Coming to terms with c section births

[NewName19]

Basically I’m feeling like a failure and I’m the only one of my friends who had c section deliveries and they all harp on about how wonderful their natural births were.

My eldest isn’t such a bad story in the sense that the c section was to save our lives. I had severe pre eclampsia that developed into eclampsia with seizures when I got to hospital and he was born at 31 weeks weighing just over 2lbs.

My youngest however I feel so let down and disappointed. I went full term which felt amazing as I’d never been that pregnant before. But I was pumped full of drugs to keep me pregnant and my blood pressure low, saw the consultant most weeks and generally couldn’t enjoy pregnancy. Was on painkillers most of pregnancy due to a hernia and daily blood thining injections. I laboured for 37 hours naturally without a scrap of pain relief then ended up needing a c section when I started pushing as her heart rate went crazy and it turns out my scar was starting to split. So without the c section she could have died. But part of me keeps thinking “maybe I went in to hospital too soon” “maybe I should have pushed harder” etc etc. Then the blood transfusion I needed after made me feel even more of a failure. I mean what kind of woman can’t carry a child to term or push a baby out?! I really feel I missed a right of passage.

Please talk me out of my slump. And that it doesn’t matter how the babies arrive, as long as they are healthy and mummy too

Completely astonished that women carry children for 9 months never mind evict them one way or another.

You're a legend, 👍🏻

I had a “natural” VB with no intervention or pain relief (too fast) for DC1 so was expecting a similar experience for DC2. I ended up with a semi elective CS which was a huge surprise & honestly the day after I felt a little robbed, I think largely due to the pain, stupidly thought it was the easy way. I don’t love my scar however it was 100% the right decision for dc2 & I focus on that.

I've had two c-sections. Never given birth naturally. If I'm honest, it doesn't bother me and I don't really feel like I missed out on anything by having sections. My kids are alive. I am alive.

My first one was very scary and having been through it once before, I was certain that I didn't want to chance labour again to risk another emergency c-section.

I never bothered with all the NCT stuff before kids. I wasn't particularly fussed about breastfeeding. I wasn't one of those 'earth mother' types. I did not want to even consider having a c-section before having my first. Mainly because I was afraid of hospitals and having surgery. I had never been to hospital before having kids. I never felt like I failed as a mother. I did have a lot of resentment for a while about being literally cut in half, but I think that was more about how having a child fucks up your body and your life and I would probably have felt like that after a natural birth too.

It did help me going through my notes from DS1 birth. I couldn't have done anything differently really. I was induced for pre-eclampsia. The drip was too strong, contractions were too strong, his heart rate was dropping and he was in an awkward position anyway. Even if the induction hadn't gone to shit, he was nine pounds and would probably have had to be cut out anyway, either through my stomach or vaginally. So it is what it is. With my youngest, I chose the most familiar way and it was a really positive experience.

I don't really discuss much of my birth stories with people unless they ask. It usually starts when I talk about the DC size and birth weights. People say I bet that hurt, I tell them they were c-section and that's usually the end of it.

Ive had 3 c/s 2 emergency and 1 planned. Im over it now (7 years after the planned c/s) but not being able to birth myself will always be a huge disappointment. Despite everything people say.
Tbh now I joke and say I couldnt push a baby because I didn't try hard enough.
I did bloody try though!!

It doesn’t help we are raised to think pregnancy and birth are these amazing wonderful things our bodies are built for so when something deviates from the norm then we don’t know how to feel.

Please keep in mind maternal mortality before C-section medical advances.

I had 2 natural births, then a C-section. I found the recovery from the C-section more difficult, but, other than that, I found little difference. So, having had both, I don't think you are really missing anything particularly unique.

I had a c section and hated it, I cried throughout the whole thing because I was so petrified but I never once felt disappointed because I got my baby out of it and like you, we'd have quite possibly died if not. So my message to you would be to just ignore the fact that your friends/work colleagues are having natural babies you my dear have had your insides opened up, closed back up and then been made to walk after 24 hours as if nothing occurred. You should feel PROUD that you achieved it whilst looking after another human being. I've got relatives and friends who were out for meals and at birthday parties days/weeks later and yes that sucks as I was still walking hunched over and in agony but they tore and had multiple prolapses so it's not all rosy on the other side. It's a major operation and you've done well, I think c section mamas need to be heard more!! Take care xx

you my dear have had your insides opened up, closed back up and then been made to walk after 24 hours as if nothing occurred.

