to feel let down after DD's birth?

[princesseggo]

I'm a long time lurker and just wanted to get an outside opinion on how things worked out/were overlooked around the birth of my daughter. Sorry if it's a long post.

My pregnancy with DD was very straight forward up until around 34 weeks when I started measuring big at my midwife appointments. (35 weeks but measuring 39 weeks etc.) Because I was measuring big I had two growth scans. The first I was told baby was fine and was on track to be 7lbs at delivery. The seconds I was told she would be 8lbs on delivery.

I carried on measuring big at every midwife appointment and it got to the point where midwives would sort of laugh and say 'well you've had two growth scans and everything was fine so i'm sure it's nothing to worry about.'

DD was very overdue and I ended up being induced at 41+6. My waters were broken at around 3pm and I was told to go for a walk to get things going. I was only given an hour to start having contractions naturally which just didn't happen so I was put on the syntocinon drip after that hour. The drip made contractions extremely painful and I had no gap in between them so endured 5/6 hours of contractions before getting an epidural. Long story short, the epidural just didn't work for me and would wear off after about 30 minutes.

After labouring for about 16 hours, I didn't manage to dilate any more that 4cm and after being on the drip for so long, my only option was to have an emcs. DD was born after about 2 hours in theatre trying to get epidural/spinal block strong enough to start the surgery. She was 9lbs 12oz and one of the doctors in theatre said that I would never have been able to birth her vaginally as she was so big. (I know babies are born a lot heavier but I am quite petite.)

As soon as DD was born, the epidural wore off again which meant that I had to be put under general anaesthetic. I didn't hold my daughter until 2/3 hours after she was born.

AIBU to feel let down by midwives almost ignoring my big measurements during pregnancy and feel like a birth this traumatic could have been avoided? I can't help but feel like things would have gone a lot smoother if I wasn't left to go two weeks overdue and labour for such a long time. I know birth in general is traumatic for a lot of women in a lot of different ways but I am honestly terrified of maybe having to go through that again.

PLease ignore all the unhelpful "you should just count yourself lucky" comments. Why people bother posting if that's all they have to say is beyond me

I second (third?) the suggestion of going for a de-brief with the midwife, to understand what happened and why, if only so that you feel better informed if you decide to have another baby. I would guess that the alternative approach would have been to have booked you in for a planned C Section around your due date, so it is worth exploring why this option wasn't considered (or why it was considered but discarded).

Congratulations on your baby

congratulations!

but I think YABU - midwife referred you twice. and even though you baby was on the big side, it was not unusually big. I am petite and DD2 was of a similar weight and I had her naturally. nobody batted an eye lid or suggested I would have been to small.

Not sure what more your midwife could have done. She referred you twice and your DD was of a entirely normal (yet big side of normal) size.

You are well, your DD was born healthy. Just be grateful for what you have.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your DD.
Reading your OP, I was anticipating 24 hours in labour, pushing for 2 hours, shoulders got stuck, failed forceps delivery, emergency CS. Piles like bunches of grapes, incontinence, painful sex, and baby with a floppy arm due to shoulder dystocia. Dodged a few bullets there, but I get how you feel disappointed - you didn't get the labour and birth that you were anticipating.
In time, you will be able to let the negative feelings go, but I remember ruminating on my first labour for weeks and weeks. Do chat to people about it and 'debrief' formally and informally as much as you can.
You already know that the life is more important than the birth, just like the marriage is more important than the wedding, but that doesn't stop you from being disappointed when reality is different from expectations.
You'll get there, OP. Just keep talking.

Sounds like you were unlucky with the epidural and then the staff didn't pick up on it. I had trouble with the epidural repeatedly wearing off with my DS - the anaesthetist was coming back every 45 minutes to top it up and I was using gas and air because of the break through pain. My doula, a retired midwife, insisted they resite the epidural when I was 8 cm dilated. They eventually agreed, and I have never been so glad of anything. Suddenly I understood why people raved about epidurals rather than feeling like a complete failure for not being able to cope even with an epidural, I even fell asleep. It didn't need topping up again - I was later told needing topping up is a sign they aren't quite sited right. I had my 2nd baby at home with only gas and air, and it was nothing like as painful as being confined to a bed with an epidural that wasn't working properly.

