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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Having children present at the birth of a sibling?

100 replies

hullaballoo19 · 29/08/2021 13:42

I'd love to hear from people who have done this! Dd is nearly 10 and I would love her to be present at the birth of her little sister in February (still a good while to go!) and she really wants to be there too. I am of course worried about whether it might be too stressful or upsetting to see me in pain etc. Dd and I have a very open relationship and I don't feel like it's inappropriate for a child to witness childbirth, but naturally I have some uncertainty. She's generally been very good the times she's seen me hurt myself and rushes right to helping (typically getting wet tissue for me 😂) and comforting me and doesn't get panicked. So yeah, I'm just wondering what others experiences of this have been.. thanks in advance for any input 😊

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 29/08/2021 14:48

No. For a few reasons but one of the biggest is that it's possible for it to go very wrong - I obviously hope this doesn't happen but you could have a stillbirth or major problems, it could be awful for your 10 year old.

But more pragmatically, you may not feel able to labour properly while also feeling responsible for another child

SnowyPetals · 29/08/2021 14:57

This does not sound like a good idea. As PP have said, a lot can go wrong and you really don't want the added stress of your child to deal with if that happens.

PollyValent · 29/08/2021 14:59

No.

Booknooks · 29/08/2021 15:02

Are you planning a homebirth? I'd say being in familiar surroundings, with her own space to retreat to if she likes and presumably more support around is different to being in a hospital where she will be somewhat forced to stay even if it gets too much. It might also be the case that you aren't comfortable with her there, birth is natural and beautiful, but also unpredictable and sometimes dangerous, and you don't want to be in a situation like that I wouldn't have thought.

My friend had a home birth, her daughter was in the house but didn't want to come down until baby had safely arrived (she is 11).

LaBellina · 29/08/2021 15:02

I think a 10 year old can’t fully grasp yet how intense it is to watch someone (her mother in this case so even more so) giving birth and I think she’s not really able to decide that she really wants to see this. I’m no prude by any means but I really think it’s a bad idea, this is too much grown up stuff. I might have said yes to this as a 10 year old (thankfully my mother never invited me) and would very likely feel really uncomfortable about it, looking back as an adult.

longerevenings · 29/08/2021 15:02

I had a difficult birth unexpectedly so think this is a terrible idea.
Even if it goes well I'm not sure it good idea, giving birth isn't a spectator sport.

PricklesTheHedgehog · 29/08/2021 15:03

I would say let her come in soon after the birth. Not during it.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 29/08/2021 15:04

My 4yo recently asked if she could watch her siblings' births. I said no. Mainly because I think I need to be in a certain headspace and I don't find it consistent with having a preschooler around.

PumpkinKlNG · 29/08/2021 15:09

Would be an absolute no for me

hauntedvagina · 29/08/2021 15:10

I question at times if my husband should have been there for the birth of DS1. It was not a straightforward delivery and I know how frightened and helpless he felt.

There's not a chance in hell I would let my child be there for a birth.

The8thMonth · 29/08/2021 15:11

I had 3 DSs, all planned home births. The kids were all there but never "saw" the birth. They knew it was going to happen though.

When DS2 was born, DS1 was home but really didn't even notice what was going on. DH was feeding him some lunch while I was being cared for by midwives and gave birth. He came in after I was tucked up in bed. He met his brother while I was being washed and DH was doing skin to skin.

When DS3 was born, to be honest, I knew that I wouldn't give birth until the first two were asleep. DS1 (6yrs) and DS2 (5yrs) were there for most of the labour. It was just a normal evening, except for the midwives and I having to stop every once and a while for contractions. They were put to bed as normal and DS3 arrived an hour later. They were so excited the next day to meet their new brother.

Birth is never risk free. I was low risk and the midwives were fine with the kids being in the house. Only you can make the right decision for you Flowers

user1471447924 · 29/08/2021 15:11

Absolutely not, it just isn’t appropriate at all.

LynetteScavo · 29/08/2021 15:15

I would have said no, but I had a home birth, DC2 woke up just before DC3 was born, and and joined us just. It was perfectly fine.

