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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Having children present at the birth of a sibling?

100 replies

hullaballoo19 · 29/08/2021 13:42

I'd love to hear from people who have done this! Dd is nearly 10 and I would love her to be present at the birth of her little sister in February (still a good while to go!) and she really wants to be there too. I am of course worried about whether it might be too stressful or upsetting to see me in pain etc. Dd and I have a very open relationship and I don't feel like it's inappropriate for a child to witness childbirth, but naturally I have some uncertainty. She's generally been very good the times she's seen me hurt myself and rushes right to helping (typically getting wet tissue for me 😂) and comforting me and doesn't get panicked. So yeah, I'm just wondering what others experiences of this have been.. thanks in advance for any input 😊

OP posts:

longerevenings · 29/08/2021 17:09

My DH had PTSD and needed trauma therapy after my birthing experience.

longerevenings · 29/08/2021 17:10

My DM had several home births, older dc didn't watch but we all still feel close to our siblings.

MattyGroves · 29/08/2021 17:22

It's also not more about me or what I want, I am very conscious that dd really wants to be a part of it and I want her to feel as involved as possible.

This is actually the main reason why I don't think it's a good idea. It's your labour, it damn well should be all about you and what will make you feel secure and ready to birth your baby. You shouldn't be thinking about how to make other people happy, even your existing DD.

TSSDNCOP · 29/08/2021 17:22

My sister was born in 1969 at home, I was 2.5 and spirited off to an aunties.

Claypotkitchentable · 29/08/2021 17:23

You could traumatise her for life. You have no control over how it will pan out. There’s no way I’d have my daughter there.

Landlubber2019 · 29/08/2021 17:29

I know someone who had 2 children at the birth of her 3rd child. I thought she was bonkers but from all accounts it was a lovely experience.

I personally wouldn't have my children when I birthed but I had complex deliveries and they would be traumatised.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 29/08/2021 17:30

My DN was there at age 10 when contractions started for DSis at home. She was so freaked out by just the contractions that for years she told everyone that she wasn't having children and it took her till she was 36 until she did.

As others have said, even a straightforward birth can be traumatic for children.

2bazookas · 29/08/2021 17:47

Its a bonkers idea.

She is far too young to have any real grasp of what happens in all stages of chjildbirth . Watching " Call the Midwife" doesn't count.

You might very well be completely unable to support, reassure her or comfort her if she becomes distressed; and the midwives need to focus on you and the baby, not a 10 yr old.

None of us knows what complications could arise during labour; and many of them could traumatise a 10 yr old for life. Imagine she has to watch an episiotomy, a ventouse delivery; a baby born with cord round neck, a baby that doesn't start breathing and has to be resuscitated. Or you haemmoraging, screaming, needing gas and air etc.

BruceAndNosh · 29/08/2021 17:51

Your child present at the birth of your baby?

Heck I didn't want to be in the room when I was giving birth, but unfortunately was too integral to the process to leave...

Aubree17 · 29/08/2021 17:58

I don't think she would appreciate the moment enough to outweigh the potential negatives of being present.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 29/08/2021 18:02

Heck I didn't want to be in the room when I was giving birth, but unfortunately was too integral to the process to leave...

Pretty sure that I remember feeling very similar...

twinningatlife · 29/08/2021 18:02

Well I'm certain one advantage would be that you'll put her off having her own child for a couple of decades and so you won't need to have the mother/teenage daughter contraception talk when the time comes 🤣

Whitewolf2 · 29/08/2021 19:11

Surely the risk of any issues or complications would put you off? I was fine birth 1, but birth 2 I bled out, had to be carted off to theatre while husband stood next to massive pool of my blood… I think he’s still a bit traumatised! I’m definitely not the only person I know where birth has gone ‘a bit wrong’ either!

c24680 · 29/08/2021 19:21

I've seen my mum in pain at the age of 9 and it was traumatic. I had seen her poorly before than but this was something else and it really effected me and my siblings, it happened a few years later again. I don't think you realise what it feels like to see your mother in pain and not being able to help in anyway at all and how being there isn't enough does not stop the pain.

When I was in my late 20's she had pancreatitis and was in agony again and it brought it all back.

