C-section due to tokophobia - tell people reason or not?

[sarah13xx]

I’ve had the biggest phobia of birth my whole life. Had decided I wasn’t having children and only changed my mind when I was absolutely sure I could have a c-section. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but to me it’s the option I can cope with. My c-section was approved and is now very soon, only my mum and a few close friends know it’s a section (and have always known my reasons). I haven’t told anyone who I think will be judgemental or enter into any debate about it (MIL for example). Just can’t be bothered with it before I’ve had the baby and think it would be easier to brush over after they’re here.

What do I say after the baby is born about why it was a c-section? Say the baby was breech and hide behind a lie I shouldn’t need to hide behind or be brave and say the real reason? I just can’t face the judgemental comments about it. It’s so bizarre when it’s literally a human coming out of your vagina or not but people think they have the right to know every intimate detail of what happened and why 🤦🏼‍♀️ How do I shut them down in one sentence without creating any further conversation on it? 🙈

Nobody cares. Honestly.

Nosey Parker : How was the birth ?
You: I had a c section
Nosey Parker : oh why was that?
You: That’s just the way it was

It’s nobody’s business but yours, good luck and hope all goes well xx

@Umberellatheweatha I’ve never been one of those people who just needed to have a baby and it’s not something I’ve thought about a lot but the birth part of it I have and just always thought if I ever want a baby how am I possibly going to get round that bit?! Suddenly something flipped on me last year (possibly added to by being absolutely fed up of work, life, lockdown etc making life so boring) and all of a sudden I had that feeling that I’d imagine most people are born with where I NEEDED a baby! Even with that feeling though, I still wasn’t willing to do it unless I knew for sure I’d be able to get a section so found loads of information online for my hospital and decided if people had done it before me I probably could convince them too!

It’s so strange that ‘you’ll forget all about it’ is a reason. Imagine telling someone that before being hit by a car for example. Like yeah I will but it will still be as painful and doesn’t make me want to do it anymore if there’s any other option 🤔 Have always said if men did it too then it wouldn’t even be a discussion. The midwives did the whole patronising thing when I initially told them (while shaking with nerves 🤣) but the consultant was actually way more understanding! She did keep on banging on about the risks of a c-section though, yet didn’t mention a single risk of the alternative option. I’d heard them all a thousand times though so she could of said we’ll chop both legs off at the end and I’d say yip, go for it! I kind of do want to make a point of telling people, whether they understand or not!

If people ask for details (which I think is less likely than you think) just say something along the lines of 'well there was no way he / she was going to come out the traditional route'. That would most likely be interpreted by the enquirer as labour was not progressing, but it's not a lie

How far along do they make you wait for the c section? Do you get a say on where on your stomach the scar would be? I'd absolutely be giving it 'I want in writing that you'll cut it out long before due date. Or I'll be in with the scalpel myself' lol.

One person (gym buddy) did say to me why am I not at the gym yet like I was with first dc. Err because I had an operation & was healing. She genuinely assumed a CS was the easy option 😆

@Umberellatheweatha I always knew it would be around the 39 week mark and most people at my hospital don’t seem to find out the date until 36 weeks. For me that was just way too close to be giving me that kind of information 🙈 I think she got the picture after the 29 week appointment though and she actually booked it in there and then (which seems unheard of at my hospital) but didn’t tell me the date til a few weeks later. It’s half way through the 39th week though! They’ve said if I go into labour before I’ve just to get there and they’ll do it so I’ll be down there with even so much as a mild cramp 😂 they haven’t said about the scar exactly but I know most are very low down just below the bikini line

Say baby was breech and it was safest all round. No one has the right to know your business

Whatever you are comfortable with.

I have tokophobia, and had sections because of this. I have volunteered the reason and been open about it because I wish it wasn't so taboo. I've not had anyone negative about it (to my face anyway!). But everyone deals with things differently and it's upto you.

I’ve had 2 elective caesareans. I don’t recall specifically being asked about it, but if it did come up in discussion I explained it was imo the best method to ensure safest health outcomes for baby and myself.

Having seen first hand with close friends who gave birth before me the damage VB can leave on mothers and baby, I am actually surprised that more mothers don’t opt for ELCS.

@Somuchgoo Aw glad you felt you could be honest about it 😊 I think it’s much less of a conversation when you’ve already had the section and can say you’re pleased you did. The problem with people knowing before is they then think they should tell you how theirs went okay so you should just do it 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ll never tell anyone to have a c-section so don’t see why anyone should tell me how to do it either. I’ll see how I feel after it, I would like to just tell people though!

@Poolbridge that’s a good way of putting it. Maybe people won’t ask after it’s already happened, or most won’t anyway! I know, it completely blows my mind how so many people can wander into it thinking it’s going to go great 🙈 I’m sure sometimes it does but I’ve just heard too many stories where it hasn’t

For one of my c sections I just tell people I had it because I wanted a c section. That’s always been good enough and I’ve never been asked more detail.

I haven't had my c-section yet but it has been agreed due to my health anxiety around childbirth. I've told everyone that I'm having a planned c section because I requested one cause that was my preference. If they have an issue with it, that's their problem 👌🏽😁

@BlueSurfer maybe I’m just presuming people will want more info. I think because people make comments about labour, the birth plan etc just now and I don’t want that conversation so I’m just being so vague about it all!

@jessicakxx Aw good luck 😊 that’s very true, I probably should just say ‘because that was the best choice for me’! It’s no one else’s business at all

I had a c section due to tokophobia and traumatic first birth and nobody asked at all! Don't worry op!

You could say you had an elective c section for medical reasons. They'll want to fuss the baby though!

@Misspacorabanne thanks, I’m sure the baby will be way more interesting than why I had one!

@Astraturf I hope so 😂

I would be upfront and keep it simple.

'I researched all of the options and felt more comfortable with a c section, for lots of reasons.'

I'm having an elective section with my next. I have done 'natural childbirth' and wont be repeating it. In fact, I dont think I would have tried for another if I didn't have the option to have an ELCS.

Just say "I had a c section but it's all fine because the baby is healthy and so am I"

No need to explain or excuse

What's right for you is right for baby

I had an EMC on Sunday.

People close to me know (family, close friends) as they asked how the birth was but it really hasn't come up with anyone else who have enquired about baby!

Just don't mention it. You don't need to tell anyone!

@Anonapapple that’s a good answer, vague but not telling a lie! Glad we have that option nowadays and you know it’s definitely the right choice for you when you’ve experienced the alternative

Nobody will ask, just don’t say anything. If they really push it, you could always say ‘the doctor advised it’ and leave it that.

My sister had a c section for the exact same reason, she only calmed down at 20 weeks when the consultant confirmed she was definitely getting a c section, she paid privately to see him. Even on the day of the section itself, the midwife was asking her to ‘try and have the baby naturally’ she didn’t understand my sister would have had a complete nervous breakdown if she had to do that.
Her section went brilliantly, she was almost high after it and elated when it all went so well. She even went on to have another planned c section baby too a few years later, which was a miracle considering how bad her phobia is. She has had it since she was a young child, she cannot even walk inside the door of a hospital, it’s amazing she did it, but when it was all planned out, she did great.

Anyway, all the very best of luck to you. Keep your business to yourself.

@Sackofnickles congratulations on your little one! This is true, no one else will care hopefully

@KateTheEighth I agree! The majority of people won’t have any interest, the main person I’m imagining persistently asking is my MIL. Was on the phone to her the other night while she told me not to have an epidural because she didn’t 🙄 I just said nothing until that topic of conversation passed! Felt like saying yeah good for you 🙂