Coming to terms with c section births

[NewName19]

Basically I’m feeling like a failure and I’m the only one of my friends who had c section deliveries and they all harp on about how wonderful their natural births were.

My eldest isn’t such a bad story in the sense that the c section was to save our lives. I had severe pre eclampsia that developed into eclampsia with seizures when I got to hospital and he was born at 31 weeks weighing just over 2lbs.

My youngest however I feel so let down and disappointed. I went full term which felt amazing as I’d never been that pregnant before. But I was pumped full of drugs to keep me pregnant and my blood pressure low, saw the consultant most weeks and generally couldn’t enjoy pregnancy. Was on painkillers most of pregnancy due to a hernia and daily blood thining injections. I laboured for 37 hours naturally without a scrap of pain relief then ended up needing a c section when I started pushing as her heart rate went crazy and it turns out my scar was starting to split. So without the c section she could have died. But part of me keeps thinking “maybe I went in to hospital too soon” “maybe I should have pushed harder” etc etc. Then the blood transfusion I needed after made me feel even more of a failure. I mean what kind of woman can’t carry a child to term or push a baby out?! I really feel I missed a right of passage.

Please talk me out of my slump. And that it doesn’t matter how the babies arrive, as long as they are healthy and mummy too

OP you are anything but a failure!! From experience I felt exactly the same with both my c-section babies. I'm still a little frustrated that I didn't experience a vaginal birth, but that feeling has got so much less the longer it's been.

I felt so angry & cheated before & it seems like everyone doesn't shut up about their perfect births. Just made me not want to talk to anyone!

However the older I get, the more time passes & the more I see how my boys are so amazing (IMO) I see that it really doesn't matter. We're all here safe & sound & thank god I was somewhere I could access hospital care etc.

Be gentle on yourself. It's a slow process to accept. You're grieving for the something that you were hoping to experience. Soon enough you'll be back to thinking of other things & this won't be constantly in your mind.

Really you've done amazing. Be proud! Xx

Oh my god you’ve really earned your tiger stripe! You are a warrior who has got two wonderfully alive and healthy children. Yes so you didn’t sneeze them out, but you and they are alive! Isn’t that wonderful?
I had an emcs with my twins after 8 hours of labour. Just don’t listen to people who say they had a “natural” birth. There’s nothing natural about birthing another human from your foof if you think about it... go easy on yourself :)

Please don’t beat yourself up.
Be proud of yourself.
Urgh I HATE how women are made to feel like crap over this. Be gentle. Birth is just an event to get a baby.
It is not meant to be a massively empowering transcendental life affirming process. It is to get a healthy baby. Full stop.

I had two sections for medical reasons. My husband’s ex said ‘oh so you didn’t have a real birth’. Well it felt pretty real to me!
There’s no hero status for people who have a natural birth.
You had sections for legitimate reasons. If you had needed a transfusion after a stroke would you be blaming yourself for not having better control over your blood? Of course not. If you had broken your leg and needed an operation with pins instead of a simple cast would you blame yourself for the fact your bone broke a certain way?
You have two healthy kids. Why does it matter how they got here?
Women and babies used to die in childbirth before there was the medical help you got. It’s not a competition.

You ask what kind of woman can't carry a baby to term or push it out. I say, what kind of woman is able to make those difficult decisions, those sacrifices, for her babies? An incredible one. One who is an excellent mother.

Going through all of that in pregnancy, plus that birth? You're stronger and more amazing than you give yourself credit for.

I had one birth that needed forceps and one c section. They are both as important to me as each other as they were the delivery of my children.
You have had 2 births and you have 2 children. The ins and outs of how they arrived really don't matter.

Thank you all, it does help to put it into perspective. We are all alive. I could have easily died with either one for various reasons. They (the medical team) have said I’d be ok to have a third if I wanted one but it would be consultant led, c section with sterilisation unless hysterectomy was needed as apparently bleeding only gets worse as the number of c sections increase. I don’t think I can bring myself to do it though. Why risk my babies being without a mummy.

My kids are actually older than you would expect but these thoughts are getting worse rather than better.

Partly because I’ve got 3 pregnant colleagues and I’m the only other one in my team so they all come to me for “birth stories” and yeah, mine suck and today I got the “thank god I didn’t know your stories before I got pregnant, I’d never have let it happen”

I don’t get this at all.
It has never even crossed my mind that I’m a failure for having sections because of pre eclampsia.
I just don’t understand why any one would think this.

Does this mean that you think I’m a failure for not staying pregnant until 40 weeks, for having low birth weight babies, for not risking the loss of my children?

