Sadness over birth

[squirrelnutkins1]

So I'll start by saying that if someone said this to me I'd think they were crazy for even for a second thinking it; but when it's yourself it's harder to be reasonable!

I've got a long awaited 4 month old baby girl. I won't go into detail but briefly infertility, surgery, miscarriage, medication etc etc so she was a long time coming and it was a painful journey.

I ended up having an emergency c section and we were told if she'd not been delivered quickly she wouldn't have made it 💔

It's obvious it was the right call, of course it was but I just have this disappointment that I didn't get to give birth and I feel like I always have to say she was born by emergency c section, not just c section.

I know I'm being unreasonable and it doesn't make sense because I've never given c sections a second thought, a birth is a birth but now it's me I have this feeling that people consider it the easy option, going off of what a few friends and family have said. I know it isn't but I can't shake this feeling.

Can you talk some sense into me please!!?

My first was EMCS, he got stuck! 10cm, pushing, forceps, then suction cup still not out, heart beat dropping, the only way was a section, happened to my mum and sister. My second had a natural delivery (7yrs later) same for my sister but mum had us both by c-section. Its nothing to be ashamed of, some women just don't dialate and sometimes the baby is not in the right position. We are lucky we have the option of c-section to safely deliver our babies some women do not.

I understand the feeling after an EMCS. Had a horrible labour, vomited continually for 24 hours to dehydration/exhaustion and it was another day of induction agony before the c section.

I feel a bit of shame that my body wasn't up to the task, it's a sad feeling. I kept thinking 'if I'd have done that.. I may have been able to do it".

Now I just keep reminding myself that there's nothing that can be done about it now and my baby is a joy. I am very grateful not to have suffered any birth injuries. Also, thank God for modern medicine!

I think in a way it's a bit of a grieving process, where you come to terms with it over time. I hope it gets easier for you too.

People often open their mouths and let the first thought that pops into their head fall out.. it is not always properly thought out.

I agree with posters who said take your time, things will get better and it will settle in your mind. You are allowed to take your time to work through this.

Even thise with the most straight forward births need to work through them and talk about them. I am a birth doula and it is one of the things we discuss early on and often there is some significant shock and trauma to deal with.

Give yourself a big hug and wrap yourself up in cotton wool for a bit. Birth is a HUGE deal and when it is traumatic, it is even bigger.

You still gave birth, and went through a pretty major operation for an emergency! I think you deserve a big "well done". Congratulations on the birth of your little one and please put these thoughts aside if you can. It doesn't matter at all.

I understand how you feel, I have had to have two planned c-sections - due to my medical reasons. I would have loved to at least have tried but would have been to high risk for survival for me - my husband when i was pregnant being told I had a very low chance of survival fainted in the consultation room!
I still feel slightly nervous when I say I had a csection as the reason behind it is none of any one else business at the end of the day I’m alive as is my two children - that is all that matters

If anyone criticises your birth experience, just remember that “fuck off” is a perfectly acceptable response.

Sounds like poor wording and lack of thought from your friend. She doesn't know that anyone else "will have to push hers out" - that was my intention with Ds1 but ended up as emcs.

Your mum is probably trying to make you feel better.

I had a home vbac with Ds2 and I was excited to find out what vaginal birth was like. I'm aiming for the same with dc3; I'd pick it over a cs any day BUT I would pick a healthy baby over a vaginal birth with serious baby injuries/death any day too.

You might always wonder what vaginal birth is like. You might find out and it might be great (mine was) or it might be awful (as it is for some women). Your choices and experiences are as valid as anyone else's.

I also had an EMCS and it wasn't quite sadness, more guilt that I had failed. Looking back, I have no idea what possessed me to think that, it was bloody gruelling and traumatic. Would it help to go through your birth notes, I wish I had done that.

By the time number 2 came along, I jumped at an elective c section. You may get over that sadness when the hormones have settled and you have a safely delivered baby.

