Coming to terms with c section births

[NewName19]

Basically I’m feeling like a failure and I’m the only one of my friends who had c section deliveries and they all harp on about how wonderful their natural births were.

My eldest isn’t such a bad story in the sense that the c section was to save our lives. I had severe pre eclampsia that developed into eclampsia with seizures when I got to hospital and he was born at 31 weeks weighing just over 2lbs.

My youngest however I feel so let down and disappointed. I went full term which felt amazing as I’d never been that pregnant before. But I was pumped full of drugs to keep me pregnant and my blood pressure low, saw the consultant most weeks and generally couldn’t enjoy pregnancy. Was on painkillers most of pregnancy due to a hernia and daily blood thining injections. I laboured for 37 hours naturally without a scrap of pain relief then ended up needing a c section when I started pushing as her heart rate went crazy and it turns out my scar was starting to split. So without the c section she could have died. But part of me keeps thinking “maybe I went in to hospital too soon” “maybe I should have pushed harder” etc etc. Then the blood transfusion I needed after made me feel even more of a failure. I mean what kind of woman can’t carry a child to term or push a baby out?! I really feel I missed a right of passage.

Please talk me out of my slump. And that it doesn’t matter how the babies arrive, as long as they are healthy and mummy too

I mean what kind of woman can’t carry a child to term or push a baby out

I don't know if I can as I didn't try. Breach twin by c section at 35 weeks. I don't feel like a failure, why would I? I made two healthy babies.
As others have said if you had any other medical condition would you feel like you've failed to control your body? The further away you get from the birth the less important it will be. I honestly can't even remember the name of my midwife now and I used to see her once a week.

I know exactly how you feel. Breach only discovered at just under 42 weeks so felt it was the safest option. I didnt even get to experience contractions or anything. I was gutted, I still am. Its got easier to come to terms with the longer its gone on, I look at my lo and often think it could have been so difference and I made a huge decision to ensure he arrived safely. Take care of yourself, it's frustrating I know. I know how you feel. Bug hugs x. X

When I hear my mates talking about having to go for counselling post vaginal birth because it was so traumatic and getting their haemorrhoids and stitches sorted I thank my lucky stars I had a section! Your pregnant mates might be talking about the wonderful natural waterbirth they are going to have with no pain relief - don't feel envy, feel pity. They genuinely don't know what's ahead of them. Chat to them in a year and see if you still feel envious.

choosing a section is often judged even more harshly than those who have had emergency sections or for medical reasons.

Oh I totally agree. I "elected" for an elective with my 2nd due to what happened with my 1st and whilst things didn't exactly go to plan as my babies like to come early, I found a lot of women were amazed that I'd say that I had an elective booked, like it should be my guilty dirty secret. I also found that most people's responses went something like "but you should be supported in a vbac" which was rather amusing the first few times but quickly got old. They couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that I really didn't want a repeat of last time and no one could guarentee that so even though I found my 1st c-section to be the most repulsive revolting horrendous experience of my life (unfortunate set of circumstances involving previous trauma), an elective was preferable to a long labour, an emcs anyway and a baby in NICU.

I really don't know how you balance both though, maternity care needs to be more individual that's for sure. The risks of both vaginal birth and c-sections need to be mentioned, ideally on an individual level. Recovery too is so personal but a lot of women seem to assume that vaginal is always easier than c-section. However based on my experiences and that of friends I think it's very much a spectrum.

Your pregnant mates might be talking about the wonderful natural waterbirth they are going to have with no pain relief - don't feel envy, feel pity We can be greatful for medical intervention which saves mothers & babies without pitying those who had a VB. I actually felt more guilty/angry with myself after choosing (didn’t really have a choice) a CS because I expected it to be a walk in the park.

' I chose a section. I don’t have any beautiful birth stories'

I think a section is a beautiful birth story. The trembling walking down to theatre and having the spinal, seeing your DH in his scrubs, feeling the rummage while he holds your hand and thinking wow, this is different, and when they lift baby over the curtain 😍 best day of my life was the day I gave birth to my child.

