Sadness over birth

[squirrelnutkins1]

So I'll start by saying that if someone said this to me I'd think they were crazy for even for a second thinking it; but when it's yourself it's harder to be reasonable!

I've got a long awaited 4 month old baby girl. I won't go into detail but briefly infertility, surgery, miscarriage, medication etc etc so she was a long time coming and it was a painful journey.

I ended up having an emergency c section and we were told if she'd not been delivered quickly she wouldn't have made it 💔

It's obvious it was the right call, of course it was but I just have this disappointment that I didn't get to give birth and I feel like I always have to say she was born by emergency c section, not just c section.

I know I'm being unreasonable and it doesn't make sense because I've never given c sections a second thought, a birth is a birth but now it's me I have this feeling that people consider it the easy option, going off of what a few friends and family have said. I know it isn't but I can't shake this feeling.

Can you talk some sense into me please!!?

I felt exactly the same after my EMCS, OP. I felt like I'd failed, like my body hadn't done what it was supposed to, that I had somehow cheated, that people would think less of me than my friends who had had vaginal deliveries etc etc. It was by DP who shook me out of it... He said that if I hadn't had the section then there would have been a very high chance that the baby wouldn't have made it, or I wouldn't have, or both. Had my birth been taking place 100 years ago, the outcome would likely have been very different. He was right... And I forced myself to shake off my disappointment and focus on the reality of what had happened and why it had happened and, ultimately, my beautiful, healthy, alive baby. I honestly don't feel like a failure anymore... I'm fact, I went on to have an elective section with my second DC!

I had two natural births. First was a wonderful experience. 2nd was traumatic and left me with ptsd and pnd. Debrief didn’t help. But e m d r did. I have no idea what a c section would be like but I would never presume it to either be easier or not the real
Way of giving birth. Please be kind to yourself

My first was a hugely traumatic emergency c section. She was black and blue after a failed forceps delivery. During my c section then had to literally push her back through my pelvis.

I was told she was lucky to live and to never ever attempt a natural birth.

She's now a typical 13 year old and her birth is the least important thing about her. In the long term how they get here isn't important - just celebrate that they are

i agree with a pp they are stupid comments and they are not your friends. not worth giving any thought. you have your beautiful baby girl, enjoy.

I had an EMCS with my first DD, subsequently tried to have a "natural" delivery second time round (ended up in theatre for forceps ) and the recovery for that was much much longer and painful than the section. My daughters are now 4 and 7 and I genuinely do not give their deliveries a second thought. If you want to, organise a debrief with a midwife to help you move on from this. But honestly, this too shall pass, no one cares how children were given birth to (or even how they were fed - something I gave myself a hard time over first time round) when they're reaching nursery and school age, I'm sure you will have other different worries then. Congrats on your much longed for baby OP, sorry your friends are being so bitchy. Please try and ignore

I had a horrendous 48 hour labour, 24 hours with zero pain relief, failed epidural and then an emergency c section.

I was a bit sad DD didn’t come out the hole she went in but ultimately she arrived happy and healthy and that honestly is all that counts. The longer time goes on the less you care, I promise.

Plus.....the silver lining? My bits are in tact (stomach is ruined of course 😂)

Totally recognise how you feel.
I had an EMCS and I still remember my first trip to the hairdresser afterwards, all the girls asking me about it. When I told them, one of the girls said to me oh so you decided to choose the easy option.
I was crushed and just didn't say anything.
Now I'd be much more forthright in explaining that it was no picnic, had its own pain and recovery time and most importantly wasn't something I just chose on a whim because it was 'easy' - it was the safest option.

oh so you decided to choose the easy option.
cs is not an easy option. very painful for days after birth.

Ah OP however you gave birth, you have a beautiful, healthy baby who is bound to be your absolute world.

I had 2 elective sections because I don't cope well with anything gynae related. Someone I know was told she needed a section and went on and on about how it wouldn't make her feel like a 'real' mum... absolute bollocks! You have grown your beautiful little baby, felt the kicks and wiggles and kept them safe and warm inside, so regardless of how they came into the world, and regardless of if your section was planned or an emergency, you have given birth, and your body will be doing amazing things fixing itself up, so don't let anyone make you think you've failed or taken any easy option

Congratulations on your DD.

It will all be very fresh in your mind, but give it a year and you will feel very differently. Stop torturing yourself. Perhaps, except with support, say you will worry about it next year and then see how you feel. Good luck.

I had a horrible after birth with ds2. A lovely midwife popped in my cubicle to see me and said she noticed I had a bit of a rough ride and did I wang to talk through my birth. It was wonderful, she went through all my notes and said why certain things had happened. It really helped. I know you can request to have these debriefs too.