Have you thought about counselling? Sounds like you are traumatised by it.

crosser I think you may be right. It’s getting worse as time goes on not better. It doesn’t help we are raised to think pregnancy and birth are these amazing wonderful things our bodies are built for so when something deviates from the norm then we don’t know how to feel

I struggled with feeling how you do; with my first she was premature and I had to have a c section and I’ve been given no option but to have a section with my second.
What I do know though is that c sections aren’t the easy way out; they’re incredibly tough and the way you give birth doesn’t take away the amazingness that you’ve created a baby.
I also think your friends must be very different to mine; several of mine had sections and the ones who had natural births are quite brutal in their retelling of how difficult it was.

Oh God, imagine if that was all you had to bang on abut, how you gave birth. You are a mum. That is a huge gift, and you have so many amazing times ahead. Probably a few hair-raising ones too. Smile through the anecdotes and wait for them to pass, they are just moments in time. You had healthy babies, enjoy them and the privilege of being that unique person for them, Mum. 💐

I promise you, ten years on you won’t be worried about it. I had an EMC ten years ago and the only thing that I think now when I hug my child is how wonderful and gorgeous they are. How they arrived doesn’t feature at all. I don’t say that to minimise your feelings at all but just to offer a different perspective. in those early days I think it can be really difficult to keep a sense of perspective but I promise you what matters long term is that your child is here, however that happened.

It sounds like you had a rough time - please don’t beat yourself up. As if birth is some kind of pass or fail exercise?

I started with home birth and, 36 hours later, ended up with an emergency c section because he was an unexpected breech. They actually gave me the option to continue and I am so glad I didn’t. I was tired and he was a big, long baby. The obstetrician said to me afterwards that she thought it was a good call, and I agree. My sister who works in healthcare said ‘if they give you the option for a c-section, take it’ because they don’t tend to just hand them out.

I have no regrets and I CHOSE to have a c-section! It makes no difference to my son how he came into the world. It makes no difference to my identity as a woman or a mother. And it makes no difference to yours either.

But, I think you’ve had some traumatic experiences and maybe this is your brain working it out? I agree with a pp that seeking some kind of formal context to sort things out might be the thing.

If it helps, I had a vaginal delivery for my tiny DD with a broken coccyx, post-partum heamorrhage, 4 hrs of pushing, ventouse to help her out eventually and a third degree tear. Had a blood transfusion 2 days later to help me stand up without passing out. Home a few days later and developed an infection. Felt like a car crash, cried buckets and felt i’d failed utterly. To add insult to injury I also had horrendous stretch marks and diastasis recti which no one seemed to know anything about, while all the other mums floated about starting to exercise and talk about having no. 2.

When I finally gathered the courage to have another, I went to the Dr armed with NICE guidelines about c-sections after 3rd degree tears, prepared to have a fight on my hands but they agreed. I had huge 8lb6ozs DS with my music playing, everything went just as they had said it would and he latched on and fed like a dream from the moment he was out. Recovery was pretty easy and I didn’t cry once, it was bliss.

So for me, despite feeling a failure in the beginning, a c-section birth was a revelation and a glorious epiphany that birth is a mechanical process and if you’re lucky it’s easy but like a pp said, we died in huge numbers in the past so for many women, birth will be complicated and difficult.

Sorry the feelings aren’t subsiding with time as mine certainly have but I have had to make peace with a lot more than that birth since, so perhaps that has helped me move on.

Count yourself lucky you have a healthy baby, or even a baby!

I had 3 natural births and count myself very lucky, however, I would put c section mums up on one of the highest pedistalls. Not only did you go through pregnancy, but you then made extra sacrifices to ensure the safe delivery. You underwent major surgery to provide the safest route into this world for your baby, you had to recover yourself and care for a newborn.
Becoming a mum isn't about a baby sticking it's head out your floof, it's about knowing you'll do absolutely anything and sacrifice yourself for your child.

You are supermum, but I agree agree with a poster above that you may need some support on a more professional level to help you accept this.

Xxx

Omg you are not a failure. I totally understand why you would down about not being able to bring your children into the world the way you wanted to as I was the same. My son wrapped the cord around his neck after i was fully dilated ... Prior to my labour I was worrying about tearing and having to have stitches and never thought for a moment that anything would prevent me from having him without intervention even when he was back to back. You still did the most amazing thing in the world. You created life. You're amazing and you should remind yourself of that everytime you look at your children. You're not a failure ... You're a mother and I expect a wonderful one at that.

Further to that there are post pregnancy groups you can speak with - the hospital provided me with information as I still get choked when I think about the birth because I could have lost my son. Ask your HV or midwife.

