Can’t cope with the state of my stomach after childbirth

[MistyGlen]

I only gained two stone while pregnant. But my baby was huge (11lb) and my stomach was enormous. I cried as every new stretch mark appeared. I felt like I was watching my body being destroyed in front of my eyes and I couldn’t make it stop.

The day after I gave birth the midwife said oh poor you, that’ll never go back to normal. And it didn’t. 18 months later it hangs like a wrinkly apron. I can’t run because it hurts when it flaps up and down. I’ve thrown out all the full length mirrors in the house. I can’t look at myself or let anyone else see me, even my husband. It’s destroying my marriage. I always took pride in my appearance - I looked good and I felt confident. Now I hate my body and feel ashamed. I don’t wear makeup or nice clothes any more because there’s no point.

Today I saw a friend wearing a bikini. She gave birth after me, it was her second, and her stomach is perfect. I’ve cried all day. How is it fair that she gets to have a baby without paying the price I’ve paid? The internet is plastered with similarly perfect mothers. How do they have no stretch marks!!

I feel jealous and angry. I hate every mother who looks good. I don’t understand why this has happened to me or why I’m being punished with this disfigurement.

Mine is the same. Two babies within a year and my stomach is ruined beyond all repair. Have lost most of the baby weight but stomach is totally misshapen and floppy and yep stretch mark joys too. I basically still have a deflated bump!

I understand how depressing it is. I hate catching sight of it after a shower, hate it when husband sees/touches it and most clothes look awful.

I suppose we just have to come to terms with it as we have little choice. I know people have much more serious problems but it is hard to put it out of your mind when you’re carrying it about all day

Have you considered surgery?

Twins left me with hugely separated muscles and a big lump of skin, I had a tummy tuck when they were ten months old but I was back to my normal weight, best thing I have ever done even 11 years after it's still flat

I don’t have the money for surgery. And surgery won’t make it perfect again. It might be a bit flatter but the skin is ruined forever. Plus it’s not fair that others don’t need surgery to look normal!

I can cope with my body slowly ageing but we’re taking about my attractiveness being ripped away from me in a matter of weeks. My body was perfect, I was so proud and confident. Now I hide in baggy T-shirts and cry every day.

Disfigurement? Ashamed? Have you considered some counselling?
It sounds as though you aren’t in a good place and so everything is being blown out of proportion. There are literally hundreds of women you see every day in the same position, and to be depressed enough to have given up any attempt to engage in things that made you happy before (dressing well, grooming) suggests your mental health isn’t good. It’s a pretty ordinary issue, so I would think something else is going on. 18mos doesn’t rule out postnatal depression, so I would chat to your gp.
How is everything else? Are you sleeping ok? Is dh pulling his weight? Are you getting some time to yourself?

Now you have something so much more important than a perfect stomach - your dc!

When people get old, their skin starts wrinkling and sagging so having children really only speeds up what would have happened eventually anyway. Don't look at the people in magazines or on tv, go to the beach and see REAL people - we come in all shapes, sizes, wibbles and wobbles!

You sound very young op. Perhaps as time goes on you'll come to value other things above the skin on your stomach. Truly there are more important things.

Lots of people have a child AND a perfect stomach. They’re not mutually exclusive. Unless you’re unlucky like me. I don’t see how counselling will help other than to make me try to come to terms with being ugly. I don’t want to come to terms with being ugly. I want to be beautiful again.

No I don’t sleep. Or have a job. Or any time to myself other than sometimes an hour or two after bedtime. I do childcare round the clock while my husband works, or sleeps ready for work, or does jobs around the house on a weekend. I fully admit I’m exhausted and fed up. But my unhappiness at losing my perfect body isn’t related to that.

If it upsets you this much you’ll have to save up for a tummy tuck. It will get rid of the stretch marks below the belly button.

You sound very young OP
I’m jealous of other people my age who haven’t had babies. They don’t look like this. I wouldn’t look like this if I hadn’t had a baby. I’d still be normal. I’m even more jealous of other people who had babies and bounced back. They get to have their baby without having their body and their self esteem taken away.

Oh op, I do feel for you. It's really not fair but it is just chance that it's affected you differently to some of your friends (who are in the minority, honestly!) I have had two children, seven months since my last c section and I have a definite droopy Tummy despite getting back to pre baby weight which is upper end of normal bmi. It's just loose skin so losing weight doesn't necessarily help. If you are young it may well improve over time.

Oh and the skin on your stomach does not make you ugly! It's jsut one small part of your body. It's not something people will notice about you.

"I'd still be normal" what a very sad statement. Such a shame the perfect body is so important to you. You're missing out on enjoying your life and what you do have.