I suffered a similar journey to having my son and I had an induction and though I strictly had a vaginal birth, I had an epidural at 2cm so I feel as though I didn't really do anything as couldn't feel it as such. There is no right way to give birth .I'm not ashamed of telling people I had an epidural, sure there is judgement around that but given I needed the vontouse cup, a cut and forceps it worked out for the best.

An emergency c-section is just that, an EMERGENCY. The alternative was majorly risking the lives of one or both of you. Say that to whoever comments next and be proud you've brought an amazing human into the world.

I just can't believe there are still people out there who make such insensitive comments, same with the whole breast v bottle debate. As long as a baby is born safely and is well fed, that's all that matters. These comments must hurt so much I'm sure but don't let them get to you xx

If it was good enough for Jūlius Caesar. You gave birth, you did not do it the "easy way". Don't let anyone make you feel inferior as a mother because of your mode of delivery, it matters not one jot.
I hope you are able to process your birth trauma in time.

I felt like this after my first (emergency section after 5 day back to back labour) and seriously felt like I’d failed and was almost obsessed with having a vaginal birth. When I was pregnant again and was determined this time to have a vbac. A failed induction later and I ended up with another emergency section, although this time I’d only laboured 12 hours and it was a much calmer experience. The strange thing is rather than making me feel even worse it instantly cured all the feelings I’d had about the first one and I honestly couldn’t care less that I’ve had 2 sections now and there’s no longing for a vaginal birth.

I think what helped was realising that I hadn’t failed and I had 2 beautiful, healthy children which kind of put it into perspective. I really recommend having a birth debrief if you haven’t already to help you work through your feelings.

Do you know how to go about getting a birth debrief? I think it may be helpful to talk it all through yno. Thank you for all suggesting it, I didn't know it's something you could do.

Thank you for all sharing your experiences it's been really helpful.

Little madams heart rate kept dropping and the midwife had to push the 'panic button' at least three times where a tonne of doctors flooded into the room. I went down to theatre as a category 2 and when I got there was increased to a 1 with the panic button pressed again. I was bleeding out at one point too.

I thought I'd dealt with my feelings, thoughts were consuming me for 6/7 weeks and then I wrote it all down in as much details as possible and I felt absolutely loads better but for some reason it's all resurfaced.

Yep a pandemic baby hasn't been easy at all. I was on my own in the hospital for 30 or so hours until I was in labour and then hubby was allowed to come. Then he was only allowed for an hour on the ward after I'd had her and then I was alone for another 24 hours until he came to pick us up.

Even tho I know in my mind the c section was needed and gave me my beautiful baby girl and it was the only option, it just doesn't stop me feeling how I feel. Hopefully in time I'll learn to accept it.

My friends comment was definitely aimed at me having a c section when put together with the rest of the conversation. She's had three natural births and "loves" giving birth!

I had all the meds available too and an epidural. Whatever gets you thru I say!!!

Thank you so much for your support x

The best option is to debrief with one of the midwives at the hospital who can go through your notes with you. Doulas help too.. but in a different way.

You might also find that you deal with it, feel Ok and then it comes back up. Don't expect it to be wiped clean and gone forever and don't forget to tell your daughter her birth story one day.

It is weird as I had first 2 children naturally but had to have c section for third. I felt somehow cheated. My milk definitely took longer to come in after c section too. I felt a bit weepy but my Mum came and made me realise all that matters is I ended up with s healthy baby. They are all grown up now and it made no difference to anything else through their childhood just took longer for milk to come in so made it harder to breastfeed initially.

