C-section due to tokophobia - tell people reason or not?

[sarah13xx]

I’ve had the biggest phobia of birth my whole life. Had decided I wasn’t having children and only changed my mind when I was absolutely sure I could have a c-section. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but to me it’s the option I can cope with. My c-section was approved and is now very soon, only my mum and a few close friends know it’s a section (and have always known my reasons). I haven’t told anyone who I think will be judgemental or enter into any debate about it (MIL for example). Just can’t be bothered with it before I’ve had the baby and think it would be easier to brush over after they’re here.

What do I say after the baby is born about why it was a c-section? Say the baby was breech and hide behind a lie I shouldn’t need to hide behind or be brave and say the real reason? I just can’t face the judgemental comments about it. It’s so bizarre when it’s literally a human coming out of your vagina or not but people think they have the right to know every intimate detail of what happened and why 🤦🏼‍♀️ How do I shut them down in one sentence without creating any further conversation on it? 🙈

I had a c section privately for similar reasons. I’m very much not from a background where anyone else I know has given birth at a private hospital (in laws kindly paid) and people still didn’t ask

People shouldn't ask.

Your phobia is real and people struggle everyday. If they didn't think it was serious they wouldn't agree to a c section.

Don't feel embarrassed or lie. If people feel the need to judge that says more about them than you!

Good luck and wishing you a speedy recovery. Take lots of time.

@3luckystars Aw amazing! Glad hers went so well. She sounds exactly like me. At 16 weeks I was frantic at the fact they were still kicking the decision further down the line and I desperately wanted to speak to a consultant asap. I saw a different midwife at 22 weeks and just about started crying when I was telling her, so she referred me there and then. I was really building myself up for giving my reasons to the consultant and I’d printed 5 pages of notes to read out in case they tried to tell me no 🙈 Luckily I didn’t need half of it! I will be over the moon when an actual baby appears. I feel like I can’t even picture that bit because I’m just so anxious about making it to the planned date first of all and then getting in there and getting the spinal done! As soon as that’s over I think I will start to get excited 😊 Hopefully mine goes just as smoothly as your sisters

@OceanTurtles you’re right, they shouldn’t! Thank you

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange That’s good, glad they didn’t ! A private hospital was my next option if they’d said no to me

@sarah13xx I think I replied to one of your earlier threads about how to request a c section.. I'm so glad to hear you've got the decision made, it's such a relief isn't it!
I totally get that it's an awkward topic of conversation, but I kind of think well if people feel like they have free reign to talk about their water birth / induction / forceps / epidural etc etc then I have just as much right to tell them about my birth - I had an elective c section, it was my choice and the doctors were happy to sign it off. Before I had my baby I had a couple of friends telling me all about what to expect with a vaginal delivery and I just stopped them and said actually I'm having a planned c section, totally my choice, because I am generally an anxious person and this felt like the right decision. I agree with others that have mentioned that it needs to be much less of a taboo and also many women still don't even realise this option is available to them on the NHS..so I think it's good to be open about it even if you get a funny reaction (i never experienced this but maybe people were just being polite lol)

[quote sarah13xx]@MyCatDribbles I think that’s the thing, the reason this is still a taboo subject in 2021 is because people aren’t honest about it due to everyone else’s opinions but it’s just a vicious circle. I feel like I’ve already lied to some people almost kidding on I think it’s a vaginal birth I’m having but only because they’ve asked questions that are none of their business and I’ve been vague in my answer. Sorry to hear your reason, hope yours goes well[/quote]
Don’t give a reason unless they ask.if they do ask you say you have and always had an extreme phobia of giving birth, you were offered this option after a speaking to a consultant so you went for it.
Don’t feel you have to detail any further than that. You don’t need to explain the details to anyone at all.