I don't think the midwifes could have done anything else about you measuring big if the scans were fine but your experience of labour sounds pretty traumatic. My first labour with my son was pretty traumatic. About 9 months later I went into the hospital for a debrief and I found it very helpful, both to run through what happened and what should have been done better, and also what could be done differently a second time. Does your hospital offer something similar?

Don't listen to the ones that are telling you to shut up and be grateful. Of course you are happy that you and DD are here, alive and well but no matter how many people tell you this, or how much you tell yourself, the thoughts surrounding your birth will remain until you receive the debrief and possibly more if still affected.
I had PTSD and PND after my first birth and although we were alive and well (and I was repeatedly told this), I could not stop the flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks etc (I eventually required medication, EMDR therapy and counselling to recover). We don't choose how we process a traumatic event and sometimes need help doing so.

Oh OP. I hear what you're saying. And YANBU to be disappointed in the delivery. However, there is no guarantee that they would have given you an ELCS for a big baby, quite often they don't. Small women have big whoppers all the time, it's not until in theatre when they were yanking your big baby out of your small pelvis that they are able to tell that there might have been an issue with delivery. There was no way of knowing that prior (and I'm making big assumptions that this was what the doctor meant). They will know for next time if you choose to have another baby, and you can opt for an ELCS. Even vaginal deliveries can be hugely traumatic for lots of reasons. Sometimes it really is worth discussing it with the staff, or have you considered talking to your health visitor? They are trained in birth trauma and will give you a sympathetic ear. Congrats on the birth of your baby. I had an EMCS under GA quite recently too, I know it's gutting to not hold your baby for hours, but I just try to remember that we are both lucky to be alive and well.

One thing that is often overlooked is the position of the baby during labour; this can be of greater significance than the size sometimes as if baby is not in the optimal anterior position, their head presents in a different way and simply won't fit through the pelvis. The head is the most critical part obviously as it negotiates the pelvis and a well flexed or tucked one is birthed more easily than one that is malpositioned.

The problem is the Drs don't know what is going to happen. It's not an exact science.
It's not the size of the baby often - it's how the head is presenting.
Try pullin a polo neck over your head from the top and again from the top/ back of your head. It will go over your head different, but your head is the same size.
Perhaos your baby was presenting in a way that made things difficult?

A couple of the comments on here about being happy to be alive are most unhelpful

I had a very very similar experience to you, big baby, which I had to have scans for, midwives and a consultant measure me to say my baby was too big, failed epidural, stalled labour, although I delivered with forceps and ended up with a third degree tear. I was also told by the consultant who delivered my baby that there is no way I would have been able to deliver my girl naturally, she was 9lb14oz.

I understand how it feels to be feel you've been let down. It's very easy for some to dismiss it with the types of comments you saw above. YANBU for feeling this way, make sure you get a debrief to understand what happened. In the meantime sending you hugs!

Hi Op, like you I had a very frightening time when DS was born, which traumatised both me and DH. We would relive events over and over, but the plain facts are that DS was delivered safely and I am alive! Try to focus on the positive and don't waste your precious energy being angry about something you can't change. Congratulations to you xx

OP I'm really sorry to hear you went through this.

I had an emcs too and feel very let down. My situation was different to you but similar in that I felt it could have been avoided.

When was your dd born?

After 3 weeks I found myself feeling a bit better about the situation. Until then it was constantly on my mind and I had trouble sleeping too. You can have a debrief at your hospital - I didn't know this was a thing until a community midwife told me. Please book one. It helped a bit. But we are still going through with a complaint to the hospital.

Keep talking about it to help you process it.

Again sorry it happened

Please ignore the posters that say you should be grateful, as if that solves everything. Of course you will be grateful for your baby but it doesn't mean you can just gloss over a very traumatic birth. It doesn't sound like the midwives did anything wrong but you can definitely request a debrief session which I did and it really helped clarify things. How long ago was the birth? If you only gave birth in the last fortnight or so it might be you are still in shock. I had nightmares and went over my birth in my head for a good few months afterwards, the debrief and talking to friends helped enormously. I would recommend speaking to a councillor if the debrief doesn't make you feel any better to make sure you don't get depression/PND. You will be alright in time, as your DC gets bigger you will have more and more days of joy and the pain and trauma of it does begin to fade. I'm sure if you had any more children you could get an elective section under GA and a plan would be discussed for your care. Sorry you are going through this, it will get easier with the right help.