It's really shit but I doubt you'd be walking around in a bikini 24/7 when your body was pre pregnancy either? So the not bothering full stop now has little to do with you having your kit on or off? I know you mention running but are you working out apart from that? Weight lifting, pilates, and swimming all help too.

Find a way to dress around it. I had to.

In the nicest possible way did you naively assume you’d just snap back? Because it’s well known that babies can have a huge impact on how you look especially your stomach. Most women are left with permanent changes post child-birth.

My body was perfect, I was so proud and confident.

OP, this is the sentence that stood out for me and is what made me question whether others would agree that the problem is really as bad as you think it is now, or whether it's because you're judging yourself against such an impossibly high standard as "perfection" that you're struggling to accept the new normal? I've suffered from body dysmorphia for a good portion of my adult life and recognise some of the thought processes you seem to be having. I also had a particularly hard time accepting my post-pregnancy figure and how it was different to how I looked pre-pregnancy. But I strongly recommend seeking counselling through your GP because for me it was that that helped me get everything back into perspective and realise that what I was seeing in the mirror was, at least in part, a projection of the issues in my head. I'm not in any way minimising the physical changes - believe me, I have them too - but you also have your beautiful baby and only one life to live. I hope you manage to get to a more positive place where you can appreciate that again

This is fairly normal OP, the vast majority of women find their bodies are permanently changed after having a baby. If you're very young there's more chance of everything snapping back, but no guarantee especially after a big baby. Your friend was lucky, it's not usual to be physically unaffected by such a huge thing.

If your stomach muscles have separated you could try exercises to get them back together. If it's just the skin I would give it another year or two and see how it goes - it might improve a bit. You do have the long-term option of saving for a tummy tuck.

It is hard but you need to look at what will help. Get moisturising, perhaps try the ones with a hint of fake tan which helps mask any stretch marks. Look at what toning exercises you can do and start making an effort in dressing nicely / wearing makeup etc. It is easy otherwise to get stuck in a bit of a downward spiral where everything seems pointless. Really sounds like you need perhaps an hour a day when your partners home for a bit of "me" time.

OP. It's concerning how much of your self-esteem and confidence etc is linked to your 'perfect' body. FWIW there's no such thing as a perfect body.

You do sound depressed, it's not normal to be so hung up on your stomach-it's such a small part of you as a whole.

And your DC couldn't care less what your stomach is like. My DC likes my fat stomach because it makes me nice and cuddly.

I felt like you once. The feeling will go eventually. Try tone up as much as you can, but it won't ever be perfect. I think I just got too tired of caring about it to be honest. Like I was just torturing myself about it and one day I just though enough, it's not the most defining part of me. You'll get there.

I don't know how to add a picture for you. I suggest you to have a look at Facebook or Instagram to find Cassy Smith, you will find her even on Google for sure.. she had two babies really quick after each other and her tummy was the same as yours, she had stretch marks plus she had her skin hanging.. she had tummy tuck and she put tattoos over her stretch marks I'm not saying for you to do the same but look at her as inspiration and don't feel down.. I'm having soon the second baby with a year! And I can tell you my stretch marks are visible and definitely have hanging skin.. I will deal with it as well after the second baby I born.. so far do your best to feel proud of your body because it created the baby! I know it's hard I had nice body before and I get weight a lot during my first pregnancy.. I feel like a bear and sometimes feel sorry for my body because I miss the old one.. but we choose to have children.. and btw stretch marks are not always avoidable.. my cousin is a midwife and what have they learned at schools is that in your genes..y older sister has no stretch marks her body looks perfect same as before.. me other hand I have stretch mark even on my ass 😅 so I just said to myself my mom had it my grandmother had it.. my younger sister has it even tho she wasn't even pregnant yet.. and on the internet don't believe everything you see.. sometimes is fake sometimes true.. but in the end you have to find a way to come to terms with your body or you just be unhappy..

OP not to be harsh but some people never have flat stomachs or count as 'beautiful' and they manage to get through their lives.

Op this sounds like a very difficult time for you I do think you should see your gp to see what options are available to you such as counselling also slot of plastic surgeons offer free consultations if you do want to know what options are available cosmetically to fix it ! I do think there is lots of advice on here too that can help such as moisturizer especially the one with fake tan and also exercising it also may seem worse to you than it is! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time

It's disgusting isn't it OP. So awful when you just don't feel like it's your body. Mentally I'm in a great place, but HATE, HATE, HATE what 2 babies have done to my body. It wasn't perfect before, I'm not young, I'm not delusional. But I AM allowed to be sad for what I've lost AS WELL AS be happy for the beautiful children I have.

But unfortunately it is something that you have to learn to live with one way or another.

I just wanted to add - mine still looked like that after eighteen months. My DC are now 8 and 6 and it is hugely improved. It’s not ‘perfect’ but it isn’t anything like what it was. These things do sometimes take time.