Yeah wtf is that even about?! I had my appendix out years ago & was kept in for 3/4 days after & given morphine. CS was packed off the next morning with paracetamol.

I've done it both ways. The vaginal birth wasn't inherently positive or empowering, not a rite of passage, not a beneficial experience. It was just one of the ways to get the baby out, same as the section. I would not have missed out on anything worth missing out on if I hadn't done it. If you'd had a vaginal birth, you might well have felt the same way about it, or worse. Plenty of us do.

I'm a 2 section Mum - and a midwife, so you can imagine the conflicting feelings!

Had planned a beautiful peaceful home based waterbirth, had a unsuccessful attempt at Induction and an Emergency C-section. But that was our journey, and I don't compare it to the journey other women have because it isn't helpful. I love to cheer on the women who deliver vaginally with no analgesia, and I love to cheer on the women who get an epidural as soon as they can. It is just a process that we need to go through, the safest way we can, to get our babies earthside. It isn't a value based exercise.

There are just too many variables out of our control - you were I'll and your baby needed help, my baby was huge and couldn't fit in my pelvis, another baby was breech. How could anyone control that to change it?

How were you born? Do you remember? Does it have any impact at all on how you view your own Mum? I would suggest you write yourself a little letter, reminding yourself what it was like, how scary it was and how brave you were, and have a little ceremony where you burn or bury it. A symbolic letting go of your sadness and loss, and a celebration of what you did achieve.

OP, stop doing this to yourself.

I don’t know if this helps but I had a drug-free (apart from G&A) vaginal delivery. It - and the recovery - were bloody awful. The most painful, traumatic, debasing, humiliating thing that has ever happened to me. And my vaginal delivery was quite a good one, on paper. If I ever get pregnant again I will be asking for a section.

I’m absolutely not trying to minimise what you went through to bring your babies into this world - c-sections are far from the easy option, and needing one in an emergency must be terrifying. But I’m trying to say that in my view you missed out on nothing by not having a vaginal birth. I know I’ve only got my experience to go on. Perhaps some women do have wonderful, pleasurable vaginal deliveries that count as ‘an experience’ but I’m certainly not one of them - it was an experience I’d gladly have missed out on.

I had two sections. Was so relieved that both DC'S were healthy and that I recuperated well to look after them!

I couldn't give a shit that they weren't 'natural' births. Parenting is hard enough without putting even more pressure on yourself!

Once the baby is 6 months old no-one is interested anyway in how you gave birth.

Partly because I’ve got 3 pregnant colleagues and I’m the only other one in my team so they all come to me for “birth stories” and yeah, mine suck and today I got the “thank god I didn’t know your stories before I got pregnant, I’d never have let it happen” hmm

^

Sounds like you need a new job, tbh.

Going through responses like these and copying and pasting the parts that I found most helpful into a separate document, then reading it through, helped me. Plus writing out my birth story chronologically in lots of detail and highlighting key decision points and writing down why these decisions were made. Then writing down all the qualities that I think make a good mother and a good woman. Turned out that pushing a baby out of my foof with no pain relief if it meant that my baby and I would die was not on my list of things that I thought were good qualities. The kind of labour you have is luck. If you push a baby out your vagina unscathed you are just lucky. The fact that you live in a country where you have medical care that meant you survived is also luck. You don't need to be grateful. But you do need to be kinder to yourself.

Well said @diddlediddle
I was born via c section. Am very grateful. I was very big, very late and totally 100% stuck.
Have I ever thought any less of my mother? Of course not. I am very grateful that she consented to have her abdomen sliced open so I could live. To be honest though, I never thought about it at all until I read this thread.

OP, I have two children and I’ve never had a contraction. When I was 35 weeks with my twins I didn’t feel great, went along for a check up and discovered one of my boys was almost dead - not moving at all, static heart rate. I had an emcs, and they were shipped off to nicu right away. They are both disabled. I wish I could change every single thing about how they were born and how things have gone since but I can’t.

