Can’t cope with the state of my stomach after childbirth

[MistyGlen]

I only gained two stone while pregnant. But my baby was huge (11lb) and my stomach was enormous. I cried as every new stretch mark appeared. I felt like I was watching my body being destroyed in front of my eyes and I couldn’t make it stop.

The day after I gave birth the midwife said oh poor you, that’ll never go back to normal. And it didn’t. 18 months later it hangs like a wrinkly apron. I can’t run because it hurts when it flaps up and down. I’ve thrown out all the full length mirrors in the house. I can’t look at myself or let anyone else see me, even my husband. It’s destroying my marriage. I always took pride in my appearance - I looked good and I felt confident. Now I hate my body and feel ashamed. I don’t wear makeup or nice clothes any more because there’s no point.

Today I saw a friend wearing a bikini. She gave birth after me, it was her second, and her stomach is perfect. I’ve cried all day. How is it fair that she gets to have a baby without paying the price I’ve paid? The internet is plastered with similarly perfect mothers. How do they have no stretch marks!!

I feel jealous and angry. I hate every mother who looks good. I don’t understand why this has happened to me or why I’m being punished with this disfigurement.

I get it.I remember looking at my post natal body and thinking wtf has happened to me.My stomach was my best feature and I loved it.I lost the weight in time and although there are some flesh coloured stretch marks I've realised that the only time anyone will see my stomach is if I'm in a bikini which is rare.Its really hard to adjust but you will get there I promise.

My stomach wasnt an issue for me, for be it was my boobs.
They were nice pre-pregnancy. Not huge, not saggy, could go braless (and did!), not small, just right. After I had DD I milked myself silly as he was in SCBU and they told me it would help him (so I went OTT). I then breastfed until he was 1 and I'm now left with two sad sacks instead of breasts. They look deflated, they are propped up in my bra now instead of my bra surrounding them. They have no shape, they have no bounce, they hang low and they look sad.
Sex is now exclusively me on my back because I can't have them hang at DH.
I find myself looking wistfully at other women's boobs and feeling sad that I don't have what they do.
I remind myself daily that they were 'working boobs', they fed and helped my DS, they helped make him what he is today. DH loves me, DS loves me. I am not my boobs. It's hard to come to terms with, and I'm not there yet (nearly 3 years later) but I'm in a much better place now.
Have had to change my style (I was a fan on wrap tops etc) and have invested in much better bras to help.

OP, this isn't a solution, but it may help you from temporarily, have you tried the body shaping undergarments?

OP, I was very similar to you
2 huge babies, 2 C sections. I had a tummy tuck and my stomach is perfect again. They get rid of the excess skin and retighten the muscles. If you can find the money, or take out a loan it is so worth it.

Don't really like the people invalidating Ops feelings, basically saying she's wrong to feel this way, or is somehow shallow. Childbirth and rearing takes enough of our identity away, it's just enough slap in the face that one moment you can have a body that feels like 'you,' and then the next moment your self image is shattered. Everyone has their ideals of what makes them feel attractive, and other people telling you basically 'tough luck' and 'what did you expect' are just sour, and like they've given up. Good for you if you can just wave goodbye to your self image without a care in the world, but not everyone is the same.

Wow. There are some very judgy, unhelpful people on this thread. OP hasn't done anything wrong or hurt anybody - she's just struggling with how her body has changed.

OP I'm sorry I can't offer any real advice, but please don't make people feel like you're shallow or ungrateful for feeling this way. YOU AREN'T! Could you possibly have postnatal depression that's manifesting in deep unhappiness in how you look? It may be an idea to visit your GP and see whether they can help, either with how you're feeling or the physical side.

Similar place here.

I had ds in 2017. Then in 2018 found out I was pg with dd. She arrived 7 weeks ago.

I hated being pregnant this time. And hate how my body looks now.

Don’t get me wrong I love both littlies. I’m grieving for my pre children self.

I have however got a gym membership and signed up for training sessions. So am going to work at getting “my” body back. It’ll take time and work. And I’ll have to fit it in around the kids and dh. But even thinking about it is making me feel better. Plus all the added extras from exercising - better sleep, better mental health etc.

I used to feel like this, I did put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and my stretch marks and saggy stomach really upset me. I got really fit, ate well and looked good in clothes but still felt shit about myself and terrified my horrible stomach skin might escape from my clothes and be seen somehow. My mum is similarly judgemental about others women's weight/bodies. I actually felt a huge turning point for me was seeing a woman about ten years older than me at a boot camp one morning who was incredibly fit and amazingly strong. She was wearing a cropped style gym top and at the end of the class I noticed her skin on her stomach had a similar wrinkly look to mine. Until that point I had been admiring her strength and arm muscles. The first time I hadn't immediately stared at someone's stomach for comparison and I realised that it wasn't important what we look like, it matters how we use our bodies. I've actually let myself go quite a bit since then but feel happier in myself since realising that what I look like just doesn't matter that much to anyone but me.

@phoebewallyfridge sorry I know this post is old but I have also had 2 c sections, huge babies and I'm looking into surgery. I have a huge saggy miss-shapen belly button, stretchmarks, flap or skin overhanging my c section scar. Just wondering where you got your surgery done? I'm based in London and I have no idea where to start looking!

OP anything could have happened in your life that could have resulted in you “losing” your perfect body. I have a gorgeous friend who was hit by a drunk driver and paralysed, she has struggled with weight gain due to being in a wheelchair and for a long period (quite rightly) felt like her body had been taken away from her and was very depressed. She is thankfully out the other side now and is, and always has been, a beautiful person inside and out. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad but rather to help you understand that you are not guaranteed a picture perfect body for the rest of your life. Life happens, bodies change, we change. What you do have a is a DC that loves you. I know it is hard now but you’re still so new to this and I promise it will get easier. I do second seeing a therapist to help you work through why you feel so upset about this, perhaps you have defined yourself by your image for a long time and now you don’t recognise who you are anymore? A good therapist can help you work through this and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than a tummy tuck.

Well I didn’t read this carefully enough and notice it was 3 years old!! Oops.

@phoebewallyfridge I’d also interested if you would be willing to share where you had your surgery. I actually started a thread about post c-section tummy tucks the other day!