I have found growth scans to be pretty accurate.

Had a scan at 34 weeks with DS1 because they thought placenta was low. It had moved but they estimated him as being 6lb 13oz. Accounting for babies putting on ½lb a week during the last 6 weeks, that would put him at 9lb 13oz at 40 weeks. Alarmed, they scheduled me for another scan two weeks later. That scan showed he had put on a pound! Which was expected and he was now, at 36 weeks, 7lb 13 oz. With four weeks to bloody go! What did they say? "Oh that's fine, he is putting on weight in a normal fashion. Off you go."

So having put the wind up me good and proper, they then declared all was fine and left me to it, despite my very strong worries I would not be able to give birth to a great big baby. I ended up having a caesarean because of bigfat baby with giant head non-progression. But the facts are that many women have big babies absolutely fine, they wanted to see how I got on. DS1 was 9lb 9oz at nearly 2 weeks overdue; owing to the fact that babies lose weight after 40 weeks, I think they were spot on with their estimates. In my next pregnancy, DD's midwife guessed her weight pretty accurately from feeling my tummy.

Don't wish to sound rude but whether you are petite or not, if you have a lot of water or have put on a lot of weight round your tummy it makes it hard to feel the baby properly. They are doing the best they can.

(I remember weights clearly as by some odd chance both DD and DS2 were 6lb 13 oz when they were born! )

Since your labour slowed while your cervix wasn't fully dilated, it doesn't sound to me as if the size of the baby played any part here. Obstetric consultants are so keen on doing caesareans and saying rubbish like that thing about how petite you are that you wouldn't have been able to birth a baby that size etc etc. I would take with a big grain of salt! Lots of tiny women manage to vaginally birth big babies so don't let it out you off a future VBAC.

It sounds to me as if the way the induction was managed left something to be desired, and YANBU to feel let down. You had tough contractions, strong and close together, and ineffective pain management that left you unable to spend time with your baby immediately after giving birth. Were you told about the risks of induction, so you could make a properly informed decision? Or about the possibility of the GP being needed, rather than alternative pain relief?

It sounds like a traumatic birth experience. I don't think this was due to the size of your baby, though. A debrief might help you to process it all. Also, do consider doing a Subject Access Request to get your maternity notes and results. And finally, I suspect you would really benefit from a good counsellor or psychotherapist with experience of working with women with birth trauma.

If you didn't dilate beyond 4 cm, then what difference does the baby's size make?

I had my daughter via drip induction too and I can sympathise, the contractions are very strong very quickly However I don't think much could have been done differently really. Growth scans suggested everything was ok and measuring big in the bump actually doesn't really reliably indicate anything. I measured big towards the end and my baby was 7lb 2oz whilst my friend had growth scans due to other complications and they said her baby was going to be over 9lb and he came out 7lb 6oz. Unfortunately all of these things are a bit of a best guess.

Sorry your experience wasn't what you hope, mine wasn't either and that can be hard to deal with. Congratulations on the arrival of your LO xx

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your little one .

With my first DD, 12 years ago, I had no growth scans after 20 weeks, although I did see a consultant as I was measuring big. When I saw him, around 30 weeks, he merely said 'Yes, it is a big baby, but how big is big?'. I went 13 days overdue in the end. After two failed inductions and 11 hours on a pitocin drip (didn't dilate at all), I had an EMCS and my DD was 11lb 6.5oz at birth - I, too, was told I would never have birthed her naturally. Although I didn't require a GA, I was left on the OR table for 45 minutes after the surgical team had left the OR, as the porters were on a changeover! My DH was the first person to hold our DD and I don't feel that I ever really established a bond with her after that. My DD was born at 8.15pm and my DH was sent home at 9.30pm. They then took my DD to the nursery overnight, to allow me to recover and I had to ask for her back in the morning, as they still hadn't returned her to me!! The consultant came to see me that morning and did have the good grace to apologise for not having picked up that big was BIG!!

