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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Having children present at the birth of a sibling?

100 replies

hullaballoo19 · 29/08/2021 13:42

I'd love to hear from people who have done this! Dd is nearly 10 and I would love her to be present at the birth of her little sister in February (still a good while to go!) and she really wants to be there too. I am of course worried about whether it might be too stressful or upsetting to see me in pain etc. Dd and I have a very open relationship and I don't feel like it's inappropriate for a child to witness childbirth, but naturally I have some uncertainty. She's generally been very good the times she's seen me hurt myself and rushes right to helping (typically getting wet tissue for me 😂) and comforting me and doesn't get panicked. So yeah, I'm just wondering what others experiences of this have been.. thanks in advance for any input 😊

OP posts:

SionnachRua · 29/08/2021 15:56

Christ no, OP! I don't care how close your relationship is, she's your child and not your friend. If you have to be immediately whipped off into theatre (or any of the many other things that can go wrong, go wrong) how do you think your child will cope with that? Are you expecting the staff to be able to coach her through it all?

Maassi · 29/08/2021 16:02

What an appalling idea.

diamondpony80 · 29/08/2021 16:10

Not a chance. I don’t want to put my DD off having kids of her own one day! I think she would be terrified and psychologically damaged by it to be honest.

elliejjtiny · 29/08/2021 16:14

No. With my various births I have had 2 1 year olds, a 2 year old and a 3 year old around for the early bit of labour while waiting to be collected by grandparents. The 3 year-old was upset for a long time about it but the younger ones were ok. They met their new sibling when we came home from the hospital (dc2) or after school with the younger dc. My older 4 actually met dc5 before I did.

I know your dc is older than mine were but I really don't think it's a good idea. So much can happen at birth that can be traumatic for an adult, never mind a 10 year-old.

TSSDNCOP · 29/08/2021 16:15

Given the choice, I wouldn't even want to be in the room with me when I'm giving birth. DH was completely traumatised by the whole thing.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/08/2021 16:23

Nope. The only child that should be ‘allowed’ in the room is the one being born.
Utterly ridiculous.

RobinPenguins · 29/08/2021 16:26

Perhaps if it’s a home birth and then you can gauge how things are going and if it’s appropriate for her to be in the room or not? But if it’s a hospital, no fucking way.

roolz · 29/08/2021 16:35

10 is too old and too young at the same time. They are old enough to remember but immature enough to be upset or traumatised

Surely, you wouldn't even want her there? You're likely to be irritable when in pain. Unless it's a quick spontaneous birth and there's no other option, kids shouldn't be around. There's a reason kids aren't invited to the hospital to watch siblings being born.

As a compromise, you could take a video (not genitals) of the moment her sibling is born. No 10 year old needs to see their mother writhing, moaning and pushing a baby out of her bloodied vagina

Justgettingbye · 29/08/2021 16:38

No chance. You don't know how the birth will go what if you start shouting and swearing at her or she wants to go home/becomes upset what will happen then? Obviously it's been covered but getting wheeled off on a trolley etc..

Palsy · 29/08/2021 16:39

Let her be a child.

Absolutely.

Was she there for the conception too?

ufucoffee · 29/08/2021 16:41

Good God woman. No. This is all about you and what you want. Absolutely no reason whatsoever for a sibling to be at a birth. It could be very traumatic and you have no way of knowing if it could be or not, so don't.

twinningatlife · 29/08/2021 16:43

Myself and my twins nearly died when they were born - no way would I have wanted my older child to experience that. I still have PTSD can't imagine what it would be like for a child

Quite frankly I think it's a bit weird to even be thinking about it especially if it's a hospital birth (probably a moot point anyway since I don't know any hospitals that allow children in the delivery suites)

Runrigdan · 29/08/2021 16:45

Absolutely not. I'm going to hope it's just the hormones making you consider this.

The only way I could see it maybe working is if you have a home birth with another trusted adult there too, so that she can come and go at depending how labour goes.

My first birth was long and nearly had an unpleasant outcome. I hate that my husband saw it, never mind a child.

GinIronic · 29/08/2021 16:46

Absolutely no. It’s too bloody, too intimate and too frightening at the business end for one so young. She will be traumatised for life!

Terrhins · 29/08/2021 16:47

Wow these replies.

