Due next month and can’t stop crying

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I’m in a huge state of panic about my upcoming delivery. I know he has to come out some how and that’s what is scaring me. I’m a FTM so all I know is what I’ve read or heard based on other people’s experiences. Stupidly, I read a few old threads on here which had lots about wanting to shoot thensekves in the midst of labour and feeling suicidal etc. Plus it being the worst experience of their lives.

It doesn’t help that a close friend of mine recently gave birth and nearly died in her words “they said they almost lost me” and she had to have three blood transfusions. She was in hospital for 5 days after this (she ended up with an EMCS). I’m even more terrified after hearing her story, I keep having mini panic attacks. I already suffer with bad anxiety, so it’s just made worse.

I wish I could turn the clocks back and never had got pregnant in the first place.
I’m feeling him kicking me now and although it’s a comfort, each time I feel him, I know he’s got to come out.

Apart from the friend I just spoke of, I haven’t really heard any other majorly negative birth stories. My mum had me without any pain relief, she tried G&A but it made her sick, I was back to back too. I truly don’t know how she managed it, but she did. I wasn’t a huge baby though...and mine is already on the top centile line.
My Nan, when she was alive, spoke of her births and how easy they were and she wasn’t one to mince her words, she said the first was a little ‘uncomfortable’ in her words! But my mum (the youngest of three) started coming out when my Nan was in the bath and she barely had time to reach the bed!
Another friend gave birth last year and used hypnobirthing techniques which really helped her. Her son was born fairly quickly for a first birth and she got to 8cm at home with just a tens machine and ‘pacing’ as she called it.

I’m just terrified I’m going to die during the labour, either through a heart attack or losing too much blood or shock/pain. I have nothing to compare my pain threshold to as I’ve never had an operation, broken a bone or anything like that.
The only thing I can say is that I had horrendous periods before I became pregnant and was going to be looked into for possible endometrisis. The pain was unbearable, especially up my bum (sorry) I could barely sit down at times. So that’s the only thing I have to possibly compare it to.

I have a horrendous fear of hospitals too, which doesn’t help the situation, meaning I’m in full on panic mode even when going in for a scan. I have asked about a Home birth, but because we live 40 mins drive from the hospital, I think they’re reluctant, also my BMI is 35 so I’m seen as ‘high risk’, yet another reason for my anxiety.

My partner has been doing perineal massage on me every night for two weeks and will continue until I go to have him, I’m also planning on taking raspberry leaf tea capsules from 35 weeks onwards. I know these things may not work, but it makes me feel somewhat in control.

I have been given the possible option (if the consultant agrees to it) of an elective c section because of my history of anxiety and panic attacks. The midwife put it in my notes and I’m seeing someone in a few weeks time to discuss it, but I’m now not even sure I want that, due to my fear of medicalised intervention and now hearing about my friend who needed blood after a c section...in some ways I’d feel in more control, but in others I guess I won’t be and it’ll be more medical. I even break into a cold sweat when I see the uniforms!

If anyone can give me any advice/reassurance/stories or anything, I’d be grateful.

Sorry for such a long post!

I was you 7 months ago!
I was petrified! I’d never suffered anxiety in my life but it got to the point I’d not want to talk to anyone because they’d ask if I was excited, and I’d burst into tears! No I bloody wasn’t, I was convinced I was going to die!

However! 6 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Just with gas and air, I’d done hypnobirthing CDs and had a TENs machine but I found the gas the best!
Yes it’s painful, but it wasn’t unmanageable. It’s long and hard, but really it’s not that bad! I didn’t die! I did have a bleed, but the midwives/doctors managed to stop it quickly.

I wrote a detailed birth plan (it was 500 words long!) which helped calm me a bit because I was petrified of forceps etc. But in reality I thought I’d want a pool, I didn’t go near the water... ha!
My midwife was fantastic, and it was a really really positive experience.
I too had an appointment to discuss an elective section, and would of had one if I had of gone over due, rather than induction. But I didn’t and I’m glad as the recovery I felt was much easier.

Is there a perinatal mental health team in your area? I had a few phone consultations that helped with some coping techniques.

