Did anyone else just have a really horrific labour?

[Fluffygreenslippers]

Apologies in advance for the absolute stream of consciousness but it’s late at night, I can’t sleep & I thought I was over the birth but I don’t think I am? I keep getting flashbacks and shuddering, it’s like remembering a nightmare. I’m 14 weeks pp.

I was pretty much bullied into an induction. Everyone kept telling me the baby was massive, huge, gargantuan even. They tested me twice for GE. One sonographer even gave a spiteful giggle saying fetus had a ‘chubby tummy’. Terrified, I asked for a c section. Was firmly declined. I was so worn out with pregnancy I had no fight in me. I agreed to an induction. They gave me a piece of paper that ‘explained everything’. It said I would have a pessary to induce labour. It sounded fine. I did some googling. Mumsnet said there was a drip? Well the booklet didn’t mention a drip, naive me reasoned, so I would ‘t have to worry.

Day of induction. Given pessary. Sat in labour ward anxious and bored. In the evening contractions started. I tried to watch the first episode of Kenobi i but they were so painful I couldn’t concentrate. Listened to music instead. Oh this was horribly, horribly painful. And constant…I thought contractions came in waves? I had all the pain relief offered, threw up from the pain, couldn’t sleep. Early in the morning they moved me to the labour ward.

Bed was too small. Pain still constant, starting to become unbearable. No sleep, tired now. Midwife jollily brings out a drip. A drip? What the fuck is this? I’m also hooked up to IV antibiotics because of positive strep b. I get through six fucking bags of the stuff. My hand hurts. The contractions become unbearable, I ask for epidural. Until, they lessen. I can sit up, breath again. I cancel the epidural. They keep turning the drip up. I am not progressing. My blood feels like it’s 50% iv fluid. As i’m not progressing, someone comes to break my waters, it’s agony. She can’t break them. Two other people try, one after another. I’m howling in agony like an animal, begging them to stop. They tell me to use gas and air which makes it feel like my brain is going to leak out my ears but does nothing, nothing at all for the pain. The third one concludes perhaps my waters have already broken. I start throwing up again. It’s the next day. Somehow it’s 10am.

No progress. Doctors in and out. A fourth woman comes to try and break my waters. Terrified, I start crying. I feel violated. She manages to break them. I feel a gush. Then the full force of the drip hits me. I start screaming. I beg for an epidural even though I’ve always been terrified of then. The anaesthetist comes, sticks a needle in my spine. I am trembling with fear, convinced I’ll end up paralysed. And then, blessed relief, and then, the pain is back. The epidural only worked on one half of my body. They top it up, again and again, every 30 minutes. Exhausted, I fall asleep for 20 minutes until the pain wakes me up again.

Finally, I am dilated enough to push. I push for an hour, nothing happens. More doctors. There is talk of a c section. Oh please. Please yes. Doctor says they will try a forceps delivery first. What? No. My heart sinks. Forceps are my worse nightmare but I just want this to end. I agree.

I am wheeled into theatre and given a spinal block. I am so relieved. I no longer feel any pain. They lay me down but the weight of my pregnant belly on my chest crushes me. I can’t breath. This is how I’m going to die I think. And it’s so ludicrous. I beg for them to sit me back up. They don’t listen for agonising minutes. I insist. They finally listen and find a wedge.

I can’t feel or see a thing but my husband witnessed the whole event. The doctor, standing with the forceps. The huge, HUGE heave she did, the flash of the scalpal as i’m sliced like meat through my vagina, and another huge heave, the doctor leaning back with her whole weight like she’s doing tug of war.

The baby is dragged out into the world. I see him, briefly, and then he is whisked away. He is injured from the forceps. Two doctors spend an age stitching me. The scar I can feel now is at least three inches long, possibly four. I have haemorrhaged and will need two transfusions. As they wheel me out the theatre I see puddles of blood all over the floor.

And the big huge baby? He is 8.6lbs. Long and slim.

Agree.
This is why assisted births with forceps are considered obsolete in many countries.

