Due next month and can’t stop crying

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I’m in a huge state of panic about my upcoming delivery. I know he has to come out some how and that’s what is scaring me. I’m a FTM so all I know is what I’ve read or heard based on other people’s experiences. Stupidly, I read a few old threads on here which had lots about wanting to shoot thensekves in the midst of labour and feeling suicidal etc. Plus it being the worst experience of their lives.

It doesn’t help that a close friend of mine recently gave birth and nearly died in her words “they said they almost lost me” and she had to have three blood transfusions. She was in hospital for 5 days after this (she ended up with an EMCS). I’m even more terrified after hearing her story, I keep having mini panic attacks. I already suffer with bad anxiety, so it’s just made worse.

I wish I could turn the clocks back and never had got pregnant in the first place.
I’m feeling him kicking me now and although it’s a comfort, each time I feel him, I know he’s got to come out.

Apart from the friend I just spoke of, I haven’t really heard any other majorly negative birth stories. My mum had me without any pain relief, she tried G&A but it made her sick, I was back to back too. I truly don’t know how she managed it, but she did. I wasn’t a huge baby though...and mine is already on the top centile line.
My Nan, when she was alive, spoke of her births and how easy they were and she wasn’t one to mince her words, she said the first was a little ‘uncomfortable’ in her words! But my mum (the youngest of three) started coming out when my Nan was in the bath and she barely had time to reach the bed!
Another friend gave birth last year and used hypnobirthing techniques which really helped her. Her son was born fairly quickly for a first birth and she got to 8cm at home with just a tens machine and ‘pacing’ as she called it.

I’m just terrified I’m going to die during the labour, either through a heart attack or losing too much blood or shock/pain. I have nothing to compare my pain threshold to as I’ve never had an operation, broken a bone or anything like that.
The only thing I can say is that I had horrendous periods before I became pregnant and was going to be looked into for possible endometrisis. The pain was unbearable, especially up my bum (sorry) I could barely sit down at times. So that’s the only thing I have to possibly compare it to.

I have a horrendous fear of hospitals too, which doesn’t help the situation, meaning I’m in full on panic mode even when going in for a scan. I have asked about a Home birth, but because we live 40 mins drive from the hospital, I think they’re reluctant, also my BMI is 35 so I’m seen as ‘high risk’, yet another reason for my anxiety.

My partner has been doing perineal massage on me every night for two weeks and will continue until I go to have him, I’m also planning on taking raspberry leaf tea capsules from 35 weeks onwards. I know these things may not work, but it makes me feel somewhat in control.

I have been given the possible option (if the consultant agrees to it) of an elective c section because of my history of anxiety and panic attacks. The midwife put it in my notes and I’m seeing someone in a few weeks time to discuss it, but I’m now not even sure I want that, due to my fear of medicalised intervention and now hearing about my friend who needed blood after a c section...in some ways I’d feel in more control, but in others I guess I won’t be and it’ll be more medical. I even break into a cold sweat when I see the uniforms!

If anyone can give me any advice/reassurance/stories or anything, I’d be grateful.

Op, my first birth was actual magic. I had such an incredible expierence (hypnobirthing)

2nd time was very very different, a shock to say the least. A level of pain I didn't know existed. I think i was probably a little traumatised for some time. However- and I really, truly mean this: When you are experiencing labour pain, it is not terrifying in a "I'm going to die way" (so long as the medical professionals around you aren't concerned of course!) .. it's like .. this is fucking awful But you know that it's temporary because labour /birth has to end and you know that when it does.. there's a baby. It doesn't all just suddenly stop and that's it, your baby is there.. handed to you. And it's a bit like everything else just sort of fades for that moment. Also sense of time just disappears.

Shit should have clarified.. I was induced with dc2 because of my own medical issues (not life threatening) and j don't think he was ready hence the pain that didn't exist with 1.

Both births have shaped me. As have have kids themselves.