I’m sorry you are so worried! Unfortunately you can’t control a lot of what happens during birth, but the midwives and consultants support women giving birth every day.
For what it’s worth I am a relatively anxious person and had a lovely first birth. It was much easier and faster than I expected. My DD was back to back most of the time as well. I laboured at home with a TENS machine for about 10 hours. Then to hospital where I had to be monitored for an hour or so as I had borderline high blood pressure before they let me into the MLU. I went from 3 to 10cm dialated in 4 hours. I found contractions painful but manageable. I understood their purpose and just breathed through them. It was after this the midwife realised DD was back to back. She had me pushing in loads of different positions to turn DD and eventually she did! Gave birth quickly after that.
All in I was 6 hours in the MLU giving birth with a few stitches for a 1st degree tear. DD was just over 8lb. I remember thinking while getting stitched up that giving birth wasn’t so bad and I could totally do it again.
You might have a perfectly good birth with no complications, you might not. The best thing you can do is educate yourself on what will and could happen. I wrote a birth plan as well, which was never used, but the process of writing it made me realise what my choices would be if certain things happened. Try to find things that help you calm down, I found deep breathing helped me focus on something other then the pain during contractions.

I suffered from severe tokophobia and had counselling through my pregnancy. After lots of discussions I booked an elective c section as I felt this was right for me. I ended up having an emergency section because one of my twins was seriously ill.

The worst part for me was the spinal (terrified of needles and it didn’t go brilliantly) but after that it was honestly no big deal. I have endometriosis and have experienced horrific pain, and I’ve had several laparoscopies. The Pain post section was nowhere near as awful as my most severe period pain. The spinal wears off gradually so you can start taking pain relief when you first start to feel it which really helps.

I felt so similar to you, although I wasn’t scared of contractions / pain, it’s literally the thought of getting a baby out that way that fills me with horror.

Is there anyone in your area you can speak to, like a maternity counsellor? I did find it helpful.

Op I think almost all expecting mum's go through this at some stage. Your in a bubble of pregnancy for so long you kind of forget the baby comes out. Im a FTM too, I had the easiest pregnancy going, no sickness or anything. But ended up being induced and an emcs, the labor part was fine. Gas and air is odd to begin with but after a good few puffs your flying high. Its all so un predictable so go with the flow and trust the professionals.
For me personally, I'd take the elective c section, as I was exhausted from the long labor prior and then the recovery on top of that. It definitely isn't the easier option but best to have it planned than need it last minute in my experience.
I also lost alot of blood, but only need clexane injections which you get use to.
In all honestly, by the end of pregnancy I logged off the Internet, stopped reading everything and just went with it. I've currently got my nine week old asleep on me and I wouldn't change it for anything.
Good luck hun x

Thanks for all the replies so far. Does anyone have any positive stories of an elective c section please?

I gave birth to my first little boy 2 weeks ago. I completely understand your feelings as I remember crying to DH that I couldn’t go through with the birth. I was terrified and everyone kept telling me their horrible birth stories which made it worse.

Easier said than done but try to take all of the bad stories with a pinch of salt. They’re a bit like bad reviews, people who had a bad experience are quicker to post their stories online or tell others about the problems they had. We’re apt to ignore the good stories as ‘flukes’.

I have a chronic condition that impacts my energy levels and immune system. I considered an elective c section as I was worried I’d have a long, painful labour and it would impact my time with my newborn. However, I wasn’t brave enough to bring it up as everyone around me was so positive that I could do it.

I had a wonderful birth. I downloaded some free hypnobirthing mp3s that helped to keep me relaxed and focused. I also had a water birth which relaxed my muscles and made me feel light enough to try lots of different birth positions. My whole labour was only 2and a half hours. I felt like my body just went on autopilot and the hypnobirthing recordings helped me to just go with the flow. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to spend every weekend doing it, but it wasn’t half as bad as I’d stressed about. For me, my fear stemmed from lack of control and fear of the unknown. The hypnobirthing really helped with this.

Good luck hun, just do whatever is right for you. Ignore everyone else’s suggestions as no 2 births are the same.

I would recommend the book ‘Ina Mays guide to Childbirth’ for lots of good advice on what normal labour is like and lots of positive birth stories. It will help you visualise what to expect and hopefully that will make you feel more in control.

Have a look at hypnobirthing? The Positive Birth company is fab, they have a digital pack for under £40 that I have found invaluable. (There are free videos on YouTube if you want to see her style etc) - it's all about staying calm in labour and understanding what's happening. It's completely changed my outlook and I'm also a FTM (due November). I've also stopped listening to people who tell me their horror stories - it's just not kind or helpful.

Also have you told your midwife how you're feeling? She might be able to offer you some extra support x

I disagree with taking what people describe as terrible/horrible/nightmare stories with a pinch of salt. They're as much one person's story as the perfect/magical/easy births.