I'm so sorry for what you went through it's absolutely barbaric and unnecessary. I asked for c sections due to stories like yours and I'm shocked you were refused! We have a choice, it's our bodies.
There is just no need for all this trauma when someone could have a calm section. I hope the memory fades for you x

I also had a horrendous first labour. Induced with pessary, in active labour for 24 hours and no progression, and the baby was sitting back to back.
They then offered the drip and crucially they said
YOU NEED AN EPIDURAL IF YOU ARE HAVING THE DRIP, OTHERWISE IT IS TOO PAINFUL.

I am stunned and horrified that you were not given an epidural first.
I had really wanted a natural birth, but after so long and so tired I agreed to the epidural and the drip. After that it was better.
But when it was time to push, I pushed for 2.5 hours, which they should not have let me do, it was bad for the baby and I am really thankful that he was fine.

It turns out that he was over 10lbs. and he had an enormous head (wore size 6-12 months hats as a newborn, and size 3-6 months clothes)
None of that was picked up on scan. Scans are nororiously poor at predicting size.

I was traumatised and tearful about the birth for a while. I had a lovely friend who was a midwife and she gave me a debrief session. Just being heard and empathised with, and having her say - no that isn't good practice, and you should not have had to endure that, was very healing. After the debrief, I was able to let a lot of it go.

I went on to have 2 more babies. Both had to be induced (do to being overdue), but the pessary worked and then I had a natural labour, no pain relief and very quick easy births. And my third chidl was 10lbs 7oz. So your first labour is not an indication of how the rest will go.

I have had 3 inductions.
dc 1 was over 2 weeks late. When he was finally born, after an induction, I could barey get him out as he was so huge.
dc 2 I had obstectric coloestasis and needed to be induced at 38 weeks, as babies who go to term are much more likely to die due to the side effects of OC.
dc3 I was 2 weeks late and started asking for induction as soon as I reached term, as I knew I had big babies and didn't want to wait. Finally induced at 2 weeks over and she was 10 lbs 7oz.

Some people need inductions.
The issue is how they are managed. And the support the women get.

Oh I'm so sorry you went through that.
Mine was a similar, drawn out medical affair. I wasn't traumatised so much by the pain but the sense of not knowing what was going on. Like you, I felt I was dying in theatre, that they didn't realise I was dying. It took ages to bond with my baby as I felt truly shellshocked.
There's help available. I had PTSD and PND and have good therapy for flashbacks. I also went to a birth debrief thing which helped. Time also does help.
Im pregnant again and will refuse induction, and just go straight to c section if I'm overdue. The pessary/drip/days without sleep to end up in an inevitable c section are something I will be definitely avoiding. I know induction can work with some women but everyone I know who had one has ended up with a c section or traumatic forceps delivery, after several days of agony. Will definitely try and skip the sleepless agony part this time

oh OP, you’re birth story sounds exactly like mine except I didn’t have the pessary as I was already dilated (4 failed sweeps…) and they went straight to breaking my waters. After that our experiences are so similar so please know that you are not alone.
I’m so sorry you went through this, please get a debrief from your hospital if it is available. Perhaps talking to someone might help you get through your flashbacks and negative memories- PTSD from birth trauma is way more common than people think x

@EL8888 was it better the 2nd and 3rd time around? I’m afraid I will need an induction again and I’m not sure I want a C-section even if my first induction was horrible. It would be some reassurance if I know it gets better.

@steppemum l agree about the need for them to be properly support and managed. This is the root of my concerns, as I doubt my local hospital have the resources or organisation to do this.

@EL8888 was it better the 2nd and 3rd time around? I’m afraid I will need an induction again and I’m not sure I want a C-section even if my first induction was horrible. It would be some reassurance if I know it gets better.

2nd and 3rd times were utterly different. I posted about it up thread.
I only needed the pessary to get going and then it was a natural birth. I didn't even need any pain relief. With dc 3 they offered to break my waters as I was already 3cm dilated but not in labour (common to be a bit dilated with third babies). I said yes, it was very simple and not painful, and then the contractions began by themselves.
Both were quick straightforward 'easy' births. I was able to move around (they like to continually monitor you if induced, I told them I had to labour standing) and both times the midwives were amaing and supportive. I gave birth standing too.
My third dc was 10lbs 7oz but still a lovely birth experience.
Both labours were very quick too. (dc3 was 1.5 hours after my waters were broken!))