I do feel your pain, having been there myself, but I don't think you can lay the blame at the midwives door. For every you or me, there are probably a number of mums who go over due with 'big' babies who do birth normally. You do have the option of having a debrief on your birth experience, and I think you would find this beneficial as it would enable you to talk to HCPs involved in ante-natal care.

Once you have had a big baby though, you are treated differently with your next one. I had DD2 last December and had growth scans at 26, 28, 32 and 36 weeks. She was again identified as being big and I had an ELCS at 39 weeks, but she was only 9lb 13oz .

Yabu. Sorry. Be thankful you got the cesarean otherwise it would have been a whole lot worse (i had a forceps birth after two days of contractions and a day and a half of slow labour. I ended up with a 3rd degree b tear, a blood transfusion and three weeks later they discovered retained placenta which had become infected).

Cross posted with about 10 people there! You are not alone op!

I just want to agree with what silkybear has said. Appreciation that you and your baby are both alive and well does not diminish the trauma you feel at what happened.

I hope you get the help you need to come to terms with it all

I think birth, for many women, is the first time that we encounter the fact that there are things that just can't be planned for. It's almost worse because we are so encouraged to plan for it - through NCT or antenatal classes, through books, through making birth plans - and yet so much of it is utterly out of our control.

Size of baby, your internal size, position of baby, presentation ... all combine to give a particular birth process. It's not helped that the 'tape measure over bmp' process is so extraordinarily inaccurate, and then that scans SEEM like they ought to be so much more technical and accurate that it's hard to accept that they, too, have a vast margin of error.

I had two births, of exactly 50th centile babies, at absolute opposite ends of the spectrum - from emcs after 18 hours with multiple people pulling and pushing at different parts of the baby to get him out of his utterly head-stuck position, to a textbook vaginal birth about 45 minutes after I walked into the hospital. I measured externally pretty much the same for both.

I did have an additional scan of the second baby's head at 36 weeks, as what caused the problem first time round was an over-the-98th-centile-line head circumference (and a very elongated head shape) on a 50th centile baby, but tbh all that showed was that the head was of a somewhat more normal size and less extraordinary shape. It predicted that a normal birth was more likely, but not by any means certain .. and by then I understood, having not only been through birth but also looked after a baby, that some things just can't be predicted or controlled...

As a woman who went through the utter horror of a stillbirth, my initial reaction is that you got a healthy live baby at the end of it, what more do you want?! But as a woman who had a horrid 1st delivery, I can completely understand why you feel like you do. I felt shell shocked and cheated after my 1st, it was completely horrific and ended up with a failed ventouse and theatre forceps delivery.
However how you will labour is completely unknown to medical staff. There is a degree of trial and error to it, and I would also say that I think they do try and let things happen naturally/give your body a chance a lot more with a 1st baby than they do subsequent ones. Next time, you will also have more confidence to speak out and disagree with anything you don't want to do.

I'd certainly ask to talk it through with someone, it may help you to understand better and also to know what you don't want to ever happen again. Then dust yourself off, chalk it up to experience and enjoy your lovely new baby. People get far worse outcomes sadly, and your baby and you both came out the other side of it .

Yabu.

You had 2 extra growth scans - what else do you think the MW should have done?!

Also, Petite women give birth to large babies - nothing out of the ordinary there.

You are both alive and well. Please focus on that.

GoingSlightly My mother had, at the time, what seemed to me to be an extreme fear / relief reaction to my emcs .. until I uncovered years later in exploring family history that she would have had a brother but his life had had to be sacrificed to save the life of my grandmother in labour, just around the beginning of the second world War.

I do wonder whether the 'apparent' choice and control we seem to be offered in the run up to birth actually contributes to the feeling of being 'cheated' - and whether in fact it might be better to make it much clearer that things are deeply unpredictable in labour.

Another to chime in and tell you that growth scans are often very rough guesstimates and it's a shame that nobody told you not to put such store by them. I was measuring 4-5 weeks bigger than dates and had a growth scan at 34 weeks where I was told that my baby would be over 10lbs. He was 7lb 5ozs, very long but very slim.