Nobody asked me the reason why for mine - but if they do for you, just say something vague like ‘labour didn’t progress’ (that was the reason I ended up having one)

@sarah13xx

my inner imp would tell your MIL some unbelievable story with lots of details. and when it gets back to you and people are checking if you are ok you can be faked shocked and say "huh? that's not true at all"
would that teach her?

mwahaha🤣

@Caneloalvarez yes I think you did! Thanks! Sooo glad to have it approved first of all and then get the official date so I know it’s actually happening 😅 my group of close friends have always heard me going on about it anytime anyone mentions birth so I didn’t really have to tell any of them as such. It’s mainly just family that aren’t my immediate family or his family who I’m imagining will ask. I do think shutting down the conversation with a lie is partly why people like me have felt the way I have and almost felt embarrassed to admit it. If it was a more open discussion more people would know about it and would just expect people to give birth either one way or the other depending on their preferences. You get to choose how you want to give birth vaginally, where you want to do it, what drugs you want etc so it should be no different. I think il feel so proud of myself I almost want to post it on my Instagram after and make it clear why I had it in case anyone else feels the same as me. Quite a few celebrities in the last few years have opened up about it. Millie Macintosh posted the other day about how her baby’s position was part of the reason but it had always been her birth preference. Kate lawler was like me from the start and she just told all her followers on Instagram! Not everyone is ever going to understand but whether a baby’s head comes out your vagina or not literally couldn’t be less of anyone else’s business if it tried 🙈

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba 🤣 could very easily catch her out like that! We had a scan early on and they had to schedule another one because of the baby’s position so couldn’t do a lot of the checks. It was a bit scary at the time and we told no one (except close family). Everything turned out fine but my friend messaged me saying some woman in asda was randomly telling her about someone who had this scan blah blah blah, mid conversation she clicked she was talking about me and asked if it was me.. it was! So she was just telling random people about that 🤦🏼‍♀️ Why would someone in asda have any interest in my scan?! It wasn’t exactly happy news to be sharing with folk either! From that point on I said to my husband, she finds out NOTHING!! 😂

[quote sarah13xx]@KateTheEighth I agree! The majority of people won’t have any interest, the main person I’m imagining persistently asking is my MIL. Was on the phone to her the other night while she told me not to have an epidural because she didn’t 🙄 I just said nothing until that topic of conversation passed! Felt like saying yeah good for you 🙂[/quote]

My mil told me that my c section (emergency not that it matters) with ds1 wasn't a proper birth so I completely understand

@sarah13xx

They really won't, the baby is way more exciting the you once they're here

Just tell no one. If anyone asks just say your giving birth at x and the plan is to just see what happens.

You could accurately say you're having a c-section for medical reasons. Needing one for your mental health is a medical reason. No one has a right to know the ins and outs of your medical history unless you want to share with them. Share what you're comfortable with and draw a boundary round the rest.

With my first I had an emergency c-section so that's what I said. Not because I thought c-section wasn't a valid birth choice, but because I had wanted a very different birth and I needed to say that for me it wasn't what I'd chosen. Second I wanted a vbac, but started having same issues I'd had with first and opted for a planned c-section. So that's what I told people. Last I just said planned c-section, because that's what it was.

@KateTheEighth no way 🤦🏼‍♀️ Wait and il just die and let my baby die instead shall I

@LunaAndHer3Stars this is very true! I don’t think I’m even that bothered about telling certain people why, it’s just the idea of my MIL relaying that information to every man and their dog for the next few months 🤦🏼‍♀️ I think il give her the most vague answer possible and I can give my proper reason to anyone else if the conversation gets that far

@KateTheEighth

if it's not a proper birth it's not a proper child innit? so did you give birth to a hamster?🙄🤣

urgh, people like that have some very twisted ideas. sorry you had to endure listening to such bullshit.

sarah13Xx I’m glad to hear you got yours approved. I was told at my booking in appointment that there was no reason I wouldn’t be approved but they couldn’t confirm until I met with the consultant at 34 weeks. I then spent weeks getting myself in such a panic that it wouldn’t be approved that my in laws very kindly offered to pay for me to have it done privately.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange aww that was nice of them! I’m sure you probably got a better service after the birth going privately than what I will, im just trying not to think about that bit and hoping I’m not in too long! Some places even make you wait til 36 weeks. I don’t know how anyone can be relaxed in the lead up to that. Mine was approved at 29 weeks which just doesn’t seem to happen but I think she thought this girl is getting herself in a right state here, il approve it now for an easy life! I didn’t fully relax though until they gave me the date a few weeks later. Even now I’m still worrying I go early or go into labour at the weekend or something and they can’t give me the section quick enough 🙈 so far so good though! Just need to keep my fingers (and legs) crossed it continues this way!