I've had similar stupid comments and they do hurt but its important to remember that your baby is here and safe and so are you. With out the c section the out comes would have been very different.
I had a emcs 4 years ago and elcs 4 months ago and I wouldn't chose another way to give birth now.
My only experience of 'natural birth' is from miscarriage where I didn't feel the contractions until they were one on top of the other and I hemorrhaged. This has put me off anything natural as I need to be here for my boys, that and a slew of other pregnancy related illnesses, its just safer for me.
Pps are right though eventually all talk of how they were born, fed, slept ect goes away and is replaced by something else

I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread but just some quick points;

• its normal to feel regret about the way you gave birth. During pregnancy, particularly the first time, women envisage how they wish to give birth and when this doesnt to to plan it can take a while to come to terms with it.

• there is nothing easy about c-section,emergency or planned.

• literally NOONE gives a shit or asks me about how my children were born. They did when they were babies (how was the birth? How are you recovering? Etc) but, honestly by 6 months that starts to quickly stop and after 1 I can pretty much guarantee you wont discuss it again unless you bring it up

• people love to big up their own birth story. But there are no prizes for who gave birth the best

Honestly once she's a little older (post 9 months) no will ask how she was born. It doesn't matter, you will have bonded and been through so much together as she develops you won't give how she was born a second thought. I think the whole natural birth thing is hugely overhyped. She's here, she's healthy and that's all that matters.It may take time to come to terms with it, but for whatever reason it wasn't possible for your body to give birth to your child, and that's ok

When I was pregnant with DS2 I told the community midwife that I found my labour and c section with DS1 very traumatic (very similar to your experience) and that is why I wanted an elective which was no problem at all, so she sorted it out for me to have a debrief and for someone to go over my notes with me.
I would ask your health visitor if they could help or maybe even phone the maternity unit to see if they can do that for you?

Giving birth is traumatic...imo it's not all it's cracked up to be, however you do it. It can take a while to get over it, regardless of what type of birth you have.

I had a natural birth but I was traumatised by it for weeks afterwards. DS was back-to-back, I was in constant pain and it was the middle of the night and the midwives didn't think I was in established labour so I didn't get any pain relief (and then only gas and air) until very late on in the process when I'd wanted an epidural. Also, I was by myself for much of it - the ward was short-staffed and DH had been working 80+ hour weeks in the lead-up to it so fell into a deep sleep. It ended with me buzzing the midwives because the pain became too much to bear and it turned out I was fully dilated. The pushing phase seemed to go on forever since I was exhausted, everyone around me was getting stressed and shouting at me and I ended up tearing badly.

I think the expectations of most first-time mums are way out of line with reality and therein lies a large part of the problem. Birth is dangerous, painful and gory for the most part, whether it's natural or a C-section.

I havent rtft but just wanted to say, don't underestimate the grief/processing that comes after struggling to conceive etc too. I have my much longed for gorgeous girl now after an emergency c section when she turned up 2months earlier than planned - we are over the moon as she was ivf, long journey etc... but I am feeling pretty traumatised by everything I went through and a lot of it, now I've dug into my emotions with the perinatal mental health team, is also linked to our journey to get to the birth, and not just the unfortunate situation with the c section. Just maybe be kind to yourself and consider with compassion whether it is the whole process thst you're now 'working through'. It definitely is for me.

It's so common to have a C section. I know so many women who have had one. I don't think any less of them. It's still a birth and difficult one and traumatic one at that. Don't dwell on it. Count yourself lucky your vagina is intact

Totally understand your feelings.
But I’m a firm believer you can plan a birth with all the will in the world, but birth goes how it goes. As long as the outcome is healthy mum and baby that’s what matters.
Peoples opinions on c sections really annoy me. I think they are a brutal thing to have and recover from. It’s major abdominal surgery!

Oh and also don’t tell people who you gave birth. If they want details just say ‘it was ok, recovering well thank you’.
It’s no one else’s business.

A C section certainly isn't the "easy" option! They have to cut through layers and layers of your body. The vagina is designed to push out children (not that it's easy of course) but your body isn't designed to be sliced to bits. There's no shame in it - it's a brutal operation!

You carried that baby for 10 months. It doesn't matter how they were delivered. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.