However, I wouldn't build up a ten year olds hopes. If she happens to be there and all's going well, then she can join you, but I think you need to be prepared that another adult may need to be with her if necessary.

There is no way I'd be taking a 10yo to hospital with me!

namechange7865 · 29/08/2021 15:17

I think think the cons outweighs the pros here. Whilst there are some pros, the potential cons could be quite traumatic. I think my biggest fear, beyond trauma if something went wrong, would be her getting upset by the experience and it scaring her, as a girl it's a situation she could find herself in one day, the experience could empower her, or terrify her, she is going to view it very differently to a boy who only has to empathise, she is going to realise that's something she has to do if she wants to be a mum, that's a lot of pressure on you then to try and not scare her when you should just be concentrating on safely birthing your child whatever noise you need to make or position you need to get into. I think she's very young to emotionally understand all that.

Just to add I had a homebirth with my son at home, he was 3 and in bed at the time.

Imtootired · 29/08/2021 15:20

My 10 year old son was in the hospital with me when I had my baby but was in an area around the corner separated by a curtain on his iPad and my mum was also there checking on him from time to time. For us it was perfect because there were no complications and he was the first one to hold his baby brother. It was so special!!! But it was a bit stressful knowing he was there. At one point I shouted out “J*** go away!!!!!” Because I felt like he was coming in to bother me even though he was still sitting in his spot. We had a laugh about that afterwards. But all in all it was great to have him nearby. An activity to pass the time and someone to check on him made it possible though as I couldn’t have coped with him right near me and talking to me.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/08/2021 15:25

I doubt very much the hospital would allow her to be there.

Mantlemoose · 29/08/2021 15:33

Honestly, I don't even think the fathers should be there - more room for professionals!

ILoveAnOwl · 29/08/2021 15:42

My son (3 at the time) was in the house when his sister was born (homebirth) but not in the room.

My concern would be if something went wrong and then he'd have seen that. He was there literally moments after she was born (cord was still attached) and saw that side of things, but not the actual birth.

OnlyFlans · 29/08/2021 15:44

No way would I have allowed this.

I was in so much pain (no time for pain relief as it was a v quick Labour) and so 'zoned out' it would have scared my DC plus 30 mins after DC2 was born he had to be stabilised and rushed off to NICU with breathing issues. Would not have wanted DC to see that, was v upsetting for everyone present.

Kite22 · 29/08/2021 15:46

Awful idea.
Let her be a child.
There is no reason to put her through seeing you in so much pain - and that's even if everything goes smoothly. Don't even like to think about if it doesn't.
Not appropriate at all.

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2021 15:46

Hell no. Some adults get traumatised by seeing even a straightforward birth, let alone children. If there was a complication and she had to be rushed out of the room that could be even worse.
I know if I’d seen my mum go through that when I was a child I’d have been very upset.
A couple of my male colleagues were quite shaken by seeing their child’s birth, one of them said at one point there was a lot of blood and although he wasn’t at all squeamish, he was shocked by it and worried that his wife might die.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2021 15:47

God no- not unless you are trying to put her off u protected sex

AnxiousPixie · 29/08/2021 15:49

Had two friends do this at a home birth. Was a wonderful experience for the older siblings both times. But then everything was ok. Both had had straight forward births and were low risk. Your body, your family, your risk assessment.

sunshinesupermum · 29/08/2021 15:49

Absolutely not. How can you ask your child to watch you in pain (and heaven forbid there is a crisis) - that child could be scarred for life. YABVU

Peanutsandchilli · 29/08/2021 15:52

Home birth where the child can come and go as they please, and there's another adult to reassure her, fine.
Hospital birth, absolutely not. They have a limit on numbers in the room (usually only 2 other people, and that's without covid) and you couldn't leave a 10 year old on her own if you were to get rushed to theatre. She'd be bored stupid because you'll be in there for hours, even with a normal delivery. Midwives don't need to be working around a worried child. It's not appropriate.