Honestly, first labours are often very, very different to subsequent labours for many reasons. There have been many threads on here about it in the past.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, this is a truly horrific experience. You need to book that debrief and also make a complaint. It's true women are being tortured, basically raped and then their feelings minimised. I've always said I'd have a hole birth or a section and nothing in between. You've cemented my view completely

*home birth(!!!) lol what a typo

Did you name the hospital already?

Sounds awful OP. So sorry that you have been through that.
@KetchupKetchup I had a home birth with my second child after a terrible first birth in hospital. The home birth was wonderful, such a redemptive and empowering experience. It was a very happy birth day. I hope your home birth goes well and is a joyous experience.

Every single woman I know. Including me. I do not trust midwives one but.

I don't know if it will make any of you feel better but I went in to labour with my first naturally and still had a remarkably similar birth to op after I got stuck at about 8cm. The hours and hours before the epidural were pure agony and even with it it hurt. Thankfully I managed to get the baby out after about 2.5 hours pushing and was still with it enough to be able to tell them I had enough left to have another go before forceps/c section when they said they'd be doing that but the recovery was still pretty grim. Interestingly you can refuse the transfusions if they're not right for you and you're fairly borderline which I was advised to do for better long term recovery. I remember wondering how people were recovered enough to have another baby within a couple of years, I was still in pain from my first a year after birth.

Second birth was totally ideal - natural, quick but not too quick, just gas and air and even then only for pushing.

I was induced for my third and it wasn't fun but it was so much easier than my first, non induced birth. No episiotomy, just gas and air, done in 24 hours. Even had the same amount of blood loss and transfusion wasn't even mentioned. Recovered in maybe a week?

You can have a grim birth without induction. You can have a good induction. The thing that seems to make the most difference is luck, then being listened to. You will also know better how and when to advocate for yourself if you choose to have another which makes a huge difference. That might mean a c section, it might not.

To be honest I think most labours are horrific, whether induced or natural, however they end. Mums tend to forget afterwards and just see it for how it looks on paper, but in the moment there’s no denying it’s agony and hard work. But then I suppose that’s why it’s called labour. I think the hypnobirthing instagrammers have a lot to answer for tbh.

@Wouldloveanother The mums that tend to forget afterwards aren't the mums who've had a truly horrific labour. The point of the OP and anyone else who has experienced a traumatic birth is that they won't just forget. To say that most labours are horrific however they end, is not only dismissive it's not fact.

@Philandbill thank you 😊

I agree. I needed a debrief to move past my first traumatic long labour. My second and third were not horrific, and I did quickly move on.
Not all labours are the same.

Gosh I'm so sorry OP and all the other women who've suffered. My first pregnancy was a shit show from the start. I had severe hyperemesis, was told by a senior midwife to try and bear it as much as possible and to tell myself it's short term rather than going on a million meds. Well I took her advice and would go in just for iv drips of water to top up. At around 13 weeks when it was starting to get better I went in for a drip and the junior doctor asked me if I wanted anti sickness meds, I said no. Clearly and emphatically. She then said have paracetamol in my drip. I again said no as I wasn't in pain, just dehydrated. Anyway I'm given the drip and wake up unable to breathe, semi hallucinating, and manage to press the buzzer as it was near my finger. Nurse runs in and says I'm probably overtired and drip is fast, she does obs anyway and nope I'm in anaphylactic shock. Junior doctor thought she knew best and prescribed me anti sickness meds which it turns out I'm allergic to. This was the first bad experience I had.

