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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Penetrative sex after vaginal childbirth

64 replies

ElenorRigby · 15/07/2007 10:38

Hi all

I was reading a thread yesterday on the relationships forum about a lady who was very apprehensive about trying sex !9 months! after vaginal birth!!

I was really gobsmacked and horrified that a vaginal birth could delay a resumption to a normal sex life, even after such a long time!

My partner and I had a very active sex life before I became pregnant- I would like that to return to normal as soon as possible after the birth of our lil girl.

So MNers please can you tell me how long after your births did you resume a normal sex life? Did a vaginal birth cause any physical problems that were an impediment to that? Was it easier to resume a normal sex life after a C section?

Thanks in advance...

Regards
Elenor

OP posts:
wheresthevalium · 15/07/2007 10:42

I went back in the saddle so to speak after 4 weeks (we were very active beforehand too) and it was fine. I had had stitches for a 2nd degree tear and it was all fine.

AFAIK as long as your MW says the stitches are healed you are good to go, assuming you feel like it!

One small hint, if you are BFing, be prepared for some squirting if you get aroused to any degree, I wasn't and giggled for a good 10 minutes

wheresthevalium · 15/07/2007 10:44

Oh, and as for 'normal sex life' it will probably not go back to 'normal' purely because of tiredness/baby waking for quite a while, but that doesn't mean it isn't any good, just adjusted to suit your new lifestyle HTH

Katy44 · 15/07/2007 10:49

vaginal birth no complications - back to normal in the 2nd week, waited cos of the bleeding.
Main 'impediment' was expecting the baby to wake any second!! now he's in his own room and fairly regular sleeping patterns we are back to 'normal', except prob not as often as before.
Don't forget you can get pregnant again!!
Good luck with the birth, when are you due?

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 10:53

It's very very hard to generalise. You will get all kinds of replies. I suspect it's not as uncommon as people think that sex almost completely stops sometimes for a year or more with some couples but probably more from exhaustion and hormones than physical pain. I found it was worst with the first where I had an episitomy which I didn't have or need with the other 4 children but even then by the GP 6 week check we had had had sex. I think the baby had a 100% record of waking up whilst we were having it mind you - that was the bigger problem than pain.

I never had a C section. I would imagine it was easier after a vaginal birth as you haven't had a major operation. Traditionally doctors would expect you to have had a go within the first 6 weeks and it is or was one of the standard questions at the 6 week check and I assume a lot of people haven't tried by then.

This is not a view all mothers share but I did find I felt less like sex when I breastfed which seemed to make evolutionary sex and it never really bothered me but I definitely felt that was so.

Nemo2007 · 15/07/2007 10:56

I had vaginal births with all 3 dc and resumed activites when DS was 3wks,dd1 2wks and dd2 10days. I think it can completely depend on your delivery to be honest, I was lucky that i never tore enough to have stitches with any or mine. Also I do remember feeling a little apprehensive when I was going to have sex after having Ds about being 'flappy'. I do know someone who was having sex again 2 weeks after c section but then there are other people who have had to wait months. I would just wait and see how you feel afterwards and dont be too disappointed if you cant have sex quickly. you may find with a newborn you hate the idea of your partner being anywhere near you!!

Katy44 · 15/07/2007 11:05

Yes, good points by Xenia and Nemo, you asked for people's experiences but a lot will depend on your experience and feelings. I suppose the important thing is if you want to then it doesn't have to be 9 months - that's not a typical experience I don't think (please feel free to correct me)

chilledmama · 15/07/2007 11:16

My DH was afraid to have sex incase he hurt me...it me 8 weeks to persuade him I was fine! I do know sopmeone who didn't have sex for a year afterwaqrds but that had nothing to do with a physical problem...even those with the worst c-section scras are ohysically fine way before 9 months...like a lot of things though, the longer you leave it the more it becomes this big thing that you build up and become apprehensive about...I wasn't comfortable having sex with DS in the room (did it though!!!!!), if fraked me out when he would wake up during! Its more difficult to be spontaneous and you'll probably both be much more tired...just wait and see how you both feel...if BF I found it best to keep bra on...not very sexy but I hated leaking all over DH and it freaked him out a bit!

mamijacacalys · 15/07/2007 12:08

Like others have said, IMHO the timing of when you have sex is more to do with how knackered you feel rather than any physical issue.
Am amazed that someone waited 9 months but that sounds like there was an underlying problem either with the woman herself or in the relationship [sympathetic emoticon].
Most of the first few months go by in such a sleep deprived blur, don't remember exactly how long it took us to resume relations, but with both DS and DD I remember waiting until the 6-week check as I had stitches each time.
Ditto the warnings re spurting boobs when bf!
Good luck with your baby!

