Sadness over birth

[squirrelnutkins1]

So I'll start by saying that if someone said this to me I'd think they were crazy for even for a second thinking it; but when it's yourself it's harder to be reasonable!

I've got a long awaited 4 month old baby girl. I won't go into detail but briefly infertility, surgery, miscarriage, medication etc etc so she was a long time coming and it was a painful journey.

I ended up having an emergency c section and we were told if she'd not been delivered quickly she wouldn't have made it 💔

It's obvious it was the right call, of course it was but I just have this disappointment that I didn't get to give birth and I feel like I always have to say she was born by emergency c section, not just c section.

I know I'm being unreasonable and it doesn't make sense because I've never given c sections a second thought, a birth is a birth but now it's me I have this feeling that people consider it the easy option, going off of what a few friends and family have said. I know it isn't but I can't shake this feeling.

Can you talk some sense into me please!!?

Birth trauma is very real and you have every right to your feelings as you are processing a traumatic event

There are services set up to talk through births and you are perfectly entitled to talk to someone about it, and to have someone go through your birth notes with you. There is no time limit that I'm aware of; some people do that years after their birth experience.

You deserve to look after yourself and get help dealing with this. Congratulations on your beautiful baby! Xx

Giving birth is not all it’s cracked up to be. It can result in severe injury and incontinence. Count yourself lucky that you haven’t had to go through that. I had an emergency CS and have no ongoing health issues. My SIL shits herself due to a botched natural birth. My friend pisses herself. Natural birth is not always the nice option that people make it out to be. That’s why so many obstetricians choose an elective CS when they give birth themselves.

These people are not your friends if they make shitty comments like that. I had an EMCS and people have been absolutely lovely, acknowledging that it’s a tougher recovery than vaginal delivery and how tough it must have been etc.

You can have a debrief with your birth team and it may be worth discussing your feelings with someone like a counsellor. However, don’t forget you’re still at a stage full of hormones / sleep deprivation and you might come to feel ok about it all. But as I say, people making judgemental comments are not people I’d want around me.

I’ve had two c sections (one emergency and one elective due to first section) and I’ve thought about this a bit and during my second pregnancy people seemed to feel sorry for me that I was having a section but I’m quite happy that I’ve had c sections; I’ve avoided a lot of the complications that can happen after natural births and I’d of disliked having a highly medicalised natural birth so it was a bit all or nothing for me. I’ve also found that as my DC get older it’s not something that you really talk about as things move on to weaning, nursery, toilet training, school etc

It ok to feel that way, your feelings are valid and real, even if there not 'logical'. I felt like that after my first DC was born (also emergency c-section), and can honestly say, the older they get the less significant their birth feels. It's just one day out of a whole lifetime, it's a big proportion your mothering experience 4 months, but a tiny proportion by 4 years.

You grew your daughter in your own amazing body, and you both survived her birth, a perilous journey, and you are here, safe and sound and that is miraculous!!!

One of my closest friends was talking about another friend who was due shortly after me and she said "well she's going to have to push hers out". I thought it was a really bitchy thing to say.

My mum said she's glad I had a c section so I didn't have to go thru the pain of a vaginal birth..... erm thanks mum but I did have to recover from being cut into 🙈

I know I'm being silly. I guess I just wondered if these feelings go away.

Definitely talk to someone about your experience. I have to say though ,hopefully it will become less of an issue for you , in time. I had 2, like User, 1 emergency and the 2nd planned. Neither child would have survived if not. Now they are in their teens, I rarely consider how they arrived.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the comments and validation xxx

It's very rare that women give birth without help from others, without some sort of medical support. You gave birth to your wonderful dd, you just had more help than most women.

Nothing wrong with accepting and embracing help.

I do get that you feel you've missed out on something, but, however you did it, you gave birth, you. Everyone and everything else around you were there to support you. Well done

If you can, try and arrange a debrief with a specialist midwife. It can be an amazing and healing experience.

@squirrelnutkins1

One of my closest friends was talking about another friend who was due shortly after me and she said "well she's going to have to push hers out". I thought it was a really bitchy thing to say.