The problem with both sets is the language we use to describe them. Even if I describe my labour and delivery in purely factual terms - dc1 for example was a 31hr labour with an 8hr second stage, ventouse, forceps, emcs, pph - people tell me to SHUSH. Don't scare the first timers, take that story with a pinch of salt, intervention BAD, homebirth GOOD. The truth is, you don't know what will happen and it's all luck but there's no perfect birth. If you decide a cs is a terrible outcome and you only want a natural delivery and you need a cs, you've decided your experience of it already. You're left with nowhere to go.

I had an emcs with my second as well. It was the most positive, joyful, uplifting, celebratory birth. I'd known it was possible as the same had happened with dc1 so I accepted it and saw it as what it was ie a really clever, lifesaving option which gave me a son. I had friends who on paper had textbook drug free deliveries but weren't supported or the baby was unwell or it was too fast for them to process and they came away feeling traumatised while I had one of the births you dread on paper but laughed and smiled and felt positive.

I guess what I'm saying is that there is no choice but there is also no inevitability, no dichotomy where one option is good and one is bad. There is only that day and how well you feel supported, listened to and cared for.

Who do you have around you? Supportive birth partner? Specialist midwife to help with the anxiety? Option to have a doula? Friends? Mum? Aunt? We could tell you a zillion stories of positive births but we can't predict yours. You can do things that will help though. Talk to professionals, have a go at hypnobirthing, try and explore options which suit you right now whether that's mindfulness, massage, relaxation, counselling etc, book an elcs if it is what will help (I found the cs a walk in the park btw).

I well remember the fear, I truly do but my DC are huge now (youngest is 7 tomorrow) and perspective is a funny old thing. It was just a day (or 3!) for each of them and then a lifetime of days which contain more joy than I know how to describe.

Keep talking to your midwife, read around, ask questions and I sincerely wish you the very best.

I wanted a home birth, and ended up with an induction, long labour, then emergency forceps delivery under epidural. If I’d known that in advance I’d have been horrified, but the reality was so so different to my expectations - the midwives and doctors were just amazing and made the whole thing into a really positive experience.

Make sure you have a typed set of birth preferences including the information that you’re anxious, and any strategies you’d like staff to try to help you overcome it (eg are you more confident when things are explained in detail, or would you rather let your birth partner do the thinking so you can concentrate on staying calm? Are there words to use or avoid?)

Best of luck. I think sometimes all the fuss around childbirth builds it up in your head into this ‘be all and end all’ thing, and while it is an intense and important experience it’s also only one of the steps in your journey to motherhood - you’ve already got through most of a pregnancy and after the birth there will be the chaos and wonder of getting to know a new person.

I'm sorry you're struggling with anxiety about the birth - it's hard heading into the unknown.

If it helps, I had an EMCS with my first and an ELCS with my second. Both deliveries were wonderful and the recoveries were straightforward. I had skin to skin straightaway with both of them and they were both breastfeeding in recovery so the outcome for my DC was good too. If we ever have another I'll be requesting another CS.

Write down all your questions and concerns to take in with you. If you haven't seen it already, this website allows you to look up the unit where you want to give birth and talks about their facilities, how many natural deliveries, forceps, CSs, etc, last year, which might help you feel a little more at ease: www.which.co.uk/birth-choice/units

I hope your delivery goes smoothly

I had an elective c section and I felt so much more in control. Baby safe delivered when planned. I was terrified like you of birth so this was the only way for me. I was up and about a lot quicker than mum's who had a natural birth. go for it.

My friend had an emcs and said that hypnobirthing techniques still helped her.

I have had two babies without pain relief, the second was delivered by DH as I didn't think I was anywhere near giving birth and didn't call the midwife in time. I usually cry if I stub my toe! I had two positive experiences and was already planning dc3 the same afternoon dc2 had arrived.

Nobody can tell you what your birth will be like. As you are so anxious a c section or an epidural may be the best option for you, you need to give yourself the best chance of a positive experience. Nice pain relief, dimmed lights, maybe some aromatherapy, nice music and a supportive partner.

I had an elective c section due to pre existing medic condition. I'd say the sensation is very weird! I wasn't mad on the feeling to be honest and the recovery was tough but I'd do it again with no hesitation so it couldn't have been that bad! Plus we had a problem with my uterus not contracting back and some blood loss but they were so calm and professional I hardly noticed! They really do know what they are doing, they talk you through it too.