LaDiDudleyDursley · 15/07/2007 12:25

I had a C-section and if my wound hadn't fallen apart then we would probably have been at it within two weeks as I felt "good to go", bearing in mind that I was really sick with pre-eclampsia and in hospital for a week. In reality my wound came apart and I had a drain in for four weeks which hindered things a little from a practical point of view but once that was out we were active again.

I think the main issue for me was worrying about dd waking up and until I could be certain that she would stay asleep I found it harder to relax enough to achieve orgasm though sex was still enjoyable.

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 12:35

I do think amongst young women who have never had a child there is a huge misconception that a C section makes everything so much easier and in fact that's completely the opposite in all sorts of areas including sex and I wish that myth weren't out there. Vaginal birth doesn't ruin your sex life. It's in a sense what you're made for - things expand and then contract back for most people.

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 12:36

But I also think until you have the first baby it's virtually impossible to know how that changes your life in terms of even just time to shower, get to the toilet etc. You can't imagine that that tiny sleeping thing could be a job of work almost that occupies 20 hours of the day such that you barely have time to eat at times and that that is much more likely the reason you don't want sex. My brother hasn't had a through night's sleep in over 3 years at the moment.

suezee · 15/07/2007 12:48

bout 4 weeks after.......use contraception tho

lulumama · 15/07/2007 13:42

6 weeks after both DCs...one c.s and one vaginal birth..waited until had first period and got contraception sorted both times...

A lot of women do find it harder to get back into it , for a myriad of reasons

tiredness

sore perineum due to tearing / episiotomy/ stitches

heavy blood loss

fear of getting pregnant again

lack of time especially if have other DCs

PND

loss of libido for other reasons

also, depends on what your sex life was like before......3 times a day or once a month...

it is such a personal thing, that what is true for one couple, wont; neccesarily be true for another

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 13:49

Good point on pregnancy actually. My brother ended up almost having two babies in the same year!

lulumama · 15/07/2007 13:58

can i just add, even if you are exclusively breastfeeding, it does not always work as contraception, and you can ovulate fairly soon after birth, and get pregnant....if you do not want to take a chance, use additional contraception

lulumama · 15/07/2007 13:58

i know someone with babies 11 months apart

SydneyB · 15/07/2007 14:08

I found that I completely lost my libido when I was breastfeeding. Not sure if that was hormones or just that I just didn't feel very sexy and didn't want DH touching them. We did keep trying it though even it wasn't actually that great for a while. Now I've stopped breastfeeding, DD 7 months, its just the same as it was before I had her. I think you've got to try and find the time somewhere in the midst of all the fatigue because its a time when your relationship is really put to the test and any kind of physical closeness is really important. But yes, as everyone has said here, its different for everyone. Having said I, and another friend, did find that orgasms were kinda 'weird' for a while..

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 14:44

SB, same for me. I hope that would never put anyone off breastfeeding though and it doesn't have that effect on anyone. Plenty of men find that quite sexy. Some like to suck the milk even. But I could almost feel the feeding hormones, release of oxytocin as the milk let down and all that which for me was quasi sexual feeling being a kind of substitute for it and sometimes you can feel "touched out", so physically attached to the baby all day you want some time without being touched.

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 14:44

I think brother's children are about 14 months apart and she was 100% breastfeeding when number 2 was conceived.

mozhe · 15/07/2007 14:58

Ditto that is what happened to me....and feeding twins too....although we did want another baby, I was surprised at how quickly it happened!!
You will know when you want sex again, try not to compare yourself to others....

helenhismadwife · 15/07/2007 18:24

it varies so much and depends on so many factors I know of people who have been within two weeks and others who have been years.

As others have said make sure you sort contraception out, I got carried away and was pregnant when dd was 14 weeks old and I should have known better lol

Judy1234 · 15/07/2007 19:00

Style article today which is fun to read....aout lack of sex after a baby
women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2044495.ece

SydneyB · 15/07/2007 19:24

Just read that. Iiiiiiiiiinteresting and so like mine and so many of friends relationships after birth of LO but rarely acknowledged and talked about BEFORE the event..

cheritongirl · 15/07/2007 19:31

well we were obviously a bit slow compared to everyone else here.. it took me 3 months to feel happy to have sex - i had a 2nd degree tear and it was very painful for some time afterwards and this really put me off. My ds is 8 months now and i would say we are pretty much back to normal now, although sex probably isn't quite as adventurous (!) and sometimes it does hurt.
I know i have read threads on MN where people have really had to wait a long long time (even longer than me!) before it was comfortable/they could face it.
Whatever happens, as has been mentioned, you may be a feeling just a tad tired...

helenhismadwife · 15/07/2007 19:48

that times article is a bit depressing but I bet there are loads of women who can relate to it