Can’t cope with the state of my stomach after childbirth

[MistyGlen]

I only gained two stone while pregnant. But my baby was huge (11lb) and my stomach was enormous. I cried as every new stretch mark appeared. I felt like I was watching my body being destroyed in front of my eyes and I couldn’t make it stop.

The day after I gave birth the midwife said oh poor you, that’ll never go back to normal. And it didn’t. 18 months later it hangs like a wrinkly apron. I can’t run because it hurts when it flaps up and down. I’ve thrown out all the full length mirrors in the house. I can’t look at myself or let anyone else see me, even my husband. It’s destroying my marriage. I always took pride in my appearance - I looked good and I felt confident. Now I hate my body and feel ashamed. I don’t wear makeup or nice clothes any more because there’s no point.

Today I saw a friend wearing a bikini. She gave birth after me, it was her second, and her stomach is perfect. I’ve cried all day. How is it fair that she gets to have a baby without paying the price I’ve paid? The internet is plastered with similarly perfect mothers. How do they have no stretch marks!!

I feel jealous and angry. I hate every mother who looks good. I don’t understand why this has happened to me or why I’m being punished with this disfigurement.

Drink lots of water, eat nutritious food (not low calories or low fat) not crap and walk, walk a lot

It won’t make your stomach completely flat and as smooth as silk but it will improve it enormously

Then come to terms with the fact that your self worth should not be tied up in how your stomach looks. You have a beautiful baby to show for your less than perfect stomach, not everyone is that fortunate! And yes, some women’s stomachs go back more nicely, but they might have more worrying issues in life...life isn’t fair- but you do need to catch yourself on a bit, there are FAR worse things that could befall you than this , truly 🌷

Oh Op please don't despair. There are so many women who have the same issue! You are not alone.

First thing though is don't compare yourself with the previous you or these other perfect mummy's as we all react to pregnancy differently. Having a saggy tummy doesn't define you and you will not suddenly be ugly. Your body has done an amazing thing!

Second - check if you have diastasis recti (which is separation of the tummy muscles) it causes a pregnant like belly if left untreated. Once you've checked for it if you have a gap between your muscles of more than 2cm then go to your Gp and get referred for physio with women's health physio. There are specific exercises you can do to shrink the gap and make your tummy go back to a normal shape. Can take a long time though... you need to do the exercises regularly. Mine was bad I could fit my whole hand width in gap but now it's only 2 fingers wide and my tummy is starting to look more normal. Google Katrina Oakley she has videos on how to check for it.

Thirdly - the loose skin and stretch marks need time. As you improve your core (if doing exercises for a gap) or doing other diastasis recti safe exercises and lose weight it will gradually tighten up a bit. It was 2.4 years after my first that i noticed any improvement in the loose skin. Try dry brushing too.

Fourth - go shopping get some new
clothes that flatter you and you feel ok in.

Check your diet is healthy.

You've got this!! You can do it!!

I've never in my life had a perfect stomach, whatever that is.

Presumably you're happy and well and have a healthy child?

It's not abnormal at all to no longer have a teenagers body after giving birth. You have to work with what you've got and make the best of it. There's absolutely no point in longing for your previous body. You can't reverse time, and the whole process resulted in the birth of your child.

Get off Instagram would be my advice. To most people actually. Comparing yourself to other people is the most pointless waste of energy.

Not one word about your baby. It's all about you, your appearance, your confidence. Are you happy you had a baby? Because you don't sound like you are. Did you not understand what could happen to your body? Of all the surprise drawbacks of pregnancy, I think the weight gain is a pretty well known one.

@MistyGlen - it sounds as if you are grieving for your lost body image.

Sadly, even with surgery, you may not get back your body as it was before - but I do believe that you can get to a place where you not only accept your body as it is, but learn to love it again.

Your body has done something pretty amazing - it has made a beautiful, healthy baby. And your mind is just as amazing - you may not be able to change your body or make it what you want it to be - but I promise you, you CAN change your feelings. Your mind truly is that powerful.

You may benefit from some therapy, to help,you achieve this, but it is do-able - honestly.

Love yourself - you are worth it.

@Fantababy what a judgemental post. People suffer in various ways after having a baby and postnatal depression is very real and claims the lives of some women. This OP is asking for help not you judging her and casting that she's a bad mother for being affected by the huge physical change her body has gone through

It sounds like you're going through a hard time and are depressed. While it's normal to be sad that your body isn't quite as it was before children, it's worrying that this has taken over your thoughts quite so much and does suggest maybe a deeper issue.

I second giving yourself a break from social media OP.

Away from social media/tv people age, they change weight, some lose, some gain, bodies change shape, this doesn’t in anyway impact on how worthy these people are.

Would you tell Katie Piper she should judge herself on the way she looks ?
Obviously not - so why are you criticising yourself ?

Sympathies OP. I can really relate and after a few years of debating whether or not I want to have another baby - I have decided to have abdominoplasty in the new year.

My muscles separated with my first child and I had approx 2 billion stretch marks. Afterwards I just found a new way to dress and it was okay to some extent as I could hide it away and ignore it.

I then fell pregnant with twins and the muscles continued to separate. I had a c section that time round and I now have a 3cm gap from my breast to my pubic bone. I look about 5 months pregnant (been asked a few times if I'm expecting which is mortifying for both parties) and I can't hide it this time round. I am quite small everywhere else so it really is noticeable.

