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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Having children present at the birth of a sibling?

100 replies

hullaballoo19 · 29/08/2021 13:42

I'd love to hear from people who have done this! Dd is nearly 10 and I would love her to be present at the birth of her little sister in February (still a good while to go!) and she really wants to be there too. I am of course worried about whether it might be too stressful or upsetting to see me in pain etc. Dd and I have a very open relationship and I don't feel like it's inappropriate for a child to witness childbirth, but naturally I have some uncertainty. She's generally been very good the times she's seen me hurt myself and rushes right to helping (typically getting wet tissue for me 😂) and comforting me and doesn't get panicked. So yeah, I'm just wondering what others experiences of this have been.. thanks in advance for any input 😊

OP posts:

Johnnybaby · 29/08/2021 14:04

It will be upsetting for her definitely! Not to mention the amount of things that could go wrong. No one needs to see their mum this way, and no one that young needs to see birth. It's bonkers, honestly op, don't do it. Would the hospital even allow it?

Palavah · 29/08/2021 14:07

at the birth?

That sounds like a risky situation. It's likely to be at best incredibly boring for her or at worst terribly traumatic.

What happens if there are complications? Even a straightforward birth could be extremely confusing and frightening for a child of that age.

Please don't.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/08/2021 14:07

No, don't think it's suitable, no matter the relationship or preparation. This is not her role.

Palavah · 29/08/2021 14:08

Also, the kind of hurt that can be fixed with wet tissue is in no way comparable.

EdithWeston · 29/08/2021 14:09

I wouldn't.

You only know a birth is normal once it's happened. Chances are you'll be fine, but as there is the (remote) risk you won't be, I wouldn't have a DC either there, or facing the possibility of being removed (which could be very scary)

Sakura7 · 29/08/2021 14:12

Absolutely not, I don't understand why anyone wants to do this. You've no idea how it will go and how she will feel, it could be very upsetting for her.

Elouera · 29/08/2021 14:14

Have you spoken to the midwives about it? They might have books or videos they could recommend, or advice on whether its a good/bad idea and the pros/cons.

I work in a medical field, and seeing my 1st birth was quite shocking. I never expected so much blood, mucous, gunk and the smell! I'm not sure how a 10yr would cope or think and if it would be just too traumatic and confusing.

YNK · 29/08/2021 14:16

31y ago my then 6yo DS stayed for his sisters home birth. He had the option to be elsewhere in the house or next door with our good friends.
The midwives made it really special for him and he was really excited to tell everyone the details. Apparently he regaled the customers of the local chippy with takes of his sister being tied up with a big blue rope!
Within a week of him being at school he didn't want to talk about it so excitedly and after that he didn't mention it again.
I was also left in no doubt that I had done something my community deeply disapproved of.

EmeraldGreenVelvet · 29/08/2021 14:16

There have been threads on this before. In theory it's a nice idea, in practice there is a lot that could go wrong with the birth which you would really not want a ten year old to witness.

Would it not put you off labouring? After a slow start my labour really got going about five minutes after DM took DD1 off to her house and I could relax. How would DD feel to hear you moaning / crying in pain?

I doubt they would allow it in a hospital, especially at the moment when birth partners are limited because of Covid. The only time I might consider it would be if I was having a second baby at home and DD could be around for early labour but step well away with a grandparent when I needed to get down to the business of pushing. Then she could come back into the room the moment her sibling was born and breathing. That would be nice. I still think you'd need another adult there for the aftermath though, one to look after you and one to take care of your DD.

Fubitch · 29/08/2021 14:17

This is the worst idea ever.

PrimeraVez · 29/08/2021 14:18

For me a big part of saying ‘no’ is because I hate being touched and talked to when I’m in labour and in the ‘zone’ so worry I wouldn’t be able to do the whole ‘don’t worry sweetie! Mummy’s fine!’ thing. I would be more likely to be screeching at her to get the fuck off me and shut up, which wouldn’t be ideal!

Unfashionable · 29/08/2021 14:20

That sounds like the worst idea I have ever heard in my life. The risk of traumatising the poor kid for life is just far too high to be acceptable.

Pokhora · 29/08/2021 14:20

I had a 10 year old child at home during a home birth but he was asleep/out of the way for the actual birth. I would not have like him in the room then and think it would have been quite a difficult thing for him to see. It was however lovely having him around pretty soon after the birth.