'We can be greatful for medical intervention which saves mothers & babies without pitying those who had a VB.'

As I said in my post, pity them because they don't know what lies ahead. Whatever kind of birth they have, it might be wonderful, it might be painful and traumatic.

When I hear my mates talking about having to go for counselling post vaginal birth because it was so traumatic and getting their haemorrhoids and stitches sorted I thank my lucky stars I had a section! I assumed you were referring to VB here?
Haemorrhoids & problems with stitches are not exclusive to VB. As someone who has 2 complete opposite ends of the spectrum & 2 great outcomes I hate the way people have to put one down to raise the other up. Neither option matters as long as mother & baby are safe & happy.

OP, I imagine you are maybe very young because amongst the mothers I know around 25-30% of them have had a c-section. Your friends are not typical and they're giving you a false impression about how common caesarians actually are. They 'happen' to women who've had vaginal births too. Do you think those women are any less impressive because they had 3 naturally then one emergency section? And there are women like me who actually choose a caesarian, women who get horribly stressed worrying if the doctor will let them have one. It's not some awful thing to everyone. I've also met plenty of women who told me they were secretly relieved their baby came out this way even if they didn't plan it.

I can see your circumstances were a lot more stressful than an elective caesarian but there must have been some good parts to it- try to focus on that, even if it was just the moment you first held you babies or heard them cry.
Also, it's possible your friends didn't have the perfect experience they are showing off about. How likely is it that not a single one of them tore, or had incontinence afterwards, or were cut, or felt sore for a long time, or experienced incredible pain during crowning? Seems almost impossible to me. They might be minimising the bad side because they are actually so amazed and proud they came through it. They have a right to be proud but so do you. It wasn't easy for you either.

@whereisthebloodypostman good point.
I guess even I, with my rant about people regarding people’s birth views, have been thinking it can’t have been a beautiful experience. Actually, it was! I loved every second of it. I was nervous but not overly anxious. The second my ds was put in my arms and he stopped crying was my favourite moment of my entire life. It really was a beautiful birth.

Also, if a c-section is not a birth then the child is not born...what are they? Evicted? (Lighthearted)

A wise person once said to me that nobody will give you a prize at the end of it for suffering and going through a particular birth over another. Vaginal birth or c section, it’s still childbirth and you are amazing . Seriously you won’t be given an extra special baby for having had it “naturally” and no body will give you a medal. Just ignore the people that make you feel like a failure . You are alive as are your babies. That’s what matters .

You have all helped me immensely. I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of and that I’m exceptionally lucky to be in a country where the help to save mine and my babies lives was available. It still saddens me a bit that I won’t experience the vaginal birth side of things but hearing some of you ladies experiences makes me grateful I haven't experienced the negative sides of it.

And I’m not as young as you may think and my kids are a bit older (youngest is 2!!) but it’s getting worse as time goes on. Maybe it’s the traumatic deliveries more than the c sections? Who knows

Pop along to your GP and ask for a referral to the local perinatal mental health team for birth trauma. It shouldn't matter that your kids are older. Otherwise, seek help from a clinical psychologist (via nhs community mental health team, or privately) for therapy to treat trauma. There are several types of therapy that have good evidence to help heal trauma (CBT and Emdr are two good options). You don't have to live with worsening feelings and thoughts about it x

Never occurred to me to feel a failure: getting pregnant in the first place, 9 not-so-easy months of growing her, some not insignificant surgery, and then there she was all healthy and lovely. Mission accomplished surely!? I feel lucky and privileged, honestly. Her birth (because of course that's what you call it!), was similar to how whereisthebloodypostman described, and very special to DH and I. In our case it was required due to her being breech but would be the same sentiment for any elective or emergency cs or vaginal birth, is all a means to an end. OP your experiences sound more stressful of course, and I'm sorry you've had to go through all that, but they are no less successful and wonderful - you have your 2 lovely children and they came out the way they needed to.

Once they're out, however it happens, that for me is when the important and difficult bit starts..... still figuring that out a day at a time here!