One of my twins was stillborn so no matter how hard I tried to embrace it, I just end up feeling like it's this visual reminder of what I've lost and what I continue to lose out on, by not feeling comfortable in my own body.

Are you happy you had a baby? Because you don't sound like you are. Did you not understand what could happen to your body?

I love my baby. But I admit I never aspired to be a mother. The baby’s father wanted me to have him - left to my own devices I’d still be child free. I’m incredibly resentful about how my body and life has changed, while my partner (the one who wanted the baby) still has his normal body and his job and his peaceful sleep every night.

I’m also resentful about how other women have bounced back. Having your body ruined is one of those things you read as a horror story in the news but you never think it’ll happen to you. I thought it would be fine, I’d go back to normal like my friends have, like my mother did (she doesn’t have a single stretch mark). I believed everyone saying it’s genetic and my mum went back to normal so I would too. She doesn’t k ow what to say to me, she’s horrified by the state of my body because she was back in a bikini the year after she had me. I don’t know what went wrong.

”She doesn’t know what to say to me, she’s horrified by the state of my body because she was back in a bikini the year after she had me...”

That breaks my heart, @MistyGlen! She should be supporting you and reassuring you, not making you feel worse!

As I said earlier - please consider some therapy - you deserve to feel happy and secure in yourself - you are worth it, and you are beautiful.

Did your mum actually say that to you Op? Or is that what you think she thinks of you? Sometimes we think people judge us for how we look but it's our own feelings reflecting on them and everyone else really doesn't notice our imperfections. You sure it's not your mum being sad for us if we clearly dont like aspects of our bodies.

I have lots of stretch marks from my pregnancy and looks a bit like a road map but I wouldn't say I'm ugly because of it. I actually love it. It's me now and I did an incredible thing and grew a little human.
I understand it's hard for you OP but is there anyone you could see or speak to about feeling confident in yourself again? I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time with it all but I do hope you learn to love your body x

Hmm. If my daughter was as fixated and depressed about her perfectly normal post birth body, I would be horrified. Not because she HAD a post birth body, you understand, but because clearly she is fixating on totally unimportant matters at the expense of her mental health. I’d be whipping her off to counselling. IF your mother has expressed horror at your actual body (and not at the state of your mind, which is pretty horrifying) then she is veering into emotional abuse, and being brought up to prioritise aesthetics over more important matters probably explains why you are struggling so much with the real life body that a massive percentage of mothers live with.
I don’t think your mother has done you any favours if she has brought you up to believe that a perfect body is the be all and end all, and is now expressing horror that yours now errs towards completely ordinary.
But do get yourself some counselling and try to explore why having an ordinary body is so distressing for you. If indeed it is just that and not post natal depression.

Oh OP, you don't have a body problem, you have a partner problem! He needs to pull his weight, not swan about living an unchanged life while yours is unrecognisable.
Counselling might help you sort out your thinking round this. There are lots of different things going on, and talking it out with someone will help, truly. And will help you decide what you need to do. Some big conversations with your partner seem pretty urgent too. He needs to step up so you can rest, and do things YOU want to do too.

I had loose skin after losing a lot of weight. You need to weight train, pilates and perform low impact exercise such as brisk walking, as it improves elasticity. Also, drink lots of water and ensure you are monitoring your calorie intake as having a baby can often mess with your metabolism.

Not one word about your baby. It's all about you, your appearance, your confidence.

And it is THIS sacrificial, intensive societal expectations of motherhood - where mother submits herself and her needs desires and identity to the foetus/infant/child and that becomes her main identity - THIS is what is so profoundly wrong with how we do gender in all things maternity related. The OP’s views and worries are valid. They are legitimate. They do not need to be subservient or secondary to her child.

Sorry but millions of women are desperate to have babies and can't; they'd jump at the chance of a wobbly tummy. Not one person has a perfect body. I'd get to the GP.

I wondered when someone would be along with the whole "you should feel lucky to have a baby, I can't" blah blah blah.
The post isn't about you, it's about the OP and your comment doesn't help anyone.

I know of only 2 women whose body reverted back to normal after their baby was born but for the majority most have loose skin and/or stretch marks. That is life and you have to find a way to deal with it.

Sorry but millions of women are desperate to have babies and can't; they'd jump at the chance of a wobbly tummy.

Stop and think. Is grief and struggle a competition? Each time one of us expresses a struggle with X or Y issue we need to now cos kit the yardstick of comparisons to see where it falls and unless we are at the top of it we shut up? That sort of logic takes away the vast part of this website does it not? Why have the Relationships board for example where there are people mourning dear ones on Bereavement? Why have a doghouse board when there are people having to put their pets to sleep? Just think about your insane logic.

Cos kit = consult

It's gutting I know. Mine has been like that since I was 21 and I had a lovely flat tummy before. Why not finish your family then have a tummy tuck. East Grinstead Hospital Queen Victoria is a very reputable plastic surgery unit. One of the best and surgery is 6k. I had my boobs done there as they were spaniels ears also. I saved up over 5 years. Some women seem to be genetically inclined to it. Others get away stretch mark free.

I have to say I never had my tummy done as I'm 60 now and don't care about it any more but if I did I'd get it done. For me not anyone else else.

Op I think you need to seek help I think your stomach is a symbol

I get some resentment as well that your partners life hasn’t changed addresss tgat