How long before dh visits if I give birth alone?

[WouldIBeBetterOffAlone]

Following on from yesterday’s rant musings I've definitely decided to give birth either alone, or I might have a friend I will ask for support. Either way, definitely sans dh.

So my question is, when do I have to tell him the baby is born and allow him to come meet them?

I’m hugely resentful he isn’t stepping up and I don’t want to share those first special moments with my baby with anyone who wasn’t willing to support me during my pregnancy and labour. I definitely don’t want him to land in and play the doting dad ten minutes after I’ve gone through childbirth alone.

So what is reasonable? I am thinking to call him about an hour or so after they are born. Then he has another hour drive to the hospital. So a couple of hours with my baby before I have to see him?

It really depends how well the birth goes. But you don't have to let him come see you at the hospital. You could wait until you've bought the baby home if that's what will make you comfortable. That's is perfectly reasonable as you've just birthed a new human

I would give birth and then contact him when you feel ready to do so, rather than putting a specific timescale on it.

I’ve always been in theatre an hour after my children have been born so bear it mind, your birth might not go to plan and you might not want to see anyone within a couple of hours of giving birth.

Does he know you do not want him there ?

So basically, as long as I let him meet the baby first (along with my Dd) then I have as long as I want? I don’t want to seem like I’m punishing him, but I don’t want him near me or my baby until I get myself together.

It is a bit, what you are doing though isn't ,?

I’d advise checking your hospital’s policy on visitors to the post natal ward before making any firm decisions.

The hospital I gave birth in allowed the dad’s onto the labour ward 24 hrs a day (although I guess this is based on an assumption that the dad is a birthing partner), but once you’d been moved from the labour ward to the postnatal ward, they enforced visiting hours.
Cant remember exact hours but it was something like no dad’s allowed onto the ward between 8pm and 9am.

This was an issue for one of my births, as DH couldn’t be there, and by the time he’d managed to get to the hospital, I was on the postnatal ward. The midwives initially refused to let him in, and they only relented and let him in for 5 minutes after learning that he’d been unable to get to the hospital earlier so hadn’t seen his newborn baby yet.

He only knows from a blazing row. We will have to resolve the row and then establish this new plan.

I realised most of my anxiety is not coming from giving birth, but from knowing deep down that he will let me down again. If he is there it gives the illusion I am being supported, but he isn’t capable.

No I don’t think I’m punishing him. Just establishing boundaries to prioritise my well being (the person giving birth) over protecting his ego.

What did he say when you said that he couldn't be there ? How was he when your other child was born.

Why isn't he coming? Have you a link to your previous thread?

I’ve told him not to. I don’t want him near me. I am done with his total lack of support and consideration.

The last thing you want is him showing up too soon after the baby is born, causing agro, stressing you out. You don't want that to be the baby's first experience in life. There will naturally come a point where you feel recovered enough to get him to come. If you have it in the middle of the night after a long labour you might not even be in a state to make a phone call for 24 hours. Or you might have an easy time of it and an hour later feel like you're already ready to go home. You would know till it happens

I’d just call him when u r ready. Don’t put a timeline on it. So long as he is the first to meet baby it’s fine. It sounds like there is a lot of tension tho. Probably worth trying to work through it before the birth as you’ll be really stressed with a newborn afterwards with this hanging over you.

My DH was useless too but not for lack of trying just because he’s not good at this kind of thing. We had a doula and DH at the birth. That’s something to consider if u feel he’s making an effort but still incapable. DH did his best and was better than last time but still useless at times so Doula stepped in on those occasions

Is someone else taking you to the hospital then, and bringing you home again?

Is he trying to be supportive but just failing, or doesn't he care? If the latter, it sounds as though your relationship is on the rocks I'm afraid, if you feel strongly enough not to have him at the birth. (Having said that, I think most men are just in the way and I'd have been just as happy with only a midwife present but these days it seems to be a given!)

He will collect us. In terms of drop off it would always have been family or friend as he works on the other side of the hospital so would have met me there.

The relationship is totally on the rocks, I’m well aware. But I won’t be going anywhere. If he wants to leave us he knows where the door is.

My x refused to have anything to do with my last pregnancy, as he was so angry with me for getting and staying pregnant!

I had a lovely midwife in the theatre, she really looked after me.

The first people to see baby were my other DC and I have some lovely pictures from then.

I think he saw her on day 2 or 3 but I had lots of family visitors as that's what I wanted, but he was annoyed and said he should've been the first to see her! I think I just blanked him

It took 8 more years for me to find the courage to split up, and he still hates me!
I think it's mainly because I am having a fabulous life without him!

ChestOfFields I find your post hugely inspirational. I have supported dh and struggled through while he reskilled. I have been left holding the baby more times than I care to remember and ultimately our relationship will not stand the rest of time.

But I bloody well intend to stay put until some of our joint efforts have paid off and I get a decent percentage of what we have both worked to achieve.

Self preservation is the name of the game for the next few years.

Such a sad situation, I’m so sorry it’s come to this. Is there anything he can do at this point to fix it, or is it beyond that? If you tell him he can’t come and won’t be welcome for x hours might this be a wake up call for him? Is your other child old enough to realise what’s going on here?

What would you want from him? What is he not giving to you at the moment ? How was he with your other child

I work hard to mask it, but I’m sure she’s not blind to it. No he won’t change, he was always like this I was just so stupid and desperate to find a husband that I was blind to it all.
I can’t regret it though, my daughter is amazing and I’m getting another baby. He has always been welcome to join in with our family, and with enough encouragement he does - but I’m sick of having to force the issue. I don’t love him anymore, I like him well enough for the majority of the time, but the love is gone.

When I was pregnant with my first he was so unsupportive I can remember standing at the top of the stairs tot get the courage to throw myself down. Couldn’t do it though.

I knew the relationship was likely dead before we conceived this second child, but at least I will give my girl a sibling before it all falls apart.

I know you know this already , but he is never going to change is he. You knew it before having the 2 Nd and you sound resigned to the fact that you will be a team of three, so did you really expect him to be any different this time ?

I suppose I have given him a lot of chances and he is very good at talking the talk. But he doesn’t then follow through.

You are right, I am fairly resigned to the fact it is over, I just have to ride out a few more years, and protect myself in the process.

I did hope he would come good with this new pregnancy and finally show his commitment with actions instead of empty words.

Now it’s just about damage limitation. I just need to stop fooling myself every time things blow over that we could actually have a happy marriage. If I lower my expectations the next few years will be more bearable.

I don’t want to mess up his bond with his kids, but I don’t want him showing up as they stitch me back together and “play the big I am” because I know it would infuriate me and make me resentful.

It does sound like you're punishing him to be honest. Obviously you need to break up.

I can understand why it looks like that, but if I wanted to punish him would I be on here trying to work out how to play this so I get to protect myself, my birth experience and my dignity without being unfair to him?