I’d fob mil off with the low lying placenta

I'm hoping that I will get approved for mine. I had to dress it up as tokophobia to get this far but, as a psychologist myself, I know that phobias are irrational fears of things. My aversion to vaginal birth is not irrational imo, it's based on very thorough research and weighing up the pros and cons of both. For me, it's a much better option for so many reasons. I'm not saying that vaginal births are worse or anything like that - I know lots of FMs have had great vaginal births - just that it wasn't the right option for me. I have been telling a lot of people - not going into the hows and whys (unless they ask). I just found it so awkward when women were telling me about vaginal births and worrying that my baby may arrive late and they needed to be mindful of that when making plans. I know if it's a planned section, she'll be here slightly early so I explained that. I have only had one negative reaction and that was because she had been told that recovery would take 6 months (yes, months!) and she was concerned. My parents were also against it due to the 'it's major surgery' angle but I talked them through my reasons and the risks of both and they are on board now. Tbh, I just want to make women aware they have a choice :)

@Labyrinth86 Aw you sound just like me. I have spent years reading all about it and had already watched every video YouTube has to offer on c-sections but have watched them all 50 extra times since being pregnant 🤣 I was listening to the Instagram live on the mindful birth group tonight (if they have saved it you should listen) and Kate Lawler was on it. Her maybe baby podcast was one of the main reasons I decided I could do it and I could get a c-section if I wanted one. After that instagram live tonight of her talking so positively about how her c-section went I thought why would I hide that from people? So I think I’m just going to say! Maybe even vaguely, but why should I not?! 😊
Hope you get yours approved, I’m sure you will when you’re from a psychology background yourself. Like you, mine was partly a ‘phobia’ but also partly a fully rational decision after weighing up which of the two options I would rather happen to me. I felt I had to play more on the tokophobia and anxiety side of it to have it approved though. To be fair a lot of the anxiety was just around their decision making and waiting for an appointment with the consultant. I found the midwives to be a bit dismissive like why on earth would anyone not want to push a human out their vagina? You’ll be fine, get on with it 🙄 They didn’t say that but it was the impression I got as they pushed the decision further and further down the line. The consultant was much nicer I found and I really shouldn’t have got myself so worked up about speaking to her. I had five pages of notes typed (nice guidelines, birth rights facts on my hospital and how many maternal request sections they’d done and my own reasons). I didn’t need half of it and she said herself it wasn’t her job to tell me no, I was an educated person and I’d clearly researched it a lot. The only thing she did was harp on about the risks of a c-section (mainly the risks of an emergency which aren’t relevant to an elective) and didn’t mention any risks of a vaginal birth, she just said ‘or you can have a nice easy vaginal birth…’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ I couldn’t care less what she was saying though I was just saying yes to everything to get through it so she would approve it. It should be a much more straightforward process and all hospitals should do the same thing rather than some people coming up against so much stress trying to get it approved. Good luck with yours

I'm hoping that I will get approved for mine. I had to dress it up as tokophobia to get this far but, as a psychologist myself, I know that phobias are irrational fears of things. My aversion to vaginal birth is not irrational imo, it's based on very thorough research and weighing up the pros and cons of both.

I so wholeheartedly agree with this - I actually hate the word ‘tokophobia’ because I don’t think a fear of giving birth vaginally is ever really irrational.

@MissChanandlerBong22 nope it’s not.. then having to explain this ‘irrational fear’ and what you imagine will happen while giving birth vaginally (which is actually relatively likely to happen or worse) 🤷🏼‍♀️ But you’re made to feel like you’re the one with the problem because you’re foreseeing this happening!

@aiwblam

I’d fob mil off with the low lying placenta

Nice with bacon and onions.