A little while later in my second trimester I start getting the worst back pain of my life and call an ambulance. They must have known what's coming as they immediately hooked me to gas and air and whisked me under blue lights. I get to a&e the lovely paramedics wish me goodbye and the best and leave. 3 different doctors come in, and ask me my symptoms, I outright tell them I'm losing my baby, they then ask if I have a bug/ stomach aches, etc etc. totally ignoring me. The first doctor makes sure I have no gas and air and am not even allowed paracetamol or ibuprofen till they can figure it out. Third junior doctor comes in and asks me if I have appendicitis?! I'm struggling to breathe now and my husband flips at him shouting SHES PREGNANT do you not share notes. Anyway he says he wants to feel my belly and presses down really hard, as he does so blood squirts everywhere, through my clothes, through the sheets and all over him too. He panics and the alarm blares. Consultants take over, and I deliver my little baby. Due to the nature of delivery the placenta is retained and they manually use a serrated scissor (?) to remove it?!! Now they say I can finally use the gas and air while they do this as I'm haemorrhaging. It was absolutely appalling and traumatising. And all of this in a&e with a million people around. It was so bad I refused the transfusion and made sure my husband refused it. It took me over a year to get my blood count back but it came back and all was well. I cried for weeks and every day (it was. Wednesday) at that same time I would remember and feel panic for ages. The postnatal care was amazing as they knew they botched up but I can now never deliver in that hospital.

When I finally tried again after years I had great antenatal care but when it came to delivery I couldn't even stomach the idea of it so a home birth was suggested. Even though it was my first full term baby and I was nervous etc I still preferred this. Eventually just before, the consultant said I needed to be induced at hospital as my baby was showing to be 10lbs. I was 38 weeks. I said no and really put my foot down as scans are so inaccurate and induction is no joke. I signed liability papers but had my baby at home at 40 weeks at a mere 7lb. The home birth was the hardest thing I ever done and at one point I begged for an epidural but once that passed it was the best decision I made. I'm pregnant again and the trauma is lessening, I'm trying to tell myself I may need to use the midwifery led unit but still struggle with putting myself back in those hands.

Reading this was utterly horrific, I'm so sorry OP. I hope you can get some therapy and talk your way through as much as you can, as well as your partner.

I do agree that hypnobirthing can be very extreme and hippy dippy 'you're designed for it so it must be a walk in the park', but there are some who focus more on keeping calm and knowing what's happening to the baby as well as being prepared for any outcome. After a traumatic first birth I think this really helped me (I no way wanted a c section by the very people who damaged me and my baby the first time, and neither did I want to deliver naturally. Hypnobirthing helped in that regard). The book I read also said it would be painful and to not freak out when the pain comes as it'll pass. My second labour was so so painful (back to back), but I kept calm and it did pass.

I think inductions are needed for some but the way they are used now is grossly disproportionate to how many women actually NEED them. I was offered one so many times for baby no.2 from way before the due date. I refused as there was no medical need in my opinion but more of a convenience. The biggest reason I was given was potential shoulder dystocia (which can be remedied in a natural delivery and induction doesn't mean it won't happen!). My baby still was back to back and took his sweeeet time coming and turning around. I often think imagine I'd got the induction and tried forcing him before he was ready. It would have been an absolute disaster. I think they work better when the mother is overdue and needs a little help.

My first birth taught me as a woman it's my job to know the facts, the details, the stats etc. the hospital will not give them to me. In an utopian world the caregivers should do this but unfortunately this isn't that so it's upon me to best prepare myself when I'm the one at risk. My second birth I was armed to my teeth with stats and refused all inductions and interventions based on medical research. I heard 3 midwives whisper very very loudly 'does she not care about her baby' and give me dirty looks. The doctor said I was acting like I know more and was just another person going against decades of the way things have been done. I demanded the senior consultant come who however commented 'wow you're well read' and then let me alone and agreed all my points were valid and inline with the most current research. I went on to also have a home birth the second time. I disagree with a previous poster about being left to push too long and needing a c section (unless it was in her case specifically), I just sucked at pushing as I suffer severe PGP and I was so sleepy. It took me two hours to push my baby out. The midwife told me in hospital for ease they would have given me an hour and then rushed me for a c section (after all that work!). That gave me the push I needed (pun intended) and I put more work into it and got him out. He came out perfectly. Healthy and screaming the place down. I often remember her words about how they would have pushed me for a c section (again for convenience and time) if I had taken longer than an hour to push (in my local hospital anyway). I also had a second degree tear as I really forced him out in one massive push. Again having read up, I asked if it was closer to first or third degree, they said first and I said I rather it heal naturally. My second degree tear healed beautifully without any pain on my part. At ten days they checked it again anyway in case it wasn't healing but there was no need for any intervention. I went to a private doctor who I had check it just for my own ease of mind and she said it healed like I never gave birth. Again I wouldn't have known my right to refuse stitching if I didn't have such a horrible first birth and read up like crazy. I also made sure I read horror stories to prepare my mind for the reality of how unpredictable birth can be. I'm doing it again now as I prepare for my third labour ().

