I’ll dip in to clarify again. I appreciate I’m posting on a forum that lots of people use for entertainment so I’ll ignore the wannabe Jessica Fletchers and Judge Judys.
Again, sincere thanks to those who have posted support and advice.
I very much want my marriage to work - I don’t imagine it will ultimately, especially after this last clash.
I do not want to punish dh. He is quite happy to not attend the birth. My issue is that if he is quite content to miss the hard work, I would feel very resentful of him if he were to come in bright eyed and bushy tailed to play the doting dad whilst I am still in the very earliest stages of recovery.
I am asking is a couple of hours reasonable if it is still him that gets to meet baby first.
If I wished to punish him I am sure I would be more than capable of working out how to do that. I am trying to protect myself whilst still keeping it as fair as possible for everyone.
I have invested in this relationship. It is unfortunately dying, but it is not dead yet. I agreed with a pp that ultimately I think it probably will die. But yes, I have given up a lot in good faith, on the understanding that we would benefit as a family once he retrained. Perhaps once he gets into his dream career he will change and our relationship will blossom again - I’m not ready to throw it away yet. But I’m accepting that this is unlikely what the future holds.
I didn’t use him as a sperm donor. There were promises it would be different this time. It hasn’t been. I am finding the silver lining by acknowledging I have a gorgeous child and another on the way because of this - I can’t regret my life choices when I’m so grateful for my children.
He has never raised his hand. In that sense he has never been abusive.
Bottom line is, life is not black and white. I have no reason to leave, it’s not time yet. I wouldn’t be satisfied that we had given it our all. I also refuse to have sacrificed my career for his and see nothing in return for it.
I don’t want this to be a thing. I want to style it out as “I think I’d be in a better headspace if I do this one alone/with one of my girlfriends who understands what it is like to give birth.” But it will do nothing for my mental health if he swans in at the 13th hour and so I needed to work out how long i reasonably have if he has willingly skipped the birth, before I have to re-engage.
I’m not spiteful. I’m not nasty. I’m a pregnant woman who knows what is ahead of me in terms of childbirth and want to establish and protect my boundaries and dignity without completely disregarding my dh.