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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

How long before dh visits if I give birth alone?

57 replies

WouldIBeBetterOffAlone · 17/05/2018 13:21

Following on from yesterday’s rant musings I've definitely decided to give birth either alone, or I might have a friend I will ask for support. Either way, definitely sans dh.

So my question is, when do I have to tell him the baby is born and allow him to come meet them?

I’m hugely resentful he isn’t stepping up and I don’t want to share those first special moments with my baby with anyone who wasn’t willing to support me during my pregnancy and labour. I definitely don’t want him to land in and play the doting dad ten minutes after I’ve gone through childbirth alone.

So what is reasonable? I am thinking to call him about an hour or so after they are born. Then he has another hour drive to the hospital. So a couple of hours with my baby before I have to see him?

OP posts:
Shutupanddance1 · 17/05/2018 16:11

My brother and his ex weren’t together at the time of my niece birth - he wasn’t her birth partner but stayed outside the room and was in once baby was born and mum was after getting cleaned up (within the first 15 minutes). Can you come to a compromise like this?

If not, why not? I’ve no idea why your staying with this person if you have no faith in them and don’t love them.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:16

Sorry you’re in this situation. Suggest informing the health professionals that you have big relationship problems and do not wish DH to attend until you invite him to visit.

It seems unwise to plan for a few more years with him. Sunk costs fallacy. There is also a high emotional cost to you - and DC1 - of staying in a bad relationship.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:18

There may be (rare) circumstances when the hospital might need to contact him as your legal next of kin: the healthcare workers should be able to explain those.

Original poster
WouldIBeBetterOffAlone · 17/05/2018 16:18

No shutupanddance the whole thread is about the fact that I have no desire to share my first precious moments with my baby with a man who is unwilling to step up at all before they arrive.
I will be sore and vulnerable. My husband should be wanting to support me through that, and if he isn’t I have no desire for him to be near me while I am recovering.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/05/2018 16:21

It's not your baby though. It's his too.
I'm still unsure what you want from him. You say he's not supportive but other than saying he hasn't read any articles you haven't say how he is. If it's so awful and you don't love him then why not just split up?

Original poster
WouldIBeBetterOffAlone · 17/05/2018 16:21

Thank you dozer. I should have left long before now, but I’m not ready yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
WouldIBeBetterOffAlone · 17/05/2018 16:24

Wolfiefan It absolutely is my baby. And it absolutely is his too. But I don’t get to pick and choose which parts of this journey I join in on, and as it is my body, I will decide who gets to join me on the journey and at what stages. Once my child is here it becomes our child - but at the moment it is in my body and it is mine.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/05/2018 16:24

That's not his fault.
You're still not saying what he's doing or not doing. It does sound like you're trying to punish him.

Shutupanddance1 · 17/05/2018 16:25

Well to be completely honest, it’s not just your baby. That’s a very narrow view to have of it and you shouldn’t have had another kid with them if you were going to take that view. Robbing someone of the first moments of their child’s life isn’t very nice over not reading any articles on childbirth.

I’m about to give birth myself again in a few weeks, my partner hasn’t read any articles etc.. What do you want from this person?

boomboom1234 · 17/05/2018 16:28

I have no desire to share my first precious moments with my baby

It's not 'my baby' it's both of yours and it's a human being not something you possess or own. Definitely need to calm down and take a breath and stop for a moment. Talk to him calmly and work out what is best for all of you including your husband and daughter and baby.

Original poster
WouldIBeBetterOffAlone · 17/05/2018 16:34

No, I’m pretty calm about what I plan to do. And I maintain that it is my body and he gets his rights once the baby arrives and I have recovered, not a moment before.

Thanks for the useful advice, but I’ll back away now before the insults start to upset me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:35

For as long as OP is carrying the baby and during and soon after the birth, it is her body and her choice.

She doesn’t have to disclose why she doesn’t want her H there. Given that it’s a major step to take she must be in a very difficult situation.

Shutupanddance1 · 17/05/2018 16:44

But Dozer was her H informed about this when they decided together to have a baby - that he was a sperm doner in essence and that the OP plans to leave him? Does he know he’s not welcome at the birth of his child?

I fail to see why a nurse can’t take the baby, give dad a quick look and send him on his way if it’s about the OP recovery.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:47

Luckily your charming view is not shared by healthcare professionals or reflected in NHS practiced or family law.

Shutupanddance1 · 17/05/2018 16:50

No Dozer but if she’s in an abusive relationship, why does she plan to stay for a few years? Something doesn’t add up.

Would she not be planning on leaving/making plans to leave? Abuse generally escalates in the prenatal/postnatal period and the OP could get the help she needs from medical professionals now.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:55
Hmm

None of that is relevant. A woman giving birth is the only one who gets to decide who, if anyone other than the professionals, is present during and immediately afterwards.

Pringlemunchers · 17/05/2018 16:58

To be honest it does read like you are punishing him. You chose a man to marry who wasn't really suited to you, so you could have the package. You chose to have a child with the unsuited man, ( who was no different) and then go on to have a 2nd. Are you being clear , as to what you want. I have asked you a number of times, what you expect from him?

Dozer · 17/05/2018 16:59

FFS.

OP is not obliged to answer posters’ Qs.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 17:00

And OP’s reasons for not wanting him there aren’t the point : she doesn’t want him there, period. That’s, for any reason, her prerogative.

AJPTaylor · 17/05/2018 17:03

Just wanted to say best of luck. It sounds like you are determined to do the best by your children in a difficult situation.

looondonn · 17/05/2018 17:05

Stay strong

I wish I had the strength to tell my abusive ex where to go

He was present at the labour - came over and whispered in my ear that I stank and needed a shower ASAP minutes after giving birth

I wish I had the courage to have screamed and told him to leave immediately

You will be just perfectly fine

Stand your ground and keep your boundaries clear

BigFuckingManatee · 17/05/2018 17:09

You are punishing him and its harsh. If you're gonna do this then you might as well just divorce him. Keeping him away from the birth of his baby is a bit spiteful and have you thought about how this might affect his bonding with the baby? Do you want your child's birth tainted with an underlying argument? It's supposed to be a happy time.

BigFuckingManatee · 17/05/2018 17:09

Wait, sorry, have I missed a bit? Are you divorcing him?

Pringlemunchers · 17/05/2018 17:13

What I am trying to say is that , communication is the key. Some people are not intuitive and need it spelling out ( in a nice, clear way), what their expectations are and explaining why they are not being met. I get that the op doesn't want him puffing up his chest and taking the glory for their new baby when she feels so resentful, but to exclude him completely is something that cannot be reversed and may stop/delay him bonding or maybe that is what she wants?

Pannacott · 17/05/2018 17:15

What you are doing makes sense to me OP. You need to do what is best for you to protect your mental health and emotional wellbeing, so that you can focus on caring for your newborn.

You are only talking about delaying for an hour or so, until you have physically recovered from immediately giving birth, if I understand you correctly. Stitched up, had a glass of water, caught your breath, had a cry, wiped your face etc. He'd still be the first person, along with your DD, to meet the new baby. Seems totally fair enough.