Birth "horror stories"

[goodmorningsunny]

A pregnant friend of mine recently asked about my birth and I told her how it went and she then said how people love to tell pregnant people "horror stories". I don't see my birth as a horror story but it certainly wasn't what I was taught in NCT.

It got me thinking, why is it that we consider real childbirth stories to be "horror stories"? Is it because NCT classes and midwives don't give a realistic idea of what to expect? Is it just that we're all really scared of birth and anything that sounds remotely unpleasant we consider a "horror story"?

I had quite a nice birth story really, I was shocked that she thought it was a "horror story", so I'm kind of scared about what she's learning in NCT to make her think that my very okay-ish birth was a horror!

I never tell pregnant women about my births. Neither were particularly traumatic, but I think first time pregnant women are either terrified of everything about labour or naive about the realities and think it’ll be some sort of ‘experience’.

Most births are painful, gory and not what you planned. That’s the reality. Pretty much any birth can sound like a horror story to a nervous or naive first time Mum, so best just to keep quiet and be supportive.

At some point in our evolution we will move to surgical birth only, right? Vaginal birth will then be a horror story along the lines of children eaten by wolves.

Hopefully not! To me, having unecessary open abdomonal surgery and everything that comes with it, is horrific.

My first birth was a horror story because of all the unnecessary intervention. The subsequent two were not (especially the last one in Jan this year). I trusted my body so much more and, while of course it wasn't without pain, I feel that I experienced birth. There was noise (!), there was fluid and yes, our bedroom may have looked like a murder scene- briefly- but it was perfect and there was no horror, whatsoever. Just lots of oxytocin-enabled uphoria and also pride in myself for everything I did in order to experience this in the way that I did.

I can’t help but hear our NCT instructor(?) when I read this.

Trusting your body is great, but bear in mind that 150 years ago women had no choice but to trust their body and the results were a lot of dead babies and a lot of dead mums. That’s the nature of our species. Big head, big evolutionary advantages, but also big dangers.

I don’t think expectant mums should be tormented with horror stories but I think there should be a measured presentation of the facts at an appropriate stage, as the spectrum of how births can go is really broad.

Fuck me at aromatherapy and gentle pressure. Mine was like alien busting out of that guys stomach with accompanying roaring and screaming for pain relief.

So basically as I gather if we tell horror stories we are scaring people and people only want to hear the good stuff, we tell the good experiences we are bragging?

So what is ok to tell? (I am not asking the op specifically)

A balanced option based on who you're talking too? A lot of how much of a horror story it is is how much you feel in control so it's fine to share that actually you were lucky enough to have a good birth and you think X y and z helped and that you unfortunately had some issues but that they're very unusual and have been helped by a b and c. Just don't pretend all the good is due to your own amazingness or that the bad is usually unmanageable.

My birth left me very unwell, lead to an Emcs. I just wish they didn’t discuss births as if it’s all within the mother’s control. As if I’d done enough breathing and lit enough candles I’d have sailed through and not nearly died. It irritates me to no end. It’s not my fault, but people do like to insinuate that it’s the mother’s ‘choice’.

If I ask someone I want their answer I don't have to turn it into anything other than experience if they told me "well I had it easy because I drank green tea through a pineapple straw" sure I can think it's nonsense but I don't have to feel judged by it

Surely people must realise what works or doesn't for one pregnancy does not mean it will be the same for the person asking, or anyone else.

If I didn't want to hear the truth I wouldn't ask

My waters broke & were heavily stained in maeconium a few hours after a pessary was put in for an induction.

I then went from 0-10cm dilated in 3 hours (luckily with an epidural) but ds heart rate started faltering so I couldn’t push.

Eventually I was pushed him out in a forceps delivery, had a massive pph, needed a transfusion, and my heart rate was so high I was kept in monitoring for hours because they thought I was going to have a heart attack. Eventually we discovered it was because of ‘invisible’ preclampsia - the placenta was riddled with clots. I felt extremely grateful I had forced my consultant to sign me off on a due date induction - if we had waited a day he might have been stillborn.

I was i hospital over a week but the worst part of it all was establishing breastfeeding. He had a severe tongue tie & while I did manage it was like latching a crocodile until we got it fixed.

My birth was horrific, failed induction, pre eclampsia, emcs, massive pph & in HDU with hellp syndrome. I went to antenatal classes & all I learned was bouncing on a birthing ball which wasn't much good when I was tied to the bed with CTG monitoring. I left hospital feeling like my body had let me down, I couldn't do the one thing my body was designed to do. No wonder I suffered severe PND, was suicidal & couldn't bond with ds.

You'd think so but I met an awful lot of people who acted like my rubbish first birth could have been an easy one if I'd just tried harder, including the antenatal course I did. Hypnobirthing is great but it doesn't prevent haemorrhages. I think selling this idea that every birth can be an easy one with the right prep is a big cause of when feeling bad when there's isn't because it implies it's their fault. I was lucky enough to have the easy birth after that showed me I'd just been unlucky before.

You flatter me - I am no NCT instructor :D

I "trusted my body" this year because 1) I had birthed my second naturally without medical pain relief and 2) I did all the mental, physical and practical prep for a homebirth.

(Funnily enough, the most stressful part for me was justifying planning a homebirth!)

I think a lot depends on who you're talking to and what they're like as people and/or storytellers.

Some people do like to, not necessarily exaggerate, but really ham up what happened to them and then there are others will just plainly state the facts or some might even downplay it.