Whatever your birth expierence it will be yours and yours alone, but fear will be your biggest stumbling block. Get some hypnobiryhing tracks asap and work towards shifting your mindset best you can, and if you can't do it honestly, fake it any time an intrusive thought enters your mind bat it away. You CAN do this. I have no idea what your birth will look like or how you will feel after. . But you will have your baby and even if you decide to never do it again, you will have them and it will always feel like it was worth it, even when you feel like you are pushed to he very edges of your sanity as a parent, deep down.. you know you'd do it all again.. cos there's no love like the love of a child.

Best of luck. X

When you are experiencing labour pain, it is not terrifying in a "I'm going to die way"

I would like to contest that. In my experience I absolutely thought I would die. I couldn’t believe anyone could feel that much pain and not die.

Everyone is different. Maybe I was unlucky, but was also most likely suffering from undiagnosed primary tokophobia.

Also just to add that I experienced extreme pain during recovery and for many weeks after my first birth. Well after my 6 week check.

Medically... no issues.

I feel so resentful that my midwife had told me it would hurt a bit worse than period pains. I felt totally betrayed and lied to. She said this to talk me out of an elective section I was trying to request.

Oh bless you op. I was where you were 10 months ago. I wrote a thread on here in desperation as I was so scared. I had to be induced and when the midwife went to put me on the drip I just started howling, I was absolutely petrified and convinced I was going to die.

But...here I am!! with a lovely baby to show for it. Just please tell the midwife how frightened you are and they will listen and support you. If you need pain relief, go for it. Communicate your wants and needs at all times and be firm. You will be absolutely fine if I can do it so can you!

Thanks for all your replies.
I just really am in two minds on what to do.
One part of me says I should go for labour and just do it, my Mum keeps on about how it was fine for her and my friend who had her baby last year says the same. I know c section will be a longer recovery and I won’t be able to drive for 6 weeks or lift the baby easily etc.
I know he’s measuring on the top line, but I also know they’re not always accurate.
I know someone who is a yoga teacher and she teaches pregnancy yoga, she’s given me some tips to ‘open my pelvis more’ during labour to make it more favourable and the best positions to be in to have him also.
I’m also drawn to the idea of an ELCS because of the fact it’s straightfoward and planned in advance.

Only you will know in the end. But please don’t be in denial about how much it can hurt and how scary it can be.

I felt so cheated that no one told me that and made me feel like I was just ignorant and naive to be quite so scared. I was absolutely justified in my fear.

Again, everyone is different. My underlying fear will have made my experience worse, I have no doubt.

Oh and the epidural was incredible! I had to have it placed twice as the first time failed, but once they got it working my god the sheer bliss was amazing

Not taken username,

It's really hard to express the feelings and thoughts of labour, so I apologise if my wording upset you. I absolutely felt and said several times during and after "I cant believe you can be in this much pain and not die" ... but, perhaps because I'd done it once? Even though it was such a different birth, I can't even begin to describe.. I knew I wasn't dying, even though the shock of the pain had me questioning how that wasn't possible! I guess if the midwife is freaking out then yes I'd have definitely thought dying was on the cards! .. but everyone was just rubbing my back and watching my vag quite calmly! ... such a bizarre expierence.

No nothing has upset me, I’m just trying to show the different experiences that you can have.

I think our culture frowns on women being brutally honest about their experiences of childbirth if they weren’t great

I just don’t know what to do for the best everytime I think about it my tummy sinks.

I just keep thinking I wonder what it was like for our grandmothers and great grandmothers (and beyond). None of them died in childbirth either. I wonder how they managed it without pain relief.

OP I was exactly the same before I gave birth, my main fear was forceps, tearing and episiotomy, and guess what I ended up with?

But you know what, it really wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, it wasn't traumatic, I haven't had any lasting problems and I recovered more quickly than if I'd had a c section (which beforehand I would have said I would have preferred).

I'd say do the hypnobirthing and use it to deal with the fear and help give you a more positive mindset. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that a positive mindset will necessarily result in you being more in control or having less intervention, because it might not, but use it to help you deal with whatever is thrown at you.

I sometimes think that too, I'm so grateful for modern medicine as if I'd been my grandmother I'd have probably died!