It's not the birth I would have chosen but it was very calm and I think you might be better off going for that option. But like I said, it's an operation while you are awake so obviously some degree of weirdness!

"each time I feel him, I know he’s got to come out"

That's exactly how I felt.
I was offered induction on my due date and took it partly because I was so scared of the unknown. I am pregnant now and dreading feeling movement in a way because it will set me off again.

My induction ended in a caesarian section and I found the caesarian the easiest bit. I felt calm and in control.
I have friends who had a bad time until they had an epidural and then felt amazing.
Another friend gave birth in the foyer on the way in!

Everyone is different, everyone has a story, you have as much chance of an easy birth as anyone else.

I would not recommend the ELCS because it isn't right for everyone, but I'll be having one this time because of my anxiety. Would you benefit from knowing the exact day you're going in, rather than waiting for baby to show up? Would you rather know what your experience is likely to be rather than leaving every single option open? If so then maybe its worth thinking about.

You won't die from the pain BTW, please don't scare yourself. The pain relief drugs are there for you. If one isnt working you can ask for the next one up.
The risk of death is miniscule too so please put that out of your mind.

The only tips I would give you are

• keep talking to the midwives about how you are feeling
• avoid the people telling you birth stories and scaring you
• put anything you don't want in a birth plan (keep it short) - definitely mention your anxiety in the plan at the top
• make your your birth partner is aware of your wishes and can advocate for you; softly spoken people may find this difficult!

As someone who has a rough time in hospital, please take this as reassurance: you have the right support, you have options, you have pain relief and you will muddle through it when the time comes

Sorry op this was badly worded

"I would not recommend the ELCS because it isn't right for everyone"

I meant that I wouldn't recommend any surgery to anyone without knowing more about their situation - but personally found it helped

I had an elective c section because of my pre existing chronic condition and had a really good birth experience.

It's normal to worry. Every women that gives birth goes through the same worry. Strangely the only thing that made me ok was that there was once a time when medicine wasn't so advanced. Never ever listen to people's horror stories. They shouldn't even tell u. I've had two. My second. I decided on a home birth and it was the best experience in the whole world. Ok it wasn't Disney land haha. My first was 7 weeks early and I was super scared but even that was absolutely fine. You will worry loads but once ur labour starts, ur maternal instincts will kick right in and you will do amazing.

I think if you talk to any woman they have there stories. I know people who have lost babies during child birth, lost their baby a week before their due date. I have had three missed miscarriages , one of which was at 22 weeks and an ectopic. however I have 4 DC. None of us know what will happen when you go into labour. However be reassured that the majority of ladies leave the hospital with their babies. You can do your birth plan but I know mine went out the window. As for elective C section...I have had two natural and two electives. I would always opt for a natural. I recovered quickly with natural, I hated the daily tummy injections following a c section which I was mocked on another thread about, but I truly hated them. I hated not being mobile and feeling tender and also I had problems with the spinal as I have a crook in my back so I found out after 5 attempts at the spinal. It is normal to feel anxiety, once you go into labour the anxiety will fade as you focus on giving birth. its an amazing experience....

If I was to advise I’d say to take the c-section.

I’m a huge wimp. I also had two PPHs. However I’m here to tell you two things a) the pain is horrible but it’s not the worst thing ever and it doesn’t last for very long anyway and b) even with two 5L bleeds (I have a blood condition that was discovered after the first birth and badly handled the second time) I didn’t “nearly die”. PPHs are fairly common and the staff will be well versed in knowing what to do. Anyway, it almost certainly won’t happen to you.

Most people I know have had some kind of complication or weird thing (and you probably will too!) but are alive to tell the tale. You’ll be fine, I promise.

Its not about being a wimp though. Anxiety often isn’t rational.

Op, just remember you need to be a parent right after this. It’s no fun adapting to motherhood after a traumatic experience.

By the way, a normal safe delivery van still leave you traumatised - but you might not get the same support as someone who had medical issues. Hcp can tend to be a bit dismissive.

Get it in you notes. Anxiety, if you can get the word tokophobia on there, all the better.

Yes women do this every day, but tokophobia is a very real thing and can come from many different origins.

Don’t be embarrassed about being scared and don’t feel like a wimp if you opt for the c-section.

There's an incredible book called the positive birth book. Please please read it. It's amazing.

I loved giving birth. Seriously loved it!