I'd seriously reconsider having her there no matter how much she wants to be there!

PollyValent · 29/08/2021 19:23

Oh yes I agree, I saw my Dad fall ill suddenly at about that age and it's etched in my memory. It was fairly traumatic!

KittenKong · 29/08/2021 19:24

I helped nurse my mum after she had surgery as an adult. She was a woman who suffered horrible bad health, then cancer (and ops as a result). She usually made a joke of it all and made light of it ‘aye well, one kidney? Well that’s why you get two... I can’t eat chocolate though...but I can still have a sneaky glass of wine because what the surgeon doesn’t see can’t hurt me...’

It pretty much traumatised me as an adult.

linerforlife · 29/08/2021 19:29

My friend had her three other kids come in after her fourth was born in a pool in her living room. It was captured on video as supposedly a lovely moment of them meeting their new sibling - it was actually v sad to watch them come in and look horrified at the blood in the pool etc and look quite scared. Having them actually present for the birth would be a step too far for me I'm afraid.

olderthanyouthink · 29/08/2021 19:42

DD 2.5 came in while I was pushing (home birth) and she was initially upset by my noise as she's quite sensitive about that and worried about my pin but we had talked about it before and with a little reminding and reassurance she was ok. She didn't want to look at the water when the head was born but was fine once he was out. After the birth I was shattered and she had a great time trailing round after the midwives.

Thinking about it she doesn't ever mention anything about the things that she didn't like she just talks about the baby in my belly coming out in the pool and that it was hard work getting in out. Trust me she looooves to go on about things that upset her, her highchair collapsed and we heard about it for weeks.

Though very different for a 10 year old and it won't become such a blur for and older child.

In case of emergency a bag was packed for her and she'd have gone to a familiar neighbour till family could collect her.

Treezan82 · 29/08/2021 19:47

Absolutely wouldn't do this. I had a lovely, zen homebirth with my 2nd child which went very quickly and smoothly and I was still howling and shouting "shit fuck cunt" when the adrenaline kicks in right at the end. Imagine of it hadn't been quick or smooth? Could be terrifying.

Treezan82 · 29/08/2021 19:49

Also my mum had us all at home and none of were ever there for the births but were the first to see the new one which was nice in itself. No way would she have let us see, she barely wanted my dad there.

ItsSnowJokes · 29/08/2021 19:53

My daughter was at my home birth but she was 19 so a bit different. I think 10 is a difficult age but only you know how your daughter will react. My daughter said she wouldn't have wanted to miss it, but it was hard seeing me in pain. It has also put her off giving birth apparently .

Her and her sibling have such a close bond and I am sure a lot of it is as she was there at the very beginning.

nottheBBCnews · 29/08/2021 22:07

That a dreadful idea. Why would anyone even consider this

BertieBotts · 29/08/2021 22:12

It's quite a normal thing to do at a home birth. I think if you'd put home birth in your title or asked in a home birth specific forum you'd get very different responses.

I just had DS3 in hospital but DS1 age 12 was around and interested for the first stages which of course happened at home.

I think it's important for the child to have the opportunity to be elsewhere if they want or need to and to have an adult just for them around.

PhiRhoSigma · 29/08/2021 22:31

I had a home birth with my third DD, and our other two (aged 5 and 7) stayed at home the whole time. They held baby as soon she was born.
We had contingencies planned in case of a problem, but it was all fine, and I felt it made childbirth seem just a normal process to our older DDs.
I've spoken about it many times with them since, they have definitely not been traumatised, if anything they barely remember it because it was just a normal morning for them really, they watched TV mostly!

loafcake · 29/08/2021 22:43

I'm gonna go against most people on this thread and say you would know best.

Definitely a homebirth would be the way to go so you're both in familiar surroundings and she can easily go to her room if things get a bit too much for her and before even considering it I'd prep her on all stages of childbirth so she knows what she's in for.
I'm planning a homebirth for my next baby due in March and haven't got any plans for childcare away from home for my (admittedly much younger) 2 year old and will happily have her in the room with me.

As your daughter is older, she will be so much more aware of what's going on, so information would be key! But as long as it's what you want and what she wants then there's always a way to make it happen.

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