In the olden days women soldiered on - nowadays I think there’s more of a tendency to nope out after the first child and refuse to do it again. If I knew in advance what would happen I’d have no kids.

@Dilbertian

Absolutely this!! Or told you didn't do it properly because you didn't have pain relief. I didn't have time for pain relief even if I wanted it!

Exactly. Both mine where pretty straight forward. I'm not allowed to say that apparently because it makes people feel bad according to my friends wife. She's the charmer who called me a freak of nature because my second labour was only 8 hours.

That's so sad. Statically births are getting harder (older mothers, higher BMI, more intervention). I think birthing your first child post 35 after having sedentary job for 15 years is quite different to doing it at 18 having an active lifestyle.

One of my labours was 2h, no PR, dc born in the birthing pool, no stitches.

If I tell that story, it was just luck, and I'm boasting, and I'm giving other women unreasonable expectations.

When I bracket that story with the facts that I was blue-lighted to hospital and was borderline PPH before the bleeding was finally brought under control, suddenly it becomes an inspiring story and my 'luck' becomes a positive thing.

I've also had a very long labour with a birth that left me with lifelong injuries and traumatic flashbacks that intrude whenever I have a gynae procedure.

I've had births that were hard, painful work, but were healing experiences after that first, deeply traumatising birth.

All are equally valid experiences. Excuse me if I choose to focus on the positives rather than dwell on the negatives.

Most of my births are births to envy. Then there's the one that made up for all the others. I don't pretend it didn't happen.

This!

I've been called every name under the sun on here because I dared to share my positive birth story.

I think this comes under the definition of "can't win", doesn't it?

In hindsight, I wish what I'd been told by other mums or NCT was that some births are very straightforward, some are not, and that it's mostly down to chance rather than due to your birth choices. I would also have liked some scenarios and a range of case studies! What I got instead was pros and cons of epidurals/csections/water births, etc (at NCT), and from other mums a bit of "do x, y, and z and you'll be grand" (with x/y/z ranging from aromatherapy and whale noises to general anathestic, depending on the person). It was all very isolated on individual interventions and "which camp do you want to be in?" whereas I think most women would benefit more from talking through the things that might happen, how things could develop, what you might be feeling in any given stage, what you have greater and lesser control of, etc.

(2 horror stories and 1 great story for me)

I think when someone is pregnant with their first baby it is kind to try not to scare them. I was very worried about giving birth and I did appreciate hearing stories where not everything went “wrong”. Once I’d given birth myself and it was over with I was totally fascinated by others birth stories and wanted to hear all the details. I was constantly amazed at what women are capable of. But I know on a personal level I felt being shielded from some of the more difficult aspects of childbirth actually helped me have a calm labour and feel empowered that I could get through it. Everyone is different but I believe there is a find balance when telling birth stories to pregnant first time mums, unless they particularly ask for all the ins and outs if it. Every birth is different.

My second DC was a planned c section and I was very scared. Close friends who had had sections were kind and reassuring and factual when I asked them how they’d found it but it was only afterwards they divulged some more personal details (including one fainting on her way to the bathroom from the pain!) as they hadn’t wanted to scare me.

It's hard without knowing the exact scenario or story, as it sounds like she ask for you your birth story but wanted it to be dandy, routine and flower then wasn't happy when it wasn't what she expected. Then again, if all she asked was 'how was your birth' and you'd gone into gritty detail, I'd say that maybe warranted her response.

I do think it's a bit of a 'flip side of the coin' thing with pregnant women and birth stories. I remember wondering why no one seems to talk openly about the reality of birth and post-partum, especially as I'm now pretty hot on the bandwagon of informed choice. But on reflection when I was pregnant I never wanted to hear stories because of that exact stereotype of 'scaring' pregnant women, so I chose to ignore a lot 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I had two lovely text book water births. I never talk about them as I think they are not the norm maybe. My friends have so many stories of complications which were never told to us at NCT.

Equally I wasn’t told about post-birth issues which I did experience, as well as PND. These are areas I believe should be covered in maternity classes. I thought there was something wrong with me when I started to have awful thoughts about my DS. I opened up to my DH who I thought would leave me. Instead he found me help and we got through it. I wish we’d been be told told some of the things to watch out for.

Can't help but wonder whether it would be harder to continue with the current level of underfunding for maternity services if women were allowed to speak a bit more honestly about their experiences.

My DW had two traumatic births, and to cut a long story short she lays a sizeable portion of the blame at the NCT classes emphasizing natural birth etc. and tbh I agree with her 100%.

I agree with PPs that the bit I'm angry (in hindsight) about not knowing is the risks in the weeks after birth.

I had a "relatively straightforward" birth but got constipated a couple of weeks later (no doubt due to punishing feeding schedule for my underweight newborn leaving me more exhausted than I'd imagined possible) and due to the hormones and tears the straining caused a permanent brith injury which I'm going to spend the rest of my life 'managing'...

None of that was mentioned in NCT class or the many books I read to try to prep for motherhood! None of the HVs or midwives or lactation consultants told me to make sure I took care of myself, they were only worried about the baby - as was I. Needless to say by 2 months old he was on the 80th centile and I was spiralling into PND with a broken vagina.

There's a lot about childbirth that people keep quiet about and for myself I'd rather I had known. If that caused more women to choose not to have kids then so be it.

@Farradaymange “Although some would argue it’s up to you to inform yourself about decisions you’re making.”

?? In your imagination what do you suppose NCT classes are for?

The people I've taken issue with are the ones who had fabulous births and acted like I could have done too if I'd just tried a bit harder. Obviously you can influence how things go a bit but pretending it's anything other than pure luck overall how it goes is actively damaging to the women who are then unprepared and feel like they've failed.