Waiting.... Faithfully

I had an emcs with DS1, elected for a section with DS2 and it was fantastic. For every positive vaginal birth experience there will be someone who had a very difficult time and/or suffered fairly serious injury. I have no desire to ever give birth vaginally.

I honestly think this whole "birth experience" bollocks is just that, bollocks. It's not an "experience" it's a painful and potentially dangerous process that leads to the deaths of 800 women a day worldwide.

You said that in both of your birth situations you (and possibly baby) would have died if it wasn't for the section? So what else could you possibly have done?

You are safe and well. Your babies are safe and well. You have not suffered any significant long term damage as a result of your births. That's a pretty great outcome.

If you are still struggling with this then I really think you should consider some therapy to work through your feelings. Best of luck.

I had an unplanned/ last minute c section and yes it was painful after but it was an amazing experience as it's what gave me my beautiful baby. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again I will choose another c section straight off. I'm not a failure, I fed and carried my beautiful daughter until she was ready for this world.

Anyone with any kind of attitude about vaginal birth v c section needs to seriously get over themselves and grow up. So long as baby is here safe (mums safe too) is all that matters. Similar to the way people judge about breast v bottle.
The ones who are ignorant enough to think everyone should bf and should have a vaginal birth are just judgemental nobody's who need some life experiences as one day something isn't going to go their 'perfect' way and they'll get a nasty shock!!

Be rational when it gets to you op- we don't walk around with a v or a c on our heads to show how we've been born- neither do our children. You have beautiful kids that YOU carried and brought into the world.

Be wary of these friends that their children aren't perfect by the book kids doing everything perfectly as the baby book says etc. Chances are if they are how I'm judging them to be, their perfect birth stories will soon turn into their perfect baby's milestones. Forgive me if I'm wrong about your friends, hands up- I judge too!!

How old is your last baby? Sorry I've not read all the posts, if I missed that detail. And sorry again if I repeat someone else's advice.
You may suffer from post natal depression (which is very common and even more common after a difficult birth) but hey mama, let me tell you, your body did an amazing thing. You grew those two babies and you kept them safe inside of you. Having a section makes you an amazing mum. Not only did you deal w a newborn, all the hormones and exhaustion, you also dealt w the real issue of major surgery and your body being slaughtered to save your babies life. That is cool mama! You didn't bounce back from an 'easy viganal birth' (I won't say normal birth because what is 'normal' anyway?!), you dealt w a scar, pain for weeks, being unable to drive, hoover or lift anything heavy for way longer than your friends, and you STILL managed to be a super mum who met all the needs of her kiddies.
I had an emergency section (I was a midwife and had it all planned out! Vaginal birth, no pain relief, birthing pool, soft lights and music...) 😂 after the second contraction I screamed like a train hooter, demanded the strongest cocktail of pain relief possible and verbally assaulted anyone within earshot!
Birth is different for anyone. Your friends have got no idea of what you have experienced so let if roll off you girl! 🧡
The only heroes here are you, you ob-gyn and your bubbas!

I mean what kind of woman can’t carry a child to term or push a baby out?!

Me! I got fully dilated and pushed for around 2 hours with dc1. Despite being six pounds nine ounces he never budged. A six foot something bloke tried pulling him out with forceps...again never budged. I'm 5'8 and have been told I have "childbearing hips" since puberty. In fact my MiL still apologises for everything she said when I was pregnant even though dc1 is 4. I apparently have a sub optimal pelvis and made the mistake of marrying someone whose family all have giant heads.

I don't consider myself to have given birth but I've just accepted that is how I feel and it's unlikely to change. I know part of my issue was compounded by the fact that I've been very lucky with my c-section recoveries on a physical level (the least said about my mental health with the first, the better) and haven't needed any pain killers after what I was given in theatre which contributed to my feelings of utter rubbishness with dc1. I couldn't even suffer correctly after failing motherhood 101.

I found that reframing it helped a bit. That despite everything which followed, my instinct at the time proved true and I prioritised the life of my child over everything else. That the only thing which kept me going through the pain and the fear was the thought of their heart beating inside me.

Congratulations on having two healthy children. If it helps, I lived for a time in a country where medical care was hours away for much of the population, and only available to those who could pay. I spoke to women who had lost children in childbirth - and I suspect you wouldn't have made it yourself given what you've described. My own DD was born by c-section (in the UK) as any attempt at labour would have killed her. I'm very grateful to have had access to medical care that saved her; I definitely don't consider myself a failure.

I had to have c sections with all 3 of my children for various reasons, they came into the world healthy, that's all that matters to me!