Workinghardeveryday · 29/08/2021 14:20

Without sounding mean (really don’t mean too!) this has to be your hormones talking!
Why would you want to put her through that? Lots of men faint watching. Childbirth is the most amazing thing a person can go through - also the most horrendous thing. She is a child, she doesn’t understand really how it will affect her. If mum says it’s okay she will be excited about it.
There are somethings children should not witness, this is one of them. She will never forget it and highly lightly for the wrong reasons! It could affect her having kids in the future.
Please don’t do it @hullaballoo19

Knittingupastorm · 29/08/2021 14:21

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. But my concern would be something going wrong. I was very low risk for my labour and the midwife suggested a home birth. But I haemorrhaged and I can only imagine that that would be extremely upsetting for a child. I’m not sure what the benefits are that would make the risk of that worth it.

mulberrybag · 29/08/2021 14:21

My siblings watched my mother give birth and now as mid-thirty something adults they both have very major fears - I'd go so far so to say phobia with one, regarding childbirth, the experience has definitely traumatised them and it was a relatively straight forward birth

ancientgran · 29/08/2021 14:22

I had a homebirth and my 3 year old came in as soon as baby was delivered, he saw them cut the cord and he helped with first bath. I wouldn't have had a child there for the actual birth in case something went wrong. My next baby, number 3, was a very very scary EMCS, they didn't even let my husband speak to me doctor just said, "Baby needs to come now" and they grabbed the bed and ran. I wouldn't have wanted a child to see that.

Thinking about it I've had long labours and I think a child might get a bit bored and definitely a bit tired. Could you have her in for some of the labour and then her coming in as soon as baby is out?

PotteringAlong · 29/08/2021 14:25

It’s fine if it’s fine.

If, God forbid, she’s watching them trying and failing to resuscitate her sibling on the floor as you howl whilst your youngest child dies it’s the worst idea in the world.

Now, there are any number of things that can happen between those 2 extremes and you cannot legislate for them. Yes, it’s unlikely. But, it’s so easily avoidable by not having her there.

jellybe · 29/08/2021 14:25

If you are going into hospital I doubt they will let you even if you put her as your birth partner (only one allowed currently) most delivery suites have a no kids policy all the time let alone during covid.

If you are having a home birth then you can have anyone you like there. Have you thought about a home birth? Then DD can be there but easily take herself off to another room if it becomes to much for her.

I know friends who have had their children present but this was 5 year olds or younger.

KittenKong · 29/08/2021 14:26

The staff won’t be willing to babysit a ten year old - what if she gets scared or wants to go home, where could she crash out in a long birth? Plus the language could be a bit industrial for little ears.

pjani · 29/08/2021 14:27

I disagree! I think it could be really special. I listen to a birth story podcast (Australian Birth Stories) and there have been a bunch of really beautiful ones with siblings. A big question is though: how was your previous Labour/s? I’d pretty smooth and you are thinking a home birth, and you’ll have a few other trusted adults around who can take charge of the situation, I’d say go for it.

NLondondiva · 29/08/2021 14:27

Awful idea. My 3 yr old was present at her sibling’s birth when I went into unexpectedly rapid labour at home. It was not ideal - she didn’t like my screaming and seeing me in pain. Luckily it was a straightforward birth, and fortunately she was too young to have much of a lasting memory of it.

I understand where you are coming from though. Even with a 3 yr old, I felt that she was my priority and wanted to plan everything around her (which in hindsight is probably why I didn’t make it to the hospital on time!). But remember she is your daughter and not your friend/support and it isn’t fair to give her this role, even if she thinks she wants it.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 29/08/2021 14:28

I've never done it but I know of people who've had their dc at a home birth and it went fine. You'd need to have back up childcare so if you or she change your mind you can get her out quickly. Presumably you know from experience you can be reasonably calm when you're in pain/in labour?

peboh · 29/08/2021 14:34

I would personally never have a child around this situation. At the age of 27, I couldn't cope with watching my mum in any kind of pain, let alone birth at the age of 10. That would be so traumatic for me. What would you do if something went wrong, would she be herded out into the hallway, and left to wait with no one to tell her anything (doctors wouldn't tell a 10 year old any information about you)
Also she's your child, it's too much pressure to put the supporting role of labour partner on her.

surreymum89 · 29/08/2021 14:44

My 10 year old DD was present at the hospital birth of her younger sibling , she wanted to be there , we had talked about it a lot she knew she could leave whenever she wanted and she might have to leave for various reasons and I would have had her leave at the first indication of any difficulties , her dad and my mum (her Nan) were present also so she was well cared for and wasn't just left alone in the corner. It was a very special experience.

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