Look at the website "tellmeagoodbirthstory" loads of positive stories to read and they can match you with a birth buddy who will correspond with you directly and answer questions. Many births do go smoothly it's just that you tend to hear more about the ones that go wrong. Try to focus on the positives and avoid the negatives as there's nothing to be gained by gathering horror stories at this point.

I was terrified too OP and in my experience the fear was much worse than the pain. It hurts but it’s finite and the pain comes gradually, not sudden agony. I know it seems there’s terrifying stories everywhere but I think tend to talk about the horror stories and awful experiences because they need to process them, whereas the (many) straightforward births people have every day are less discussed. Stay away from google, don’t go looking for material to feed your fear.

I have two and both birth experiences were very different. My second was an planned section and it was, honestly, a breeze. I was home that evening and I was up and about in a few days.

It helped me to keep thinking “You are giving birth in one of the safest times and places in history”. Now, I think about the moment each of mine was actually born and handed to me and I well up, I had a rush of oxytocin that felt like coming up on some drug. Some of giving birth is amazing and feels incredible emotionally. You can do this and you will be fine.

I’m still not sure which route to choose.

100% go and find your loc hypnobirth practitioner. And buy the book called "childbirth without fear" by grantley dick reed. I was the same as you and doing these things changed my life. And my birth experience!!

Fear = pain
Pain = fear

That knowledge alone is enough to get you thinking! Hypnobirth will educate you and empower you.

You poor thing, I'm so sorry you feel the way you do.

I don't know if this helps but I had a perfectly normal, uncomplicated labour and delivery, none of which took too long and most people I know had the same experience as me. It was good.

Those who have bad experiences are the exception. I don't give advice but try to make sure you do it your way, eg stay on your feet, walk about, for as long as possible and be in charge - it's your body and your baby.

I really hope you receive some help with your anxiety, it's such a shame to be like that when you're pregnant.

All the very best to you.

NotTakenUsername I do agree about our culture not allowing honesty. You see it a lot on here, several times on this thread. Don't listen to the "horror" stories, ignore those women who talk about their reality etc. My delivery with DD is not a horror story. It isn't designed to frighten or embellished. It's fact. I was that woman as a first timer. I was so focussed on having a home water birth and so convinced that all talk of drugs and intervention and similar were "horror" stories that when I needed all that intervention, it was already a failure, a negative. It took me a long time to deal with the chasm between expectation and reality. When I had my second, it was just as medicalised but I was prepared and it was a joy.

I deeply regret dismissing other people's realities as "horror stories" because they were speaking their truth and I should have listened.

@ShowOfHands thank you - you've put my thoughts into words, especially this:

I deeply regret dismissing other people's realities as "horror stories" because they were speaking their truth and I should have listened

I know now that there are no horror stories - just the wide spectrum of birth stories. Medicalisation should not be a dirty word in the context of childbirth, like yours, my medicalised deliveries can be described as a joy, too. How much better it would be if we were encouraged to be honest about our experiences in order that other women benefit, rather than to gloss over the hard bits to spare others from inconvenient truths!

I had an elcs for my DTs. I was absolutely terrified, couldn’t make up my mind on how to have them, but opted for the section. It was absolutely bloody brilliant.

They reassured me every step of the way, I was freaked out thinking I’d feel them cut me so the anaesthetist checked a few times that I definitely couldn’t feel it, and had said if I freaked out she’d give me something to calm me down. I’ve no idea what it would've been, or if there was anything she could’ve given me - in the end we were all having a bit of a giggle and I felt completely safe and in the best possible hands.

Good luck whichever way you decide 💐

I had my second recently. Both labours very long and very painful (until I got an epidural). But that tells you nothing about what your experience will be.

All I can say is that personally I wouldn't be rushing to have major surgery like a c section and I say that as someone who has had two very definitely not easy vaginal births.

Be open minded. Consider hypnobirthing and/or therapy for your fears. Remember you will not get any prizes for doing it without pain relief and no one else has to go through it so they don't get to tell you what you should do.