I had an ELCS before the onset of labour. I know what you mean I had a baby but I've no clue what a contraction even feels like. For a long time I felt like I hadn't birth. I always feel the need to add that it was because the baby was breech and it wasn't considered safe to try for a vaginal delivery. I haven't had a lot of negative comments but I've certainly beaten myself up about it plenty. I did have one colleague say "giving birth without pain, sounds amazing". Erm yeah, if you consider major abdominal surgery whilst being wide awake amazing I also had someone imply in a Facebook parenting group that

son wouldn't have ended up in SCBU for 8 nights if I had made different decisions surrounding the labour, and that doctors aren't always correct in what they say. I'm sorry what?! On what planet are you qualified to make these claims and in what universe is that an appropriate response to a woman seeking support for trauma???
Fact is, it was not safe for me to deliver vaginally. The decisive factor for me was imagining having to explain to a severely disabled teenager that they were disabled because mummy wanted a vaginal birth. Too hideous to consider even for a second, and a very simple choice therefore. Ironically, I feel that trying for a vaginal delivery and having an EMCS would actually make me feel much better than never experiencing labour. That is not to play down your upset, just a weird way of me trying to accept I may never have a vaginal delivery.

Congrats squirrelnutkins1 I wanted to post to say you're definitely not alone (or crazy!) in feeling this way. My first born is 8 months and was born by emergency section. My dream had been a vaginal (I don't like using the term "natural") birth. Labour started at home and was all fine, I was 5cm when I arrived in hospital and this was about 6 hours after first cramp felt. However after they broke my waters a couple of hours after I arrived there was significant meconium and within 15 mins I was on the operating table!

Felt like everything had taken such a sharp turn!

The feeling will fade, as a PP said other milestones take over and you will see the bigger picture - you had a safe delivery and thank goodness you and baby had access to that type of medical care.

One of my best friends responded to my text saying baby was here, born via CS, all fine etc, "are you dissapointed?". I ignored it as I was on a high being a new mum but when I remember it now it annoys me.

Enjoy your new baby and rejoice your nether regions didn't take too much of a battering (that's what I keep telling myself!)

There are two separate but interlinked things going on here. One is your nitwit of a so-called friend, who seems to think that her feelings about the way in which she gave birth somehow qualifies her to pass judgement on your experience. Not at all. She should shut up and be grateful that she had her experience and not yours.

Which brings me to the other issue:

... the midwife had to push the 'panic button' at least three times where a tonne of doctors flooded into the room. I went down to theatre as a category 2 and when I got there was increased to a 1 with the panic button pressed again. I was bleeding out at one point too.

That is one heck of a traumatic experience. If someone goes through a major life-threatening experience they would normally expect to be emotionally affected by it and psychological support would be available to help them deal with what had happened to them. But not when it's a woman in labour. "Baby's fine, that's the most important thing. Off you go."

You don't have to accept that.

We are expected to be strong women, in control of our lives. So even the most ordinary childbirth can be shocking when you realise that you are not in control. Even more so when things go haywire.

It's OK to feel overwhelmed by all of this. It's OK to get help. It's OK to tell allies as little or as much as you want. And it's OK to tell Mrs Judgeypants to keep her opinions to herself.

I had an emergency section and the next one was planned. The emergency one was traumatic with the cord prolapse it all went from being calmly told how much more to dilate and had we chose a name to a room full of people and complete chaos. When I finally got home I carried my daughter and the stitches undid and we went straight back to hospital for a repair.
The elective one was a doddle

Hi OP

I've thought a lot about labour almost to an unhealthy degree. My 1st was an instrumental and I so eanted a water birth for my 2nd.
Labour went perfectly. Absolutely textbook..not even gas and air til 9cm. Then she came out with a ridiculously short cord. It snapped, she lost loads of blood resuscitated my placenta wouldnt come out due to the trauma, both blue lighted to hospital, me in theatre - didnt get to hold her for nearly 5 hours after birth.

The post 1979s NCT inspired idea of childbirth is lovely. But in think it had made us demonize thenverybthings that keep us safe and mean the vast majority of us can take a healthy baby home after it.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do, I felt the same. I've just come to accept that some people have lovely births and I'm not one of them.

So sorry for typos, rocking said baby!

Its totally understandable to feel this way.
You did give birth, it's not an easy option.
Unfortunately in my experience many many people feel sad about their birth experience, whatever it was like.
Me: 48 hour labour, transfer to hospital for drip, "Straightforward vaginal delivery", badly stitched tear resulting in continuous pain for over a year and surgery after 5 months.
If nosy people ask,you don't have to say anything about your birth, it's private and none of their business.
However, after a certain point, other people will not ask about the birth, it'll be all in the past.

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate you taking the time to share xx

There's no excuse for the sort of nonsense your friends/family are spouting - you gave birth. And it was bloody hard for you. They're being ridiculous and I'm sorry that is making you feel worse about your already difficult experience

I've had an EMCS and an ELCS, both were great birth experiences but neither was easy, especially the run up. There is definitely a school of thought that negative experiences or CSs should be minimised as unusual or 'cheating', for want of a better term. The pressure that causes is unfair and damaging. Some time after DC1 I requested the birth notes and went through them, and I found it helpful in clarifying the timeline of events. There's also the birth trauma association who I've heard lots of positive things about, if you want to discuss it with someone detached from your circumstances.

I would feel the same OP. I’m sure this feeling will pass in time.