I DON?T EXPECT ANYONE TO READ THIS STUPIDLY LONG POST, I JUST NEED TO GET THIS DOWN ON PAPER AND SO I CAN PROCESS IT AND MOVE FORWARD.
I have just received a card detailing my blood issues Rhesus Positive with E antibodies. I need to carry during my pregnancy and for some reason this has really pushed me over the edge and I can?t stop crying.
I knew things would not be straight forward this time because of how my daughter entered the world.
Last time I was forced into hospital, as my anti-homebirth community midwife refused to come out to me and when the hospital tested me they thought I was Strep B and I had to be admitted. My labour stopped in the hospital as I was so scared. Started to induce me, I was tied to a bed with continuous monitoring.
I begged them to take it off and they refused (I now know we should of told them to fuck off ) They told me they thought I would be endangering my baby if I didn't lie still on my back with drip etc Because I couldn't move even an inch onto my side the pain was unbearable, leading to the 'classic waterfall inventions', so I ended up with drugs and a spinal thing. I pushed for 3 hours on the midwifes instructions.
Baby got distressed. So after 19/20 hours in labour in hospital (after a slow labour at home for a couple of days) they take me into surgery. I am very frightened of hospital at the best of times and being operated on whilst being awake and feeling it is my worst nightmare. They kept saying can I feel this cold thing on my leg, I said yes but they tell me I can't feel it. Why bloody ask me if you are going to ignore the answer?
I can still feel everything and they are talking about cutting me open, I am so terrified, my husband was outside the surgery room, I can hardly catch my breath. Eventually they let DH in and they say they will try forceps first and manage to rip my baby out that way. I touch her on her back for one brief second and they take her away, I feel very cold and start shaking
I don't remember the next few hours/days. Apparently I lost several pints of blood and had ripped one end to the other, had a blood transfusion and transferred to a HDU ward. All I remember is drifting in and out of consciousness, hearing beeping of machines and alarms going off and wires everywhere and a horrible mask on my face. I could hear my baby but I couldn?t reach her and the pain was terrible.
I have photos DH took of my DD and me in that ward, I can't look at them. I am 'not there' and have no memory of that time. Supposedly the first precious moments with my baby, I never gave birth, she was just ripped out of me.
I never had PND and bonded well with my DD and established breastfeeding (despite a midwife saying that mothers like me who have bad experiences, don't breastfeed). I rarely talk about what happened in hospital in real life, I avoid references to 'giving birth' and tend to withdraw when other mother talk about their labours. I have flashbacks and nightmares about what happened, though they had lessened over the last 17 months. At the start I would be crying daily and now I go weeks without it popping into my mind uninvited.
I eventually months later, did talk to the hospital about what happened and they had someone come out and go though my medical records with me, to fill in some of my blank memories.
When DD was 6 months old I thought I was accidentally pregnant and I was terrified and I wrote this entry in my blog at the time shows my state of mind at the time.
Blog Page
I thought I had made my peace with accepting that I would have to risk enduring the same experience for a second child if I went to hospital and I expected to book a private midwife so I could try to have a home birth otherwise. So with that in mind we TTC and got pregnant again and apart from a bit of bleeding I have had a good 12 weeks and no worries.
Yesterday we went for a scan and despite the bleeding we saw a healthy very active baby on the screen and I was so happy I cried
But when speaking to the midwife after the scan, she mentioned the problems in my blood. I am Rhesus Positive but have Anti-D and Anti-E antibodies in my blood, properly due to my blood transfusion. They will properly cause no problems but might cross and attack the baby if baby is a certain blood type. So I need blood tests every 4 weeks to check the antibody levels in my blood and according to the unexpected letter this morning I should carry this card whilst being pregnant.
The consultant said the heavy bleeding I had last time meant I shouldn't have a home birth, very reluctant about water birth, monitoring etc. The midwife agreed with me that being in hospital and being starved, lying on my back and the long labour and pushing for 3 hours and the cut, made me bleed and I would be at no more likely to bleed than anyone else if I have a normal labour and were more willing to comprise about water birth and monitoring etc. The midwife even said they would consider a home birth if I tested Strep B negative at 37 weeks and had no other problems but what is the chance of that happening.
However the last hospital said they would follow a birth plan and not tie me to a bed and they lied. Can I trust these people even if they are in a different hospital ? Even if they intended to follow an agreed plan, I can see everything changing if anything I do is not 'textbook' and no one has a textbook labour.
I still want a private midwife but we don't have enough money in our savings and our budget is so tight, I doubt we can save up the remainder needed in time. Also what if I went with a private midwife and ended up in hospital away. What a waste of money? Though for the chance of a normal labour I would spend every penny we had, we just don't have enough pennies. So although I pencilled in an independent midwife it looks like I will have to cancel her services.
The midwife did suggest an elective C-section under a spinal as a good alternative. I started crying, I couldn't find the words to explain how bad I felt. Luckily my DH realised I couldn't speak and he explained that was my ultimate nightmare and he was sure I was willing to do anything to avoid that particular scenario.
I am cross that because I was forced into hospital last time, it has caused many issues for this pregnancy. As the community midwife said ironically last time I was a perfect candidate for a home birth but now I am too much of a risk.
The midwife seems to be worried that I will crack up emotionally nearer the labour date and insisted I take details for a counsellor. I don't need a counsellor, talking will not make a difference to the past, I have tried it and it makes me will worse and weak. I just want to move forward and put practical things in place so maybe I will be able to give birth this time. I need to figure what I should do for the best.
I want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is. I just want to stay as far away from hospital as possible. But I don't want to bleed to death at home and despite being told it shouldn't be a problem, the antibodies in my blood and all the additional blood tests are scaring me.
I am just spinning around in circles