Just to end I really reiterate my point about being well read and making informed decisions rather than trusting the medics outright. I always take some medical advice during my pregnancies (cervical cerclage) but again that's an informed decision on my part, not just because the doctor has said it. And when in the operating theatre boy oh boy do I make a point of my legs not being too wide so my pelvis doesn't become inflamed or irritated by how wide they spread them. (I had it written down and no one even checked or cared). I also make a huge fuss about the anaesthetist and how he/she will administer it, which needle they'll need etc (unfortunately again this is because of a botch up job in a previous pregnancy and having cluster migraines for days after. This time I never even knew I had been under spinal a couple hours later.) I hate being that irritating patient but actually sometimes (and often times) it's really needed and you aren't irritating but making sure you're heard!

I hope you can go on to have a nice healing birth in future OP. I know my second birth most definitely helped heal my first. And it was still traumatic (just because of the sheer level of pain I felt) but at the same time empowering and healing and I wasn't truly traumatised the second time, just the kind that needs to be forgotten so you can conceive again .

Wishing you the best @Fluffygreenslippers, hope you can get past this and enjoy your beautiful baby and the life you have to look forward to together.

It was the princess Alexandra in Harlow. Sorry I haven’t replied to new comments guys i’ve been so busy. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and for all the lovely supportive comments.

and hearing everyone elses stories has made me feel a lot better. Irl everyone I know had relatively straight forward births.
Bizarrely what made me feel better is watching an old tv programme called ‘bodies’ set on a gynaecology ward!

I’m sorry you had such a dire experience OP. If it helps at all I had a terrible first labour and birth and flashbacks which scared the fuck out of me and left me terrified of any pain. I couldn’t pluck my eyebrows without having a breakdown as the pain was triggering.
I had a second baby and made the consultant sellotape a note saying “must have early epidural” to the front with her signature on.
the second labour and birth was a cake walk! One lovely midwife, two hours of labour and a gorgeous baby!!! It was honestly so healing and made me realise the “bad” labour was something I could get over and not be haunted by for the rest of my life.
I hope you find something to help you. X

OP I am so so sorry about your experience. Your feeling are 100% valid. I have sadly heard too many stories about first time mums being pushed into inductions and suffering horrendous drawn out births. I’m lucky that I have friends (and a very kind and honest midwife) to warn me of the risks of inductions when doctors started pushing me in that direction for my second birth. DS had always measured big and I was offered induction three times before 40 weeks by doctors. I instead asked for a c-section and this was granted very quickly and without fuss. I made it clear I wasn’t mentally prepared to go through an induction and I think because I’m a second time mum they respected that. DS arrived at 39+4 and did turn out to be a big baby so there’s every likelihood he would have struggled to come out.

What scares me is I would have very likely agreed to induction if this had been my first baby. It upsets me so much how first time mums are treated. Neither or c-section are “natural”. They are both interventions and should be considered carefully, and certainly not one played down more than the other.

If you have the energy please do consider complaining via PALS. I actually did this about my postnatal care following the birth of my DD 4 years ago and it did help me reach some closure (we were treated very badly after her birth and I couldn’t let it rest). I also invested in some actual talking therapy to discuss her birth and aftercare and general first 6 months of motherhood. If you have the financial means I’d really recommend investing in a good therapist to help you work through some of your trauma.