My mum said she's glad I had a c section so I didn't have to go thru the pain of a vaginal birth..... erm thanks mum but I did have to recover from being cut into 🙈

I know I'm being silly. I guess I just wondered if these feelings go away.

What do you say in response to these comments? I’d absolutely be pulling people up for saying this stuff to me.

Nothing. Partly because I was so shocked both times 😔

I had a similarly traumatic journey to motherhood and ended up with an elective section after a week of failed induction.

I had a very positive experience and felt like it was a good decision. I have a minor pang that I’ll probably never experience “pushing”, but the pain I endured to only get to 1.5cm dilated tells me I can get over that pang!

Safe baby was my main concern and I thought a section at that point was the best way to guarantee it.

I always say, unless you're still pregnant - you gave birth!
You and the medics made the best choice for your daughter, you were being a brilliant mum even as she was being born.
Medical intervention saves lives, we should all be grateful not ashamed to have received it x

I felt the exact same as you after DS1 was, I had to have an emergency c section and I remember feeling like I had failed because my body didn't do what I thought it should.
But those feelings do go away, your body grew a whole human which is amazing and you went through a major and risky surgery to bring her into the world, that's nothing to feel bad or ashamed of and ignore anyone who tries to make you feel differently

Same for me, induction didn't work. I didn't get past 2cm!

How is major abdominal surgery an easy option? There's no medals for childbirth and I promise you other parents won't give a monkeys. If someone had an amputation with no pain relief to do it 'the natural way' you would think they were mad. Too much hangs on 'natural' childbirth. There isn't such thing really most births have intervention. And also, you will be able to go on a trampoline in future....vaginal births not so much 😂

It was a failed induction for me too, I didn't even get to 1cm and he ended up in distress so they had to get him out.
DS2 I had planned a c section because I didn't want to go through the trauma of trying to have him vaginally but they had to do it earlier than planned because my placenta started failing so I now remind myself that these sections brought my babies in to this world alive and that is so much more important than pushing them out myself x

Emergency CS for dd and elective CS for Ds
I have only once come up against a group of women who did comment that I hadn’t gone through the birthing experience.
Good job I didn’t as I would more than likely be dead.

Reading about a lot of these maternity scandals. I get the impression that a lot of time there is a reluctance to do a CS that causes so many of the problems.
More than once I have heard women talk about going into Labour and then on arriving at hospital saying that they need a CS because of an underlying condition and being told they are going to have to try to give birth naturally as there isn’t any mention of needing a CS in their notes.

I felt like this for a while after my first baby (emergency c section), and I think it's normal. It's a scary experience and you have all your choices taken away from you.
However, I went on to have my second child by elective c section and am really glad I did. It's a perfectly valid way to give birth and you don't need to 'justify' it to anyone (if they insinuate anything they're just assholes)

Congratulations on your new baby OP

I know a few women who had to have emergency C sections (including my mum ) and TBH I am overwhelmed by their bravery each of the births sound increadibly traumatic. I certainly don't see it as an easy option, I can't imagine becoming a mother in lockdown is straight forward either.

Those comments are unacceptable, although probably thoughtless.

Say "you know that it was an emergency C-section, don't you? We could have both died without it, why would you say something like that to me?"

Vaginal birth is overrated , you had a lucky escape !

OP I also had an EMCS this year which was a far cry from the water birth I had hoped for! Your birth sounds very similar to mine.

You are allowed to feel a sense of shock that this happened. I cried for weeks after mine. But naturally the feeling does lessen over time and you just feel relief that the baby was ok.

People will say stupid shit about it. That’s a given. Either smile and ignore their ignorance or use it as an opportunity to educate them. They mightn’t be aware that some women have their choices taken away from them in labour in order to save the baby’s life.

A couple of things. I think your mum was probably trying to make you feel better not belittling your birth. Your friend was commenting on someone else’s birth- it’s entirely likely she wasn’t commenting on yours.
But as the mum of older children can I just say that the childbirth conversation does fade? I have a 9 year old and no one ever discusses who gave birth how at the school gate any more. I would say that’s actually true of my 4 year old. But in that first year after my first was born, it was all I thought about- I remembered every comment and smell. And when my NCT people met up it was the no 1 topic of conversation along with sleep.
So please don’t feel that you will be defined by how you gave birth.