I had a home birth for my third, went into Labour at night, baby born at 6:30, my two DC woke up when she crowned & came downstairs while I delivered the placenta to meet their baby’s sister. 1 stayed with me while I was having placenta sorted & checked over & 1 went to help dress sister & put nappy on.

Not traumatised, we spoke about the birth leading up to it, watched age appropriate programmes & I warned them that I would be in pain/making a lot of noises.

What do people think happened before women went into hospital before the 1950/60s?

catwithflowers · 29/08/2021 16:48

My kids were 4 and 6 when their brother was born at home. They were asleep as he was born at 4am and my mum woke them up to meet him when he was about 5 minutes old 😊. No trauma and they still remember it now. I thought it was rather special. Being there at the actual birth is rather different of course

FriedasCarLoad · 29/08/2021 16:51

I know someone who did this and it was a very positive experience for everyone involved.

Worth having an extra adult on hand though, who can quickly take her out if she becomes distressed or anything goes wrong.

ufucoffee · 29/08/2021 16:52

@Terrhins

Wow these replies.

Not traumatised, we spoke about the birth leading up to it, watched age appropriate programmes & I warned them that I would be in pain/making a lot of noises.

What do people think happened before women went into hospital before the 1950/60s?

I'm the 60's when my sibling was born at home I was kept well away from what was going on.

Booknooks · 29/08/2021 16:56

What do people think happened before women went into hospital before the 1950/60s?

It wasn't commonplace to be in the same room.

Kite22 · 29/08/2021 16:57

I was born at home in the 60s. My mother didn't consider it a spectator sport. My siblings went to neighbours/friends' house.

Cruiser123 · 29/08/2021 16:58

I couldn't imagine anything worse.

I lost over 2 litres of blood during my first birth. It was very traumatic for my partner to witness, a grownup man. I wouldn't put any child through this.

I also wouldn't like my child see me in such a situation, with a head coming through my vagina and me screaming like an animal 😂

roolz · 29/08/2021 16:59

In regards to the 1960s and prior, I wasn't alive but I doubt kids were present. In the past and today in other parts of the world, it's a woman centred thing. Kids and husbands sometimes stay well clear

Lj8893 · 29/08/2021 17:00

I’m a midwife who specialises in homebirths and have been present at many homebirths where siblings have been involved.

Most of the time they arnt too bothered by it and are in and out of the room. Some siblings have been fascinated and amazing support for thier mothers and been really involved.

Some children (usually younger) are just in the way and just a bit of a pain!

I’ve never noticed any of them become traumatised or upset or uncomfortable though. But usually they have had lots of discussion and prep leading up to the birth and generally homebirths are really straightforward with no emergency’s.

I cannot stress enough though making sure you have another adult on hand to be with them if they need the care or if you need to transfer in though. And also, I have been present at births where the mother fully intended to have thier child present but when it came down to it, they didn’t feel right about it and it hindered their labour so they changed the plan.

If you are planning a hospital birth I highly doubt you will be able to have your child present, and if you are planning that then you absolutely need to discuss this with the maternity unit beforehand to make sure they are ok with it.

Original poster

hullaballoo19 · 29/08/2021 17:05

I appreciate all replies (even those who think I'm crazy!), though I was angling for replies from people who have actually done it and had positive OR negative experiences. Those who have replied along the lines of absolutely f*ing not but haven't done it themselves, I've obviously heard this perspective plenty as most people don't think it's appropriate and haven't done it. The reasons people have given for not doing it are voicing all the uncertainties I myself have been considering, so no I'm not crazy and am thinking about these things 😊

It's also not more about me or what I want, I am very conscious that dd really wants to be a part of it and I want her to feel as involved as possible. To be clear, that's not me saying 'oh darling you can have whatever you want even if it's inappropriate and you're traumatised', and if we decide that the cons outweigh the benefits then we will just do our best to have her as involved as possible without actually being there during and she will be fine I'm sure.

I'm aware that hospitals won't allow children so this is only a consideration for if we choose to have a home birth. And under those circumstances I would have my mum here for dd (to do whatever is needed for dds well-being).

OP posts:

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 29/08/2021 17:07

My BIL still has PTSD from my sisters birth where both she and the baby nearly died.

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