Your children are alive today because of how they arrived - fuck anyone who makes you feel lesser because of that. I’ve had people tell me that I could have had a natural birth if I’d trusted my body more - oh, my body that allowed my child to stop growing and stop moving and almost die? Sure! 🙄

I know I shouldShow more empathy in posts like this and the part of me that can detach from being offended by this would probably say things such as ‘Don’t beat yourself up; you’re not a failure ‘etc (and this is absolutely true. But, mostly I just feel frustrated that there are obviously a lot of mums who secretly must think I’m a failure too. I had a section. I chose a section. I don’t have any beautiful birth stories. Are you all judging me?
It’s such a sad state when the way a woman successfully brings a baby into the world is seen in a negative way. I’ve never even thought to form a judgement on somebody’s birth story.
Water births, pain-killer free births, epidurals, forceps, ventouse, 2 hour labours, 48 hour labours, planned c-sections, emergency c-sections, premature, late...there are so many more variations on birth stories and not one is any ‘better’ or ‘successful’ than another.
Women have enough to deal with without feeling upset if they don’t get their ‘perfect’ birth.

@sinkgirl I cannot believe that people would say something so unbelievably horrible to you. I am so sorry to hear about your difficult birth.

I chose to have a c section due to my mental health. I wouldn't have got pregnant in the first place if I hadn't been reasonably sure I'd be allowed a c section, as there was no way in hell I intended to go through labour and I spent my entire pregnancy terrified I'd go early.

Do I fail at being a woman? I don't think so.

You should be proud of doing your bit to help your babies come into this world safely. I had a c-section and when I hear birth stories I feel a bit sad I don't have much to say (my c-section was straightforward and planned for medical reasons) but I absolutely don't feel guilty for not having a vaginal birth. I did what was recommended and safest. For what it's worth, from my antenatal group of 5, 3 of us needed c-sections.

I had a section. I chose a section.

I obviously can only speak for myself but the important word here to me is "chose". Whilst I don't consider myself to have given birth...I'm a firm believer in women naming and owning their own experiences. I don't judge others for their choices at all. My feelings about my own c-sections are born of personal experiences/baggage, applying that to other women's experiences would make zero sense.

I do think a lot of other women do judge though. One of the community midwives who came out to see me after dc2 was born comiserated me on my 2nd emergency section in a very judgy way...dh almost threw her out of the house. Just what I needed on day 3 when I already couldn't stop crying because my milk had just come in.

I didn’t push either of my children out... we are not failures, are children are proof of that. It’s hard ass having and recovering for a c section. Fucking amazing the medical profession can do them and as long as my children got out safely I am thankful

I find these threads a surprise. I had an emergency c section, pretty much similar to you op, except thr full blown eclampsia started after I delivered, and I spent s month in hospital after wards due to that and other major issues.

I have never once considered I didn't give birth and quite frankly am pleased I didn't have my genitalia ripped open. The point for me was delivering my baby safely. Whatever the method.

I really would focus on that, seriously who gives a shit how your child is delivered, as long as it's the safest option for you and your baby.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I agree but the point I was trying to infer (and didn’t very clearly) was that choosing a section is often judged even more harshly than those who have had emergency sections or for medical reasons. Almost everyone who has posted that they had a section points out that they did so in order to save with their own or their babies’ lives or that there was a medical reason. Women shouldn’t need to do this. It’s ingrained so deeply in society that most women justify their sections without even realising that’s what they’re doing. My section was elective for no reason other than I wanted one - and that is perfectly fine. However, I’m very aware that I’m judged and looked down upon as ‘not having given birth’ by others. It’s rubbish.

If society didn’t hold such ingrained views about how a woman gives birth then I bet women wouldn’t have half Of the negative feelings about their own experiences.
A section for whatever reason brings a baby into the world just as a vaginal birth does.

I had an ELCS. I researched and chose it.

In fact I read a book recommended by a lovely mumsnetter as part of my research.

After the age of 35 you only have a 1 in 3 chance of birth without intervention (venture, forceps, episiotomy etc) and I didn't like those odds.

I've also numerous friends who had horrific births with problems lasting years as a result.

So I chose my ELCS and I do not feel one bit of a failure.