I had a 36 hour birth with an episiotomy and a 3b tear at the end which. I'm sure other people wouldn't view my son's birth as positive but I genuinely do. Despite the length and injuries it was calm and the pain was manageable. If the same birth had happened to someone else they could view it as traumatic. I think it really does depend on the person.

I fear you’ve missed my point.
The historical neonatal mortality rate is hard to get to grips with because you have various factors to contend with in the data, ie live births vs still births and the degree to which the still birth can be attributed to birth injuries, similarly the case with the survival rate in the first five years re birth trauma. Safe to say though without medical intervention the neonatal mortality rate in the U.K. would be many times higher than it is now. This is a constant across our species that does not occur to the same degree in other species without very specific aggravating factors such as stress or disease.
i believe organisations such as NCT fail women in not making these facts clear enough, and by pushing a no-intervention agenda.
It’s certainly true that at times childbirth has been and can be over medicalised, but the full spectrum needs to be discussed so that women can make fully informed choices. Even to the degree of discussing differing body types of the parents, pelvic size, etc, which I do not remember ever being discussed during my wife’s pregnancy (she has relatively narrow hips, I am very tall and broad and have an enormous head, and both her pregnancies involved medical intervention without which the children would have died. My sister, also tall and broad with a fairly short and slender husband had her children pretty much roll out).
And while neonatal deaths are now relatively low, it’s important not to forget the range of birth injuries which can be anywhere from insignificant in the long term to life altering, and in respect of that I think the “trust your body, be prepared” line may be sound for the majority of women, there is a significant majority for whom it could be very risky. Thus: horror stories- no, full disclosure of the full range of adverse possibilities- yes.

*significant minority

This. I haven’t told anyone except my husband that the reason why there was a 2 hour delay between me going into the theatre & then appeating on the labour ward was because after my pph my heart rate was so high the nurses expected me to have a heart attack. I was even asked what I wanted to do if it happened & was advised not to hold the baby in case he fell out of my arms. Because of this everyone thinks my birth was ‘easy’ because stuff like invisible preclampsia & my son’s failing heart rate was managed.

Totally agree and also, where appropriate, what can actually mitigate the specific risks associated with poor outcomes. I also thought NCT was a bit "top line" (good waybto meet people!) but it's up to you to get informed. The course did teach me about the cascade of intervention though, which couldn't have been more accurate, as I learned the hard way a few weeks later.

For me, the birth wasn’t the worst part.

Yes, it hurt. A lot. I tore and needed stitches that I was then required to have surgery for a few years later due to scar tissue.

It was the breast feeding that got me.

I wasn’t on mn when I had my first so I didn’t get to hear about how hard it was. All I heard was how easy it was. Free. Convienent. Best for baby etc etc.

It was agony! Not helped by dd having tongue tie which the hospital I birthed in didn’t deal with.

@Palmfrond yep completely agree. Our NCT class basically sold us a complete lie along the lines of you'll be fine as long as you have fairy lights, the correct breathing exercises and a playlist. Thanks for that - couldn't have been further from the truth and left us totally unprepared for the horror show that we actually encountered.

Childbirth is inherently agonising, in fact it’s supposed to be. There seems to be a school of thought that ‘it’s only painful because of misogynistic medicine’ but, seriously?! You’re pushing a baby out of your vag 🙄 what else can you expect?

I went to a pregnancy exercise class the other week full of older or very overweight first time mums all convinced they’re going to have a candle lit water birth and that it’s ‘all about the mindset’. As a second time mum I tried hard to keep a straight face.

In fact my birth education for first time mums would look something like:

1. It will hurt. No matter what delivery you have it will hurt, either in the moment or afterwards. But you will cope.
2. You have an equal chance of a spontaneous vaginal, instrumental and Caesarian birth. So stay realistic.
3. It’s all a luck game - position of baby, meconium in the waters, fetal heart rate and all the rest. So don’t let anyone make you feel ‘if you’d tried harder..’
4. Remember you won’t get to meet the baby twice so whatever happens, be very proud that you managed and did the safest thing for your baby. Nobody else will be caring for them if you decide to go against medical advice with sad consequences. Especially EMCS under GA, makes you a total rockstar!
5. Dont get hung up on ‘if it was 100 years ago we would’ve died’. So would Anna who had the perfect water birth but antibiotics for an infection afterwards, or asthma.

I think mindset does make a bit of a difference, if you go into it thinking you're going to be torn to shreds then you're going to be much more stressed than you need to be. Really it's like having a massive poo and it will come out one way or another. If preparing candles and whale song make you feel less apprehensive, what's the harm?

I do remember being heavily pregnant with my first baby and some drunk woman at a party being determined to tell me how awful birth is. That's the twattiest thing.

Ultimately your body takes over (or you get a c-section). All the time spent on birth prep would probably be better spent learning about how to care for a baby, breastfeed, recover from birth etc.

When pregnant for the first time in 2003 I asked the mum's I knew how childbirth was, as I wanted to be somewhat mentally prepared.

Nobody was honest and I was mostly told "oh it's different for everyone"..

After giving birth, I felt as though everyone had been blowing sunshine up my arse, told them I wish they had been honest.

So each to their own I guess, I'd have preferred to know the "horror stories" so I knew what I was potentially dealing with.

@Squamata I agree, if reduces your stress levels then yes go for it but I think there does need to be some re-balancing going on so that there is recognition that sometimes you do need some help with pain levels or with getting the baby out and these are x and the potential consequences are y. Personally I would have rather have known more about what could go wrong and what might happen in those scenarios. I think more honesty around birth would also help reduce the feelings of failure that many women suffer if they didn't get their perfect birth.